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Original poster

Partner is not baby’s father - WWYD?

78 replies

TDZ0802 · 17/07/2023 06:50

Apologies for the long post ahead - I hope it makes some sort of sense, we’ve not had much sleep tonight (teething already!)

My partner and I went through a very rocky period in our relationship, issues that arose from him being unfaithful (found out he’d had a long distance relationship with another woman). We split and I slept with someone else I suppose out of spite. We used protection but it split and so I took the morning after pill. In the days leading up to this and a matter of days later I was back with my partner, we did not use any form of contraception and slept together multiple times.
I found out I was pregnant and we knew there was (or so we thought) the smallest chance the baby was the other guys but I really honestly just couldn’t see how it was likely. My baby is now two months old and I’ve just found out my partner done a DNA test on him which came back as a 0% chance of him being the father. He said he wanted to continue as his father and if the other guy was to know or become involved he would feel as though something had been taken away from him. The other guy messaged during pregnancy to ask whether the baby could be his to which I replied no and he was very relieved - he is also my cousin’s ex, very stupid of me🤦🏼‍♀️

As I said our relationship has been rocky for quite some time, better during pregnancy but has definitely been testing since my son was born. He has also threatened a few times he was “done with the situation” and most recently said he wanted no more to do with me nor my son - he changed his mind soon after and I do realise how difficult it must be for him but part of me wonders whether his love for my son is now conditional and relies solely on us being together, and whether he would walk out on him if things didn’t work out between us. He said he hasn’t felt a “whoosh” of love for him yet.

I’m finding things quite difficult right now - we are due to go to Great Ormond Street in a few weeks due to my son needing surgery (we live at the other end of the country and I’ll likely be taking him there alone so feeling quite anxious).

What would you all do in this situation? My boy is my absolute priority in all of this.
Part of me thinks: The other guy has the right to know, my son has the right to grow up knowing the truth too, although it risks a family drama and I hate the thought of my baby being at the centre of all that chaos.
Another part things: My partner chose to step up and take on the role as father regardless of the outcome. He bought us a house, he’s been here every week like he said he would be and he has been trying - bringing me flowers, taking our boy out for a couple of hours so I can get a break etc. (It’s my moods that have been awful and I need to work on that, I’m just so overwhelmed) Maybe I should just leave things as they are and hopefully once it’s all settled down he’ll have a dad that wanted him and chose him, and he doesn’t need to know any different.

Thoughts? I can’t believe my life has turned into such mayhem - I just want to be able to enjoy these new baby days.

OP posts:

GammonAndEggs · 17/07/2023 07:21

Have you seen proof of the DNA test?

GammonAndEggs · 17/07/2023 07:22

And my thoughts are that everybody should know the truth, no matter the fall out.

Gazelda · 17/07/2023 07:35

Tell the other man there's a chance he's the father. Get him to do a DNA test.

And am I reading it right that you DP bought you a house but doesn't live with you? Why is that? Are you on the mortgage?

Interested in this thread?

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Families Relationship problems

Tlolljs · 17/07/2023 07:38

Yeo just what I going to say. Have you seen the DNA proof?

Ariela · 17/07/2023 07:39

Have you spoken to anyone about the possibility of PND? Only you say you have moods etc Might help to talk to the health visitor, you've a lot on your plate and a poorly baby

Namechangedforthis2244 · 17/07/2023 07:41

I wouldn’t rely on a dna test I hadn’t seen done.

Privately and quietly contact the other guy and ask him to do a dna test so that you know for sure.

Then, and only then, work out what is best for baby and work back from there.

In my opinion it’s best for kids to know the truth about who they are from as young as possible so that there are no nasty surprises.

SBHon · 17/07/2023 07:42

my son has the right to grow up knowing the truth
This part of your OP really stands out to me.

although it risks a family drama and I hate the thought of my baby being at the centre of all that chaos.
But this ^ What about the drama for your son if he were to find out as an adult instead? By seeing his birth certificate or doing an ancestry test.

There’s also a thread running at the moment regarding names on birth certificates and it was mentioned on there that if you knowingly have an incorrect name on a birth certificate you could face prosecution.

Penny31 · 17/07/2023 07:44

You have to live with this forever. It will never go away. Get everything out in the open for everyone’s sake and deal with the fall out. Short term pain is better than the alternative.

Whatever the outcome you will feel better not having cover up a web of lies. You will always have your son. Imagine he finds out when he is older? It could have a real mental impact finding out his father is not his biological dad. It may cause a rift between you and him, could you handle that?

YallaYallaaa · 17/07/2023 07:45

Tell everyone the truth.

Honestly, I don’t think your partner will stick around long term. Your relationship has been in a bad place for a long time without this bombshell.

So you need all the support around you possible, and that includes financial support from the real father (which your partner has no obligation to provide).

MooMa83 · 17/07/2023 07:48

Agree with all above...it also sounds like your partner could hold this information over you as some kind of power trip, and potentially use as blackmail. That would be very unhealthy for all involved. Get the truth in the open. Sending handhold x

BoohooWoohoo · 17/07/2023 07:49

I think it's best to tell your child the truth. The popularity of ancestry tests means that he could find out his true parentage and things will be worse if he finds out as an adult. Young children are much better at dealing with this news. With the medical issues too, isn't it better for your son to be in contact with his dad just in case?

I would also get a DNA test with the other man. If it turns out that your partner lied then your relationship is screwed. It sounds like your partner is using this as a stick to beat you with and that's no way to live. It will be horrible for your son to live with this accusation being thrown at you in arguments.

Original poster

TDZ0802 · 17/07/2023 07:49

@GammonAndEggs Have not seen the test - he offered to send it to me and offered to do another test, I don’t think he is lying.

@Gazelda Not on the mortgage, I just meant he bought a house for us to live in - he stays Friday to Sunday then goes back for work through the week, we are not from the same area.

OP posts:

Tiredjoanna · 17/07/2023 08:05

If I were you I would let the other man know and do a DNA test yourself so you 100% know result. Better for baby to be told than to find out in future. Nothing worse than big secrets coming out. And I als agree that your partner sounds as though he will use this to hold over you. Sorry you're going through this, hope you work it out

onlylovecanhurtlikethis · 17/07/2023 08:06

The father and your child deserve to know the truth. Anything else is morally and ethically wrong

Mumtothreegirlies · 17/07/2023 08:07

i think you need to arrange a dna test where you can see the results. It’s likely he’s lied so that if he decides to cheat again he has (what he thinks) is an excuse. It’s also an excuse to not live with you full time probably so he can have a bit on the side.
Can’t see how you were pregnant by the other guy if you took the morning after pill.

dontgobaconmyheart · 17/07/2023 08:10

With respect, he has form for lying and is a cheat so whether or not I believed him I would be repeating the test myself.

I'd have no interest in being in a relationship with a man who thought it was acceptable to deny a child it's right to it's genetic father in order to pander to his own insecurities. Nor one that cheats or sneaks around doing DNA tests on my child without my consent or approval. The relationship sounds unstable and he sounds like he has issues. If he is still away throughout the week are you even certain he isn't still maintaining a relationship elsewhere?

If you stay with him by all means he can help raise the child, but he isn't the father. I think you are quite right to suppose that next time the relationship turns sour he will treat the baby as disposable. He hasn't 'bought you a house' either unless you're on the deeds as a 50/50 owner. He's bought himself a house that you can live in while it suits him and he can ask you and your son to leave anytime he likes, you have no security in that respect.

I would do right by the child, put it first. Establish DNA yourself and let the generic father know - if they opt out so be it. Lying about who his father is or lying to someone who has a child and pretending they don't just to please your current partner is not the way to handle this.

LeviJeanQueen · 17/07/2023 08:10

There’s a few things that I’d be wary of in terms of your partner. He was unfaithful, he has also said on occasion that he’s done with you and the baby, he arranged a DNA test without you knowing and he is trying to pressure you into not telling the biological father.

You are vulnerable as it seems you feel sorry for your partner because of getting pregnant and feel grateful for him sticking around and getting a house got you. That’s no basis for a relationship. The added pressure of your child being ill as well as the potential family fallout due to the father being your cousins ex means you are in danger of making a decision not in yours or your child’s best interest, but one that keeps the peace for now.

I don’t think your partner sounds like a good man. I would end the relationship, get the truth out about the father. Concentrate on your child’s health and bringing him up, potentially with his father in the picture if he’s willing. He needs to pay for his child at the very least.

I hope your sons surgery goes well.

Hollyppp · 17/07/2023 08:12

Agree with others, get the other man to do a test. Truth is best for everyone

MogsMa · 17/07/2023 08:13

The current situation won't hold so you need to get out ahead of it and work out what's for the best for yourself and your son.

I would get your partner to do another DNA test and make sure you see the results. Then be honest with everyone and let things play out- I suspect that either way your partner isn't going to stick around (he sounds as if he's half way out the door already) and you are in a precarious situation unmarried and living in his house, so start making plans.

SauronsArsehole · 17/07/2023 08:19

As PPs say. Contact the other man. Explain there’s a chance he could be the father now you’ve had time to process and work out the dates and ask for a DNA test to settle it.

go from there.

don’t tell him he is the dad. Tell him there’s a chance because your partner could potentially be lying (and I thought mums had to sign forms for DNA tests like that 🤔)

You need to know for certain with your own peace of mind.

also with your child’s I’ll health there could be family history you need to know from the other man that might help in the long run.

truth and facts are important here.

meditrina · 17/07/2023 08:24

I don't think that seeing proof of DNA results, and telling the other man (who will almost certainly want a test himself to be sure) is going to cause family dramas greater than the ones you already have (and which you risk increasing by not acting now)

Your situation is precarious - you are unmarried and live in his house. Have you looked into the differences between cohabitation and marriage? Do you have income/savings such that you can afford to live if this relationship breaks down?

If not, start planning your return to work. I think it would most definitely not be in your best interests to become financially dependent on this man. You describe your relationship as rocky and he's been v close to leaving.

loislovesstewie · 17/07/2023 08:29

Get a DNA test, establish who exactly is the father, get rid of the man who is manipulating you and bring your child up by yourself. It's in everyone's interests to know who the father is, can you think of any scenario where not knowing is better,secrets don't stay that way for long.If the other man is the father and they look alike then someone will put 2 and 2 together. It's better to know now rather than later.

Takeitonthechin · 17/07/2023 08:35

Do not live a lie, your son needs to know who his biological father is, this will spiral if left.
Even though the fallout maybe big or upsetting now, it won't seem that way in years to come.
It's best to get the truth out there sooner rather than later, your son will thank you for this and it saves heartache later in life.

drpet49 · 17/07/2023 08:46

YallaYallaaa · 17/07/2023 07:45

Tell everyone the truth.

Honestly, I don’t think your partner will stick around long term. Your relationship has been in a bad place for a long time without this bombshell.

So you need all the support around you possible, and that includes financial support from the real father (which your partner has no obligation to provide).

I agree with all of this.

Ilikejamtarts · 17/07/2023 08:50

BoohooWoohoo · 17/07/2023 07:49

Agree with this.....
We don't know if there is precious history with control but my first thought when reading your post was that there's a High chance he could be bullshitting you about the DNA test so you end up feeling grateful and indebted to him in a way for taking on another man's baby. If it was me who had those results I'd be arranging a sit down with my piece of paper ready in hand confirming results. His offer to show it to you...not hard to do a little Google and draw his own up, he has afterall Bided himself some time to do this by not presenting you with the paper result to begin with. And don't think that's not possible as I actually have an acquaintance who did this to someone and the other party believed the result when it was wrong!!
Also as others have said, he shouldn't have done it behind your back. Surely if he wanted to know for certain all he had to do is appraich you and ask? Seems to me like he's come out with this result spur of the moment, possibly after an argument? His whole approach seems off to me and i wouldnt be trusting what he says

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