Partner is not baby’s father - WWYD?

[TDZ0802]

Apologies for the long post ahead - I hope it makes some sort of sense, we’ve not had much sleep tonight (teething already!)

My partner and I went through a very rocky period in our relationship, issues that arose from him being unfaithful (found out he’d had a long distance relationship with another woman). We split and I slept with someone else I suppose out of spite. We used protection but it split and so I took the morning after pill. In the days leading up to this and a matter of days later I was back with my partner, we did not use any form of contraception and slept together multiple times.
I found out I was pregnant and we knew there was (or so we thought) the smallest chance the baby was the other guys but I really honestly just couldn’t see how it was likely. My baby is now two months old and I’ve just found out my partner done a DNA test on him which came back as a 0% chance of him being the father. He said he wanted to continue as his father and if the other guy was to know or become involved he would feel as though something had been taken away from him. The other guy messaged during pregnancy to ask whether the baby could be his to which I replied no and he was very relieved - he is also my cousin’s ex, very stupid of me🤦🏼‍♀️

As I said our relationship has been rocky for quite some time, better during pregnancy but has definitely been testing since my son was born. He has also threatened a few times he was “done with the situation” and most recently said he wanted no more to do with me nor my son - he changed his mind soon after and I do realise how difficult it must be for him but part of me wonders whether his love for my son is now conditional and relies solely on us being together, and whether he would walk out on him if things didn’t work out between us. He said he hasn’t felt a “whoosh” of love for him yet.

I’m finding things quite difficult right now - we are due to go to Great Ormond Street in a few weeks due to my son needing surgery (we live at the other end of the country and I’ll likely be taking him there alone so feeling quite anxious).

What would you all do in this situation? My boy is my absolute priority in all of this.
Part of me thinks: The other guy has the right to know, my son has the right to grow up knowing the truth too, although it risks a family drama and I hate the thought of my baby being at the centre of all that chaos.
Another part things: My partner chose to step up and take on the role as father regardless of the outcome. He bought us a house, he’s been here every week like he said he would be and he has been trying - bringing me flowers, taking our boy out for a couple of hours so I can get a break etc. (It’s my moods that have been awful and I need to work on that, I’m just so overwhelmed) Maybe I should just leave things as they are and hopefully once it’s all settled down he’ll have a dad that wanted him and chose him, and he doesn’t need to know any different.

Thoughts? I can’t believe my life has turned into such mayhem - I just want to be able to enjoy these new baby days.

Mums don't have to sign anything. I paid privately for a DNA test from my grandson, purely because, quite frankly it came out of the blue 3 weeks before he was born we were told. Once he was born I knew he was my sons just by looking at him but before we all bonded with the beautiful boy we had to make sure

Everyone needs to know the TRUTH. Your son, the real father, the other man. This will only get worse as you go through life. Speak up now.

100% tell the other man and request he does a dna test.

He's lied to you and is now holding you to ransom because of it. Once a cheat always a cheat,

Equally. From a medical point of view. Your son many need to know his real father to save his life one day.

I think best to draw a line under all the mess and get things out in the open and done properly.

Ask your partner for a DNA test taken in front of you. If not the baby's father, I would contact the other guy, say you're very sorry, you made a mistake with the dates and there is a possibility the baby could be his so you'd like to do a test. Be open with current guy.

You can't just hide a child's paternity from him so his idea of bringing up the child as DP's(if not his) can't just be done hush hush. Especially not if he's now having doubts. Regardless of principle you're storing up trouble in these days of 23 and me etc. Also if he has health problems a family history may be a useful thing to know.

If I am honest it sounds like the relationship is too messy. I'd find out where you stand, set up maintenance and access and go forward as a single mum. If the baby is not your partner's then I don't think it sounds stable enough. If the baby is then he is a hypocrite after choosing to cheat. It may be calmer all round to concentrate on you and your little boy and leave the personal stuff in the past.

Agree with @Penny31

Make the choice to be transparent from now on in all your life admin and personal relationships, even if that involves difficult conversations in the moment. So much easier and lighter.

i must be having one of those Mandela effects because I could have sworn they work by preventing implantation of a fertilised egg. Just googled and you are of course right.
luckily my husbands had the snip 😅

You definitely need to see this dna test before you do anything. If it is the other man’s baby you should tell him, it’s not fair on him or your son to be kept in the dark and the fallout you will have to deal with for your sons sake.

I think the best chance you have here is talking to the other possible parent.
you can explain that you feel he needs to do a dna test and explain why you need to keep it quiet from your partner until the results come back. If it’s him who’s the dad then hopefully he will support you to make a plan to get you and his son out of that house then you can Tell your partner the truth.
I think your partner sounds like a horrible lier and very manipulative .
yes he will dump your son if you split I’d bet he would dump him even if he is his .
I think it sounds like you have to prepare your self to be parenting alone your doing it most of the week anyway but your not getting the joy with all this stress and uncertainty oh and control.

you need to think of your son first in all
this start with thinking how this will effect his future , so once the tests are done you are in a better replace to see who should be supporting you with childcare , emotionally and financial (cma) if needed .

please report back

You risk 20 years worth of bottled up stress as you worry you have concealed the truth. Allow your DS to have the full deck of cards. Your DP sounds a bit mixed up and spiteful, this will likely get worse in time BUT there's a strong possibility you are experiencing some PND. You have a combination of emotional upset re your babies health, confusion as to telling the truth, worry about partner leaving. I'd get it out in the open now, even if there is no expectation on other man, at least he knows. You're entitled to maintenance obviously as it takes 2. Can you get support from local groups and build a network.

He's going to throw this in your face for the rest of your life.

I know a woman ("Amy") who has purposely put the wrong man on her DS birth cert - illegal I know. Her DS is now about 20 and still thinks this man ("Dave") is his dad, knows nothing about his 'real' dad.

It was the right decision for Amy, she was (I use the word loosely) dating an abusive alcoholic who she ended up getting a restraining order from. Amy and Dave had been friends years and he stepped in when she was pregnant. They eventually got married with DS was about 4. She has decided that if DS does ever find out through a medical reason/ ancestry she is going to she was dating 2 men at the time. Dave seemed like the more likely candidate to be the father. Dave knew what was going on and they never did a test.

In your situation though it sounds like your partner is not going be to a good father for life for you DS and that he would possibly use this against you forever.

Who is on the birth cert? What have you told family/ friends?

Id want sight of this test. I completely agree with your assessment, he is not invested in the child outside of your relationship. I think you might be better taking a break, none of this sounds healthy and you cannot be the best parent you can be while your in a relationship that has you on edge like this. I also agree that other man deserves to know. No one should have children floating about that they are unaware of.

You sound pretty decent OP, please trust your gut. Shit happens, we never expect to find ourselves in these JK situations but it doesnt make us bad people. Im 3 terminations deep in life, a 37 year old professional who has made some shit relationship decisions in the past, who has since had two miscarriages with my partner of 10 years. You can imagine my feelings of getting what I deserve. Life isnt perfect, give yourself a break and do what you know to be right x

1- being overwhelmed: this could PND or dealing with a baby that is unwell and needs surgery. Either (let alone both) can easily explain why ‘your moods are awful’. I’d see your GP about that and not do anything until your baby has had his surgery and you feel more on an even keel.

2- your DP isn’t great. Yes he stepped up and said all the right things. But He is also now basically blackmailing you re your ds and using him to have a go at you. As if you had done something bad when you didn’t as you were separated due to HIS infidelity.

3- I’d want to do a DNA test myself. If the father is your DO’s cousin, I’m surprised by the 0% chance of him being the father. I might be wrong there though.

The relationship with your boyfriend isn’t going to last, so make plans for that. Where will you live? You cannot be dependent on a dishonest boyfriend to house you, he could boot you out of his property at any second.

Your kid must know his parentage, that’s more important than your current boyfriends moods.

How did he get a DNA test without your consent??

3- I’d want to do a DNA test myself. If the father is your DO’s cousin, I’m surprised by the 0% chance of him being the father. I might be wrong there though.

It's her cousin's ex, not ex's cousin.

Sorry, I misread there @slashlover .
Thank you.

Thanks everyone for your replies. I think I knew deep down what I had to do - it’s just a difficult thing to face up to, I suppose I had imagined our lives being a certain way and I love seeing the two of them together, too. However I owe it to my little boy to provide him with stability in his life and he deserves to know the truth. I will arrange another test with me sending it away and also have the results sent directly to me. I will then take it from there. You are all right in saying that the temporary embarrassment and possibly a few uncomfortable conversations/confrontations is minor compared to the heartbreak I would feel at losing my son down the line if he finds out in another way.

My partner has said he has built a bond with my little boy from the day I found out I was pregnant, he gets up to do the feeds through the night, he contributes financially every month, he reads him stories and calls himself ‘dad’ and he does seem really genuine when I see them in those moments together. If I’m honest, I can’t see us being together much longer. He has said regardless of whether we are together he wants a part in my sons life, and that he said otherwise in a ‘moment of hurt’ and didn’t mean this. Part of me feels it would be wrong to not allow him to continue seeing him, if this is true, but am wary of letting my son build up a bond incase he doesn’t stand by what he says.

I think I’ve said ‘my’ child rather than ‘our’ because he has cast doubt in my mind about whether he would actually stick around.

For those asking how he was able to take a paternity test without my consent - he says he ticked a box claiming that he had parental rights.

I have a fairly well paid job, able to support us financially, fortunate to have family who would help with childcare.

I have questioned whether I may have a touch of PND. I am really struggling with my appearance and my body since giving birth and struggle to find anything to wear that fits/suits me. My little boy is the love of my life and our days are mostly full of smiles - I think the moods come when my partner is here and it’s as though the exhaustion suddenly catches up on me and I’m so overstimulated by that point that the slightest thing he does (or doesn’t do) sets me off.

Can a father do a DNA test without the mother knowing?
'I don't want the mother to know I'm doing a DNA test with the child. ' If you are a man seeking paternity answers through a DNA test, you do not need the mother's permission if you are listed on the birth certificate and are considered the legal father.17 May 2021
https://dnatesting.com/discreetly-doing-a-dna-test-without-consent-possible/

Bit silly tell the other guy he isn't the father. What if you want to claim CMS?

He isn’t on the birth certificate. What’s done is done but if he had asked in the first place I would have agreed.

I’m the child of pretty much this exact situation. My mother let the non-biological dad “raise” me but then they split up. Non-bio dad did his duty and took me for some school holidays etc but was pretty emotionally stunted and my mum also revealed to me at around age 8 that my paternity was in question but I had to keep this a secret from non-bio dad. I have to say this fucked me up quite a bit! I appreciate non-bio dads efforts but always felt like if he knew the “truth” about me he wouldn’t love me anymore - which is an AWFUL way for a kid to feel.

Eventually I connected with biological dad who really has been brilliant. When non-bio dad found out he basically never spoke to me again. Someone I thought to be my dad abandoning me in my 20s was very very hard emotionally.

So, no I 10000% do not advise that you keep your baby’s real paternity a secret from him and his biological dad. If your partner wants to co-parent with you he needs to be willing to do that with your baby having a relationship with his biological dad too. Otherwise you don’t proceed with the relationship.

Plenty of opportunity for finding a loving step dad down the line who is clear about their role in your son’s life.

Cousins ex boyfriend drama is not as important as your baby knowing their biological dad and getting a chance to have a relationship with him.

Please put your line in the sand at open honesty about this whole thing - the other path is so so unwise and will just damage your boy in the long run.

OP, please don’t let this be something he ( or anyone else) beats you with a stick about. There’s no shame in having consenting sex with whoever you wish while you were single.

Separate to that though, the situation has evolved, and you do owe your son, and his potential biological father the truth and the opportunity of a relationship.

It sounds like your a bit hormonal and overwhelmed at the moment, which is understandable, and again nothing to be ashamed of. There are professionals that can help with this though, and in time this may shift your perspective on your current partner.

Hormones aside I get the impression that you’re a strong capable women - you’ve got this Mama.

Before you do anything do your own paternity test. Once you know for sure who the father is then you can make some decisions.

I’d get the other guy to do a test. I’d want evidence. The truth will come out.