Partner is not baby’s father - WWYD?

[TDZ0802]

Apologies for the long post ahead - I hope it makes some sort of sense, we’ve not had much sleep tonight (teething already!)

My partner and I went through a very rocky period in our relationship, issues that arose from him being unfaithful (found out he’d had a long distance relationship with another woman). We split and I slept with someone else I suppose out of spite. We used protection but it split and so I took the morning after pill. In the days leading up to this and a matter of days later I was back with my partner, we did not use any form of contraception and slept together multiple times.
I found out I was pregnant and we knew there was (or so we thought) the smallest chance the baby was the other guys but I really honestly just couldn’t see how it was likely. My baby is now two months old and I’ve just found out my partner done a DNA test on him which came back as a 0% chance of him being the father. He said he wanted to continue as his father and if the other guy was to know or become involved he would feel as though something had been taken away from him. The other guy messaged during pregnancy to ask whether the baby could be his to which I replied no and he was very relieved - he is also my cousin’s ex, very stupid of me🤦🏼‍♀️

As I said our relationship has been rocky for quite some time, better during pregnancy but has definitely been testing since my son was born. He has also threatened a few times he was “done with the situation” and most recently said he wanted no more to do with me nor my son - he changed his mind soon after and I do realise how difficult it must be for him but part of me wonders whether his love for my son is now conditional and relies solely on us being together, and whether he would walk out on him if things didn’t work out between us. He said he hasn’t felt a “whoosh” of love for him yet.

I’m finding things quite difficult right now - we are due to go to Great Ormond Street in a few weeks due to my son needing surgery (we live at the other end of the country and I’ll likely be taking him there alone so feeling quite anxious).

What would you all do in this situation? My boy is my absolute priority in all of this.
Part of me thinks: The other guy has the right to know, my son has the right to grow up knowing the truth too, although it risks a family drama and I hate the thought of my baby being at the centre of all that chaos.
Another part things: My partner chose to step up and take on the role as father regardless of the outcome. He bought us a house, he’s been here every week like he said he would be and he has been trying - bringing me flowers, taking our boy out for a couple of hours so I can get a break etc. (It’s my moods that have been awful and I need to work on that, I’m just so overwhelmed) Maybe I should just leave things as they are and hopefully once it’s all settled down he’ll have a dad that wanted him and chose him, and he doesn’t need to know any different.

Thoughts? I can’t believe my life has turned into such mayhem - I just want to be able to enjoy these new baby days.

Please do a test via a reputable company.. Your dp could be lying to punish you for sleeping with another man.. Being honest at this early stage will save issues further down the line imo.

He could easily have got one of his friends to take the test for him to give the negative result.

You need to get him to do another test, with you actually present when it is done.

FYI, and in case you ever need to rely on it - the MAP works by stopping ovulation, so it only works if you haven’t yet ovulated in the cycle in which you take it. If you have, then the chances of getting pregnant are the same as any other cycle.

So he did the dna test in secret and you still haven’t seen the results. I wouldn’t believe him.

He needs to do a proper test openly with you.

I think you need to get a dna test with the other guy for everyone’s sake especially your sons who ultimately may want that information in the future. This will continue to come up for you as a “should I have done this or not”.

I also notice you refer to “my son” throughout your post and only say “our son” once - how much do you see him as your partners son OP?

Op, i knew a child whose Mum put the current boyfriend on birth cert even though they both knew he wasn’t the dad. Child now doesn’t have any idea about his dad, wonders a lot about if he looks like him, will be tall like him etc.

the waste of space boyfriend didn’t hang around so child feels abandoned by real dad and boyfriend on birth cert as neither stuck about for him.

it’s so damaging to the child to deceive them now and in the future not to mention depriving a parent of their child.

be honest now and always

I think he's lying so he has a hold over you and so you feel 'grateful' that he's stuck by you. Get the evidence and be 100% certain the evidence isn't forged.

Have you seen the DNA test?

Please don't keep the truth from your son. I accidentally found out when I was 16 that my brother was only my half brother and my brother found out a few years later and it caused so many problems.

Plus even if we hadnt found out as teenagers, we both did those DNA family tree things which matched us as half brother and sister so we would have eventually found out anyway.

You have to tell the truth. And see the test. Good luck.

What does he have to say re informing your cousin’s ex that he IS the father? What if you apply for CMS? Would that make his life easier or harder? (Would undoubtedly be a token amount.) If you did, what would the ramifications be with your family?

I'm also suspicious of the DNA test. I agree with getting tested with the other man.

Op he's going to hold this resentment over you and your son for the rest of your lives. He's already threatened to leave, he's not allowing your son to have involvement with his birth father, and he doesn't love the baby.

I cannot see this ending well. Honestly in your position id be getting the DNA done and if it is the other man's, I'd be letting him know. I don't think I'd want to be with someone like your partner now you have a child to think about.

I agree with the other posters,

You need proof of the DNA test. If he refuses, get your own one ordered. Then, you can decide next steps.

You have to live by the truth whether you like it or not.

This man deserves to know he is the father of this baby and have a chance at being a parent. Withholding this is WRONG.

You are also doing your son a disservice by deliberately preventing him having a relationship with his biological dad. That is cruel and unfair.

Do you plan on telling him at any point in his life that his 'dad' isn't his dad? And you always knew this?

Do you want your son to have to go through that? Questioning his whole life and relationship with his 'dad'?

Him having to fight to find him and drop the bombshell on his real dad decades later?

That is cruel to the both of them. You don't get to do that to people because you don't like the DNA result.

You need to be honest whether you want to or not. It's not about you. It's about your son and his real dad and you putting a barrier deliberately between them.

Also your boyfriend is already weaponising the DNA result against you. If you split in the future, he might just abandon your son. Causing more trauma.

I hope your sons surgery goes well xx

Do a DNA test yourself. The fact he did it secretly rings alarm bells for all the reasons posters above have mentioned.

If your current partner is not the child's father and walks out then he will use that DNA test to not pay maintenance, which is fair enough as it's not his responsibility. But this leaves you high and dry and you'll end up having to contact the other guy and prove paternity anyway.

Your OP is maybe missing some details but your partner hasn't bought you a house, he's bought a house likely 100% in his name and you are not on the deeds. If he kicks you out you have nothing. You're not married and you're not named on the property.

It's early days but you need to plan to return to work and be financially independent.

But first, establish paternity and go from there. A lifetime trying to keep this a secret will blow up in your face and your child deserves to know their real parentage.

Yes definitely get your own dna test. Sorry missed this

Tell the truth OP or it will be a dark cloud over happy times ahead. Get a dna test that you can verify then move forward armed with the true information. Agree with other posters that this guy is too volatile to trust with keeping this secret even if you did decide to go down that path. You will forever be walking on eggshells worrying that he will spill the beans. Don’t give him that power which will only increase as your son gets older. Good luck OP and wish long you all the best with your sons operation.

It it genuinely didn't matter to you partner, the they wouldn't have needed to do the test. The fact that they did, and that they are already throwing things back at you, make me worry that one day they might spill the beans to the child. I wouldn't want to risk my child finding out in a heat of the moment argument when their older.

You must tell the bio father and your son the truth.
You cannot imagine the devastation and fallout lying would cause - I have seen it firsthand (someone who found out their "dad" wasn't their bio dad when they were in their 20s)

I also feel like your partner will use this against you at a later date - he's already said he wants nothing to do with you and your son then took it back. I also think you're right in that he will be a father to him as long as you're together.

If your son needs surgery and he wants to be a father etc why aren't you taking him together? Your partner is a liar and a cheat and I genuinely think you need to proceed with extreme caution here. You and a child that's not biologically his will be living in a house he owns that you have no claim to, you aren't married so you will have no protection whatsoever. You're in a very very precarious position.

Repeat the DNA test yourself (with both men), see the results for yourself and go from there. But I really can't see this ending well with your current partner

This is a really good point

I would get a dna test. Everyone needs the truth and I don’t think your partner will necessarily keep his dna test result secret. Is it a reliable result?
Also, family medical history can impact on children so I would definitely want my child ‘paired’ with his biological father/family for health purposes.
Your partner might just be struggling with a new baby but it was sneaky to get a dna test behind your back. That’s a red flag for me.

Do you know which company he used? If it's a send by post type service then he could have asked a friend to send a sample.

I would also be looking into whether he can organise a test without your consent because I imagined that a court order is the only way that it could be done without your consent. As others pointed out, this could be a ploy to control you as it forces you to be grateful to him. It also absolves him of Child Maintenance obligations.

If your relationship with him breaks down then he could tell your family about the other guy anyway. It's best all round that it's done calmly and officially. Your family and the other guy finding out as a result of your partner trying to get revenge will be far more drama than everyone knowing now. Facing the end of the relationship and having the other man and your family angry will be far more stressful.

Get another DNA test.

If your son isn't his I would move on truthfully. He has already thrown it in your face during arguments. It will be used again. Not fair on your son.

Tell the other man he has a child. Again, wouldn't be fair on your son.

I found out when I as 10 the man I lived with wasn't my father. It wasn't nice to say the least.