How long can we share a room with our DD? Can’t afford to move

[tiredandexhausted4]

I’m really stressed. We live in a one bed flat with our 13 month old. We cannot afford a bigger place, rents have become extortionate, cost of living with everything gone up, bills have gone up and looking outside and commuting in the difference with rent and extra travel means it doesnt make much difference and also our quality of life would go down.

where we live is small but we have everything we want on our doorstep such as parks, near to sea, town centre which is great for taking little one out.

DH doesnt drive which is a factor for not being able to move further and can’t afford lessons and an extra car anyway. I have a car but paid for it outright years ago and is fuel efficient and have low insurance etc so isn’t a drain on money atm.

I’m left with £200 disposable after bills/paying off debt and food due to nursery costs cutting into my disposable, DH not left with much either so saving anything leaves us with nothing.

I work near enough full time in public sector which pays crap for what I do; but I’m really tired and don’t think I could cope with a job change at the moment and they’re very flexible so works with childcare.

DD is in our room for now, which is fine but I really want to give her her own room. How long is it acceptable for her to stay in our room in her cot? I feel so guilty, down and embarrassed I can’t provide more.

Ok. You really need to let go of this guilt.

think of all the things you are providing for your child.

she is warm, fed, loved, has a safe place to sleep. That sounds pretty good to me. She absolutely will not care about not having her own room, I bet she loves being in with you.

You are fine for now, and the next few years.

can you use a room divider when they are older? or a bunkbed divider with a double bed at the bottom? ( or put another single bed next to it with a double mattress on top?

https://www.pinterest.co.uk/pin/bunk-bed-room-dividers-what-are-they-proscons-and-diy--694961786241111587/

As she gets older, you could always let her have the bedroom and you and dh sleep on a sofa bed in the lounge. Not ideal I know, but it is an option.

My grandparents had 6 children in a 3-bed house. One in a box room, three in the back room and two in with them till the youngest was six! It was certainly a squeeze and not ideal, but it worked. Hold tight and don’t beat yourself up about it.

I have a 4yo who I am pretty sure would prefer to share our room if he could. I think you have a while before you need to worry about this too much.

also that guilt is not serving you, it’s getting in the way. So it would be helpful to let it go.

You don't need to move. So long as you're comfortable, you're ok. There's no wrong or right. Enjoy life.

She’s still a baby, really it’s not a big deal. I know people cosleeping with 3YOs by choice. Reassess if you are still then when she’s getting on for a school age. You could always move to a sofa bed in the living room and give her the bedrooms if it comes to it.

You have years before she would want her own space. Try to let go of that guilt and enjoy the positive things about your location. Close to parks, sea and town centre sounds great!

13 months is so young. She really doesn't care about having her own room, in fact she's probably a lot happier being close to mum and dad! I think you're fine for the next few years.

I have three children in a tiny house. I get you.

But the reality of the situation is that all my children have their own bed, as does yours, and we can't afford to move, so there really isn't any point wasting time feeling bad or worrying about something that can't be changed.

My youngest is 3.5 and sleeps in my bed most of the time anyway, so you have ages before you need to worry about it really. As someone else said, you could always give her the room and sleep on a sofa bed down the line if you need to. It's not the end of the world.

As an aside one of my close friends is Greek and was brought up in Athens - she is mystified by the fact that everyone in this country is obsessed with having a big house and the need for every child to have their own room. Where she was brought up it was very usual to have two or three to a bedroom and everyone was fine.

As long as she has her own small bed and a few shelves for her toys and books, she'll be OK with you till she starts at school at least. I'm speaking from experience! In a few years, you may be in a different position and DH may be able to drive and have a car?

Meanwhile, there's so many good ideas on the web for living in a small space with kids. Section off her little area with a simple curtain when she's a little older? '600 square foot and a baby' blog was my obsession for a while. Lots of clever ideas there.

You need to let go of that guilt! Almost everyone is under the cosh at the moment and the most successful people in any difficult situation are those that can approach things flexibly and positively. Overstretching to move to somewhere bigger would be a poor decision. You are making a good decision based on where you are at right now. You really don't have to worry at all just yet about the baby sharing with you. I'd recommend getting a 'everyday sofa bed' for your living area for you and your DH. I bought some recently for our spare room and they really are as comfortable as a regular bed. You can store all your clothes in the bedroom so you're really just sleeping in the living room.

A few years down the road, things could change and you may well be able to afford something bigger. But right now, we all have to make sensible decisions to hold onto our money.

I think you'll be ok until she is 4 or 5 to share.

It is difficult for the current generation of parents, as we are not able to provide the same things our parents provided to us when we were growing up (be it enough bedrooms, house size, holidays, etc), and with that comes guilt. But everyone is in the same boat, so try not to see it as a personal failing. It is just the state of the world at the moment.

I am sure she is more than happy being in with you - it won’t damage her a jot. You are sensible to stay in a good location and not overstretch yourselves.

My DS is 2.5 and would quite happily sleep in our bed/room every night given the choice, despite having his own. I think at 13 months sharing is fine, but if you find when she’s older she needs her own room then as a PP said you can always have a sofa bed in the living room and she can have the bedroom.
We stayed in our one bed flat after our son was born longer than originally planned, because overstretching ourselves financially while I was on Mat leave for the sake of an extra bedroom just wasn’t worth it.
You are giving her everything she needs and more, please don’t beat yourself up. These are unprecedented times.

My DD had her own room but like hell could I get her out of my bed until she was about 9. Not a massive inconvenience as I am single, but I think you have at least another 4 years before you have to worry about her having her own room.

Build similar but with rails up high enough so the child can’t climb out and put a gate in for safety

You are a fantastic hardworking mum op !! She’s fine in the room with you and in a few years things may improve financially

In years to come you will look back at this guilt and feel very sorry for your younger self.

Your dd is in a location where lovely things are at the doorstep. Mum and dad can afford it, work facillitates dd. Don't throw away your pleasure in your achievment for an abstract notion of what "should" happen in the life of a child.

Be a bit easier on yourself op so that you can enjoy this time op.

My 3 year old is still in my room due to a lack of space, he'll probably be here for another year or so but we're all used to it and it's quite nice waking up with him. I think I'll miss him when he goes into another room!

Think of it the other way round. Which is more likely to be a stressful childhood: sharing a room in a loving family who are getting the bills paid and enjoying what they do have, or having your own room but with family in constant stress of how to keep the heating on or food on the table? I agree with others above - let go of the guilt and enjoy your life. A big house is not everything by a long shot.

I’m the right age to have lived through a major market crash as a child and I spent the majority of my primary school years sharing a room with my grandparents as a result. I didn’t know as a child that I was rooming with them because of money issues. I loved sharing with them because they were happy and fun and kind. I only worked it out as an adult. I promise it did not hurt me or stunt me emotionally or anything.

Sharing with stressed out people who shout or worse… that might require some extra thought. But if you all get along, there is absolutely nothing wrong with small home life!

A relative had her 6yr old still sleeping in their bedroom till they moved. Not ideal, but they coped.

Would you have room in your bedroom to add a toddler bed in time? Maybe add a tent/cave effect like this, so she has her own, little space to retreat to.
Manis-h Cotton Drape

Our 3.5 year old has his own room. It's the room that needs the least cleaning/tidying as he is never in it! He toys are scattered in the lounge and he sleeps in our bed 🤔

This is making me feel so much better. I’ve been so stressed thinking I’m just crap. DD is happy and has everything she needs, she just doesn’t have her own room yet.