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Original poster

Justifiable adultery

84 replies

Spudboy · 13/07/2023 09:23

Is there such a thing as justifiable adultery? My wife and I have not been intimate for 17 years and I’ve met someone else. We’ve been friends for nearly two years and only recently became intimate.

OP posts:
Badger1970 · 13/07/2023 09:33

No.

It's cruel, selfish and abhorent - especially for the person being cheated on.

Be kind and end an unhappy relationship.

IncompleteSenten · 13/07/2023 09:47

Yes.
If you have an agreement with your spouse to have an open relationship and you're both happy with that, it's fine. 👍

Aquamarine1029 · 13/07/2023 09:49

Be an adult and end your marriage honorably. You have every right to if it's not making you happy.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Relationship problems
DataNotLore · 13/07/2023 09:50

Shit happens.

Leave your wife.

Newtrix · 13/07/2023 09:50

Nope. End your marriage and act like an adult. People like you disgust me.

MrsPapadopolis · 13/07/2023 09:51

Does your wife know OP?

Divebar2021 · 13/07/2023 09:52

This is not going to go well here…. But 17 years??? I doubt anyone else would manage that in a sexless marriage. What does your DW think is going to happen?

BodyKeepingScore · 13/07/2023 09:52

No. The minute you developed feelings for someone else, nevermind actual intimacy, you should have left your wife out of decency and respect for her rather than betray her.

LobsterCrab · 13/07/2023 09:53

It's ok if your wife knows and has given you permission.

Moveoverdarlin · 13/07/2023 09:53

Yes. I know a few men that I genuinely hope are cheating on their wives and getting some happiness. My in-laws are utterly miserable in their marriage. They are in their early 80s and so so unhappy despite being married 50 years. My FIL goes to bowls on a Friday afternoon and I’d love him to be banging one of the old dears at the bowls club because my MIL is such a poisonous old hag. I doubt he is, but it makes me smile hoping he is.

Same with a few other couples I know.

PrayerFactory · 13/07/2023 09:53

IncompleteSenten · 13/07/2023 09:47

Yes.
If you have an agreement with your spouse to have an open relationship and you're both happy with that, it's fine. 👍

Yes, absolutely. I know two different married couples who have this arrangement and it seems to be working well.

RebelR · 13/07/2023 09:54

I think life isn't as black and white as many on MN would like to believe and all sorts of things happen that lead to poor decisions and trying to do the best for everyone without losing yourself.

What I will say though is that while secrets can be thrilling, anything that needs to be secret is going to make you miserable in the long run - and that's before the misery it causes when it comes out.

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/07/2023 09:57

It’s done now so tell your wife you want a divorce and move on.

LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 13/07/2023 10:01

No, and I speak as one who was the adulterer. Apart from the morality, I can also say from experience that whatever the dynamics in your marriage before, cheating on a spouse immediately puts you into being the worst kind of bad person.

bellsbuss · 13/07/2023 10:03

17 years with no sex, no judgement from me. I'm amazed you lasted that long , you should end your marriage now though

WeeOrcadian · 13/07/2023 10:08

Have you had a conversation with your wife about this? Does she know? Has she given her 'blessing'?

Original poster
Spudboy · 13/07/2023 10:08

I know the proper thing to do is to come clean with my wife but the situation has been complicated by her diagnosis with terminal cancer shortly after I met the other person. Thoughts?

OP posts:
Original poster
Spudboy · 13/07/2023 10:14

My wife does not know and does not know the other person. I approached my wife a couple times maybe 4-5 years ago and her knee jerk reaction both times was to tell me to seek satisfaction elsewhere. I don’t know if that was just her way of ducking the conversation or she really meant it. Whatever the case, I feel compelled to share the situation with her on some level now.

OP posts:
MidgeMainCourse · 13/07/2023 10:17

Your wife of nearly two decades has a terminal cancer diagnosis and you've decided now is the time to fuck about?

Ugh. It's not to do with whether it's "justified" or not - most people can find excuses to justify whatever they want to themselves - but the kind of person that you are.

So. What kind of person are you? Is your wife someone who, in the face of death, deserves an extra betrayal?

Does she have other support? People who love her? Maybe she'd be better off without you. The qualities that you're displaying aren't ones you should feel proud of are they? You've even tried to manipulate people on an anonymous forum to think less badly off you - your original post wasn't "no sex / terminal cancer / new partner lined up / lying" - it was trying to get validation before you mentioned that she was dying.

Original poster
Spudboy · 13/07/2023 10:23

Fair enough, and no, I’m not proud. I’m tortured by the situation. Just for clarity though, I did not decide to ‘fuck about’ upon learning of my wife’s diagnosis.

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 13/07/2023 10:27

Whether you 'decided to' or not, it's literally precisely what you're now doing. Grim.

shithappensletsdance · 13/07/2023 10:28

So did you sleep with the OW before or after you found out your wife had terminal cancer?

Jesus.

You say you have know the OW for 2 years so does she also know your wife?

Both of you seem lovely.

Hobnobswantshernameback · 13/07/2023 10:29

🤔

Original poster
Spudboy · 13/07/2023 10:32

Of course my wife does not deserve an extra betrayal on her death bed. Nobody does. She has however become increasingly reclusive through the years long preceding the diagnosis and has not maintained ties with other friends and family.

OP posts:
CoteDOpale · 13/07/2023 10:33

No, it’s not justifiable.

Your options are:

A. Talk to your wife about your need for intimacy and the current lack of. If you were to agree on an open relationship, fine. Some people are happy with this, others aren’t. If she is - great, crack on.

B. End your marriage, start new relationship with OW.

C. Forget about OW, stay with your wife and work on your intimacy - but you’d have to be open about the fact you’ve cheated now which may well have fucked it.

Up to you how you proceed, but it can’t stay a secret.