Justifiable adultery

[Spudboy]

Is there such a thing as justifiable adultery? My wife and I have not been intimate for 17 years and I’ve met someone else. We’ve been friends for nearly two years and only recently became intimate.

Again life isn't black and white. Having cared for a spouse with terminal cancer, I can absolutely see why now is the time to finally do something about your situation. The stark realisation that life is short and you've wasted too much of it already alongside incredible stressor.

I wasn't unfaithful but I did do some very out of character things in response the situation I was in. Things I'm sure I've been judged for.

Of course it's not right and frankly, it's unlikely to make you happy, but I can see how and why it happens.

@CoteDOpale This.

You should have ended it years ago if you were unhappy. That would have been fine. Instead, you started shagging someone else.

Now, you’re going to have to be a cunt and end things with your wife when she’s dying of cancer or you’ll continue to fuck around behind her back when she’s dying of cancer.

Slow clap. Well done. Great work.

You should have ended it years ago but you didn't. Can you put your 'friendship' aside for the time your wife has left?

I can. I don’t want to hurt her either but my wife is my first priority.

Dont tell your wife. Why introduce yet another source of stress into an already difficult time for you both? If you intend to care for your wife during her terminal days, then I wouldn’t be the one to judge you. I would think it would NOT be a good time to start divorce proceedings, unlike some of the faux outraged respondents.

If you feel guilt, just accept that’s the price you are paying for your part in the deception, no point in loading that onto your wife.

I wish you well.

Thank you

You need to sort yourself out and stop being so self pitying.

Your wife has been diagnosed with terminal cancer and yet YOU’RE the tortured one?

Nurse your wife like you promised to and get over this « woe is me » nonsense.

Bullshit. Your first priority is you. Men like you stay in a marriage like that because they’re getting something from it. It may not have been sex but no doubt security, washing and ironing or something. Now you feel guilty because you’re cheating and your wife is dying. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Give your wife informed consent as to whether or not SHE wants to continue being married to you should you open up your marriage. However, I must say your unilateral decision to open up your marriage (aka - cheat on your wife behind her back) is abhorrent.

Oh behave. I nursed bedbound terminally ill DH for three months. Even he said it was worse for me than him.

Well, she has terminal cancer, so what a delightful ‘get out of jail free’ card you have.

What more do you want, OP?

I really hope you’re on a wind-up, because this is awful.

I think in ways, yes.

If your wife hasn't wanted sex for 17 years and you have, then I don't see why she would be upset that you have sex with someone else. It's not like she wants that part of a relationship. I think i'd like the choice though beforehand, i.e to know you're actually going to sleep with someone if I don't want to.

Surely it only makes sense to be in forced celibacy if you both choose to be celibate.

@bonzaitree is the one you’re telling off…..?

Really……………………?

If my husband would do this, I want him to tell me especially if I am going through terminal illness so that I can have the chance to alter my Will!

Depends on the reasons, depends on the sex drivees and how long the couple have been together, depends on the level of intimacy/closeness outside of sex TBH. I am always a bit suspicious because you sometimes get people mentioning lack of sex for X time making it sound like the other person can't be bothered/doesn't care whereas they could have suffered severe birth injuries or been paralysed saving small children from a bomb or something (trying to think of a male equivalent)

Also are you sure you actually want to be with your wife if you're being intimate with someone else? I honestly can't imagine toddling off and having sex with someone else and then coming home to my husband. I think i'd rather die tbh.

You’re a cunt!

Only just read that she's terminally ill, that's really messed up OP. Not just for her, but for you. You'll feel guilty for the rest of your life.

Three choices?
1 end affair and wait until wife dies to resume a sex life
2 maintain affair and absolutely avoid wife finding out and all other family
3 talk to wife, break her heart before she dies

I think 3 is despicable cruel
2 is a major risk
1 is the plan I'd choose but terminal could be years

Life isn't simple. Most people regard meeting a sex drive as important (whether lacking one or unfulfilled) A right to sex doesn't trump a right to die in peace imo

Jesus fucking christ.

You should have got divorced a decade ago. Or longer. Bollocks to 'circumstances' - a sexless marriage unless both parties are 100% happy with this agreement is soul destroying.

And now your wife has a terminal cancer diagnosis your behaviour seems spectacularly callous. Your wife may have many years left (terminal doesn't always mean imminent) and after years of being happy with no sex ar about to go bed-hopping with someone else?!!

Go for it op. I hope your wife finds out and she disinherits you. What a bastard.

The reason you are doing it is justifiable. The adultery Itself isn't. Just tell your wife surely, leave your marriage and do it in the right way. No one would blame you. The deceit is unnecessary and hurtful.

There is a huge amount of evidence to show that when women are diagnosed with a terminal or life altering disease the men in their life suddenly... disappear.
They refuse to be a support or care giver, whatever their marriage vows and whatever their partners have previously done to men.
Ask chemo nurses. It's daughters and sisters and best friends who come along as support, not husbands (not all men, obviously - but this is a well researched trend).
Here comes another one.
Women, make sure place equal or more focus on the women in your life, as well as the men. That's what I take away from this.

Come on now! There's no such thing as "justifiable" adultery! If your situation is unacceptable with your wife, then you end it! Period. If you want someone else, that's OK, but close one door before you open another. Your wife is still your wife and you are married until you aren't. Your wife didn't make you cheat! If you don't want the marriage anymore, then leave. If you weren't having sex and you thought it should be different, then you say you want counseling for your marriage or you're leaving. You don't just cheat and say "well, you wouldn't have sex with me!". Marriage is for better AND for worse - not just for when you feel like it should be a particular way! If you no longer want to abide by the rules of your marriage, then leaving remedies that. You will never solve problems in your marriage by having sex with someone outside of it!

No judgement from me. Living without sex would be a deal breaker for me, and caring for someone with a terminal prognosis is unbelievably tough. I have lived through the latter, but with a very loving DH. If you can manage some enjoyment for yourself, without impacting on your DW, then I don’t think anyone has the right to criticise.