Justifiable adultery

[Spudboy]

Is there such a thing as justifiable adultery? My wife and I have not been intimate for 17 years and I’ve met someone else. We’ve been friends for nearly two years and only recently became intimate.

So she has kind of given you her blessing, however absolutely do not decide now after receiving a terminal cancer diagnosis is the right time to come clean and abandon her and break her heart!!!

17 years of no intimacy, she's told you to look elsewhere for satisfaction, she has a terminal diagnosis and you still love her enough to support her through it. Honestly? I wouldn't get hung up over it.

It might not be "justifiable" but it's sure as hell "understandable".

Your poor wife. I’m not surprised she is becoming reclusive, she is going through so much.

What a shame the thing that seems to be on your mind is where you can get your next shag. I hope she is getting the support she needs whilst you think about fucking someone else.

Keep your guilt to yourself and allow this poor woman to die without that betrayal in her heart.

I do actually think there are circumstances where it is justifiable.

However if I was dying of cancer I’d expect that my husband of decades would stick by me in my time of need rather than run off to bang his mistress behind my back.

You're cheating on your dying wife? Wow you are the lowest of the low. Please don't come here looking for women to #bekind to you over your disgusting behaviour.

There is no such thing. You need to tell your wife that you will continue to support her through her treatment but you are starting a new relationship.

Is this even your first affair? I wouldn’t be surprised if it wasn’t. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that your DW received a terminal diagnosis and then you started having a sexual affair. Why didn’t you end it years ago instead of doing all of this?

I thought the OP might have been a reverse at some point…but when OP mentioned his DW being terminally ill and him fucking another woman at the same time, I knew OP was a man.

I reckon this is a troll, no one could be this much if a twat

If you've been unhappy in your relationship for so many years then you should have left years ago!

How convenient that all of a sudden when she has TERMINAL CANCER you decide that this is the time to sort out your sex life and start shagging someone else. This is sadly way too common behaviour in selfish men.

Fgs wait until after your poor wife dies.

Agreed.

I don't agree with this. Totally understand the sentiment about not hurting someone who is already dealing with a lot. But the most excruciatingly painful aspect of being cheated on (personal experience here) is having your agency taken away from you. She can't consent to a situation if she's being deceived in it. If you steal her right to choose, you steal her dignity and a whole period of her life (the cheating period) when she won't have known what her life really was. It's possible she will find out and I can tell you it's unbearably painful and causes real psychological harm. Whatever you decide about continuing the new relationship or staying with your wife, you have to tell your wife. She deserves the opportunity to exercise some choice in her own life.

No, not justifiable.

If you aren’t happy, you leave BEFORE you start seeing someone else.

You didn’t do that. So suck it up and look after your terminally ill wife and stop being self-pitying.

No.

Separate from your wife, start divorce proceedings, work through the emotional impact of those and then seek a new partner.

Who are you trying to justify it to?

There's doing something shitty, and then there's doing something shitty with spectacularly poor timing which makes it a hundred times worse, and that's what category starting to shag someone else when your wife has terminal cancer falls into.

You keep your mouth shut and your dick in your pants, because if you've managed to for 17 years you can do it for a bit longer.

Not now, not the time.

Jesus. NO!

Yes absolutely, my sis & I found out that my Mum was having ‘an affair’ when I was around 25. They have an arrangement that within their marriage. We were angry at first but 20 years on & that arrangement works for them

I don't think any adultery is justified but if you have not been intimate in 17 years and you are no longer in love, then end the relationship and move on.

Marriage vows literally say in sickness and in health for better for worse.

when you marry someone you’re signing up for it. It might be hard. That doesn’t mean you get to feel sorry for yourself and justify shagging someone else.

Honestly in this situation I think what you are doing is ok. Don’t tell your wife and make sure she does not find out. However if her terminal diagnosis is likely to still be years then I would tell her and start divorce proceedings. In an ideal world you would have done this several years ago before meeting anyone else but real life doesn’t always work out this way

A lot of people clearly haven't read your 'updates'

this thread is now utterly pointless.

if there's any chance this is real, I'd say what you've done is utterly disgusting.

how unwell is your wife?

(terminal just means 'not curable, but could live for many years in otherwise good health)

Do you think she'd want to be told & would rather have your support through her illness than separate? Or do you think she'd just want you to leave?

is the OW just a fling or someone you see your future with?