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Original poster

If you are in mid-life, have you come to this realisation?

71 replies

BansheeofInisherin · 12/07/2023 09:00

That you probably do too much for your family and need to stop. I have been realising this for some time. Many of my friends also in the same place.

I do do a lot for myself as well- I go on regular breaks, to the theatre, cheap local comedy nights, mostly experiences rather than stuff. But I drop all of these if the family needs me. Now I feel it's my time, and am getting increasingly militant about drawing my boundaries.

Not sure if I am making sense. but tell me if this strikes a chord.

OP posts:
OddsOn · 12/07/2023 09:23

No because I have never been like this. I can remember my own sisters describing me as selfish. But the one thing I have in common with men is I have never cared if people think I’m nice, women spend far too much time wanting to appear to be nice.

My friend is getting divorced, her DH left her for a younger woman what a pathetic cliche he is. They went hiking and camping as a couple. Turns out she hated it all along. I love hiking but despise camping, DH loves camping. We have been camping once. He can go by himself or with friends if he wants to, have always said that.

Needingacoffee · 12/07/2023 09:29

Yes. I am 45, but I have always been like that. I am a 'people pleaser' by nature. I will tend to drop anything I am doing, for anyone. Not that I overly do all that much for myself these days. It's definitely a 'boundaries' thing though. I find it hard to say 'no' to family especially.

frootie · 12/07/2023 09:31

OP do you mean your immediate family? Like kids and partner? Or wider family.

I have good boundaries with everyone but probably do too much for DD. But then she will only be little for a while and I want her to enjoy her childhood. Plenty of time for pressure and chores.

squashyhat · 12/07/2023 09:33

I didn't come to the realisation because I didn't need to. Not having children helps.

Original poster
BansheeofInisherin · 12/07/2023 09:36

@squashyhat This post does not apply to you, then.

OP posts:
tukker · 12/07/2023 09:36

I used to be a people pleaser, running around after family, etc. But no more, I moved countries, and now I feel like I don't exist. It seems its up to me to constantly keep in touch with people, so I don't bother...! I'm 45 next year, I feel old 😞.

Original poster
BansheeofInisherin · 12/07/2023 09:54

@frootie I meant immediate family, DC and DH/DP if you have them.

I may not have explained this very well as everyone is confused. Will drink some more coffee.

OP posts:
Cheztwix · 12/07/2023 09:58

Nope, my kids are genuinely my purpose and I love doing things for them. My eldest has additional needs so it’s probably lucky I feel that way. I don’t care if that makes me look sad.

ssd · 12/07/2023 10:00

I know what you mean op. I cant stop myself, it feels second natureConfused

Original poster
BansheeofInisherin · 12/07/2023 10:00

Oh my kids are SO not my purpose😉

OP posts:
cheezncrackers · 12/07/2023 10:03

Yeah, I'm the same, but if I just drop everything it's a disaster. My DH forgets to collect the DC, the laundry piles up and up, the house is a pigsty when I come back and I just can't do it. I don't work, so I have time to myself during term-time and I make the most of it, but the rest of the time I accept that I can't go away overnight or for a few days without a huge amount of organisation and getting my DM to come and stay in the house. I'll be free again one day ....

mindutopia · 12/07/2023 10:03

I think most people in midlife have children who are still young enough that they do need them. I personally have a 5 & 10 year old. So yes, if someone needed something, I would drop most things and do it. I don't mean, if they wanted ice cream from the shop, but I do mean, if they needed a packed lunch for school and didn't have one. Or if one was ill. Or upset. I think that's very normal. For dh, less so, as he is a grown up and can largely sort himself out. I've only dropped everything in emergencies. If your children are old enough to be looking after themselves/adults, then I don't think it's normal that most people drop everything for dc and partner. Certainly, the only people I know who do that tend to not have a whole lot going on or have build their identities around family and nothing else (which, yes, I think is a problem).

Cheztwix · 12/07/2023 10:05

I could definitely do without the cooking and cleaning. I just enjoy the nurturing part. I am ND myself, so that may be part of my feeling as though they are my purpose. I don’t know. I do have other interests but I’m content.

YukoandHiro · 12/07/2023 10:07

cheezncrackers · 12/07/2023 10:03

Yeah, I'm the same, but if I just drop everything it's a disaster. My DH forgets to collect the DC, the laundry piles up and up, the house is a pigsty when I come back and I just can't do it. I don't work, so I have time to myself during term-time and I make the most of it, but the rest of the time I accept that I can't go away overnight or for a few days without a huge amount of organisation and getting my DM to come and stay in the house. I'll be free again one day ....

Wait, what? You have to get your mum to stay if you need to be away for a night because your DH can't handle it?
The problem here really isn't you...

DappledThings · 12/07/2023 10:07

Nope. DH has always been competent and equal in his care for the children and the household. I have weekends away twice a year and other evenings. Childcare, cooking etc has never been solely my responsibility.

Original poster
BansheeofInisherin · 12/07/2023 10:11

My DC are almost grown though one still lives with us because of high student rents. So they are mostly fending for themselves, but occasionally they still ask me stuff, and my immediate response, which I try to curb is " I don't care." ! The other day DD knocked on my door when I was having a bath to ask where something was, and I was like "Wherever whoever put it last". Increasingly cba.

It's the menopause, I think. I may have posted about it before, but I can't remember.

OP posts:
DramatisPersonae · 12/07/2023 10:15

No. I grew up around a craven people-pleaser (my mother) and spent my young adulthood undoing the scripts she'd brought me up with about everyone else being far more important than me, especially male people, and girls and women's jobs essentially coming down to finding a man and then serving him.

I'm 50 with a DH and a young DS, both of whom I adore, and obviously there's a lot a just turned 11 year old still needs. But DH is a fully involved parent, and if I decided to go away for a fortnight tomorrow, the household would still run (DH does all shopping and cooking anyway), and DS would have everything he needs, be dropped and picked up from his summer camps, be fed and looked after and cared for. I go away a fair amount solo, anyway, and no, I don't drop my own activities unless it's an emergency. My separate life, and my work and friendships, are important to me.

Hadjab · 12/07/2023 10:17

BansheeofInisherin · 12/07/2023 10:11

My DC are almost grown though one still lives with us because of high student rents. So they are mostly fending for themselves, but occasionally they still ask me stuff, and my immediate response, which I try to curb is " I don't care." ! The other day DD knocked on my door when I was having a bath to ask where something was, and I was like "Wherever whoever put it last". Increasingly cba.

It's the menopause, I think. I may have posted about it before, but I can't remember.

That's been my stock response for about thirty years - less about 'not caring', but more about making them realise that I'm not the Magic Tidying Fairy, and if you want to find stuff, then put it back where you got it from.

Original poster
BansheeofInisherin · 12/07/2023 10:21

Another example to make myself clearer: DH added me to a WhatsApp group with his sister and brother, both of whom live far away, so we could all stay in touch. After a while, I got super irritated by all the inane jokes and forwards and family gossip which had no relevance to me, so I left.

Dh was a bit peeved because he thought I could just stay a member and not post. But increasingly I feel the need to draw boundaries and protect headspace, even if they are trivial ones. Too much social media does my head in these days.

OP posts:
Cheztwix · 12/07/2023 10:21

DramatisPersonae · 12/07/2023 10:15

No. I grew up around a craven people-pleaser (my mother) and spent my young adulthood undoing the scripts she'd brought me up with about everyone else being far more important than me, especially male people, and girls and women's jobs essentially coming down to finding a man and then serving him.

I'm 50 with a DH and a young DS, both of whom I adore, and obviously there's a lot a just turned 11 year old still needs. But DH is a fully involved parent, and if I decided to go away for a fortnight tomorrow, the household would still run (DH does all shopping and cooking anyway), and DS would have everything he needs, be dropped and picked up from his summer camps, be fed and looked after and cared for. I go away a fair amount solo, anyway, and no, I don't drop my own activities unless it's an emergency. My separate life, and my work and friendships, are important to me.

This is interesting. My mother is a narcissist so that’s probably why I’m a nurturer. Not suggesting you are wrong for doing your own thing by the way.

Irequireausername · 12/07/2023 10:26

I also enjoy going the extra mile for my family. Both DH and I will do anything for our kids.

I'm not a people pleaser but I genuinely enjoy helping. Obviously unless you're my family, i'll stop helping if you're ungrateful. 😂

DancingBarefootTonight · 12/07/2023 10:26

Not with my kids and partner, but I came to the realisation with some extended family many years ago. They’re unpleasant so I stopped making effort as they brought nothing good to my life.

My kids and partner are lovely though, they don’t take the piss and we’re happy to do things for each other. One of my kids is an adult now and I love that he’ll ask my advice on things. He values my opinion as I do his.

I’m ‘only’ early 40s so menopause has not hit hard yet though. 😅

Original poster
BansheeofInisherin · 12/07/2023 10:27

I don't want to help anyone any more. I want everyone to fuss over me! ( fat chance).

OP posts:
Irequireausername · 12/07/2023 10:29

BansheeofInisherin · 12/07/2023 10:11

My DC are almost grown though one still lives with us because of high student rents. So they are mostly fending for themselves, but occasionally they still ask me stuff, and my immediate response, which I try to curb is " I don't care." ! The other day DD knocked on my door when I was having a bath to ask where something was, and I was like "Wherever whoever put it last". Increasingly cba.

It's the menopause, I think. I may have posted about it before, but I can't remember.

Oh no i didn't mean i'd enjoy that. I meant like doing up their houses, childcare, school runs, things like that.

Not annoying things like finding lost items.

DramatisPersonae · 12/07/2023 10:29

Cheztwix · 12/07/2023 10:21

This is interesting. My mother is a narcissist so that’s probably why I’m a nurturer. Not suggesting you are wrong for doing your own thing by the way.

Show quote history

Yes, I think we're still affected by childhood scripts, even if we're consciously rejecting of them.