If you are in mid-life, have you come to this realisation?

[BansheeofInisherin]

That you probably do too much for your family and need to stop. I have been realising this for some time. Many of my friends also in the same place.

I do do a lot for myself as well- I go on regular breaks, to the theatre, cheap local comedy nights, mostly experiences rather than stuff. But I drop all of these if the family needs me. Now I feel it's my time, and am getting increasingly militant about drawing my boundaries.

Not sure if I am making sense. but tell me if this strikes a chord.

Yes<, I absolutely feel like this. My DC are all young adults living at home and I realise I have totally overdone it to the point where it is now very difficult to stop. I am trying really hard to set firm boundaries for myself and remind myself this is my doing. DH included as I was a SAHM for the longest time.

On a more serious note, and genuinely not meaning to be patronising, have you seen your GP? Feeling like you can’t be bothered could be depression, maybe due to menopause possibly? Keep an eye on it.

Have you considered what the likely effect would have been on your DD because of your snippy response to her question while you were in the bathroom?
It could be a menopausal mood swing, although I found once my periods stopped I was on a much more even keel. PMT is but a distant memory.
Consider the impact on your nearest and dearest. Do you really want to be pushing them away?

Caring and sacrifice can be very rewarding, they maintain society and community, they can also be drudge work. Do the things for yourself and others that you think are necessary, valuable and valued. Live and connect.

No, I think I deserve my bath time and she is a young adult, who can find her own stuff. As I said, I cba about likely effect any more after 21+ years of parenting. I think everyone should think about me for a change.😀

Have a 'well woman' blood test check at the GP's to rule out underlying issues. Lots of symptoms are 'normal' during menopause.

No because I don’t have kids and DP washes his own clothes and does half at home. My nutty mother asks for too much but I’ve put better boundaries in there, could do better.

Well you could sit her down and say sorry if I was a bit snappy the other day when I was in the bath but I would prefer it if you didn't disturb me unless in an emergency when I am trying to have some 'me time'. That sets a boundary for the future but doesn't make her feel as rejected.

I have just started HRT, but hasn't made a difference yet. I have to say so many of my friends with older DC are in the same "cba" boat. In some ways, it's a good thing. One of my friends has never gone away on her own because her husband won't "allow" it. She has finally found the courage to tell him to sod off, and booked a trip away.

We have a saying in my family when someone asks someone else for something: 'well I would but I have just this second sat down'.

Why not just mute the group?

I'm not a people pleaser really but that's what I would have done. Don't see the point in pissing people off for the sake of it.

I've bought my kids up to be independent and the 2 adults rarely ask things of me. When they do however they absolutely come first as I know it's important.

Trying to do the same with the small one but his father indulges him so it's not going so well 🤔

My DH...I have a good balance with and we put each other/ourselves first as needed

At 21 she shouldn’t need to be sat down to be told this.

op I get you I am a real people pleaser and also grew up with a lot of ‘fear ,obligation and guilt’ I can’t bear to let people down , be late or not help but I am exhausted and frankly don’t get the same consideration in return from anyone so am really trying to be more boundaried and leave people to fend for themselves a bit more.

I'm not in peri yet I don't think so dread to think what I will be like when I am!

I know, it's extraordinary, isn't it @YukoandHiro? I can go out for the evening and I can be away for one night, but I need to be back the next day, otherwise he can't cope. If I died or just left, he wouldn't be able to cope at all - he'd have to hire a nanny. He could NEVER be a single dad. No way. He's a great provider financially - he's a workaholic in fact - but when it comes to dealing with our DC he's never been able to do it.

I went away with my DSis for 3 nights in 2018. Our DC were 10 and 7 at the time. As soon as I arrived at the destination (abroad) he called me in a complete flap because DS2 wasn't feeling well. He was in a TOTAL panic, with no idea what to do. Thank goodness my DM walked in the door while we were on the phone and took over, because if I hadn't arranged for her to go and 'be me' while I was away, god knows what would've happened. DS2 only felt ill because he was so anxious about me being away and his DF being so useless. The home sphere is all on me, 100% of the time. But then financially providing for our family is all on him, because I can't get a job that would allow me to be 100% on call at home. No boss would accept that.

No. Not for anyone , only for my children. I have very strong requirements towards a man and therefore do not just go with any man and even try to please him on top of that. LOL. Friends. I do not believe there are genuine friends really in life. I had many good and some amazing friends. Time and life showed me their flaws also.

I have just started HRT, but hasn't made a difference yet. I have to say so many of my friends with older DC are in the same "cba" boat. In some ways, it's a good thing. One of my friends has never gone away on her own because her husband won't "allow" it. She has finally found the courage to tell him to sod off, and booked a trip away.

Obviously a good thing in that situation. She should just leave him altogether though if he’s controlling imo.

In a healthy relationship though and with kids who are respectful, I don’t think a feeling or attitude of ‘can’t be arsed’ is healthy or normal.

So if your family are good people, I’d be trying to find out if there was a medical cause, physical or mental. If it’s their unreasonable behaviour which is making you feel this way, I’d be asking them to change. It’s not a nice way to live, feeling like you can’t be bothered with those you love I wouldn’t imagine, for you or them, and could cause issues with those relationships. I’d want to stop feeling that way.

I don't really feel that way. My life revolved around caring for my kids and DH when the children were you get and I was a SAHM, but I feel that that was the appropriate amount to give at the time, and I don't regret the amount that I did then. We are in different phases of life now, so things have changed in that dynamic. DH and the children do more around the house, including the mental load stuff. I use that extra time for things that more directly benefit me, whether that's hobbies, work, time with friends or household tasks that I enjoy. I'll be sad when my children leave home, but by the time that happens, I hope that we'll all be confident and independent and ready for that stage of life, too.

I am so moving towards this CBA as my default...problem is my DC are approaching teenage so I know I'm going to have to bear with it for a few more years and try not to be too snappy about their neediness. Definitely related to either menopause (I'm late 40's) or pre-teen attitude.

I was just observing to a friend the other day that my family seems to think I'm bloody Siri. Have we got any...? Where's the ...? I'll need a lift/tenner... What's for dinner... What's going on in France? What's an interest rate rise?

It's important to start standing back and also to make them realise I have feelings too. We've been through the exam period so I've been letting more go because they've been stressed etc. Time to start pushing back a bit.

@BansheeofInisherin I'm late 40s, DCs are late teens, DH early 50s. I used to be a problem-solver/sorter/doer/organiser for all of us when I was the predominant carer for DCs when they were little and DH was working FT.
Now we're both working FT, DCs are older and I've stopped doing as much for x 4 of us - thankfully they've all stepped up/in and we've found a different groove which feels balanced.
For us, the ebb and flow of family life changed and we changed with it.

I do nothing for Dh at all. Emergencies excepted. He’s an adult. He does his own laundry and cooking. I’m really trying to limit what I do for adult dd, it’s more emotional support I guess. I’ve been making her do her own cooking for ages but now she has scurvy. It’s stressful at times

It's exactly that: I am tired of being Siri and problem solver. I am pushing back now. Trying to say " Well, what do you think you should do/where do you think you should look/ why do you think I know that?"

I cook a lot less too. Only if I want to. I work fewer hours than Dh, so it was always my job to get a hot dinner on the table, but increasingly I feel that adults can cook for themselves. Or live off junk, if they choose to. ( they do).

I'm really trying to pull away now from doing things for my family but they keep relying on me so it's hard. I told my 10 Yr old only yesterday that you do not get to be that special person who does not get to clean up after themselves, no one gets that privilege. They would all have me like their cinderella if i let them. My 15yr old is the laziest so I am constantly telling him no thats your job not mine. I've just about trained DH in but only cos I have to constantly have chats about it, if I didn't assert myself he would totally take the piss too. I resent that I have to fight so hard to just be treated with some respect.

I really think it's the menopause too = as that pesky oestrogen drops the scales drop from our eyes and we think....hang on a minute? Why am I the one doing all this....?