If you are in mid-life, have you come to this realisation?

[BansheeofInisherin]

That you probably do too much for your family and need to stop. I have been realising this for some time. Many of my friends also in the same place.

I do do a lot for myself as well- I go on regular breaks, to the theatre, cheap local comedy nights, mostly experiences rather than stuff. But I drop all of these if the family needs me. Now I feel it's my time, and am getting increasingly militant about drawing my boundaries.

Not sure if I am making sense. but tell me if this strikes a chord.

I'm a lone parent, so carry the 'mental load' a lot - whether I like it or not.

I hope I've developed a way of caring in practical ways that is also self care. At least I hope so - i.e. tidying up/cleaning becomes something for me as well as I like to live in a well ordered place.

I have a dishwasher and a robotvac. DD finally got the hang of using it, not least since she has got a job in a cafe where she is required to, as part of her job.

All kinds of boundaries shifting again now though it is a dynamic process as DD going to uni in October. She has a lot of life skills and is acquiring more fast

I guess what differentiates me from some people I know - is that in marriages I can see women caring for their elderly husbands - ideally I guess that would be caring for each other....

I manage by myself and have no interest in living with a man ever again probably. Been there, done that.

As we get older, some people don't really think about creating circumstances for themselves where they can keep their independence as long as possible. Yes, a lot depends on finances and paying for help if you need it.

How often though do you still here older people saying that their partner did x y and said and since they passed away they had to learn how to do it. I don't ever want to be in that space.

Sorry that may have appeared to be slightly off topic.
Like another PP in past years I have been called 'selfish' by extended family member.

I pointed out that since I generally put someone else first, especially DD when she was younger, that that is not selfish.

I know as a lone parent I have limited resources, energy, time and strength for everyday living so guess I have learned to be careful with it. Still a journey though.

Not with my dh and children although the adult children have more boundaries than they did as we wanted them to be independent and self sufficient but we always help them if needed with big issues- little things I don't get involved in like lifts to airports etc.

Dd at school we support fully and do what we can to help her succeed and be independent.
She get's awesome grades and has a part time job so pulls her weight but we are there when needed.

I don't think helping our children makes them less independent as adults as long as they are appreciative and respectful of what we have done for them and vice versa-everyone has always mucked in together in our house and still do when all together,it was never left just to me as I'd have not wanted a family/ marriage in those terms.

Wider family we have pulled right back from as we realised we were doing all the hosting etc so we can't be bothered now and dh and I do things we want.
We both have hobbies individually and things we do together but have always been like that.
He's perfectly capable and always has been as he's an adult and we help each other with everything that needs doing so no real changes have been needed as the children became adults.

I do a lot for my family but I also make sure everyone does chores too.
I love my dh and dc but I'm not their skivvy. They know I have my own life too.

I have realises if I want to do it I need to arrange it so I do it

I've lost sight so much of what I want to do I don't know where to begin. I'm really trying to reconnect with myself.

I'm 52 and have def noticed of late that I just can't be arsed constantly running round after DH and our now adult DC. I don't want the grandchildren to stay every weekend. I want to do what I want to do. And after 30 years of raising kids, I don't think it's unreasonable.

I'm pretty sure it's hormone related. As if the "nurture" gene has well and truly left the building.

I agree with this.

I have never been a people pleaser, or particularly nurturing. I'm nearly 50 now, and the DSes are primary and secondary age respectively, and I do less for them than any parents I know. I mean, I still take them to activities and do stuff related to their emotional and physical health and well-being, but for example DS1 makes his own packed lunches for school, makes dinner once a week and brings me coffee in the mornings. My absolute default response to "Where is X?" is "No idea" 🤷‍♀️.

But...this is for their own good. The struggles to get them to do their chores and be responsible for themselves is truly epic sometimes, and it would definitely be easier to do it all myself, but I'm fucked if I'm going to release another couple of entitled man babies into the world. That's also why I put such an emphasis on them doing little acts of service for me, as well- I'm fucked if I'm going to let them see me as some kind of martyred domestic appliance. I have needs, too- as will all the women in their lives in the future.

@cheezncrackers wow.

But if you died, @cheezncrackers, he'd have to. It sounds as if he's never had to cope, largely because he's playing the strategic incompetence card like crazy, and you step in every time to rescue him. As you say, no work manager would countenance this for a second -- he'd be fired for incompetence. Why do you allow it to continue, and deprive you of the chance to work? You don't have to be call 100% of the time. Isn't it shocking to you that your young child was ill with anxiety that his own father was looking after him? It shocks me that you bring in your mother to act as 'you' in your brief absences, because your children's own father can't look after them.

Me too. We can but dream.

No 21 year old will be irreparably damaged by their mother telling them to locate their own lost property!

And it doesn't mean there's something wrong with the OP because she's fed up of doing other people's thinking for them!

I adore my kids - 3 adults and one teen, but it's knackering being the person they lean on to manage their lives. I'm fed up of thinking about degrees and career options and housing and what they should each do about any given situation. Fair enough for my teenager but I did kind of expect to not be dealing with all the other stuff for people on their 20s!

Have a look at this similar thread in AIBU op:

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4836097-is-it-normal-to-have-had-enough-of-parenting-kids-18?reply=127561600

@BansheeofInisherin

Out of interest what was your DD looking for? Maybe I'm not there yet as my kiddies are little but trying to understand the thinking.

Was it something like 'where are my red shoes' in which case, yes why would you know this.

Or something like 'where are the car keys', where perhaps you could have been the last person to have them and could help?

If you have just said, 'no sorry', would that not have been an acceptable answer to them? Or is it that they interrupted your private time?

I wish I could take your approach OP. I'm very tired of giving a fuck.

@Festoonedflurryfairy yes, that sums up my state of mind.

@Crimblecrumble1990 she was looking for a uni document which it was her responsibility to put aside. But tbh, I think you have to have many years of parenting and wifing behind you to understand complete mental overload. I wouldnt have understood this a few years ago. But life these days has become very complicated with uni strikes and costs and housing and this and that....

I was just driving home in the car thinking about this very subject .I was such a caring person, nurse ,mother ,wife ,daughter .Im 57 years old now and facing looking after aging parents but I have nothing left to give .I don't think i have a caring bone left in my body. I just want to be left alone.

This .

I feel like a shell if the person I should be. When I had children I really didn’t expect to still be supporting them so much at this stage.

That sounds very hard schnubbins but I totally here you.

It’s, generally speaking, so different for men I think.

Yep OP, I entirely agree.

I have finally stopped doing stuff in the last 2 years.

Everyone now.does their own washing and ironing. They all make their own lunch. I make the evening meal, and do all the housework, yard work.

As a pp said, I really can't be arsed. It's part of being a people pleaser, but the people who I want to please now are my elderly parents.

I'm well into menopause, so it's not that 😎