My sons social worker.

[271726a]

So due to DS who is 16 violence and aggressive/controlling behaviour. I had to kick him out of my house. My younger 3 children have been badly effected by him and so have I. Social services do agree its domestic violence. At the moment we are at the start of Social services where they are doing assessments. Ds is at his sisters house at present.

The social worker who's doing the assessment is very unapproachable, she does not listen. Or really understand the situation. She talks over you and does not let people finsh what they are saying , there for shes not actually gettimg the full situation. My son, my adult daughter, both Said the same. Because of this we asked for her mangers information. We know we have a right to this without being over questioned about it. Anyway she asked me why and I just said I think there has been some mis communication and our situation is not being fully understood. She became very defensive and started making threats to speak to her manager before I do as I'm clearly making things difficult. So I still did not gey the mangers information. By the point I myself had asked 5 times, via email , message and verbally . Both my son and daughter had done the same. In the end my daughter said we will get it another way then.

Anyway I did manage to speak to her manager in the end . I told her that all 3 of us don't feel listend to or understood. I told her how the social worker made me feel intimidated in my own home . To the point I told her if she carries on she will have to leave my house. Which I have never had to do and I don't like the fact I felt that way. I said she's only half listening to things which means she's only getting half the story.

I told the manger If I ask a question. Or an idea, request etc she just starts ranting , it does not work that way bla bla, without no actual explaining or exploring, I can't understand unless she explains it. Instead she's just ranting.

I also told her as much as I don't mind her touching base with my younger children. Ie contact the schools, and talk to them. Buy she's not going to take over our lives and start giving me lists of what we most do etc.

So went through everything with the manger she apologised, and we ended up on the same page . And she's going to speak to the social worker.

But also the manger said this social worker is just doing the assessment. She said its likely my son will go on child in need plan. Then we will be given a new longer term social worker. Which will take a couple of weeks or so. So I'm thinking we should just keep her at arms length and then the new social worker will probably get to know us and the situation better.

Oh just a thought. Could the social worker not being getting half of what we say /nkt fully understand because she's typing as we talk?

It sounds like your priority is to keep yourself and your other children safe which is understandable.

Is it possible to just say you won't have him back so that can be taken off the table. They can then assess that your home is a safe and nurturing place for your other children and after that you should not need any further contact with you.

Op, guessing you are a single parent? Just wondering what the situation is between your son and his father. Whether they have a relationship, and whether he witnessed any behaviour from his father which has impacted his own behaviour?

It's funny you say that . When me, my son and daughter. Messaged her and emailed her several times asking for her mangers details. She kept ignoring us . But she was happy to call us on the phone get defensive and over question us about why we wanted the mangers details. Yet she would not put it in writing .

I did say to the manger I should have been able to talk to the social worker about this. But as she is not actually listening and talking over us I cant do that.

Manager said its likely to go to child in need . And at that point there will be a change in social worker anyway.

Initially it was not even a complaint it was just we wanted to be heard .

Is it possible for you to record any conversations with the SW, with their full knowledge of course ? Then everything you say is on record for you to check against the SW written record.
I hope your daughter is OK and hasn’t bitten off more than she can cope with.
Wishing you well, I hope your son gets the help he needs.

That was my initial thoughts I had made it clear he can't come home. Because I can't take it anymore and neither can my other kids.

But the manager kept going on at me that I have parental responsibility abd I can't just stop being is parent it does not work like that. She was saying thryvhave to work with us to keep my son at home because that's where he should be

We had a similar very poor experience with a social worker, I pur all my complaints in email to the manager and higher ups, they initially took no notice of my complaints so I kept at it and we finally managed to get rud of her when she actually didn't even bother to turn up to a case meeting (but her manager did and was left to deal with it all alone) we pointed out this was our experience all along and the very reason we had enough along with having to keep explaining things over and over as she just didn't pay attention. The new Social Worker is tons better and someone who actually communicates with us.

They will want to work with you to see if him returning home is possible - they're right you can't just stop exercising parental responsibility.

Hopefully your conversation with the SW's manager will have helped and going forward you can engage in the assessment process fully and then start working towards an outcome, whatever that may be.

I don't think the op is to blame she could have been a lot firmer but not all parents have it in them. There is one thing I have noticed the op has not mentioned his dad so that could be a reason why he lashes out because his father is not around and I will reiterate it's not the op's fault.

I get what your saying sort of. Yes they are looking at the whole family . But not to see if I'm a shit parent. This has already been spoken about with the manger.

What can happen with some people is they won't take anyone else's word for anything and they won't read the file. So you can get a situation where everyone you meet is (un)officially assessing you from scratch.

They are not looking into him going into some sort of young person living scheme. Which is originally what we asked for . But want to support him to be at home

You can still refuse to have him home if that's what you think is best. This will piss off SS because it means they have to fund some other living situation for him and they don't want to. Be aware that sometimes when perpetrators of DV are prevented/convinced to not use violence they switch to some other form of DA instead such as emotional abuse. The perpetrators DA course isn't necessarily going to solve the problem.

If the system is that this SW does assessment and then another is assigned later, that means this SW is effectively the gatekeeper to services. Some gatekeepers are akin to vicious guard dogs. Some will lie and manipulate and do everything in their power to avoid providing help. Sometimes what they do, or refuse to do, is illegal. The manager may or may not be on your side. She may just be pacifying you until the assessment is completed possibly badly and you've been judged as not qualifying for any help possibly wrongly.

To those who have never experienced adolescent to parent abuse, often it is not down to the parenting but could be outside influences such as cse or CCe. Generic children's social workers often do not have the experience or specialised training to properly assess or understand. Usually they are use to dealing with abusive parents or those who have poor parenting skills. Research shows that any parent from any social class can experience this and often the other children have not had any issues. Due to the outside influences or mental health makes these children difficult to parent. Please do not victim blame as it is a difficult situation having to deal with and unless you have experienced it you don't have a clue.

It's funny you say that . When me, my son and daughter. Messaged her and emailed her several times asking for her mangers details. She kept ignoring us . But she was happy to call us on the phone get defensive and over question us about why we wanted the mangers details. Yet she would not put it in writing

She was blocking you from raising a complaint. Which is illegal (the blocking, not the complaint)

My son has already bed doing the emotional and mental abuse , mind games etc . This has Bern going on a long time. But they are acting like it's a few weeks.

They keep telling me I'm wrong about section 20. I know I'm not it even says my son can put himself into section 20. I'm just going to keep them at arms length and when child in Need is rolling we will talk about it then to the new social worker.

The madness is if it was a partner doing this DV they would be on me like a ton 0f bricks. But it's OK for my younger children to suffer.

Only person talking any sense is my daughters social worker.

Sadly also victims of domestic abuse in marriages and partnerships are failed, throw in neurodiversity and children and it's very difficult. The system needs a change for this changing world and more diagnosis happening for better support systems in schools and in General.

Thank you for this . Domestic violence from child to parent is not often spoken about and it should be. I think its so misunderstood that the parent is automatically blamed. Even professionals don't have much understanding.

That was my initial thoughts I had made it clear he can't come home. Because I can't take it anymore and neither can my other kids.

But the manager kept going on at me that I have parental responsibility abd I can't just stop being is parent it does not work like that. She was saying they have to work with us to keep my son at home because that's where he should be

But what can they actually do if you refuse to have him?

I imagine it's very unlikely that they will do anything other than try to house him somewhere else.

If she really feels she's doing nothing wrong. Why would she do that . We would get the details eventually anyway.

She was also saying how he would be vulnerable in care abd he could be exploited. When I spoke about his aggression and violence she said he would be very hard to place because of that .

DS has also said he does not feel he can be at home . Even when he came over the other day he said he just felt really angry and felt like he wanted to hit DD .

I think there is no point trying to talk about it until we get the new social worker.

So much ignorance here and so much victim blaming in the whole thread. I have two children who are adopted and they both have social workers, mainly because my elder child, a teen, who has multiple disabilities, is violent, aggressive and verbally abusive and my younger child is deemed to be living in a domestic abuse situation. There’s nothing less than ideal about our home environment (well, apart from the teen, but SS are in no hurry to remove her) or my parenting (I have been scrutinised by approximately eleventy billion social workers/outreach workers/schools/nurseries etc.

Truly, some children, particularly in their teens, are off the scale in their behaviours. Obviously, all behaviour is communication, so the OP’s DS is traumatised about something. Nonetheless, it is soul-destroying to have to endure living with a violent child; it is domestic abuse. How many LTB posts would there have been if an adult partner had thrown a bottle of hand soap at the OP?

She was also saying how he would be vulnerable in care and he could be exploited. When I spoke about his aggression and violence she said he would be very hard to place because of that .

It's clear that SS priority is to return him to you and your priority is to not have him returned so you are both working towards different goals. This is why there is conflict.

I agree in doing nothing until new social worker assigned and then be clear that as he is not coming back to you, they need to work on how he can be supported outside of your home.

Once you are all clear on the end goal, you can more easily work towards it together.

I'm all honesty I would love him to be home. The last thing I want is for him to be in care . But my kids are scared of him. My daughter is scared to be in the living room when he's here. She can't be in the house alone with him. When he kicks of my younger ones hug on the sofa because they are scared . It can't go on like that.

My son is under the disability team not child protection but after four years of agency socail workers I have concluded they don't give a fuck about us or the job. I try to a old her and if I'm on the edge of a breakdown I avoid her even more. She isn't diligent so she hasn't seen me, ds or the house all year. She has never met or talked to my oldest two kids.

Without being outing I won thousands complaining about the last shower of shit that pointlessly came in our lives.

If I started a brothel in ds bedroom she wouldn't notice. Just tells me what fantastic job I do even when we be on our knees and very obviously not coping. They do more harm than job. A few indifferent professionals are a very dangerous thing because the school know we have a SW so presume we are well supported and being monitored. We're not. It's convenient bullshit. Right now that suits me too as I not coping

I'm so sorry for what your going through . And not getting the support you should be. It seems the system is broken and gos from one extreme to the other . I hope yoir OK as much as you can be . 💐

Don't agree to anything that doesn't suit your own needs OP, it may be too late to change it later, unless you go down the road of kicking him out again perhaps. Don't assume DS can be reassessed just because you/he wants it to happen.

The SW and manager are there for DS. They'll do first what's best for DS, second what's best for themselves, your needs won't come into it at all. The only person looking out for you here, is you. Don't expect them to accurately tell you what your rights are or the law surrounding your rights. They've already lied to you several times. They're actively gaslighting you, from what I can see of your posts here .

DD SW is talking sense because (s)he is looking out for DD and doesn't work for the same SS department as the others, so has nothing to lose by going against them.

Ask yourself what happens to the fathers up and down the country who refuse parental responsibility, even those with no good reason to? Absolutely nothing, that's what. You're not a useless father. You have good reason. Don't be told by people without your best interests at heart, what you can and can't do. Decide for yourself.

Sorry for asking this I didn't read your last thread where is his dad?

Ok I get thry don't give a shit about me. But what about my younger kids that are witnessing it.

Adult dd social Worker is in a different department but under the same council She's actually told us a section20 for DS might be a good idea. Possibly because she knows us well. But the ones doing the assessment do not know us at all .

Also the social worker kept saying he will have to live with other family members. She was very firm . But the fact there are no other family members. Went over her head.