DH's funeral tomorrow..

[ShortHairedGeneral]

How on earth do I survive it?

So sorry for your loss. I lost my partner of 20 years 3 years ago, during Covid time.
For that reason, the number at the funeral was limited and there was nothing afterwards.
I was asked to get up and say some words - that was very hard. I hadn’t prepared.
The service was tastefully done and the scattering of the ashes afterwards (not allowed to keep them where I live).
It wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be and it brought a lot of calm to me.
Good luck and hope to see an update from you. 🤗

I’m sorry for your loss ❤️ I don’t know what you’re going through but when I wasn’t sure how to get through a funeral, my SIL gave me some mindfulness advice along the lines of ‘slow everything down, listen to your footsteps as you walk and the noises around you’. I drew on the ‘strength’ people said they were sending me. When I felt myself getting sucked under, I focused on eg the noise of the car engine or the feel of my cardigan and it took me away from the pain. I even managed to read a poem I’d written - to this day I’ll never really understand how. Sending you strength xxx

Take the day in 15 minute chunks. Focus on getting through 15 mins at a time. Don't think past the next 15 mins - let everyone else around you think longer term for you.

In time, you'll be able to move to 30 minute chunks. Then an hour. Then two.

It's the only way I managed when we lost DD. On hard days, I still fall back on this method.

Hope it goes as well as it can x

My DH's funeral was last month.

You drag yourself through it, finding the strength from somewhere.

It went quickly, and, to be honest, I found the following day worse. It's final then.

Its an awful time, and it's a case of one day at a time. Condolences for your loss. 💐

You get through it however you can.

Don't worry about anyone else, just take it step by step. However you feel is what's right for you.

I wish you the strength you need.

Do what pleases you or you can cope with not what's expected

So sorry for what you are going through in your loss. Take care of yourself tomorrow, and let others do the same for you. Thinking of you now and tomorrow.

So sorry for your loss 💐

Minute by minute. Just focus on getting through the next one, and then the one after that etc.

And don't be afraid to be selfish. If you want to go hide in the toilet for half an hour, do it. If you're not up for standing at the exit and doing the whole "Thank you for coming" to a line of people leaving the service, skip it.

Funerals have always slightly bemused me. The fact that you're basically expected to host a miserable "party" when all you want to do is crawl into a hole is bizarre.

Take what you need from the day, let everyone else sort themselves out.

I’m so sorry for your loss. When my father died in very sudden tragic circumstances In his 50s I felt sick and dread at the thought of his funeral but kept telling myself that it will absolutely not be as bad as the day he died. You have lived the worst day. Just try to take it one hour at a time. On a practical note could your GP provide you with diazepam. Just to take the edge off ? I took this. I felt just a bit dulled rather than hysterical

So sorry OP. That is unbearably hard.
I have not lost a husband but I have lost parents.
You think you won't get through the day at all - but you do. Somehow the day itself, for me, was better than the days before and the days after.
There's so much structure to the day and so much going on. You have your family around you and they hold you up. You move from one stage of the day to the next. If there's a wake then there are lots of people there and a lot going on. You can disappear somewhere if it gets really bad. But I found that the wake wasn't that bad as there were so many people there to talk to.
For me, it was the days afterwards that were the worst. Everyone who'd been around helping after the deaths and who had travelled a long way for the funeral went home and then there was stillness and that was hard.

BUT everyone is different, so maybe your day won't be like that. You will get through it though, somehow, just like you've got through everything so far leading up to this point. I will be thinking of you

I’m so sorry.

I got through my mums funeral by going into "hostess" mode. It was a surreal day, I didn't feel sad really during the service or wake, but I crashed when I got home. Make sure you have someone with you if you would like and easy and comfy food ready to go.

I'm really sorry for your loss, sending hugs and strength.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I don't have anything helpful to say and I can't imagine what you might be going through but wanted to send huge hugs. Be kind to yourself!!

Not the same but when I was younger I lost my mum. My top tip was to screw all social rules. Have some support and don’t worry about greeting or talking to anyone if you’re not up for it. Find someone else that can take the baton with those.

It will be tough, but you'll get through it ❤

For me, it helped that I did the eulogy, as it set the tone for the service and the rest of the day. I really wanted it to be a celebration of his life.

The hardest part was the days following. It's a cliche, but time really does make a difference. It's been five years, it isn't any easier knowing he's gone, but it is easier to live with the acceptance.

Very sorry for your loss.

Family will be there, as you say.
It may help to understand that everyone grieves a loss differently, and if you need some quiet time in the middle of the night to speak to someone who is not family - Samaritans are available on 116 124

Perhaps going out for a walk by yourself you could phone them during the daytime also.

Just do what you have to do to get yourself through. Let those around you support you and take on any tasks that seem daunting - greeting etc.

Some people fall apart, some are distracted by the day and crash later or don't know how they actually got through , there is no right way. xx

Two and a half years since I lost my wife. I don't have much advice, because it's shit and there is nothing you can do to change that. However, I would say this: don't worry about anyone else (other than children, if you have them). Look after yourself as best you can. Do whatever makes things less difficult for you - everyone else will fall in and no-one will judge you.

Just get through it and let time take its course.

I'm so sorry for your loss

I have been there, it is the hardest of things but for me, the run up was worse than the funeral itself. Lean on your loved ones. Much support to you

you will get through it - the worst day has already happened.
my husband was fifty, fit and at work and never came home.
hopefullylike I was you will be surrounded by love - I felt close to him on that day as it triggered so many memories. Wishing you good strength and love.
there is no right answer …..be prepared for when the funeral is over and everyone has left - that’s when it hit me most xxxx

Oh OP, I'm so sorry for your loss I can't imagine how you are feeling. You get through it one breath at a time and by keeping no expectations on yourself. You just have to show up, and let the time pass one breath at a time.

I am so sorry, OP, but I too believe the worst has happened.

Lean into your support and follow your instincts. Losing my beloved baby brother, whom I helped to bring up, suddenly last year was similar and I dreaded his funeral. But it wasn’t as bad as I feared. Meeting friends he made in adulthood who travelled to honour him and listening to the wonderful tributes and lovely music was cathartic. So was the support.

No one will care if you cry and people will be glad for a chance to support you. Grief is the price we pay for love.

I lost my dh last year when I was 45. I did a direct cremation instead.

I couldn’t sit through a funeral and he couldn’t have attended one for me either.

I don’t regret it.

@ShortHairedGeneral No advice, as obviously it's going to be incredibly tough.
I'm so sorry for your loss- Just try to 'Surf' the waves of emotion- I see grief as a perpetually roiling Sea, the peaks and troughs come and go- flowing with the grief was easier than trying to squash it down.

It's probably the toughest thing any of us have to face, the loss of a loved partner or family member.

You will be ok~because there is no other option.

Your family will rally round, I'm sure.

One book I found helpful is ''You'll get over it'' by Virginia Ironside.

{The title made me cross, but that's the whole point}..Virginia said people trot out flip comments, her book helped me realise that my feelings were 'Normal'- grief can be an isolating experience.

Go with the flow and be easy on yourself.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Youll-Get-Over-Rage-Bereavement/dp/0140236082/ref=sr_1_1?crid=3LH7O858B8W13&keywords=virginia+ironside+you%27ll+get+over+it&qid=1688643974&sprefix=virginia+ironside+youll+get+over+it%2Caps%2C94&sr=8-1