How can a child have so little time to just play?

[Whatsun]

We are always rushing ever since she has joined school. Rushing to school, then after school we rush through dinner and then rush to go to bed. We are always late for this or that.

She does get an hour or two (depending on my work) on most weekend days before dinner but by the time she has wound down a bit (doing nothing) and set up her play it's time for dinner. I feel she regularly needs a block of a few hours to just play whatever she wants. She doesn't get that. Doesn't help that she is quite slow and dreamy in everything so going to the toilet even for a wee can take ten minutes, removing her shoes and washing her hands another ten minutes, etc, dinner (or lunch) takes up to an hour (these days we've brought it down to 45min). I tell myself that when she's day dreaming that is also her kind of play but then I (and her) feel bad that she doesn't actually get to play or craft anything concrete. She spends so long dreaming up ideas for playing or crafting but doesn't get time to implement them or finish them.

The weekends aren't much better. And I'm quite keen that we go out for fresh air and sun on the weekends but that again means she doesn't get time for unstructured unlimited play at home. I keep telling her when it's time for dinner or bed that she can finish it tomorrow but I know that on the next day she won't have much more time either.

I just don't know what to do about it. I could cancel all her clubs but I can't pick her up much earlier from school as I need to work. At the moment we are home usually either by 4 or 5pm. She doesn't seem to do a lot more clubs than other kids either. She only does one club on the weekend.

I know the summer holidays are coming up but I think she needs time to play properly every week and not for weeks together once a year.

Is this normal? Is everyone always so short on time and rushes through everything? This can't be healthy for such young children, can it? What are we doing wrong?

Well, don't we all want more time.

Seriously though, it sounds like she gets 2.5 hours after school. Then at the weekend you just need to clear the decks some more.

Thanks everyone for the inputs!!

So today was interesting. We got home by 4.10pm. Strangely today she very quickly removed her shoes, washed her hands and then went ahead to draw a picture (which she'd planned to do on the way home). That took about 30minutes. Then she wanted to do some school work as her teacher had explicitly asked her to and on the back of that she decided to practice her instrument. We had an early dinner around 5.30 as her little sister was hungry. Uncharacteristically she ate quite quickly as well and we were done in about 30-40minutes. Then she asked if she could watch her favourite TV show and so she did that for about 15min till about 6.45. then she played a bit with her little sister. Then decided to read her school book and we went up to get ready for bed about 7.30. All done and lights out by 8.15.

I'm super happy with that. It was all very relaxed and she picked each activity and most.importantly she decided when she wanted to stop (except for when I called her for dinner and I asked her to watch only one episode but she was happy with that).

Maybe the trick is that she needs to come home by 4pm so straight after school. Maybe next year we'll just do swimming and one more after school club so then she has three relaxed evenings but that makes things more difficult for me at work. Also, once a week after school I like to take her to the supermarket so she can pick herself things that she likes to eat but that's then another evening where we get home a bit later. And I'll probably have to put my foot down and ring fence at least half a day on one of the weekend days.

No there's no time in the morning whatsoever. 30minutes to eat, 30min to actually go to school (door to door) and 30minutes to get dressed, brush teeth, etc. And she's often late. It's a super big rush in the morning.

Maybe she does lose a lot of time by doing things too slowly / day dreaming. She also takes forever procrastinating things that she doesn't doesn't want to do or doing them slowly like eating, which means she spends a lot of time doing things she doesn't enjoy and less time doing the things she wants to do.

Hah. Yes, that's exactly what it's like but then she gets really upset that she doesn't actually get time to do the thing she's been planning. Shouldn't there be a time when she has enough time to do both planning and the thing she has planned?

It almost feels like we are trying to fit in being a child into the small pockets of time that are left once she has fulfilled all her obligations. I don't think childhood should be like this. I think there should be a lot more free time that is just yours to do whatever you want.

It definitely is the norm, there's an episode of Bluey were the children can't quite believe they are actually ready to play the game they've been planning!
I remember playing "schools" about that age. I'd spend most of the time thinking up names for my register, and very little time actually being a teacher 🙈
Luckily stuffed toys were patient playmates!

Can her plans/set up be kept for the following evening OP? Like a project over a couple of days/week if necessary.

What's with all the hand washing, is she/you obsessive over this?

We try that but the only place that is safe from her little.sister is the dining table. Half of that at any time is taken over by her stuff. We insist she clears the other half so we can have meals. So there isn't much space to keep work in progress. Also, she usually loses interest after a couple of days. Maybe this means it wasn't important to her but it still sucks that she doesn't have time to complete anything while she is excited about it.

Haha..not at all. She only washes her hands once after coming home (and after using the toilet if she's been). Till she washes her hands though she is kind of in a twilight zone where she can't play (because I want her to wash her hands after coming home). Some days it just takes her very long to get her shoes off and wash her hands. Probably bexause she's too tired.

Can't you help her out a bit and just whip her shoes off and give her some hand gel or something?

I mean I wouldn't ordinarily suggest that but given you are so hung up on her not being able to move on after getting in the door perhaps you need to remove this issue as it's seemingly a barrier.

Yes,

Yes, good idea actually.

I only say that because I have neurodiverse kids and - long before they were diagnosed - I realised it was my job to regulate them.

I did things like pulling their shoes off for them even though other people judged me for it because 'they should be old enough to do it themselves' because they have sensory issues and just needed to decompress and regulate themselves as quickly as possible.

I do think there is a lot of tension in your posts between what you think you 'ought' to be doing as a parent and what your DD probably needs.

I think you need to focus on being led by her, and drop the other expectations.

Similar to above poster, I have a neurodiverse child who needed time to decompress straight after school so I would just help him along with shoes etc.

Are breakfast and dinner stressful times for her?

If she is frustrated because she doesn’t have time to really get into her play, can you leave her things out. Youngest DS plays with a lot of construction toys and Lego, if he was to pull it apart every night to put away, he would never truly to get to play. So we have an agreement that his toys can stay out ready for him to play the next day but he has to put them away on Saturday. It might look messy to an outsider but it is ‘play in progress’. Maybe you can do something similar?

Too many activities.
It's stressful and harmful to be constantly made to attend them as is the case in most families. Destroys children's ability to play too. There you get a burnt out 6 or 7 year old not interested in anything. Their natural curiousity oversaturatef and erased.
But the parents feel good having outdone others.
No child has ever asked to join violin, Spanish or any other shitty lessons. Stop forcing your kids, it causes constant stress to them. Although their therapist might thank you.

At weekends you don't have to stop everything and all sit round the table for breakfast or lunch. She can have finger food while playing.

In nice spring summer weather we go from school to the park, paddling pool etc rather than go straight home. A lot of parents, carers do the same where we live. Can you do this @Whatsun I do take a drink because they get thirsty.

Let her be a child

"I just don't know what to do about it. I could cancel all her clubs"

How many are there? Why don't you ask her if she'd like more time to just play and chill out and if she says yes ask her which of her clubs she would prefer to drop?

Personally, I hated extracurricular clubs as a child and loved my reading, playing, chilling time.

"I feel she needs some fresh air and we go to the park or the playground"

She already gets that every day at school.

You need to chill a bit. She seems a happy daydreamy kid who like all kids talks about doing things they don't get round to. If she says she didn't have the for something just tell her she needs to be quicker doing the stuff she needs to get done to do the stuff she wants to do and move on.

Honestly I think you are sort of overthinking what your child needs.

You have her in clubs, you also want her to have lots of unstructured free time at home, you also want her to play at the playground. You are getting stressed because you are spreading yourself/ her too thin because you want her to have everything.

You can't have everything if everything includes hours and hours of unstructured time at home. There's a limited amount of time in a week, especially if you work.

Your child's childhood will be different to yours, that doesn't mean it's worse. All you need to ask yourself is whether she is a happy and well adjusted child. If yes, you are doing it right.

I would definitely drop the hand washing, and - unless it is really cherished - the weekend sport - 90 mins at that time really eats into the weekend and is on the longer side for a club.

The rest of the week seems normal, if not the perfect ideal, for a working family. Can she swim now? Does she need to carry on? My dd has become a perfectly competent swimmer without lessons.

What about a space to protect her play from her sister?

What felt like hours of free time to you as a kid was probably 30 minutes sometimes. Don't stress so much. She has time every day to do what she wants, and she has time that is structured. That's healthy.

Yes, my memories of summer holidays were of months and months, or weeks-long Brownie camps that were actually overnight. Kids perceive time differently.

I think you want to have your cake and eat it: getting home at 4pm was a success so you say do more of that… but then still two clubs and a supermarket day. Ringfence weekends but only for half a day. I’d personally pick an approach and stick to it, and recognise that you can’t have everything.

You sound much more worked up about this than she does tbf OP.

My eldest is also 7, he goes straight to Childminder after school 3 nights a week where he plays freely from 3:30-5:30. Then it's home for dinner to be served at 6/6:15 (he's allowed some Ipad time for that 30 mins) That's almost 3 hours of downtime he gets to do as he wishes.

Dinner is 6:15-6:45 ish, all of us eat together. Once he's finished he can again do as he wishes until 7:30 when its up to bed for a quick shower, teeth and a chat. Lights out at 8:15 same as you.

Mornings up at 6:45, breakfast and dressed by 7:30 and we don't leave the house until 8:10 so he has 30 mins free to do some reading or homework, anything school has set for him (I find him much more responsive to this on a morning than when he's tired after school. Then Alexa alarm goes off at 8am prompting its time to get his water bottle form the fridge and his shoes and coat on. In the car by 8:10.