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Original poster

OLD second date confusion

65 replies

Osakaflowers · 30/06/2023 05:39

I've recently started using OLD. Met someone quite quickly, had a good first date that ended in a kiss and holding hands.
He asked for a second date and suggested cooking for me at his place. At first I thought it was a bit soon to go to his place as I barely know him but he's a consultant doctor for the NHS and checks out online, so unlikely to be that dodgy.

I asked for his address and thought I'd have a look to see what his house looked like on streetmap before I went. It was a scruffy looking semi on a housing estate on the outskirts of a city (rented). He is going through a divorce and the family home is currently occupied by his ex and children so would possibly explain why he's living like this. I went inside and he was living like a student - it was bad.
He's 50 and working full time. I haven't been married or divorced so i'm not sure how this would affect his finances but he must be earning a good salary. I understand that he has to pay maintenance but surely it can't be so much that he's living in squalor.

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 30/06/2023 05:42

If he’s a full time NHS consultant, he probably does private as well, so probably doesn’t have time to clean. And he probably never has had to !
Are you absolutely sure he is who he says he is ?

StopStartStop · 30/06/2023 05:43

So... you've met a man who seems ok but you don't like the way he lives. You're not compatible. Well done for finding out so soon. Move on.

Poolnoodlepoodle · 30/06/2023 05:45

OP I don't think poverty has tipped him into squalor. He might be time poor if he's a doctor but I always thought when they got to consultant level the pay and working conditions improved?

I know I sound a bit mean but I'm guessing possibly he left all the cleaning and house stuff to his ex wife and isn't used to doing it or just doesn't care. Just something to think about if things progress x

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Original poster
Osakaflowers · 30/06/2023 05:50

@DustyLee123 He does 1 day a week private and yes, definitely is who he says he is.

OP posts:
Original poster
Osakaflowers · 30/06/2023 05:52

@StopStartStop We get along well but the living situation was a big turn off.

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 30/06/2023 05:52

I wonder if he’ll suggest you bring your marigolds to the next date !

Original poster
Osakaflowers · 30/06/2023 05:54

@Poolnoodlepoodle He did mention that she used to do all of the cooking and it was a relatively new thing for him...

OP posts:
CurlewKate · 30/06/2023 05:55

I honestly think a man on dating sites while in the middle of a divorce is probably not a good choice if you want more than a hook up.

Original poster
Osakaflowers · 30/06/2023 05:55

@DustyLee123 😂

OP posts:
coronation2023 · 30/06/2023 05:58

Sorry what ? You have only met him once and you are going around his house for dinner ?

Are you going over for sex? No judgment but that's what I would expect he is after

Original poster
Osakaflowers · 30/06/2023 06:02

@coronation2023 I would have considered sex but not when I saw how he was living It turned me off - It would most people! Maybe not men but most women would be.

OP posts:
CherryLipgloss · 30/06/2023 06:08

He could be short of cash if he's currently still paying the mortgage on the family home while the finances are sorted. That's no explanation for not doing any cleaning though - especially if he knew he had a date coming over. Maybe this is partly why his ex wife got sick of him?

Lesssugarketchup · 30/06/2023 06:11

Cut him some slack FGS OP

He is very busy
moved out of family home
very little time to sort out his living conditions
and doctors can be very messy don’t you know!

He offers to cook dinner at his for the second date - it is that detail that makes me think he’s one to avoid. As I would find the off putting and not a chance of accept. But you did so obviously you’re cool with that but not mess!

SauronsArsehole · 30/06/2023 06:12

I’m working two jobs atm OP. I usually keep a clean house but with a combo of the heat, second job, my ADHD DC home FT I look like I live in squalor because I’m exhausted. My work day starts 7:30-8:15 but I’m up earlier than that, home after 9 and often shower then sleep.

I hate it.

3 weeks until the end of term then my job drops down to one and I can hopefully get my shit back together and hire some help!

supercali77 · 30/06/2023 06:20

How did you manage to go inside? I thought you'd just checked it on Google maps?? Anyway, 1 date and a view of the presumably temporary house he's living in probably isnt enough to determine his entire situation or his overall cleaning standards...he might have just moved in? Maybe meet again, not at his house and do some basic digging about his situation

daisychain01 · 30/06/2023 06:32

Im not sure what you're asking for on here.

if it's an opinion on his circumstances, I'd say his situation sounds complex, you've only met him once, what's the rush?

if you think he's living in squalor then that's either because he's a slob by nature, or it's a combination of his marriage breakdown plus demanding job plus possibly feeling overwhelmed with life. My question would be what is that man doing on a dating site, that sounds like a lack of sound judgement with all that going on.

If he's 50, are you a similar age? If there's a significant age gap, please don't get embroiled in all that baggage if you have the choice. At least spend sufficient time with him on neutral ground to understand if his situation is a temporary one, and whether you're compatible. It isn't a race!

Original poster
Osakaflowers · 30/06/2023 06:33

@supercali77 checked it out on maps first and then went inside once I had arrived there for the date. I liked him and was curious to see how he lived.
We agreed that we'll probably see each other again but in my neck of the woods next time.

OP posts:
daisychain01 · 30/06/2023 06:36

How did you manage to go inside? I thought you'd just checked it on Google maps??

I think the OP looked at the outside on Street View and did have the 2nd date so went inside his house,

Weal · 30/06/2023 06:38

What do you mean by squalor? A little rub down and old furniture or dirt and mess? Because the two are different situations for me.

As a dr I expect he works very long hours and if it is a very new situation maybe he just needs time to get new things and sort his housing to how he wants it? Very expensive to start from scratch if he has left everything in the previous home.

Id be more worried about how recent the break up was!

St0nehenge · 30/06/2023 06:39

I'd be more worried at him expecting sex second date. GeeZ.
Like there aren't a million bars and restaurants. That'd be a turn off.

Original poster
Osakaflowers · 30/06/2023 06:42

@daisychain01 I'm definitely not in any rush. We're of a similar age. I'm solvent and have children.

OP posts:
ZenNudist · 30/06/2023 06:42

Not a keeper. In the middle of a divorce and asking you to his house for 2nd date? Just out for sex. Even if you could look past lack of domesticity he's likely to mess you around.

Keepitonthelow · 30/06/2023 06:54

So did he cook for you? Or is that another date? I would be put off. Some people do live like that.

Original poster
Osakaflowers · 30/06/2023 07:02

@Keepitonthelow He did cook a very nice meal but I left about an hour and a half afterwards. knew quite quickly that I wouldn't be up for sleeping with him - well certainly not there anyway. He wasn't creepy and didn't try anything on.

OP posts:
jojo2202 · 30/06/2023 07:06

i think he's probably a very busy person who is used to having home all sorted for him by ex wife. the last time he lived alone was probably as a student and has reverted back. some men are quite childish when it comes to cleaning etc. i would give him benefit of doubt for now and be honest with him.