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Original poster

OLD second date confusion

65 replies

Osakaflowers · 30/06/2023 05:39

I've recently started using OLD. Met someone quite quickly, had a good first date that ended in a kiss and holding hands.
He asked for a second date and suggested cooking for me at his place. At first I thought it was a bit soon to go to his place as I barely know him but he's a consultant doctor for the NHS and checks out online, so unlikely to be that dodgy.

I asked for his address and thought I'd have a look to see what his house looked like on streetmap before I went. It was a scruffy looking semi on a housing estate on the outskirts of a city (rented). He is going through a divorce and the family home is currently occupied by his ex and children so would possibly explain why he's living like this. I went inside and he was living like a student - it was bad.
He's 50 and working full time. I haven't been married or divorced so i'm not sure how this would affect his finances but he must be earning a good salary. I understand that he has to pay maintenance but surely it can't be so much that he's living in squalor.

OP posts:
Original poster
Osakaflowers · 30/06/2023 07:18

jojo2202 · 30/06/2023 07:06

i think he's probably a very busy person who is used to having home all sorted for him by ex wife. the last time he lived alone was probably as a student and has reverted back. some men are quite childish when it comes to cleaning etc. i would give him benefit of doubt for now and be honest with him.

I think that probably is the case although she's a doctor too and I can't imagine she had much time.
You would think he would pay a cleaner. I have to have one sometimes as I work and have a children and I earn a fraction of his salary.

OP posts:
Soonenough · 30/06/2023 07:27

I think they revert back to single status once they leave marital home. Before I kicked the Ex out, I made him stay in another room. It was disgusting but I just closed the door.

Cut him some slack . This is all very new and sounds like he has a busy and demanding job . Housekeeping is probably a low priority. Getting a cleaner would mean organising keys , etc and probably too much .
However , knowing you were coming, you think he would have made an effort . Even just sweeping stuff in closets !

loopyloutoo · 30/06/2023 07:32

Nah I'd hate that - sorry. It would put me right off. If you're inviting someone over, you clean up.

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mondaytosunday · 30/06/2023 07:35

I come from a family of doctors. They can be busy but you invite someone over to your house, especially someone you presumably want to impress, you make pretty darn sure the house is clean!
My late husband was in a similar position when I met him. He was in the process of getting a divorce, his sahm wife had the family home, and he was used to her taking care of the domestic side. He was a city lawyer working 10-12 hours plus days. I also went to his place on the second date as he wanted to cook for me (he was a great cook)! But here's the difference: His flat was immaculate. For one thing he was a tidy guy (always washed up, never left clothes hanging around). And he had a cleaner (though hard to tell before and after as he was so tidy - she did his ironing that was how I could tell she'd been)!
It's something you'll have to decide - if you guys work out long term you'll be the skivvy.

Lesssugarketchup · 30/06/2023 07:36

Op have you been doing OLD for some time or was this your first time?

a dinner date at his home after just one date (and holding hands on your first date) is a touch… odd

jojo2202 · 30/06/2023 07:47

@Osakaflowers even if the wife worked id still think she was responsible for 90% of looking after the household and organising things. Sexist but true. My husband has abit of ocd and is very clean but couldn't work a washing machine or clean a toilet properly if he tried.

Lesssugarketchup · 30/06/2023 08:17

@jojo2202

My husband has abit of ocd and is very clean but couldn't work a washing machine or clean a toilet properly if he tried.
Unless he was a very very low IQ, he’s done a number on you!

Lesssugarketchup · 30/06/2023 08:18

Always intrigued by “bit of OCD”

Applesinmyhouse · 30/06/2023 08:19

When you say squalor what do you mean? Rats in the kitchen, mould up the walls, fag marks on the sofa sort of thing or just messy? Dirty bathroom?
He’s probably too busy to clean.

jojo2202 · 30/06/2023 08:44

Lesssugarketchup · 30/06/2023 08:17

@jojo2202

My husband has abit of ocd and is very clean but couldn't work a washing machine or clean a toilet properly if he tried.
Unless he was a very very low IQ, he’s done a number on you!

he's a mechanical engineer and works in petroleum 😂. he just cannot fathom how to get washing machine right. i can home from work just last week and the washing machine was beeping out of control like it was screaming for help

jojo2202 · 30/06/2023 08:47

Lesssugarketchup · 30/06/2023 08:18

Always intrigued by “bit of OCD”

he has diagnosed ocd. washes himself repeatedly, washes hands, has an obsession with hoovering and mopping and shoes touching the floor. very particular about his clothes and them being dirty. I say a "bit" because it doesn't bother me - or him anymore and i suppose it's mild compared to others

elliesmummy19 · 30/06/2023 08:51

My husband’s a consultant doctor and we live in a tiny two up, two down that needs lots of work. We love the house and don’t want to move, don’t really need anything bigger and really just haven’t had the time/don’t want all the disruption of getting work done/probably just a bit lazy tbh.

All that being said, I wouldn’t be going round to a stranger’s house on the second date.

Solonomi · 30/06/2023 09:21

Sounds like you have the ick OP. Just move on if you can’t see past it.

AutumnLeaves5 · 30/06/2023 09:28

If I was so busy that I was living in squalor, I certainly wouldn’t be prioritizing online dating…and definitely not inviting them round.

I’d pull right back…maybe meet for the occasional drink or meal but wait for him to sort his divorce and living conditions out. That should be his priority at the moment, unless he’s seeing online dating as an opportunity for getting a new cook and cleaner!

stealthninjamum · 30/06/2023 09:30

He sounds like my ex - very successful, high earning, yet lives in squalor. Awful mismatched furniture (that I gave him and some that he bought) and one set of very frilly bedding (again given by me) he has no sense of style. That wouldn’t necessarily matter but he is a hoarder and has piles of stuff everywhere. Dc have seen he has bumble on his phone so I do feel sorry for anyone who matches with him.

supercali77 · 30/06/2023 10:00

Ah right if he invited you round and it was a shitshow I wouldn't be very impressed. I had a few dates with someone and went round his and it was the same. Even if the structure of the house is in disrepair and you can't get round to it , at least have the decency to clean up before a date turns up ffs

EllaRaines · 30/06/2023 10:01

Missing and holding hands on a first date MAY have indicated to him that the next date you will go further and that's why he's instigated it at his house.

I know I'm an old fogey here but it would be a long while before I started kissing and holding hands with someone.

Original poster
Osakaflowers · 30/06/2023 11:44

In regards to going to someone's house on a second date. I was a bit taken a back by his suggestion, also brand new to online dating and not sure what to expect but as the chemistry was good on first date, went for it. I weighed it up and didn't think he was an ax murderer due his job (obviously researched him first, let my friends know who he was and the address) I was also very curious to see how he lived.
I have travelled, moved to a different country alone and set up a life, made friends, been to many new peoples homes, dates with men in their homes and wasn't nervous or worried about anything. I know that it might give the impression that I might want to have sex and well, I might, and am happy to if the mood is right. But I don't owe anyone anything and I'm also happy for things to be awkward and leave if I'm not feeling it.

OP posts:
Ejismyf · 30/06/2023 11:49

Is he definitely divorced and its not just a crash pad close to work when he is working to save travelling if his family home is further out? Sounds like he is busy but defo surprised he wouldn't of tidied before a date.

itsmylife7 · 30/06/2023 11:53

Being busy is NO excuse for living in squalor . Untidy and dusty,yes,but not dirt and squalor.

BeachBlondey · 30/06/2023 11:57

I remember going to my DH's flat for the first time. It was horrible. Old carpets, dated hand me down furniture, peeling wallpaper. One bedroom was stuffed full of junk. He was in the middle of studying for professional exams - papers all over the place. I just put it down to him being a bloke, to be honest. We've been together for 15 years now, and have a very clean and tidy house at all times.

Original poster
Osakaflowers · 30/06/2023 12:27

EllaRaines · 30/06/2023 10:01

Missing and holding hands on a first date MAY have indicated to him that the next date you will go further and that's why he's instigated it at his house.

I know I'm an old fogey here but it would be a long while before I started kissing and holding hands with someone.

For me, the ideal scenario on a first date is that you really click and naturally want to kiss. If you do kiss and it's good, then great!

OP posts:
StopStartStop · 30/06/2023 14:47

Osakaflowers · 30/06/2023 05:52

@StopStartStop We get along well but the living situation was a big turn off.

As I said, incompatible. Move on.

Lesssugarketchup · 30/06/2023 14:51

Osakaflowers · 30/06/2023 12:27

For me, the ideal scenario on a first date is that you really click and naturally want to kiss. If you do kiss and it's good, then great!

Show quote history

Yes but as can be seen by the second date…. That feeling you “clicked” perhaps was t all that accurate so there is a lot to be said especially when children involved… to taking things veeeerrrryy slowly

Lesssugarketchup · 30/06/2023 14:52

Or at least not wandering around holding hands and kissing about a couple of hours of first meeting each other! 😂