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Original poster

OLD second date confusion

65 replies

Osakaflowers · 30/06/2023 05:39

I've recently started using OLD. Met someone quite quickly, had a good first date that ended in a kiss and holding hands.
He asked for a second date and suggested cooking for me at his place. At first I thought it was a bit soon to go to his place as I barely know him but he's a consultant doctor for the NHS and checks out online, so unlikely to be that dodgy.

I asked for his address and thought I'd have a look to see what his house looked like on streetmap before I went. It was a scruffy looking semi on a housing estate on the outskirts of a city (rented). He is going through a divorce and the family home is currently occupied by his ex and children so would possibly explain why he's living like this. I went inside and he was living like a student - it was bad.
He's 50 and working full time. I haven't been married or divorced so i'm not sure how this would affect his finances but he must be earning a good salary. I understand that he has to pay maintenance but surely it can't be so much that he's living in squalor.

OP posts:
Thehonestbadger · 30/06/2023 15:03

😂😂😂😂 I’m laughing because the way he’s living is actually the least ‘red flag’ thing about this post.

My DH is an NHS registrar (will be a consultant soon) I remember meeting him, hearing about his speciality which is super hard and quite prestigious and thinking ‘wow he’ll have his shit together’ he took me back to an alright terraced house he’d bought a few years earlier and I swear to god it was like a 17 year old had been given a house and a credit card.
Dominoes boxes EVERYWHERE as far as the eye could see. His bed had one pillow ONE.
His TV was precariously balanced on a grotty 50+ year old desk he’d had passed down the family.

He is one of the smartest, kindest and most genuine men I’ve ever met but I almost balked I’ll be honest. He lived and breathed work. To a point he just didn’t see the point in having a ‘nice’ home set up because he was never there! He’d come off call sleep for 6 hours eat left over domino’s take a shower and go back to the hospital. His life was the hospital.

We now have two small children and honestly his life is largely still the hospital and I get very lonely. I remember a nurse friend telling me when I met DH ‘they’re always either divorced single or on their second wives by the time they hit consultancy. The first marriages never make it through the junior doctor training’

So yeah, scruffy rented houses, living like a teenager, separated from wife and kids. That sounds absolutely bang on for a NHS consultant.

Justleaveitblankthen · 30/06/2023 15:05

Osakaflowers · 30/06/2023 07:02

@Keepitonthelow He did cook a very nice meal but I left about an hour and a half afterwards. knew quite quickly that I wouldn't be up for sleeping with him - well certainly not there anyway. He wasn't creepy and didn't try anything on.

Good call. I'm willing to bet he hadn't recently stripped and changed his bed sheets just incase you were 🙁

I once unwittingly spent the night in sheets that smelled strongly of the home owners, neither of which was the hapless dude lying beside me 🤢

Lesssugarketchup · 30/06/2023 15:07

@Thehonestbadger knowing what you know now… would you have married and had children with him out of interest?

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Lesssugarketchup · 30/06/2023 15:08

Justleaveitblankthen · 30/06/2023 15:05

Good call. I'm willing to bet he hadn't recently stripped and changed his bed sheets just incase you were 🙁

I once unwittingly spent the night in sheets that smelled strongly of the home owners, neither of which was the hapless dude lying beside me 🤢

Show quote history

What did you think the smell was?

Godwindar · 30/06/2023 15:11

DustyLee123 · 30/06/2023 05:42

If he’s a full time NHS consultant, he probably does private as well, so probably doesn’t have time to clean. And he probably never has had to !
Are you absolutely sure he is who he says he is ?

Many NHS consultants don't do private now as their job contracts don't give them the space anymore! If he is splitting and paying for any legal aspect of a divorce and needs his equity out of his house, and depending on whether his ex-wife works or not, he may not be rolling in it. Renting a semi cant be 1.5k in some areas. You can look him up on the GMC register easily.

Thehonestbadger · 30/06/2023 15:34

Lesssugarketchup · 30/06/2023 15:07

@Thehonestbadger knowing what you know now… would you have married and had children with him out of interest?

Thats a tough question.

I don’t know anyone who has hit the jackpot and got the dream spouse. Everyone I know has found their partner underwhelming in some respect post marriage/kids.
My big complaint with DH is he’s not around much but god I’d rather he was spending all his time with work stuff than on games console or ‘socialising’ with endless golfing/drinking weekends with his ‘lads’ 😂🤦‍♀️

I have complete financial equality, he’s loyal to a fault and he’s completely physically and verbally respectful…so yes I probably would still have married him. I might not be buzzing with romantic elation but I could have done a lot worse!

Would I marry him if he already had a wife and kids before me? NOOOOOOOO
The money is good but it’s not that good and I’d bet my absolute hat that he didn’t want that marriage to end. He’s probably ‘fine’ with it and has gotten used to it but in my experience doctors are naturally very loyal ‘Stick it out forever’ type people, else they’d never take all the crap the NHS throw at them 😂

OhComeOnFFS · 30/06/2023 15:42

I've been to guys' homes on the first date, never mind the second but I was young and we'd usually both be a bit drunk. I stopped that malarkey when I was in a guy's house and realised nobody knew where I was. It was pre-mobiles. That thought frightened the life out of me.

I don't know why you thought you would be safe simply because he had a good job. I don't know why he's living in squalor when he's in such a good job and spends 20% of his time on private work. There's something that doesn't add up there. If he was in a house with just a bed and a sofa that would be more understandable, if he'd just moved in, but why was he living in such a horrible place when he could clearly afford better. (Given his and his wife's jobs.)

born2runaway · 30/06/2023 15:45

Totally understand if his house is rented and not too smart but there's no excuse for dirty/untidy

At this stage he could have suggested another pub date if he couldn't be arsed to clean up for you

Minging

Did you DTD?

born2runaway · 30/06/2023 15:47

I really wouldn't be up for somebody's home on date 2

Date 3 or 4 for me

Ceci03 · 30/06/2023 15:57

I think if he was even 25 I could overlook it but the fact he wasn't ashamed or embarrassed at you seeing his gaff in that state would be a turnoff for me. I just wouldn't feel compatible. Plus he's obviously
In the middle of a divorce. It will be complicated. Depends what you are both looking for tbh. I would say he's looking for a shag. If your happy with that then that's ok. If you want more then I don't think he's the one for you. But it's your call.

Keepitonthelow · 30/06/2023 16:09

Was it hygienic enough for a home-cooked meal?

Ceci03 · 30/06/2023 16:12

We need more information OP about the squalor . Can you describe it a bit more!!!

Original poster
Osakaflowers · 01/07/2023 01:37

I think squalor might have been a slight exaggeration on my part. We're not talking crack den. More like very neglected semi with random furniture that you might find being given away for free on free cycle with stains on. Grubby carpet, messy, everything generally grubby and hasn't been redecorated since the late 80's. No artwork, pictures, cushions, ornaments, etc.

The food was totally fine and I enjoyed it. I did appreciate the effort he'd made in the kitchen. To have someone cook me a nice meal is always appreciated. The kitchen was a mess but the food had been cooking for a long time and no meat, all very hot - nothing to worry about there. I have probably eaten food for much worse kitchens unwittingly.

OP posts:
Original poster
Osakaflowers · 01/07/2023 01:40

born2runaway · 30/06/2023 15:45

Totally understand if his house is rented and not too smart but there's no excuse for dirty/untidy

At this stage he could have suggested another pub date if he couldn't be arsed to clean up for you

Minging

Did you DTD?

God no

OP posts:
Weal · 01/07/2023 08:21

Osakaflowers · 01/07/2023 01:37

I think squalor might have been a slight exaggeration on my part. We're not talking crack den. More like very neglected semi with random furniture that you might find being given away for free on free cycle with stains on. Grubby carpet, messy, everything generally grubby and hasn't been redecorated since the late 80's. No artwork, pictures, cushions, ornaments, etc.

The food was totally fine and I enjoyed it. I did appreciate the effort he'd made in the kitchen. To have someone cook me a nice meal is always appreciated. The kitchen was a mess but the food had been cooking for a long time and no meat, all very hot - nothing to worry about there. I have probably eaten food for much worse kitchens unwittingly.

So it was more outdated and a bit messy than unhygienic and dirty?

how long has he been there? I suspect the furniture came with the rent and he’s just starting out there.

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