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Original poster

Pregnant at 21, don’t know what to do

66 replies

kistermipling · 29/06/2023 12:16

As the title says. Checked my calendar this morning and realised I was a week late, did a test and it’s positive. I live in a small house in a shitty area with my boyfriend and his parents, we are both on low income (minimum wage pretty much). I was hoping to go to university next year and start working towards a decently paid job. I feel very conflicted, I never thought I’d want a child but now that I’m pregnant I feel like I might have changed my mind? But financially it would be extremely difficult and it would mean we wouldn’t be able to start building our careers or move away/buy our own house for years. I just don’t know what to do. I don’t even know how to go about accessing an abortion if that’s what I decide. Can anyone help?

OP posts:
GeorgeSpeaks · 29/06/2023 12:26

Go to your GP or Google a local family planning clinic if you are looking for an abortion.

Think very carefully about how you will afford childcare until school age if you go to university or continue to work. If you don't continue to work how will you afford rent/bills etc.

Good luck xxx

CreationNat1on · 29/06/2023 12:27

Yes, there are many abortion clinics available, go to your nearest well woman clinic and ask to discuss your options.

Genuinely if you are just a few days late, there are other options. Abortion pills, this doesn't have to be as dramatic as you might expect. If you are not ready, consider all of your options, a baby is a lifetime commitment. 18 plus years of intensive parenting. Put yourself first in your decision making process. Speak to neutral professionals, they are there to help. Xx

Original poster
kistermipling · 29/06/2023 13:06

@GeorgeSpeaks @CreationNat1on Thank you both. If I’d already been to uni or had a better job I would feel more comfortable continuing the pregnancy. I feel awful about terminating and do want the baby really but it’s not the best time to bring a child into the world for us or the best environment. I never thought I’d have to make this decision, it’s a lot more difficult than I thought it would be.

OP posts:
NotOnGlue · 29/06/2023 13:09

If you contact a termination provider (ask your GP/go to Marie Stopes/sexual health clinic), they will offer you counselling to decide if abortion is right for you. Take your time to think about it - it is really normal to feel conflicted.

MaryJean87 · 29/06/2023 13:17

If you want the baby, don't feel you have to terminate. I had my first at 20 and you just find a way to make it work if it's what you want. You'll probably be entitled to help with childcare costs while you're studying. Good luck whatever you decide x

almondflake · 29/06/2023 13:52

Just a big hug for you . Take your time to decide what's best for you , as others have said find a local women's clinic to discuss your options with a neutral advisor.
This has to be your choice , best of luck with what you decide 😊

Peanutbutteryday · 29/06/2023 16:22

Only you can decide what is best. Perhaps speak to a midwife at your hospital who may be able to guide you on any support there us in your area should you have the baby.

Somanycats · 29/06/2023 16:29

Your age isn't a factor in this and I don't think it's relevant. Obviously at 21 you are plenty old enough to have a child. It's your life stage that may be a problem. Why did you not go to university when younger if you don't mind me asking? Do you really want to go now or are you just regretting that a pregnancy might stop you?

NeverDropYourMooncup · 29/06/2023 16:30

Remember that it's what's right for you - not your boyfriend, not his Mum, not anybody else: just you.

RegimentalSturgeon · 29/06/2023 16:36

NeverDropYourMooncup · 29/06/2023 16:30

Remember that it's what's right for you - not your boyfriend, not his Mum, not anybody else: just you.

I don’t agree with this: the effect on others should be taken into consideration.

jojo2202 · 29/06/2023 16:44

Get you own place and education sorted first love. I would tell my own daughter the same. There's no shame in having a termination especially if it's to give your future children a better life.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 29/06/2023 17:08

RegimentalSturgeon · 29/06/2023 16:36

I don’t agree with this: the effect on others should be taken into consideration.

Show quote history

No. It's her body, her life and intrinsically, her choice.

GreyCarpet · 29/06/2023 17:21

NeverDropYourMooncup · 29/06/2023 17:08

No. It's her body, her life and intrinsically, her choice.

Show quote history

That's true. But without considering the bigger picture, she might be facing bringing any baby up completely alone. Its worth factoring in.

DustyLee123 · 29/06/2023 17:23

If you were my daughter I’d suggest you get your education/job and a home in place first. But then I’d also support you if you wanted to keep it.
Good luck.

GreyCarpet · 29/06/2023 17:26

OP, I had a termination when I was 20. I flip flopped between my decision right up until the last possible minute but I knew the reality was that I wasn't in a place to have or bring up a child the way I would want to bring a child up.

I decided not to go ahead with the pregnancy.

As it happens, I went on to have two children who I have mostly brought up alone. I have a first class degree, MA and a professional career. I would not have been able to do that had I proceeded with the pregnancy.

I have never once regretted it.

I'm not hoping to influence you one way or the other but it would have helped me back then to hear from others who had faced a similar decision for similar reasons.

adviceneeded1990 · 29/06/2023 17:26

If you were only a week late am I right I’m thinking you’re only around 5 weeks along? If so then you’ve got a little bit of time, could you access counselling to help you make up your mind? There will always be pros and cons in this situation, and you might have the baby and it all works itself out, many do. You may also have an abortion, go off to uni and never regret it, many do. It’s a hard choice and only you can make it but you can use the fact you found out early to give yourself a couple of weeks to think it over. Marie Stopes and other abortion providers can help with access to a trained counsellor.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 29/06/2023 17:27

I terminated at your age & never looked back. Becoming an uneducated young mother would have ruined my life.

40 years on, zero regrets.

alittleadvicepls · 29/06/2023 17:41

Such a tough decision. What does your boyfriend think? Is he supportive? I had my first at 22 (also unexpected) but I wish I had waited. I already had one degree then and went on to do a second one but having a baby when I was so unstable made life so much harder than it needs to be in your early 20s. Best of luck with your decision x

flowerpop · 29/06/2023 17:43

If you were my daughter I'd say putting yourself and your education first now will ultimately benefit your future children and you. However if you have a realistic grasp on the sacrifices you will have to make to continue the pregnancy now in terms of your headspace, home ownership, education, and career and you still really want to start a family now, then I'd totally support that. It'll all feel so huge and scary right now with the choices you have to make but this period of your life will just be a memory one day - you'll work it out x

MIBnightmare · 29/06/2023 17:50

Absolutely put yourself first !! I have a 21 year old who is at Uni .. she has a bright future.. but I completely agree with HER decision if in this situation... but would err on the side of termination ... as did I at the same age and have had zero regrets.

Holly03 · 29/06/2023 17:52

I felt the same when I fell pregnant a few years before. It just wasn’t the right time or situation. Prepare yourself before going to the clinic as it’s not as easy as many think and emotionally it can be draining.

drpet49 · 30/06/2023 08:44

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 29/06/2023 17:27

I terminated at your age & never looked back. Becoming an uneducated young mother would have ruined my life.

40 years on, zero regrets.

This

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 30/06/2023 11:43

Holly03 · 29/06/2023 17:52

I felt the same when I fell pregnant a few years before. It just wasn’t the right time or situation. Prepare yourself before going to the clinic as it’s not as easy as many think and emotionally it can be draining.

I didn't find it physically or emotionally difficult. It was over in 10 min.

ThePM · 30/06/2023 11:48

I remember reading about a woman in your position, she decided to terminate because she really couldn’t afford to support a baby at that time.

The important thing though, is that she used the situation as a driver to do really well at university and as a springboard to bring herself out of poverty. She succeeded in doing that and had her children later.

(I know someone who also used her termination as the impetus to get rid of her sub-par boyfriend)

You have a good life planned out, stick to plan-A.

CurlewKate · 30/06/2023 12:07

Decide what's best for you. Don't tell ANYONE else until you've had a chance to get your thoughts clearer. See if there's a Marie Stopes clinic near you-you can get advice there. It's tough-but you'll get through.