Pregnant at 21, don’t know what to do

[kistermipling]

As the title says. Checked my calendar this morning and realised I was a week late, did a test and it’s positive. I live in a small house in a shitty area with my boyfriend and his parents, we are both on low income (minimum wage pretty much). I was hoping to go to university next year and start working towards a decently paid job. I feel very conflicted, I never thought I’d want a child but now that I’m pregnant I feel like I might have changed my mind? But financially it would be extremely difficult and it would mean we wouldn’t be able to start building our careers or move away/buy our own house for years. I just don’t know what to do. I don’t even know how to go about accessing an abortion if that’s what I decide. Can anyone help?

You're not in a position where you can give a child everything (or almost anything) that you would want to.

The suggestion of continuing with the pregnancy then putting the baby up for adoption makes me feel very uncomfortable, particularly if you're in an impoverished area and hope to have children in the future.

At 21 I would have terminated. But it’s entirely your choice.

It is your choice but if you were my daughter I would be suggesting that you think seriously about termination. You have your whole life ahead of you. Parenting is hard and is certainly easier if you have have some stability in terms of education, job, financial security, a home and a committed relationship.

OP, most universities have crèche arrangements for students with babies. If you are doing a three year degree, by the time you graduate you will be entitled to some hours of subsidised childcare per week, and you will be through all the teething/feeding/sleepless nights stage.
So it’s not quite the disaster it might seem at present.
When I was a student, one of my Catholic friends had an unplanned baby. Termination wasn’t an option as far as she was concerned. She got lodgings in the granny flat of one of our paediatricians and his family (also Catholic) and the baby was baptised at the university Chaplaincy centre. She completed her degree, and got a graduate job, raising her daughter alone until later marrying.
You have every option open to you - termination, keeping the baby, or adoption. Take a little time to consider what is actually best for you, rather than panicking and making a decision you might regret.

Hey OP, sorry you find yourself in a difficult position. It really can be a hard choice to make.

I found out I was pregnant at 19. I gave birth at 20. I had a minimum wage job and my partner left me during pregnancy. It was quote an awful time. However...

I worked towards a fantastic career after my daughter was born. She's 9 now and I'm pregnant with #3. Both of my babies have been born amongst career building / changes and I've loved the challenges. Baby #3 had come as a surprise after a recent job change (into a better role with more responsibility, and more money so not the best timing) but we will make it work and are excited for the challenges ahead.

No one can tell you what's best for you, but you sound very sensible so whatever you decide I am sure will be right for you.

Best wishes to you.

Hey, hope you're okay?

I got pregnant at 21 also, my partner (now ex) wasn't working at the time and neither was I, it wasn't planned at all! I ended up having my baby when I was 22 and now she's almost 10! Honestly for me, deciding to keep her was the best choice ever. Yeah, it was hard, very hard... But you get through it with the right people in your life.
Whatever you choose to do, just make sure it's the right decision for you. Nobody will judge you, whatever you choose.

Really hope you're okay! xo

At least 4 of our local HT's had children at this sort of age. Started working as TA when the children went to school and worked their way up. 2 without partners. Not saying this would be the right route for you but if you want to keep this child there are ways of making it work, with or without your boyfriend. It may not be the life you planned but it can be a good life.

I find the phrase "keep your baby" or "kept my baby" to be extremely manipulative.

At this stage, the bodily process is very far, far from being "a baby." The OP would not be discarding "a baby" if she decides to terminate. In the slightest.

The acorn on the compost heap is not a mighty oak. The mass created by a fertilized egg is not a human being. Millions upon millions of these masses are ejected every month by the bodies of women worldwide. It's how we are designed.

I hope you have the baby, your partner marries you, the grandparents help you and in time you buy something you want to call a home

Nothing in life is easy or guaranteed. Including getting pregnant again when it is more convenient. 21 isn’t THAT young. I think for me, I would be assessing what your support network is like

In a perfect world 🙄 unfortunately we don't live in one.

OP you must be in a bit of shock at the moment, just give yourself a little bit of time to come to terms with your own thoughts - it's okay to keep the pregnancy or it's okay to terminate it too, ultimately you've got to do what you feel is best for YOU and you alone.

It’s the after part. It hits you later on, at first you feel fine but later on is harder to deal with

It doesn’t hit some of us at all, at the time or later on.

Go with what you feel is right. I want to add that a support network is so important and this looks different for everyone. I had my daughter at 19, finished uni with a first class honours, climbed the career ladder and started a business (over a decade). But I have a very supportive family (had a rubbish baby dad but looking back - doing what I needed to do for my child was worth it. If you have a supportive other half that’s great).

I have friends that have completed degrees with little ones. It takes time but it is doable. A friend of mine has a similar story to me, she found that she had to dig hard for information on support for parents that study. I received some grants for childcare and other support - then worked part time as a waitress, taking the morning shift so I could be there for baby. As it was a hotel I also took the opportunity to move vertically within the organisation to get work experience.

I am sharing to say that it is doable to be a young mum and make something of yourself. It just requires drive, grit and an amazing network of people!

If you do decide to terminate - a decision I made at the peak of my career because I was with the wrong guy and I didn’t want a child - if the decision comes from yourself and your needs - you will live with it. I do not regret my decision to terminate. I needed it at the time. I also love my daughter to bits I made the decision to keep her at that time.

What is your gut telling you and what support so you have?

Feel free to not read it then.