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Original poster

Pregnant at 21, don’t know what to do

66 replies

kistermipling · 29/06/2023 12:16

As the title says. Checked my calendar this morning and realised I was a week late, did a test and it’s positive. I live in a small house in a shitty area with my boyfriend and his parents, we are both on low income (minimum wage pretty much). I was hoping to go to university next year and start working towards a decently paid job. I feel very conflicted, I never thought I’d want a child but now that I’m pregnant I feel like I might have changed my mind? But financially it would be extremely difficult and it would mean we wouldn’t be able to start building our careers or move away/buy our own house for years. I just don’t know what to do. I don’t even know how to go about accessing an abortion if that’s what I decide. Can anyone help?

OP posts:
Original poster
kistermipling · 01/07/2023 01:32

Somanycats · 29/06/2023 16:29

Your age isn't a factor in this and I don't think it's relevant. Obviously at 21 you are plenty old enough to have a child. It's your life stage that may be a problem. Why did you not go to university when younger if you don't mind me asking? Do you really want to go now or are you just regretting that a pregnancy might stop you?

I was only entitled to minimum loans so couldn’t afford it. And also I couldn’t decide what to study and didn’t want to waste the funding. I really want to go now. I’m fed up of living on minimum wage in a terrible area. I want to get a good job and have a nice life. I feel like having a baby now would prevent that, at least for a period of time.

OP posts:
Original poster
kistermipling · 01/07/2023 01:35

GreyCarpet · 29/06/2023 17:26

OP, I had a termination when I was 20. I flip flopped between my decision right up until the last possible minute but I knew the reality was that I wasn't in a place to have or bring up a child the way I would want to bring a child up.

I decided not to go ahead with the pregnancy.

As it happens, I went on to have two children who I have mostly brought up alone. I have a first class degree, MA and a professional career. I would not have been able to do that had I proceeded with the pregnancy.

I have never once regretted it.

I'm not hoping to influence you one way or the other but it would have helped me back then to hear from others who had faced a similar decision for similar reasons.

Thank you for this. The idea of having a termination is awful to me but realistically I know that it’s just not really feasible to have a child right now. I’m living in a tiny house with three other people, don’t have a degree or a good job, and we are in a very, very impoverished area. Growing up here was hard for me and I don’t want to stay here any longer or subject a child to that.

OP posts:
Original poster
kistermipling · 01/07/2023 01:36

adviceneeded1990 · 29/06/2023 17:26

If you were only a week late am I right I’m thinking you’re only around 5 weeks along? If so then you’ve got a little bit of time, could you access counselling to help you make up your mind? There will always be pros and cons in this situation, and you might have the baby and it all works itself out, many do. You may also have an abortion, go off to uni and never regret it, many do. It’s a hard choice and only you can make it but you can use the fact you found out early to give yourself a couple of weeks to think it over. Marie Stopes and other abortion providers can help with access to a trained counsellor.

Yes as of today I’m 5 weeks and 1 day. I’ve contacted Marie Stopes and will give myself some time to decide for certain what it is that I want to do. Thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
kistermipling · 01/07/2023 01:38

alittleadvicepls · 29/06/2023 17:41

Such a tough decision. What does your boyfriend think? Is he supportive? I had my first at 22 (also unexpected) but I wish I had waited. I already had one degree then and went on to do a second one but having a baby when I was so unstable made life so much harder than it needs to be in your early 20s. Best of luck with your decision x

My boyfriend said that he doesn’t think we are in a good place to have a child right now, and that he is worried it will get in the way of my plans (uni, move to better area, but house etc). But he also said that ultimately it’s my decision and he will support me either way. Thank you :)

OP posts:
Original poster
kistermipling · 01/07/2023 01:40

ThePM · 30/06/2023 11:48

I remember reading about a woman in your position, she decided to terminate because she really couldn’t afford to support a baby at that time.

The important thing though, is that she used the situation as a driver to do really well at university and as a springboard to bring herself out of poverty. She succeeded in doing that and had her children later.

(I know someone who also used her termination as the impetus to get rid of her sub-par boyfriend)

You have a good life planned out, stick to plan-A.

Thank you. I’m definitely determined to do well at uni (I’ve done very well at all academic things before now), and I luckily have an amazingly supportive boyfriend. I really want a better life for myself.

OP posts:
creativebutterfly · 01/07/2023 01:41

Abortion is something I personally don't agree with, I had my first child after a fling and honestly the thought did cross my mind, but my family reacted better to the news of my pregnancy at the time then I expected and I realised I wanted to keep the baby after the shock had worn off and kept it - life wouldn't of been the same without keeping my baby.

If you can't look after the child, what about putting the child up for adoption ?

Original poster
kistermipling · 01/07/2023 01:42

CurlewKate · 30/06/2023 12:07

Decide what's best for you. Don't tell ANYONE else until you've had a chance to get your thoughts clearer. See if there's a Marie Stopes clinic near you-you can get advice there. It's tough-but you'll get through.

Thank you. I haven’t told anyone except my boyfriend and wouldn’t want to tell anyone else yet anyway. I’ve contacted MS online so hopefully that will help.

Thank you to everyone else who has offered advice, and for not judging. I appreciate it.

OP posts:
Original poster
kistermipling · 01/07/2023 01:45

creativebutterfly · 01/07/2023 01:41

Abortion is something I personally don't agree with, I had my first child after a fling and honestly the thought did cross my mind, but my family reacted better to the news of my pregnancy at the time then I expected and I realised I wanted to keep the baby after the shock had worn off and kept it - life wouldn't of been the same without keeping my baby.

If you can't look after the child, what about putting the child up for adoption ?

It’s crossed my mind, but I don’t think it would be for me. The idea of having a child out there that I’m not personally looking after would feel very odd. And also I currently work a very manual, physically challenging job and I wouldn’t be able to work in the last couple of months of pregnancy - and as I earn a low income as it is that would be a difficult position to be in. I’ll rethink my position obviously before doing anything.

OP posts:
creativebutterfly · 01/07/2023 01:59

@kistermipling

Ok I do understand, I hope you weigh up any options you may have and I wish you all the best with whatever you choose to do going forward.

neveradullmoment99 · 01/07/2023 03:46

MaryJean87 · 29/06/2023 13:17

If you want the baby, don't feel you have to terminate. I had my first at 20 and you just find a way to make it work if it's what you want. You'll probably be entitled to help with childcare costs while you're studying. Good luck whatever you decide x

This.
I had a baby at 19. We made it work. I was still living at home, had been going out with my bf for only a few months. Still together 30 years on...

Ponderingwindow · 01/07/2023 04:24

The message I am repeating to my teen dd over and over again is that once she becomes an adult, don’t ever let herself get into a relationship situation she can’t afford to leave. Most definitely don’t bring children into that situation. I tell her that as wonderful as her father, my husband is, I would kick him out in a heartbeat if he ever hurt me or her. I point out to her I can do that because I have a good education and a good job. She knows just enough about my childhood to understand why I consider this so important.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 01/07/2023 12:57

Ponderingwindow · 01/07/2023 04:24

The message I am repeating to my teen dd over and over again is that once she becomes an adult, don’t ever let herself get into a relationship situation she can’t afford to leave. Most definitely don’t bring children into that situation. I tell her that as wonderful as her father, my husband is, I would kick him out in a heartbeat if he ever hurt me or her. I point out to her I can do that because I have a good education and a good job. She knows just enough about my childhood to understand why I consider this so important.

This.

Hundreds of millions of embryos and feti are discarded every year via abortion, whether through miscarriage or intentional termination.

Our bodies (and minds and societies) were not meant to support every pregnancy. That's why it's physically and legally easy to end them.

Please don't botch your life at this crucial stage.

GreyCarpet · 01/07/2023 13:41

Ponderingwindow · 01/07/2023 04:24

The message I am repeating to my teen dd over and over again is that once she becomes an adult, don’t ever let herself get into a relationship situation she can’t afford to leave. Most definitely don’t bring children into that situation. I tell her that as wonderful as her father, my husband is, I would kick him out in a heartbeat if he ever hurt me or her. I point out to her I can do that because I have a good education and a good job. She knows just enough about my childhood to understand why I consider this so important.

Yep. I've taught my daughter the same.

Don't have a child until and unless you are in a position and willing, to support it yourself.

RudsyFarmer · 01/07/2023 13:45

I don’t want to tell any woman to have an abortion. My advice would be to sit down with your whole family (yours and his) and work out how to make it work alongside you studying.

What you don’t want to happen is to get stuck child raising, and yes once you have one you will have another one or two to give them siblings without large age gaps, and 15 years later you are trying to work out how to find a better paid job than retail or similar.

if you can plan it out and get family onboard you stand a chance of still building a life around your children.

Leah5678 · 01/07/2023 14:22

21 isn't that young I had my first at 16.
That aside think of the long term. Because time really does fly and times won't necessarily be hard forever. Think about which decision you'd be most likely to regret ten years from now

Plankingplanks · 01/07/2023 14:24

You can still go to uni if ypu keep the baby. It will be more difficult but it is possible. For the record I had my first at 21, started uni part time when he was 6 and then had 2 more babies whilst doing my degree part time.

Don't rush into anything. You have options.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 01/07/2023 15:00

RudsyFarmer · 01/07/2023 13:45

I don’t want to tell any woman to have an abortion. My advice would be to sit down with your whole family (yours and his) and work out how to make it work alongside you studying.

What you don’t want to happen is to get stuck child raising, and yes once you have one you will have another one or two to give them siblings without large age gaps, and 15 years later you are trying to work out how to find a better paid job than retail or similar.

if you can plan it out and get family onboard you stand a chance of still building a life around your children.

Wrong.

Perhaps she doesn't want to build a life around children. Or maybe not at least for another decade.

There is nothing wrong, shameful or selfish about terminating. It IS wrong and shameful to bear a child one has zero means of providing for.

SparklingMarkling · 01/07/2023 15:04

Listen to your own wants and your own intuition and that will be your best guide. Not other peoples opinions on mumsnet.

I had my first at 21 (I’m 34 now). I had three by 26, married at 27 then went to Uni. All a bit backwards and I would say not the easiest of routes but it’s worked out great for me. I knew I wanted to keep my baby.

anyway best of luck with your decision.

Ohhelpicantthinkofaname · 01/07/2023 15:17

you need to do what’s right for you and you alone. It’s a tough position to be in, I’ve been there myself so know how you feel.

I nearly aborted, but in the end I did decide to keep the baby. I was 19 when she was born and she’s now 18 herself.

the thing is though, I think things were a bit easier then for young parents. Rent was cheaper and the help you got seemed more meaningful. We got a 100% mortgage to buy our first house in a nice area when I was 20, I don’t think you could do that now. Yes, I worked in low paid jobs when they were small, but went to uni in my 30s and we’ve given our kids a good life.

there’s no shame in having an abortion and tbh if my dds were to become pregnant in your situation I would probably think it best for them to abort. But you need to do the best thing for you right now and the try not to agonise over what might have been whatever you decide. Sending you a hug.

RudsyFarmer · 01/07/2023 15:20

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 01/07/2023 15:00

Wrong.

Perhaps she doesn't want to build a life around children. Or maybe not at least for another decade.

There is nothing wrong, shameful or selfish about terminating. It IS wrong and shameful to bear a child one has zero means of providing for.

Show quote history

Pmsl at ‘wrong’! Who made you the ultimate authority?

toddlermom99 · 01/07/2023 15:22

I had a baby at 21 whilst in university. I get a very high maintenance loan (as it includes special support element + parents in education grant) and also got 85% of nursery fees paid for via childcare grant that student finance also provides. I also got top-up universal credit when I was a single mom. It's definitely doable to still work towards your career (just more difficult, obviously). But ultimately you are still so young and it would be more ideal to have your own place, baby have their own room etc so I understand your conflicting thoughts, I just wanted you to know that a lot of support is available for student moms.

TappingTed · 01/07/2023 15:24

I was told I was likely to become infertile at 26. I was glad I’d had my unplanned children then as I would have hated to face life without children in my future.
Nothing is guaranteed in life.

Tootyfilou · 01/07/2023 15:27

You have the rest of your reproductive life to have a child.
Follow your dreams and go to University. You will have a better chance of a good job. Don’t trap yourself into a life of poverty.

DesmondsLettuce · 01/07/2023 15:37

If you were my daughter I would be telling you that it is better to bring a baby into the world when you are financially stable, with your own place where you can provide all the things your baby needs. My son is 20 and in his second year at uni. Depending what field you want to go into after uni hopefully your starting salary will be a lot more than minimum wage.

This shouldn't be your only time to have a baby, you are so young. Go to uni, get a good job, get your own place and plan when to have a baby.

billy1966 · 01/07/2023 15:42

OP,

Definitely keep this information strictly between you and your boyfriend.

I have children your age who are loving university.

I would 100% recommend you stick to that plan and take advantage of your being able for university.

This is your chance to improve your life and future.

Having a child at 21 is hard.

You are barely out of childhood yourself and have so much living to do, before you commit to the enormous job of child rearing.

Hopefully some tablets will be enough to do this.

Feel no guilt.
Focus on your future.