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I've been cut out of the works night out.

63 replies

Queeny5 · 26/06/2023 12:00

I've name changed for this!

How would this make you feel?

For background, I'm an operations manager and the only woman in my team. I've been doing this job for around 10 years in various Trades. I work in a team of 7 men.

There has been quite a few problems which has lead me to look for another job. I'm basically treated like an assistant and a maid. I've had comments aimed at me like "this is a man's place" man's this man's that. I'm treated inadequate like some dumb woman. I ideally I wanted to avoid leaving without another job but this has just pushed me to want to just leave on the spot.

I was chatting to one of the men about a project I've just won and I just glanced at his screen and saw a WhatsApp group called "works night out" the message on there said "don't tell queeny5". The night out is apparently planned for this weekend.

I'm just fucking done with it. I have never experienced this level of shitty treatment for being a woman in this industry. I have always been treated with respect but this place is horrible for it. I can stand my own ground but I'm just done. I just want to quit right now and be done with it. Am I overreacting here? I feel shit. Why are people still going with these outdated views?!

OP posts:
SupremeCommanderServalan · 26/06/2023 12:03

Do you have a union? I'm thinking that sort of thing is classed as bullying behaviour.

Alphabet1spaghetti2 · 26/06/2023 12:05

You are looking for another job. Take this as a sign that you are definitely making the right decision.
i suppose you could inform HR, but I doubt anything would change for the better - if at all.

LeavesOnTrees · 26/06/2023 12:06

Yes it is bullying and absolutely disgraceful behaviour.
I don't think you should just quit but really concentrate on getting a new job asap.
Is there a boss, HR or someone higher up you can make an official complaint to ? It's good to keep complaints factual with dates.

Thelnebriati · 26/06/2023 12:09

Its not just bullying, they are treating you differently because of your sex. You might have a case for discrimination using The Equality Act. I suggest you phone ACAS today.

skgnome · 26/06/2023 12:10

It’s discrimination
honestly- do look for another job, now!
depending on the size of the company- it maybe worth going to HR
but do look for another job

WonderfulUsername · 26/06/2023 12:10

You need to report them before you leave.

NotOnYourNellies · 26/06/2023 12:11

Report them to your manager or HR

Cosycover · 26/06/2023 12:11

This is bullying surely?
What a bunch of wankers

JenniferBarkley · 26/06/2023 12:16

That's awful.

I would keep a record and then when you get a new job, report them and resign at the same time. Make it clear that the bullying has been sustained and made it impossible for you to stay.

You could report now, but it will likely be difficult and it might just be easier to deal with that shit once you have an exit strategy.

Shortpoet · 26/06/2023 12:23

Compensation in discrimination claims is “uncapped”, which means that there is no statutory maximum, unlike in Unfair Dismissal claims.

Id be having a conversation with HR.
Go with a list of incidents, keep it factual, dates what was said and done.

Ideally you don’t want to go to Employment Tribunal because that is stressful for everyone, but let HR think you are prepared to take them to tribunal.

You should be able to negotiate a Compromise agreement where they agree to pay you a lump sum on leaving and you agree in return not to take it further legally. Take some legal advice about a ball park figure but think a few months of salary. Ask for more than you will settle for and negotiate from there.

If it’s got to the point that you’re going to leave without a job anyway , then you might as well go this route. It won’t affect future employment (as part of the settlement you can agree the wording of your reference in advance).

Shortpoet · 26/06/2023 12:25

Do take legal advise before you do anything.

AlfietheSchnauzer · 26/06/2023 12:27

Borderline constructive dismissal

bonzaitree · 26/06/2023 12:29

Speak to a solicitor about a discrimination claim and keep evidence of absolutely everything.

start a diary, write down a time and date and who said what and who else heard. Keep it going for every single little thing you’ve heard.

this is not ok!

NewAnon · 26/06/2023 12:30

I'm sorry you're going through this.

If you have HR it's worth telling them, and explaining that they have created a hostile work environment (those exact words give HR the heebeejeebees) by means of sexist-bullying.

See if HR can remedy it to an extent that you can continue to work there until you have found another role.

Then write a review on - obv, giving credit to HR if they are worthy of it, but underpinning the reasons why you left. Sock it to 'em.

drpet49 · 26/06/2023 12:32

It is only bullying if it is an official works function.

Otherwise it’s just a bunch of mates getting together without you.

Georgyporky · 26/06/2023 12:32

I agree it's appalling behaviour, I was subjected to similar 20 years ago & thought it would have died out by now.

BUT, this night out is in their own time, & presumably nothing to do with the company?

DDivaStar · 26/06/2023 12:38

The comments about being a man's place are obviously completely out of order.

But if this isn't an official work do, then the group can invite who they like. In fact I'm sure there was a post on here last week thats exactly this in reverse and the concensus was the manager and hr should keep out of it as its in personal time.

Luckymum20 · 26/06/2023 12:51

I work in a male dominated industry, personally I like that fact that men feel they are superior to me and I use it to my advantage. Let them have their boys night out. You like the job and you clearly do very well at it. Do NOT give them the satisfaction of you quitting.

For reference all of my friends work in mixed / female environments and the level of bullsh*t and back stabbing they experience is far worst than my situation!

Play them at their own game.

C152 · 26/06/2023 12:52

If it was a one-off thing where they're just mates seeing each other outside of work, I wouldn't care. But, given the hostile environment it seems they've already created during working hours, I don't think you're overreacting. I've had the same happen (in fact, in two different work places, the men were frequently invited out by senior management - all men - and the women were not even told, even if the event was to celebrate success with their own client). It's really shit, but I would ignore it and carry on. In the current climate, I wouldn't quit without a job to go to, unless you've managed to save up at least a year's salary and have no dependants.

Qwaszx · 26/06/2023 12:55

The real issue is that they have no respect for you in the work environment. That's what you need to address.

As for spending an evening out with people you obviously don't like, I'd be thrilled not to have to go.

Pick your battles.

GCalltheway · 26/06/2023 13:00

All of the nice .YADNBU
I would be livid

Lwrenagain · 26/06/2023 13:00

This is absolute wank.
Look at a way of getting it to line your pocket.
I am still furious as myself for lying down and walking away after I was severely bullied by an old manager.
I wish I'd gone nuclear and I'll never forgive myself.

Cause a fucking riot and get some money in the process, you've a case here.

Fuck them. If they were having a night out meh, who cares, but to purposely have one you're not supposed to know about?
Oh fuck off you bunch of boring twats. Queeny has better shit to do with her time than socialise with you bunch of bellends.

I hope every table they sit at is wobbly.
I hope they stub every toe.
I hope every battery from their remotes never work, every light bulb blows within 10 seconds and milk explodes in their cars on hot days.


Queeny5 · 26/06/2023 13:00

Thanks for all the replies! It's honestly disgusting, I've never had to experience this. I'm 30 and I think they see me as some stupid woman who isn't as important as them. The truth is though, I'm actually the qualified one, they are here under timed served in the job. My opinions are dismissed, they ask me to do stupid things like washing the tea towels or washing the dirty cups. They do refer to me as their assistant when I'm not in any form. I'm just sick of it now. I've only been here 3 months so I don't know if I have a leg to stand on with ACAS.

This is a company night out. Each office organises their own. We have been given a day off to attend this, but I didn't know they was arranging anything, but now I know it's obviously been done in secret. It's just such shitty behaviour. Our HR is an online system ran by an external company. I don't think I'll get anywhere even complaining about it to them. I get my wages on Thursday so I'm holding out till then so they pay me on time. I've just won a huge project from a contact of mine and I'm telling them to not bother after this.

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