Child free group of friends. One friend has had a baby

[Shebaguinea]

I'm in a group of about 10 friends in our 40s. Always been child free. Lots of conversations about not wanting children. Several friends do not enjoy being around kids at all. Id prefer to not be around kids, but will phone it in and do my best to try to help out friend.

1 friend unexpectedly found herself pregnant after a short relationship and now has a small baby.

Things are now becoming difficult socially. Friend often requests help/babysitting/people to go to child friendly events and soft play etc. I do not babysit. Never changed a nappy, never wanted a child etc. but I've cleaned her house, helped with laundry, batch cooked for her etc.

She now wants more help and has suggested a babysitting rota so she gets a night off a fortnight. None of us want to do this. I've always helped with cooking and cleaning and have done lots of lifts for hospital and dr appointments...but I most definitely do not want to help with childcare. None of us do.

Are we awful people? Friend seems to want us to step in as family/other parent and help her. I'm happy to assist with other things but honestly I don't want to.

I had friends who became young parents and the amount of times I'd go around and sit with them, stay over to have takeaway and a bottle of wine, I've lost count. I did it for my friends.

You clearly missed the post where the OP said she’d ‘done this lots of times’. Also possibly the one saying that several of the friends would be happy to have lunches at child friendly places once a month or so, and the one about the OP doing regular deep cleaning & cooking.

It doesn't seem rational to me to not leave a baby with their own father. I went out for the first time when my baby was 2 weeks and he had overnights with family members from 6 weeks.

How about that, people including mothers are different.

I had friends who became young parents and the amount of times I'd go around and sit with them, stay over to have takeaway and a bottle of wine, I've lost count. I did it for my friends.

OP and friends have done this many times but it is not enough apparently.

From what has been said, it sounds like this friend now wants to dictate everything about their friendship and the entire friendship group.

She wants all outings to be on her terms. So, only child-friendly places and times. She doesn't want them go on holiday to a vineyard because she can't go. She wants them to babysit once a fortnight on a rota for free.

There's no mention of what she's bringing to the table in exchange for all of this. Only what she wants and expects. It's reasonable to expect some outings to be child-friendly whilst accepting that some won't be. For the ones that won't be, she either sits it out or pays for a sitter.

Many people have to adjust to the fact that life changes once you have a child, and you can't freely do the things you could before them. It's a peculiar thing to expect 10 child-free women to babysit on a rota. When some admit they don't like children, others don't have any experience.

Why not just pay for a sitter and have done?

Mumsnet is a bonkers place sometimes.

It takes a village!
Also
How dare this random stranger tell my child off for doing something dangerous!

The OP's friend has had a lot of support already from her friendship group. She can afford to buy in help - like a nanny or babysitters - so if she is so keen to have dating time then why doesn't she do this?

I am baffled by the posters on here who cannot understand why a group of childfree friends don't want to babysit. If you bought a horse would you expect your friendship group - who had no interest or experience in horses - to form a rota to look after it?

'I am baffled by the posters on here who cannot understand why a group of childfree friends don't want to babysit. If you bought a horse would you expect your friendship group - who had no interest or experience in horses - to form a rota to look after it?'

Very good point 😁

Theres still a very strong belief that motherhood is 'normal' and 'natural' while also being 'the hardest thing in the world ever' and so the needs of mothers must trump absolutely everything else. Apparently people who have chosen not to have children in their lives must all be queuing up for babysitting and cooing duties because mummy demands it. It may 'take a village' but not everyone is obliged to live in that village!

I'm childfree by choice and I would be the absolute last person I'd want to babysit if I was a parent. I don't hate kids, I just have no maternal instinct, no interest in babies and small kids and no experience. I wouldn't have a clue how to change a nappy, soothe a crying baby, sort bottles/food, deal with a toddler tantrum, entertain a small child etc. Which is probably why none of my friends or siblings have ever asked me to babysit!

Once they're about 10 or so, can have a relatively sensible conversation and are pretty much independent it's a different story and I'm happy to watch kids of that age, take them out on trips etc. I'm very close to my teen/young adult DNs so it doesn't seem to have harmed our relationship that I've never wiped their arse 😅

Your friend is crazy to want a bunch of reluctant women with zero experience and no interest in children to look after what is, presumably, the most precious thing in the world to her. Also OP I would rethink your offer to watch the baby when it gets older - toddlers aren't exactly easy (from what I've observed!). You sound like a lovely friend btw. Be careful of being taken advantage of WRT the cleaning/cooking etc.

Mumsnet is a bonkers place sometimes.

It takes a village!
Also
How dare this random stranger tell my child off for doing something dangerous!

Exactly! Parents want the labour of the village, and freedom to raid our pocketbooks, and our accommodation of all of their offsprings' screeching and screaming and other needs, but certainly not our opinions. Or god forbid, to provide any reciprocal consideration or assistance.

When the village gets a say in who procreates, when and how often, and how those offspring behave, that's when I sign up to be a part of it. Until then, parents can own and endure the consequences of their own voluntary actions and choices. The woman referenced in the OP had total control over her circumstances, chose these and now expects everyone else to ameliorate it for her. No thanks.

Only this parent. I don't have family near either- many of my friends are the same- but I have never heard of anyone drawing up a rota. Most parents have more sense.

but earlier you state you’re all happy to occasionally go somewhere baby friendly and affordable. Why even mention affordable if she is fine financially?

Unless you all told her you'd help out, I don't think you have to help.

However I feel for her - she's on her own with a baby and probably has to lose her main support because it's a group of friends defined by not having children. She's probably desperately lonely and exhausted but it's a transition she's going to have to make.

She sounds incredibly entitled.

I am currently pregnant with my first DC, most of my friends group already have DC and no one expects any childcare rota.

It sounds like you are already doing a lot for her (deep cleaning twice a week, batch cooking - I wish you could do that for me too ).

You said she is a high earner, so she can easily solve her childcare issues by getting a nanny / babysitter. She is being really unreasonable to expect you all to babysit her child.

She is even more unreasonable to be upset about a trip you are planning. I can imagine it must be difficult for her to adjust to having a child and not being able to join in, but she is quite naive if she didn't realize that having a baby will change things for her.

Your friend is very unreasonable. You are a star cooking and cleaning for her. I wouldn't do that. I love my friends but I can barely be bothered to cook and clean for myself. No way I'm babysitting a baby.

I also read the mum is asking to go to child friendly, affordable places for lunch. I think we’re getting a very one-sided version of what is happening. It’s like the story changes frequently to allow the OP to feel better about herself by having hundreds of strangers slagging off her friend.
Regardless of that though it seems she hasn’t actually taken the time to sit with her friend and talk about the situation. Everyone is assuming this is about dating but (maybe I’m wrong) I don’t recall reading that. Maybe the friends go out an evening or two every week and she’s hoping they’ll help so she can attend some of them.
We have no indication of her mental or emotional state. Or her physical state for that matter. OP also states she “often” wants to attend a child friendly restaurant, not always. To me this woman has been left alone raising this baby by the father, she doesn’t have local family and possibly is worrying about her finances. She has turned to her long time friends for help and not only will they not help, they’re ridiculing her. I think it’s heartbreaking for the mum. Not once has it said they’ve discussed this with her, it doesn’t say she expects a long term, strict rota either. It seems quite plausible she is asking if on some of their regular social nights, her friends would take turns babysitting so she can attend.

I honestly believe that if someone posted on here saying they were always alone, depressed and had asked her close friends for help, due to family living away, and they had all instead started bitching about her by WhatsApp, the response would’ve been very different. Things happen in life we don’t expect; I know this is an extreme example but if one friend got cancer because they chose to smoke or drink, would you say no to helping as you never wanted to be a carer and they made the choice to smoke?

Not sure I believe OP on that one. She states it after previously stating “we’ll go somewhere child friendly and affordable once a month”. If money wasn’t an issue she would have said affordable.

Ok @Divorcednursemummy lets say the friend posted here.

She posted a thread about how she was part of a friendship group of all child-free women and she’d just had a baby.

One of the friends helps out with cooking, cleaning and giving her lifts but she wants more. Her friends go out on social outings and they’re not always child- friendly and they’re also about to go on holiday to a place that’s not child friendly.

She wants to demand that they now only go to child friendly places so she can attend every outing and they can’t go on this holiday because she can’t go. She doesn’t place any burden on the actual dad, but she has money and she doesn’t need to.

Then, she queries if she should put her friends on a babysitting rota every fortnight because she needs a break to go on dates and reclaim her pre baby life. Her friends need to step up.

She makes no mention of how the dad needs to step up. Just her friends.

What reaction do you think she would get? I suspect you’re the same category of entitled CF as OPs friend at this point and think all those are reasonable demands.

The friend is asking for ALL social outings to include her and be child friendly because she seemingly refuses to pay for childcare.

You’ve no reason to not believe, OP. I suspect you’re trying to throw doubt because you know you’re as ridiculous as her friend is.

So a group of friends formed entirely around the shared desire of not wanting children and being happy with that decision should be expected to change their lives and choices just because one person decided to have a child? There is nothing childish about choosing a life not involving children. The level of entitlement in your post is staggering. 'Friends should start to build a relationship with the child' they don't want to ! They have actively chosen to not interact with children! Why do you think anyone has the right to override their personal choices?

I know this is an extreme example but if one friend got cancer because they chose to smoke or drink, would you say no to helping as you never wanted to be a carer and they made the choice to smoke?

I'm not sure you can equate getting cancer with the choice someone has made to keep a baby from a ONS when she has no support from either her family or the father. No-one actually chooses to get cancer. OP's friend made that choice.
But yeah, call me hard hearted but I wouldn't want to be elected for the role of carer to a cancer patient unless there was no other choice. A caring role is bloody hard work. I'd help, but there'd be limits to it.

Friends should start to build a relationship with the child gradually Why?

Maybe you would even like being with the baby, if you'd give it a chance

They don't want to give it a chance. They've chosen to be childfree. That means they don't want babies in their lives. They don't want to bear them, they don't want to babysit them, they don't want to help their friend rear hers and they don't want to give up their childfree gatherings.

That comment is on a par for stupidity with telling a woman who doesn't like children and doesn't want them that 'it's different when they're your own.'

No she said they went child friendly and less expensive

She didn't say the friend wanted less expensive, she said they went somewhere less expensive

Maybe as a group they all go in for fine dining and it made a change to go to a less expensive place

If there are 9 people and one of them babysits one evening every other week I would not mind being part of the rota because it would mean babysitting 2/3 times a year. I'd do that for a single mum friend in a heartbeat. If not all of the nine friends are willing then I would still offer to do it 2 times a year.

What the hell? I had 3 kids, I have never in my life asked a friend to do anything for me. My kid sister babysat my first kid a few times, so me and my husband could go out once in a while, and my mum looked after him during the day, a few days per week, so I could work. She's the one who had a kid, not the rest of you, it's her responsibility to look after her kid and her home. If she doesn't like it, she should have been more careful!!

I do have reason. She initially specifically stated they’re willing to go to affordable places once a month. Why mention affordable if cost was not an issue?
We have no real information regarding her attempts to get dad to be involved, ever tried to force a man to step up when he’s decided not to?
OP has not once mentioned talking to her friend about this, just that they now use separate WhatsApp groups to disclude her. Between 10 friends babysitting would be 2-3 times a year, doesn’t seem like a big ask.
The story also changed from “often” asks them to go somewhere baby friendly to always.
yes the holiday request in unreasonable however I can also imagine this poor mum, being very aware her friends would now prefer not accommodate her, receiving a message about a holiday she cannot go on and I can imagine how she must feel. No it is not up to the friends to permanently change their lives however they could help her to find a suitable support group. Offer to go with her to a mums group, hold the baby when they’re there so she can have a brew and talk to the other mums. You throwing your accusation at me just proves what I felt about this post, some people enjoy putting other mums down so they can feel superior. Whatever happened to empathy?
The main thing I notice though, and btw I have amazing family and friends therefore I have not been in the mums situation (however I made one of my best friends by offering to take her baby for a few hours in the school yard, when we were just school mum friends, because I could see she was exhausted) but I immediately wondered about this mums mental health when OP stated the baby is 11 months old and still doesn’t sleep over 2 hours!!!