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Original poster

Urgent decision to make: Adhd and boarding school - those with ADHD or who have / had a child with ADHD board

69 replies

inabind83 · 23/06/2023 06:16

I could really do with your thoughts and experience, as I need to make a decision in the next couple of weeks.

My 13 year old son has ADHD. He is on medication and it certainly eases things but he remains very disorganised and obviously wears off after 12 hours so evenings are fairly chaotic because he’s so easily distracted. Intensive parenting is required to get him out the door to school every morning (I drive him as 6 miles away). It is EXHAUSTING for me and we very often clash.

He is very bright and sporty. Consequently he has been offered a very sizeable scholarship to a boarding school. It is ideal in so many respects. Only an hour away, so I can visit and he can come home regularly, it’s got spectacular facilities, superb pastoral care and, most importantly, my son is DESPERATE to go.

i am a single parent (mother) in a small flat, and he struggles in this environment and will only even more as he grows and puberty really kicks in.

BUT I worry so much about him boarding. Great pastoral care but this is not by any stretch a special school for ND children.

Added to which, it is co Ed. And I worry hugely about my very easily distracted boy being even more distracted!!

and to throw a further issue in to the equation…. He has a place at a boys grammar school on the table also. This is local. Boys only. Also sporty and very academic. Issue is - he would be at home, small flat, single mother and the difficulties and exhaustion involved with organising him and consequent clashes would continue.

please help!

OP posts:
unlikelychump · 23/06/2023 06:17

Boarding school
I know it has hated here,:but lots of people thrive there

RedHelenB · 23/06/2023 06:19

What school is he at now?

Justfeckoffwiththeovulating · 23/06/2023 06:19

If I could give me ADHD child that opportunity, then I would do in a heartbeat. Would the grammer school still be an option if things went wrong?
Would you be ok without him?
It's a massive change if it's just the two of you currently.
Hugs from one lone parent to another

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

13 year olds General education Private schooling SEN
Moopyhereagain · 23/06/2023 06:20

Sometimes decisions are not right or wrong, they are just a choice that take us down a certain path. And this one isn’t undoable once made. (Moving schools happens frequently if things don’t work out- not ideal but not a drama in the long term) Personally- if he wants to board I would send him given all the other factors.

Moopsi · 23/06/2023 06:24

If he is desperate to go to boarding school and you said no would his resentment cause further problems between you?

Is the boarding school aware of his ADHD and can they put in place strategies for him?

Ultimately it sounds to me personally ad if its a great opportunity for him and if it doesn't work out he can come home and go to a local school.

Original poster
inabind83 · 23/06/2023 06:32

RedHelenB · 23/06/2023 06:19

What school is he at now?

Prep school to 13

OP posts:
DaisyWaldron · 23/06/2023 06:33

If the school has great pastoral care and he wants to go there, then it sounds like a good thing. I have ADHD and in many ways, the right boarding school can fit in really well with ADHD needs - regular routine but also plenty to do and the opportunity to try lots of new and different things. I would want to make sure that there would be a peaceful place he could go to when feeling overstimulated/exhausted, and if he struggles with sleep to think about how the school would manage that, and also how positive they are about fresh starts when he makes mistakes.

Original poster
inabind83 · 23/06/2023 06:33

I would really love to hear from mumsnetters with ADHD or with children with ADHD if around? TIA

OP posts:
Original poster
inabind83 · 23/06/2023 06:34

Thank you @DaisyWaldron !

OP posts:
Original poster
inabind83 · 23/06/2023 06:38

Sorry got to dog walk now but will return and thank you

OP posts:
Whataretheodds · 23/06/2023 06:40

Is the boarding school aware of his ADHD and can they put in place strategies for him?

This is key.

Justfeckoffwiththeovulating · 23/06/2023 06:40

I have an adhd child who is approaching secondary and I know they're just going to fail in a comprehensive secondary. They're not particularly academic and I just see them coasting or being disruptive. That's unless the school refusal continues and they drop out completely.
Good points about boarding is more stability in terms of environment. Like you said, your home situation isn't ideal. If he wants to then if I'd let him try it.

francesthebadger · 23/06/2023 06:49

Thing is, he's developmentally likely to be a few years behind his peers (emotional regulation etc) and I would worry both that he needs your unconditional love, and space in which it is acceptable for him to be himself. You don't want him to be in a situation in which he is compelled to mask around the clock, or where he gets lots of negative feedback for being himself. (School's can sometimes keep banging on about some aspects of ADHD as though they were moral deficits rather than adjusting for them).

RequiresUpdating · 23/06/2023 06:56

I'd be checking a few things very carefully.
What support will they offer him? Both in boarding house and academically.
What is the support like if things go wrong (bullying)?
How many people does he have to share a room with - a double is very different to 6/8/12?
How is he on a social level - does he have delay due to ADHD and how will the school help him with this?
What happens if he can't keep up either academically or sport wise? Will he lose the scholarship? What will you do then?
Is the scholarship dependent on e.g. good grades and never having detention?

Giraffesanddance · 23/06/2023 07:05

I have a DS with ADHD.

I do know parents whose DC with adhd have gone to weekly boarding but that has all been to specialist schools.

Personally I’d worry about the school being able to manage his adhd ( do they have the knowledge to?) and also the point above about it meaning that he feels he has to mask the whole time. Will he be able to meet the expectations for behaviour etc, particularly when going through puberty? Does he struggle with emotional regulation - you don’t mention this? i know that generally secondary can be when things tend to get far more challenging for many children with adhd, even ones that have coped at primary.

ultimately though you know your child best and I’m sure you can make the right decision! I am also a single parent (2 DC) so completely get how challenging life is with a DC with adhd, and how it dominates everything.

JWR · 23/06/2023 07:17

Dd with adhd weekly boarded for sixth form and in hindsight would have helped at 13. She was in private school all the way through and we chose to not move her to a state grammar at 11 because it was obvious that their “sweat the small stuff” discipline policy-detention for not having a purple pen type thing-would have destroyed her. I was in awe of how completely calm the house mother was about the state of her room though!

Original poster
inabind83 · 23/06/2023 07:33

Whataretheodds · 23/06/2023 06:40

Is the boarding school aware of his ADHD and can they put in place strategies for him?

This is key.

They are yes.

but not a school with a particular speciality in ND children by any stretch

OP posts:
Original poster
inabind83 · 23/06/2023 07:34

JWR · 23/06/2023 07:17

Dd with adhd weekly boarded for sixth form and in hindsight would have helped at 13. She was in private school all the way through and we chose to not move her to a state grammar at 11 because it was obvious that their “sweat the small stuff” discipline policy-detention for not having a purple pen type thing-would have destroyed her. I was in awe of how completely calm the house mother was about the state of her room though!

This is my predicament I’m in

are you pleased with your decision and was she happy and thrived?

OP posts:
Original poster
inabind83 · 23/06/2023 07:35

Very grateful to you all.

It is so preoccupying

OP posts:
DancingLedgend · 23/06/2023 07:46

Waiting for ADHD offspring to get up, so I can ask her how it felt to her (weekly boarding)-and what her percerption of boys with ADHD at boarding school was.
Unsuprisingly, there may not be time to do this before we leave the house, so probably won't reply before this evening.

Original poster
inabind83 · 23/06/2023 07:47

DancingLedgend · 23/06/2023 07:46

Waiting for ADHD offspring to get up, so I can ask her how it felt to her (weekly boarding)-and what her percerption of boys with ADHD at boarding school was.
Unsuprisingly, there may not be time to do this before we leave the house, so probably won't reply before this evening.

Thanks so much

how old is she?

OP posts:
DancingLedgend · 23/06/2023 07:48

24, not diagnosed until at Uni.

Original poster
inabind83 · 23/06/2023 07:48

By any chance does anyone have experience of Eastbourne college on this thread?

OP posts:
Original poster
inabind83 · 23/06/2023 07:49

DancingLedgend · 23/06/2023 07:48

24, not diagnosed until at Uni.

From your perspective, how did boarding go for her?

OP posts:
jfshu · 23/06/2023 07:57

This probably won't be any use whatsoever as our children sound very different, but will say it anyway! One of the issues my son struggles with as part of his ADHD is a huge lack of self esteem, it's a tough task trying to bolster his confidence and constant battle to treat him equally to his brother to not cause feelings of unfairness. I think he'd struggle with boarding school, not because he's not outgoing (he is and has no issue with separation) but do wonder how he would process being "sent away" and if it was a standard boarding school how he would cope against the other students, plus potentially less decompression time in the evening, not having home to come to and switch off (and take his day out on us ha....) I feel he would implode in BS. It just feels like something his ADHD would struggle with rather than something that would help it.

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