Urgent decision to make: Adhd and boarding school - those with ADHD or who have / had a child with ADHD board

[inabind83]

I could really do with your thoughts and experience, as I need to make a decision in the next couple of weeks.

My 13 year old son has ADHD. He is on medication and it certainly eases things but he remains very disorganised and obviously wears off after 12 hours so evenings are fairly chaotic because he’s so easily distracted. Intensive parenting is required to get him out the door to school every morning (I drive him as 6 miles away). It is EXHAUSTING for me and we very often clash.

He is very bright and sporty. Consequently he has been offered a very sizeable scholarship to a boarding school. It is ideal in so many respects. Only an hour away, so I can visit and he can come home regularly, it’s got spectacular facilities, superb pastoral care and, most importantly, my son is DESPERATE to go.

i am a single parent (mother) in a small flat, and he struggles in this environment and will only even more as he grows and puberty really kicks in.

BUT I worry so much about him boarding. Great pastoral care but this is not by any stretch a special school for ND children.

Added to which, it is co Ed. And I worry hugely about my very easily distracted boy being even more distracted!!

and to throw a further issue in to the equation…. He has a place at a boys grammar school on the table also. This is local. Boys only. Also sporty and very academic. Issue is - he would be at home, small flat, single mother and the difficulties and exhaustion involved with organising him and consequent clashes would continue.

please help!

Thank you

He doesn’t seem to suffer from self esteem issues mainly because he generally does very well academically and in sport but I do worry about the downtime.

Those on meds…. What’s the longevity until they wear off?

Hi OP.
DD2 diagnosed at uni like PP above. Boarded, but at specialist music school so way above average numbers ND pupils, children from abroad. Practice and lessons/rehearsals took up half the day so minimal time in the classroom. In that sense it was a good fit. Emotionally, less so, but we were further away.

Puberty can mean a sea change in character & self-image. If an academic hothouse, it might get toxically competitive. Sports ability a big plus, likely to be on first teams?

Is it s sought after school? Hard to get in, generally?

Is he popular, easy going & well liked by peers?

Not an academic hot house no.

yes sociable and confident but immature and consequently has the mickey taken out of him quite a bit

I have no advice on the ADHD aspect of it, but my DH went to Eastbourne College and we have several friends children who currently go there. Educationally it’s very good and if we could afford it we would send DD there. Pastorally, it was ok when DH was there (who was a very shy anxious child) and I haven’t heard anything negative from the recent/current students or families. I’d give it a try, it could be the making of him.

Also, would he be open with you about niggles & emotional issues? There’s a chance school won’t pick up.

People at say, junior school, wouldn't have guessed she had ADHD, she was in some ways a model pupil. Could do her lessons fine, didn't play up or act out.
Never been 'hyper'- my understanding is that that is rarer in girls.
Has difficulty organising herself, and in this respect I think she found living at school easier; more structure, more cues as to what to do when, everyone's leaving for class now, so you follow them.
I think she had more social life than at any other point in her life, and the nature of the school; meant she took part in sports matches, CCF (enjoyed the camps), DoE, organised hobbies. This is in contrast to a state primary, where she would and did opt out of school extras, and never stayed long in out of school organisations(Guides etc). So that aspect was good.

Educationally, it was way better for her than the State alternative.

She never got into trouble much- she doesn't have the poor impulse control that many boys have, and is intelligent enough not to get caught when rule breaking.
There were certainly pupils more challenging to the school than she was:and private schools lose a paying customer (or a whole family of them!) if they exclude, so seemed to me to have a more intelligent approach to solving problems with behaviour- although some behaviours, like being rude to teachers,are completely unacceptable. The calmer behaviour in the school, compared to the more chaotic atmosphere in the state school was certainly helpful to her. The contrast in the vibe of say, the dining hall at lunch time was very marked, and that was good for her.
She experienced mental health problems in her later years, and the school was exceptional. They gave her a place in sixth form, even though she'd missed taking most of her GCSEs, and stuck with her, when they could have taken her scholarship away.I know for a fact that she'd have been bumped from the school roll at the State school my boys attended- she'd have impacted thier attendance stats too much.

One of my boys has more typical 'boy' ADHD, with poor impulse control. How would he have got on in her school? Hard to say. My clear perception is that they would have seen past his dyslexia,and valued his wit and keen intelligence. I think he would have respected them more.That they would have tried to direct his 'can't sit still' energy into sports and activities- that he wouldn't have had to be 'one of the good kids' to get a part in a school play(the way it was in his state school), and things like that would have been great for him. He definitely would have gained, and shone in some areas. Tbh, he might have gone too far, and got expelled.(Bear in mind, he is exteremly challenging). Or it might have been just what he needed.We'll never know.

The school said, when I first looked round,"We're good at finding what each child is good at", and that was true.
Would that be true of the school you're considering?

It depends like ever on both schools in question

A pp said their grammar school was a "detention for no purple pen one". In our area the grammar school option was the one least like this! The mainstream schools leant more in that direction but the grammar had a lot of flexibility and lessons weren't taught by numbers either.

I'd be worried whether they could fully cater for the adhd away from home. Will there be a TA who can help him organise the books he needs in the morning for example? Or the prompts between lessons? What actual accommodations have they said they'd put in (ie what would be in his plan). A general "oh yes we can do it" is very different to seeing if he'd be in detention regularly for organisational issues.

OP I'm usually not a fan of boarding but I say 100% go for it in this scenario. He sounds like he'd thrive there, and I think you'd both always regret never trying it, if you turn it down. He desperately wants to go, he's sporty, he's academic, he's on scholarship, go for it!

I'm not minimising the ADHD issue at all, I know that must worry you, but lots of kids will be approaching puberty with lots of different stressors (like struggling terribly academically, or being dyspraxic and hating sport, or having anxiety, etc etc) and I think when you have an opportunity like this, grab it with both hands, and manage the situation as you go. You sound like an attentive parent and on the ball, and I think it'd be a great choice.

The worst possible scenario is that he leaves and goes to the grammar if it doesn't work out but I think it will.

I think it's also about how ADHD presents in your child. In my child's case (11) the daily routine and structure would probably help a lot but he would struggle with the emotional regulation and potentially the constant over stimulation. He would also struggle with too much discipline, e.g. if there are consequences for being late or disorganised and that becomes a constant thing he has to deal with. Does your child get overwhelmed or have meltdowns? We scaffold our child a lot at home to compensate for all they have to manage during the day at school.

The "worst case scenario" isn't grammar - as his place at grammar will be lost to another child.

Have you looked round both the grammar and then boarding school (presumably you did before you applied!) What did you think? Have you spoken to both Sendcos? What impression did you get? What adjustments would both put in place?

On the surface the boarding school looks great with sense of routine and lots of exercise (shown to help adhd) but what if he isn't managing organisation well? What happens? Who helps? What about emotional regulation? What does he currently do to regulate? Can he do that there? Etc.

I have severe ADHD but was diagnosed as an adult, it wasn't diagnosable in the UK until the late 90's. I also had a scholarship to a boarding school. It was an absolute disaster for me, and this is largely down to the ADHD. If you accept for the emotional regulation development delay of ADHD I had the executive age of a 7 year old when I started. My symptoms didn't improve with the regulation and independence required at boarding, I just always felt like a failure for not being able to organise myself.

Consequently after years of trauma I turned to drugs and abusive relationships after I was finally able to leave. I wasn't allowed to leave despite being miserable because it was considered such an amazing opportunity. The difference is, your son really wants to go. I didn't. As much as I have huge issues with boarding school, I think the risk is significantly lessened if the child wants to go AND if you are willing to pull him out if the reality is not what he expects. Reiterate to him that he can change his mind whenever he wants and mean it.

Very helpful @User1438423

Were you on medication?

at work now but will return and so grateful

Sorry, my post turned into a stream of conciousness about my DC.

I asked DD; she overall didn't like the school, whilst appreciating some of the teaching and opportunities.
Overall, for a DC with ADHD, she said private is a no-brainer: smaller classes, more indivdual attention, better resourced SEN department.
But it depends so much on the individual school. And that the compulsory sports, hours and hours more a week than in state, might be helpful.

I hadn't really anticipated how huge the socio-economic, cultural, political gulf between our family and most of the other parents would be. DD was on scholarship and huge bursary, I was skint single parent. That was difficult for her, and I've seen difficulties for other similar kids. As you're already privately educating, I assume none of these factors would apply.

How has your son got on at prep?

Do you have a perceptive and intelligent Head there, and what's their advice?

If your son really wants it, I'd say there are many advantages to private schools, and in the end, you'll only know by giving it a go.

What's your gut reaction to the 2 schools?

Have you spoken to their SEN depts?

I certainly wouldn't assume that boarding would be a problem- unless school as a whole is a 'square peg in a round hole' situation, as it always was for my son- in which case, the shorter hours there, the better.

DS was diagnosed with ADHD in year 10. Weekly boarder. Overall probably worked better in terms of his happiness and our relationship.

Meds helped - in 6th form his doctor gave him a med he could take in the evening as an addition when his daytime med has worn off.

However in general he struggled at night with homework - in lower years his matron and SEN team helped. Although he wasn't diagnosed with ADHD he has dyslexia so they helped get him organised. Mixed results tbh - I would have been able to give him more structure at home but they did a lot to help and we all kept the show on the road.

We had several occasions when he left important book or homework at school , or school shoes at home etc as travelling back and forth but got better at it over time.

His room was consistently a mess and his matron despaired but she was fantastic and used to leave him a mini bar if his room was tidy which really helped!

Overall I'd say it's about the school. Do they understand him and will they help him. Is the culture good and supportive (teachers, boarding staff and students). DS school v forgiving and supportive of mistakes and helping teens grow up in a supportive environment. It turned out to be good choice for him

I am so grateful for your thoughts and insights.

It is difficult because I feel like we are at a real fork in terms of how his life will pan out and I am so desperate for him to be happy.

any more experiences or thoughts wold be hugely appreciated

One element of boarding is that I think it will protect my relationship with him, which is fragile during school term time due to the intensive parenting required and the flare ups between us but flourishes in school holidays

Boarding school. My ADHD godson went and honestly it’s the only thing that saved him and his mum’s relationship. Obviously only because he wants to go.

The school (big Co-Ed) we’re supportive although I think they could have been more on top of it day to day.

So, I’d go see them and talk to them about what support they can offer and how you and they can monitor his progress.

If the other option is a grammar school, I'd definitely choose the boarding school. They won't cater for chaotic. He'll just be constantly in detention.

This. My son has adhd OP, and I would guess your worry is that someone who isn’t a parent having to understand the meltdowns, or give to 2000 reminders and cajoles to get stuff down every morning and every night. People often don’t understand that a lot of Adhd parenting is handling the extremes of the condition. When my son is upset or has fallen out with a friend, the panic and upset is real. Then he’s mates with them the next day! It always seems like my job to cushion it, provide love and a bit of perspective and I know it feels like only I can do that (lone parent also).

however…. i probably have been guilty of underestimating him too!! I see him in situations at school events where I’m thinking ‘oh holy fuck, he’s gonna drop/spill/break that…’ but he acquits himself excellently. Yes it could be masking but I think its more me. As another poster pointed out, this is just a path to choose and a change can be made? If he really wants to go then I would consider it. Alsob bearing in mind that he really truly understands what every day and night might feel like, as I’m sure like my lad, he can carried away at the vaguest of ideas without spending time really thinking about the detail!

That's a sweeping generalisation there.

The grammar school mine are in are fantastic and and have a lot of accommodations. They rarely gave detentions unlike some of the local schools who are more "no excuses"

There's also less work set at the grammar. But people even locally peddle the myths that its stricter/more work when it truly isn't. It is a calm environment unlike most secondaries and is a fantastic school.

Obviously all schools vary but I don't like this "oh it's a grammar it must be like X
"

I asked early on what accommodations they'd put in place at boarding and of they'd help with organisation of books etc in the morning as part of an iep/ehcp equivalent. Or if he'd end up in trouble constantly and away from home.

Really the generalisations don't help. There's been a lovely example from a boarding school above and if this one is as accommodating that would be great. But Not All Boarding Schools just like Not All Grammars.

Certainly it would be much easier for you to have him at school Monday to Friday and it sounds like he's very keen to go. So it's just a case of talking with their sendco about accommodations for adhd in a "what happens if they do x""will you help support orgnaisationally" etc.

How often has he spent nights away from you op (like at his dads)? How is his getting to sleep pattern and staying asleep? Will he have to administer his meds?

Definitely boarding schooling he really wants to go. He will be bitter if you stop him from going.

I regret not sending my adhd son to boarding school. He says himself now that he would have done better with the structure. My son is also very sporty and eventually found his routine in his chosen sport where he competes at a high level.

I influenced one of his GCSE subject choices. There was a very rational reason to do so. It didn't go well and he was bitter for several years afterwards.

The teenage years were very challenging. I think our relationship would have been much better if he had gone to boarding school.

Hi. ADHD mum with ADHD (primary school) child. One thing I'm noticing about British schools is that the help for Special Needs kids can be spotty. Since Covid, there have been a lot of ADHD diagnoses and many schools are scrambling to catch up. Most schools claim that their SEND departments are wonderful, that they can give students the support they need, but when I talk to the parents, I often hear otherwise. ADHD students can have a wide range of challenges, so I suggest you ask a lot of questions from the school itself as well as parents of SEND kids currently attending to judge if your son will receive adequate support.