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Original poster

I hate my 4 yr old

73 replies

anonymous202321 · 17/06/2023 10:46

He is my 3rd child and i don't have any issue with the other two.
Since he was born we didn't really bond i loved him but it felt different to my other two.

He is very challenging. He hits breaks things runs away. every meal time he throws food etc. Screams all the time.

I can get rough with him which i know is wrong but something takes over sometimes.

im fucking him up i know that but i dont know how to stop

OP posts:
BorisJohnsonsMissingComb · 17/06/2023 10:49

Do you have any support? Being rough with him won't help and is wrong, but you know that.

Were your other dc easier in terms of behaviour? I've found that my youngest is a lot more challenging than my eldest ever was. But no two kids are ever the same, it doesn't make them better or worse, just different.

It sounds like you need some support from friends, family, maybe professionals to cope with him.

TheOwlChronicles · 17/06/2023 10:54

'Being rough with him' shouldn't 'take over' at all

You should speak to your GP or social services and ask to be signposted for help

Original poster
anonymous202321 · 17/06/2023 10:54

My daughters behaviour was similar but i coped fine with with it.
We have no friends or family to help

OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

4 year olds Behaviour & development Families
questitcle · 17/06/2023 10:56

No wonder he is misbehaving if he has a parent who hasn't bonded with him and is physical towards him.

aliensprig · 17/06/2023 11:01

questitcle · 17/06/2023 10:56

No wonder he is misbehaving if he has a parent who hasn't bonded with him and is physical towards him.

Super helpful 👍

Original poster
anonymous202321 · 17/06/2023 11:05

He deserves a better mummy and i hate the fact im fucking him up. He would be better off without me. His dad could meet someone else to be his new nice mummy but im too fucking selfish and scared to to do it. I can't even do that for him

OP posts:
SoVerySophie · 17/06/2023 11:05

When you say 'rough'.....?

WhatNoRaisins · 17/06/2023 11:10

Have you spoken to your health visitor or GP about how you're feeling? 3 kids with no support for your family is a tough ask.

Zarataralara · 17/06/2023 11:14

Speak to your GP or HV, they’re there to help you and your son. I had an easy child and a difficult child ( can still remember the crying and moaning that went on and on and on) everything improved hugely once they started school so fingers crossed for you. Do seek out some help though, this situation is making you and probably him, miserable.

rebbles1 · 17/06/2023 11:18

You sound depressed. Get some help for that and things will start to seem better. Xxx

Lostinplaces · 17/06/2023 11:26

You sound very depressed, do you have a local children’s centre where you can seek support? They will be able to sign post you and get you on support groups and programmes to help you manage his behaviour and your reactions to him.

Softoprider · 17/06/2023 11:33

OP. I get what you are saying. My grandson is a bit of a nightmare as well. Sometimes my daughter looks so tired because he really gives her the runaround, and he is not very nice to me when he is with her.
He gets the best of everything. She is a wonderful mother but his behaviour is challenging a lot of the time.

What I want to say to you is what I say to her and that is she is the epicentre of his world and things will get better. You just have to keep on doing what you do because a four year old is still pushing boundaries big time.
If you feel like getting rough, walk away and have time out. I really feel for you. It is tough looking after little ones especially when their behaviour makes them hard to love

questitcle · 17/06/2023 11:33

@aliensprig if the glove fits 🤷‍♀️

Softoprider · 17/06/2023 11:34

Other posters please do not say mean things to someone who is clearly struggling and has been brave enough to say so

Original poster
anonymous202321 · 17/06/2023 11:35

Our hv is useless. Been trying to get him help for something unrelated for ages now. Left messages for months now!!

When i say rough i mean things like this morning.
He bit my arm so i pushed him with ny arm that he was biting to let go and i shouted at him 😞

OP posts:
fireflyloo · 17/06/2023 11:37

Does your dc go to nursery? Can you ask them to make an early help referral for some family support? If he doesn't go you can look up your local authorities local offer and self refer.
I think you'd benefit from video interaction guidance (vig) an intervention that can help to develop attunement with your child and help to develop a more positive two way relationship.

questitcle · 17/06/2023 11:41

Softoprider · 17/06/2023 11:34

Other posters please do not say mean things to someone who is clearly struggling and has been brave enough to say so

I get this but the news is also full of stories of kids being abused by their parents to the point where they die. There are multiple threads where people are outraged that nothing has been done in these cases yet here we can't say anything mean (I think what you actually mean is truthful) to the OP. Going 'there there it's ok' to someone who has essentially admitted abusing their child helps no one, especially the poor child. The OP needs to sort herself out, go to the GP get help, do something! If his behaviour still doesn't improve after that then maybe something else is going on but sorry I'm not going to go 'well done for being so brave' to someone who says they hate their child.

blondewhoneedshelp · 17/06/2023 11:48

Wow wow wow, stop. You are being too hard on yourself. Take a moment. Step back and look internally. You are struggling. You are unhappy. You are stressed. You are upset. You feel overwhelmed, possibly trapped. This DOESNT make you a bad person or a bad mother. This makes you someone who needs help. Everybody needs help at some point or another. You’ve stated you have no friends or family to help, that must be so hard for you.
You are worried about ‘fucking up’ your child. You are wanting him to have a ‘better mum’ this shows you love him and you care. Just because you’re struggling, doesn’t mean that there is no way things can get easier or better.

Call your GP. Please make that a priority. Do not be ashamed of asking for help. That is the first step to being a responsible mother. Knowing when it’s time to call on back up. This is a very hard situation and you’re handling it alone which is so tough. You can make it through this but you can’t do it alone. Message me if you need to vent. Don’t judge yourself. You’re brave for acknowledging that something needs to change.

Softoprider · 17/06/2023 11:49

@questitcle

Those parents who hurt their children don't come on here asking for help.

Softoprider · 17/06/2023 11:50

@blondewhoneedshelp
Wow wow wow, stop. You are being too hard on yourself. Take a moment. Step back and look internally. You are struggling. You are unhappy. You are stressed. You are upset. You feel overwhelmed, possibly trapped. This DOESNT make you a bad person or a bad mother. This makes you someone who needs help. Everybody needs help at some point or another. You’ve stated you have no friends or family to help, that must be so hard for you.
You are worried about ‘fucking up’ your child. You are wanting him to have a ‘better mum’ this shows you love him and you care. Just because you’re struggling, doesn’t mean that there is no way things can get easier or better.

Call your GP. Please make that a priority. Do not be ashamed of asking for help. That is the first step to being a responsible mother. Knowing when it’s time to call on back up. This is a very hard situation and you’re handling it alone which is so tough. You can make it through this but you can’t do it alone. Message me if you need to vent. Don’t judge yourself. You’re brave for acknowledging that something needs to change.

This

itsgettingweird · 17/06/2023 11:51

WhatNoRaisins · 17/06/2023 11:10

Have you spoken to your health visitor or GP about how you're feeling? 3 kids with no support for your family is a tough ask.

I agree with this.

You could have undiagnosed PND which would have affected the bond and that in turn would affect the behaviour and bond you feel now.

You obviously don't like feeling like this or you wouldn't be posting for help.

But first off you have to accept that you can't help feeling like you do and seek help for that.

ItsAsIfWeWereThere · 17/06/2023 11:52

But you’re not saying ‘get help’ or ‘do something’. You’re basically just being a dick.

Chasingadvice · 17/06/2023 11:52

You need to make alternative arrangements for the child. If you honestly do not have a single family member or friend who can look after him you will have to leave. Let their father raise the children while you go and sort yourself out.

The child's safety is paramount. He does not have a choice but to stay where someone is 'rough' with him. You can choose to leave. You are damaging the other children too.

Giselletheunicorn · 17/06/2023 11:56

My son has SEND and behaves like this. It's worth keeping a diary of his behaviours so you can identify anything specific that triggers him. It may be there's a root cause you've overlooked. Google ABC behaviour chart and you'll see lots of helpful templates for breaking the behaviour down into cause and effect.

Basically, it's easy to blame the child or blame the parent, but it's not helpful. Your child is a trying to communicate something to you. Only be understanding their perspective will you be able to identify successful strategies to help manage the behaviour. Good luck, OP

Torven · 17/06/2023 11:59

I don't think that sounds like a "rough" response to someone who is biting you. You aren't supposed to act like a mannequin angel all the time.

It sounds a nightmare. The thing about kids is they're random. You're inviting someone you've never met to spend the rest of your life in intimate closeness. You might get stuck with one you don't like. I don't think there's any moral failing in that - it's just luck.

Do what you can to carve space for your own sanity until he's old enough to be out in the world without you.