I hate my 4 yr old

[anonymous202321]

He is my 3rd child and i don't have any issue with the other two.
Since he was born we didn't really bond i loved him but it felt different to my other two.

He is very challenging. He hits breaks things runs away. every meal time he throws food etc. Screams all the time.

I can get rough with him which i know is wrong but something takes over sometimes.

im fucking him up i know that but i dont know how to stop

@Chasingadvice honestly, you think the dad is going to be able to cope with three lively (one bitey) kids by themselves? Or that other people will just swoop in and care for multiple kids. Even social services won't be interested in someone who pushed a child off their arm whilst they were being bitten!

OP, tell yourself, no more roughness EVER, because you can't control it. Keep calm and of course remove your child or yourself if they bite or hit. Other than that, no hands on except for cuddles.

Can you get more support, that's the key- contact the HV again, ask if there are any schemes in your area, let her know you are struggling, talk with the GP perhaps on the phone and say similar. It is hard, so hard on your own and you've done well up to now but are probably burning out with it all.

That doesn’t sound rough to me it sounds like a normal reaction to being bitten , I think your struggling and rightly so but now is the time to demand help of that means a call to SS then that’s what needs to happen for your sake your other children’s sake and his sake but bloody hell 4 year olds are hard so give yourself a break and walk away in the moment easy to say but that’s exactly what you need to do

@Highdaysandholidays1 what would you suggest? If the father is somehow unable to care for his own children and there is no one else to- she'll have to leave.

Stay and abuse the child.
Go and keep the child safe.

Or is that not the priority here?

Agree, sounds like a typical response to a sudden bite. It's fucking painful being bitten. It's not going to be a reason to remove them from a parent.

I think some people take delight in berating parents for normal humaning.

When I was a kid my mum would have hit me (once) for biting her and while recognising that doesn't fly any more I don't personally think it would be wrong to do. Humans are just apes and little apes are really trying.

I’ve been trained to deal with biting. Leaning in rather than pulling away is what we were told to do. It is extremely difficult not to have some kind of reaction when you’re bitten. Hence needing training, supervision and support.

And it sounds like you have none of those. Speak to your gp about your ds’ behaviours and don’t start by saying you’re a bad mum. Everyone wants to blame mum as a starting point ime of dealing with all the services for ds.

You need support.

What was your dd like?

Actually they do, quite frequently.

OP you have my enormous sympathy, but the "rough" behaviour has to stop. Today. As you know, it's abusive and will make his behaviour worse, it will make forming a better bond impossible and it's dangerous; if you push him too forcefully and he falls, he could be seriously injured.

I think you need a two pronged approach here. 1) he needs a thorough assessment for additional needs - talk to his school/nursery and your GP. Make some notes about his history and behaviours before you do. 2) you need family therapy to explore the lack of bonding - it's more common than you think, it's NOT your fault and it can be overcome. Things could look very different in a year's time if you take control of the situation now.

You are unhappy with your parenting. So that is step 1, now you need to try and access some support for you and your son.

In the meantime is there anything at all that brings relief? If you ran the legs off him? Tire him out allowing you some time to reset?

Would your gp be worth talking to for accessing some supports?

You sound depressed and how I was when my daughter was young. Please speak to your GP, you will feel better. There's nothing wrong with you or your son.

As an aside the best way to stop a bite is to push the head onto the arm. It reduces the risk of skin being cut and they will automatically release.

I'm super worried about OP! Can someone let me know if she responds at any point?

And people like you are the reason parents don't ask for help. Instead of being helpful you decide to judge and berate someone asking for support.
OP you sound exhausted. If your DC is at nursery can he do an extra session to give you a bit more of a break. He shouldn't be biting you. If your HV is useless I'd talk to your GP or even nursery as they will have numbers for support groups

And say they hate him

You're not selfish you are struggling. Challenging behaviour is so hard but he may well be picking up on you "hating" him and being rough with him. Can you speak to his nursery/school and see if they can point you in the right direction to get some help? He is so young and this behaviour can be changed. The fact you are on here worrying about it shows you aren't a terrible mum

Lots of advice on this current thread

Sudden act of aggression http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/4829120-sudden-act-of-aggression

Although one act of 'roughness' directed at a ten year old from her father is treated with complete outrage by many posters compared to roughness directed at a four year old boy by his mother

I just had a look and that poster describes being 'rough' as shouting at him.

These situations are not comparable.

Oh god wrong thread - point still stand though.

Physical violence is not the same as shouting

Let's be honest how many of us on being suddenly bitten would be able to plaster on a Stepford wives expression and calmly say "you might want to express your feelings another way"?

Most of us would shout out at something unexpectedly scary or painful like that.

Poor child. Hated by his mother at 4. All I can say here is that all the do gooders wouldn't be saying rubbish like, "Don't be so hard on yourself" or "You're so brave" if the Op was a father. He would be berated. However, as it's a woman it's apparently okay..

@Bbq1 Agreed.

OP please be kinder to yourself. You don’t hate your child - you hate his appalling behavior and how it is affecting you and your other children.
Please seek help from your child’s nursery, HV, doctor, whoever. School ought to sort him out too.

I started this thread yesterday as i wanted people to tell me what a piece of shit iam to give me the courage to leave.

I love all 3 of my babies and hate the fact im there mum. They deserve so much more and now hopefully dh can meet someone else.

I haven't told anyone where iam or plan to but they know ive left. My babies all have a letter from me.

How dramatic its like a movie i even had a giggle on the train about how surreal it was!!
When our children have a disease we give them medicine..Im there disease just.now.so i left

You've left your family? Do you have somewhere to go, do you need help?

I am concerned for your safety.

Whatever you do keep yourself safe OP.

I think most of us felt like this when our little boys were 4 they do go through a lot of challenging phases as they grow and can get a bit trying at that age. This is just a phase though and as he grows up you'll love him I can guarantee it.
Try and take time out for yourself to relax so it doesn't get too much. When you're more relaxed and not as tired you'll be able to cope much better and have more time for your little one. It's so sad that you're going through this. I hope there are people on your life that you can ask for some help in bringing him up when the times get too much for you. If not, you could always go to the doctor and try to get some support or someone to come out to give you a hand. I have a ten year old and what I wouldn't give to be able to have another little boy but can't because I'm just too old now.
I've know you've done it all before but this time will pass nothing stays the same the good and the bad x