How to balance MILs need to be needed and my need to not need her

[Wittsendhasarrived]

Apologies for the length but this is subtle and petty so I just want to explain.

Generally speaking, I love my MIL, she's a lovely woman and has always been very kind and welcoming to me. She is incredibly close with her two grandchildren from her daughter and spends several days a week with them as well as usually one or two overnight stays a week. Thery're home-schooled and MIL has made the odd, snarky comment to me about being put upon by her daughter to help so much because without her and no school, her daughter doesn't get a break. But for the most part I think she's genuinely very happy to have them so much and the comments are more irritation at the expectations her daughter has that she'll always help rather than the actual time she gives them if that makes sense.

My DC are only very small still, 2yo and 4mo. I work full time and we pay for full time childcare. DH and I have never asked and never would ask for her to have the DC on a regular basis to cover childcare but it's also never been offered so we're clearly in the same boat with not wanting that kind of arrangement.
I'm currently on maternity leave and although we have always seen a fair amount of MIL at weekends, obviously I have the luxury of offering more time to spend with her during the week whilst I'm off so I invite her along to whatever we're up to at least once a week.

So the thing that annoys me, is MIL always speaks about how she's happy to 'help me'. We've started a regular activity that I took DC to myself for several weeks before inviting MIL specifically to that. When she got there she took my baby off to help her sleep in her pram whilst I stayed with my toddler to play; I usually just have her in the sling anyway. Afterwards she went on about how much better it was that we could 'divide and conquer' the DC, which I suppose yes, but that wasn't the point for me at all. It wasn't on for half term and she said, oh that's good because I'm not free next time to come and help. I never asked for her help. I didn't invite her because I wanted her help, I invited her so she could come and enjoy the time with her grandchildren.
I always say thank you for coming to spend time with us everytime we've seen her and she always ends it with 'you know I'm always happy to help'.... Again... I didn't ask for help! It's not about help.

The thing is I'm not proud! When I have needed help I have asked. It's not often but when there have been clashing doctors appointments or whatever I have asked and been very grateful to receive help. But I'm getting really irritated at her presumption that I only invite her to things if it's for her to help me.
I guess where I've seen over the years how much she's expected to help out with her older DGC and she's made snarky comments to me about having to and I never wanted to put upon her in the same way and I just hate the idea of her making snarky comments about me to her other DC. I want to make it clear that I'm not asking her for help every time. But she just has this way of never acknowledging that. We were around her house a few weeks ago and I overheard her say to a neighbour that popped in 'my DGC I hear, I help with them once a week'. And my blood to boil a bit because seriously?!

I think though, she is one of this people to that despite the comments, she loves to be needed. She's made a lot of comments about wanting my older DD to have a sleepover but she's never just asked if she can have her, it's always 'I could have her once a month to help out and you can have a rest' and I always turn her down because DH and I don't need a rest right now and feel no need to ship DD off anywhere. If she just asked if she could have DD for the night we'd be fine with that, I'm not precious about her not having a sleepover but I'm being stubborn I suppose and wanting her to ask and not make it sound like she's doing us this big favour.

I know I'm being a bit unfair and perhaps just being precious because it doesn't really matter and I know it would make her happy if I'd just act like yes, everything she does is this great help. But I can't stop myself being irritated by it.

I should have checked before I hit post. Very sorry for all the typos. It's early!!

That would annoy me, too.

Are you comfortable pointing out that you don't need the help? I'm petty so I'd probably just get in first when saying goodbyes with a breezy "I'm so glad we can help you get out of the house and enjoy a break with the grandkids/from SIL's".

My mum is a bit like this. And to be honest I have no idea how to deal with it. Maybe you could put the baby back in the sling and go back to doing it yourself even if she’s there? Or only invite her occasionally rather than weekly? My mum will say she is happy to help and does help with childcare a bit (we don’t need her to but she asked for regular contact with DC), it’s tinged with martyrdom like she’s doing us this massive favour. She then complains at how much hard work our toddler is and how tired looking after him makes her. She also complains if she thinks MIL has seen him more than her. I’ve been signed off work recently with ante depression so I’ve been in the house and she expects me to host her and make her lunch etc. Looking after DC on my own would be easier. Anyway, I’m heavily pregnant and I’m going to ask her not to come going forward because I can’t deal with it.

Sounds a bit annoying. You might be spending too much time together so her comments get to you more?

I would either stop inviting her weekly and make it more irregular or put baby back in the sling.

Maybe you could respond ‘oh, no it’s too much for you!’ Or ‘ I don’t want to put you out’ next time she offers and she would prob insist that ‘no she loves having them’

My in-laws are a bit like this. They want and offer to help and maybe once every few months we will ask them to have ds so we can have a night out or for an appointment and they will agree but act so put out and put up on. We rarely ask now and they complain they rarely have ds but never ask to. Interestingly they are pretty put on by sil and bil for childcare so maybe it is triggered by that.

Next time she says it I would say "you know I don't invite you to help. I do it because we enjoy spending time with you. Please don't feel you have to help just have fun with your gc. And if this isn't for you then don't feel you have to come.. We can see you another time instead. "

I think @autienotnaughtym has it right. You should tell her that you're happy to ask for help when you need it, and knowing she will help is a comfort to you, but at the moment you're enjoying spending time with her and the children. Don't worry, when I need help I'll ask for it!!

Make her see that her relationship with the children isn't based on you needing her but wanting her company.

Maybe she wants to help and thinks that you don't want her to which is why she keeps reminding you. Can't your partner have a word with her?

As pp says, you could have her help a bit. Could she watch the children while you meet a friend? Or go to the hairdresser or something?

When she asked to help by having dd overnight and you didn't need the "help" you could just say, "we have no nights out coming up but if you'd like to do a sleepover for fun that's fine."

If your relationship is good, could you not just have a chat?

I completely understand this. You’ve set up your life so it runs smoothly without help most of the time, you’ve probably made sacrifices to do so (thinking about childcare fees), you don’t want someone making out like they are rescuing you when you’re doing well without them and they are not really helping. It’s not your own mum either so you may feel like you owe her less.
However can you play a long game here, and think of the benefits to your DC of having a lovely grandmother in their lives, that will be a help to them, there are studies showing that having a strong relationship with someone outside your immediate family unit is very good for kids mental health. And then when/ if you return to work with two children you may well appreciate (rather than need, but you do need rest too) help as they get older. In that way she is helping by investing time in her relationship with them. The better they know her the more she will really be able to help when they are older. I didn’t appreciate this really, my mum was helpful and around a lot, and the dc have a great relationship with her now, and it makes me grateful in retrospect for the way she got to know them when they were small, even if/ when I didnt need it.

I get it. You are trying to give her quality time with her grandkids but she is making out to everyone its for your benefit to "help" which would irritate me too.

I think resentment builds when we dont express ourselves and its like an air mattress, if you push down on one part, another part pops up- hence your post on here. Get it out. Tell her.

Therefore, I would speak to her. I would say, "MIL, its lovely to spend time with you but I am a bit concerned you think this is because I need your help. I just wanted to make sure you know that its YOU we like spending time with, its not because we only want your help. GC love seeing you and I just wanted you to know that. If we do need help, I'll definitely give you a shout".

If she carries on with telling others she's "helping" after you've told her then you need to accept that this is 100% about HER psychology and that she clearly has a need to tell others how helpful she is. Its about her own internal perception and it benefits her in some way to show others how "helpful" she is. It may be that she was brought up with parents who praised her only for being "helpful" so that is the internal script she carries around and would explain why the resentment sometimes seeps out.

I'd suggest different options each week.

So 1 week invite her to the activity and then when you leave say something like "oh they've loved you being here and spending time with them. Next week we are doing X - why don't you join us that day instead and spend some time with DGC doing something different?"

Then that way she gets the message you don't need her at X activity to help. You can do X activity without her.

And if she says anything about helping at that activity you can say "oh I don't invite you along to help. I invite you because we like spending time with you".

Yeah I get it, it is quite petty but I’d feel exactly the same! Came on to basically say exactly what @autienotnaughtym said.

Well, I’m in the minority here but I think you’re making a mountain out of a molehill. You enjoy her company and she enjoys being invited to things. The rest is semantics and really not worth a second thought imo.

You don’t have to be superwoman- let her think she’s helping. Motherhood isn’t a competition for you to win by never needing to ask for help and even if you don’t need help it doesn’t hurt at all to let her think she’s helping you out.

I think inviting her to an activity does make it seem like you’re inviting her to help you (even though I understand that’s not the case).

Presumably she wouldn’t choose to go to a toddler activity just for fun, so yes I can understand why she would think her role there is to help you.

If you just took the kids round to her house to see her or invited her to yours, or had a day out together that would seem more like spending time together and less like helping. And she’d get the older DC full attention instead of just watching them do an activity.

My mil is like this. And I have done a mix of biting my tongue and very clear language. there was a time we were visiting as we lived overseas, staying at my parents, Dh had gone home and I knew mil would like to see dc before we left so I invited her around. ‘Oh if it would help’… ‘I don’t need help I just thought you might like … ‘ Well of course I’d come if it would be a help to you
OH FFS IT DOESNT HELP ME AT ALL, IT IS A TIME COST TO ME AND IM EXHAUSTED. I didn’t say that- deep breath, yes it would be great if you could help.

but then other times I just don’t. So the sleepover example you give I would have said we don’t need the break but if you’d like to have dc stay for the night you just have to say the word, we are very happy for you to.

I think it’s good for her my encouraging her to rephrase as ‘I would like…’ 😂 plus I just cant go along with that martyrdom approach where she wants to do something but can only do it if it’s a favour. So sympathy!

If you see her most weekends and she has a busy week with other grandchildren maybe don't invite her to an activity with yours as well if she seems to feel it is work. I don't get all the 'offering'her time like it is sime big favour to her when she is already busy and active.

And you invite her 'at least once a week' so sometimes more. Is thus competition with SIL who has lots of time with her mum?

When I had my children my Mum definitely 'helped' me. I was on my own, not much money, needed to work and absolutely relied upon her for childcare and later when they were school age I'd drop them off at hers if they were ill so I didn't need to take time off work. And she'd come out to activities with us. She spent many, many hours with her grandchildren and they loved her and she loved them.

Having read this thread, and soon to be a grandma, I see my grandchildren's situation will be so very different. They will have two parents, two other grandparents and wrap around childcare available if required because they have the funds. Their parents also have very flexible working arrangements.

My children had a much happier and more secure childhood because of my Mum's help. But it seems money and positive relationships will mean my grandparent role will be different to hers. I needed 'help' as I'm sure many parents still do. But I will remove the help word from my vocabulary.

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I'd emphisise that it's lovely to have the pleasure of her company.

The difficulty of the "helping" bit is that it ends up getting a but matyrish.

Otherwise she sounds well-intentioned and trying to treat her GCs fairly.

I think you're letting your ego / pride get way too involved here.

No one is judging you on whether you need help or not - you're the only one creating that narrative.

it's just something she's saying. So just let it go! What a lot of angst over nothing.

It would irritate me too OP. I was also going to say what @autienotnaughtym said, I think that's the way to handle it. We don't need your help, we just love spending time with you.

I agree.
She is also massively conditioned into thinking her role is helping by her experience with her daughter.
I you want her to feel the visit is just for her to enjoy time with her grandchildren and help isn't needed, tell her that and ask what she'd like to do with them. Maybe she'd like to come round and read a book while baby slept on her knee. Or maybe she'd like to do some baking with the toddler.
Maybe she does like to be needed so there's some of that but just communicate with her, tell her what you've told us about just wanting to give her an opportunity to build her relationship with the kids.

Mmmm. This may well be thrown back at you as she gets older and needs 'help' herself. My SIL is finding this now after all the assistance she had. We had very very little so the expectation isn't as great.
This molehill could well be a mountain in years to come if you don't set the record straight now.

Jesus.

My Aunt bless her (rip) was a bit like that but an old fashioned maiden aunt so would never have been asked to baby sit- (wouldn't know one end of a child to the other).

Whenever she stayed at my Brother's place she never knew what to do with herself. She would do some washing and ironing. Then go bitching to mum and I that she HAD to do it. Mum responded with "No you didn't, no one forced you". Which is true but my SIL wasn't going to stop her! She is like me where house keeping chores are concerned!