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Original poster

I feel very jealous of other single parents

71 replies

PeaceLilyCactus · 02/06/2023 19:47

I feel very jealous of sole/single parents whose ex-partners co-parent their children. I’m the only person I personally know whose ex has next to no involvement with their children.

The other single parents I know have at least a night or two a week to themselves and shared responsibilities, which is how it should be. It’s yet another weekend where I’ve been invited places and can’t go because I don’t have childcare. I’m tired of being solely responsible for our children.

I’m not looking for anyone to provide a solution, it’d just be nice to hear from other parents in the same boat. My mum helps when she can but has bad health.

I feel like parts of my life (romantic relationships / certain hobbies) are on hold until my children are older. I love them to bits, wouldn’t be without them and I know we have a nice life, but I’m feeling it tonight. 🙁

OP posts:

MillicentTrilbyHiggins · 02/06/2023 19:50

My ex never had the DC for more than 6 hours per week. And that was pre-lockdown. I think he's seen them 3x since then.

DC are 18 and 16. It does get easier.

Whattodo112222 · 02/06/2023 19:53

My ex has supervised fortnight contact at a contact centre. Has been that way for 4 years. No signs of changing. Even when I was with him he was a useless arsehole and I've brought DD up on my own. I have no immediate family around me.. no words of advice but know you're not alone. My DD starts school this year and I'm scared of the judgement from other mums.

Frith2013 · 02/06/2023 20:03

No involvement here really then not so much as a card for the last 5.5 years.

Interested in this thread?

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Families

BestBerry · 02/06/2023 20:03

My ex moved four hours away. He's supposed to visit and have DC every other weekend but often cancels. And when he cancels it's always last minute so I can never plan things assuming he'll be here. Also DC is a toddler and because ex leaves so long between visits she doesn't know him well so isn't happy being left with him for more than a couple of hours. I wouldn't be surprised if he stops bothering to come at all before long.
My nearest family is 3 hours drive away, I don't have any local support. So I totally understand your frustration, you are not alone!

namechange1986 · 02/06/2023 20:09

My ex tries to be involved ... but is also an alcoholic. Sometimes having the additional parent is more stressful.

TheSnowyOwl · 02/06/2023 20:09

Surely they aren’t single parents then? A single parent is someone with no physical or financial support (or anything else) from the other parent. Usually they are widows/widowers or went into parenthood alone, although I fully expect lots of people to now pipe up that they have had their child/ren 24/7 and never had a penny in maintenance.

TastesLikeStrawberriesOnASummerEvening · 02/06/2023 20:12

PeaceLilyCactus · 02/06/2023 19:47

I feel very jealous of sole/single parents whose ex-partners co-parent their children. I’m the only person I personally know whose ex has next to no involvement with their children.

I’m not looking for anyone to provide a solution, it’d just be nice to hear from other parents in the same boat. My mum helps when she can but has bad health.

I brought Dd up completely single handedly.
No one had her for overnights, not her Dad who disappeared when when she was six weeks old, or family, or anyone.
She's an adult now, it was hard, but I did it.

DaisyToffeeApple · 02/06/2023 20:12

I’m a lone parent with an utterly useless ex who has no contact with his dc. I can understand where you’re coming from, but I’m delighted not to have to share my dc with him. Obviously, I wish for them that they had a loving great dad but sadly they don’t. The positives are only for me - I don’t have to wave them off every other weekend, I can make all the decisions about their care, I don’t have to consult with anyone else about anything at all. They are truly wonderful dc and I am so proud that I have brought up such amazing children on my own.

Mine are teen/preteen now and it does get easier. For now, I would try and find what the positives are for you in your situation. I am sure there must be some!

StopMindlesslyScrolling · 02/06/2023 20:17

@TheSnowyOwl us widows normally call ourselves Solo parents and those whose 2nd parents are alive are single parents.

Parenting 365 days a year sucks.

It's surprising how quickly the offers of support dry up after the funeral.

I have no parental support and siblings who live considerable distance/overseas, so day-to-day it's just me. Shocks me how many people don't step up, even for the simple things like me stating I'm a widow now, trying to grieve, work, support my kids etc, can someone else PLEASE take over the end of year teachers' collection so I have one less thing to do, but no one steps forward as they're too "busy".🙄

ThisMustBeMyDream · 02/06/2023 20:28

I'm a single parent. Ex had no involvement from one being 2 and the other in utero at the time. They are 10 and 8 now.
I have no family support.
I used paid childcare for work and social things. I met my partner when the children were 4 and 2. I used to pay for one full day a week in childcare for both from the youngest being 10 months so I could use that day for me. If that was meeting friends for lunch, then great. Or if it was so I could catch up on house work, also great. I needed that day each week.
I then had a babysitter for evenings if I wanted an evening out. Used staff from the nursery.
I was determined not to let it define me or beat me. I deserve a life too. No regrets here. I've been a good mother and had a happy life too.

Soopermum1 · 02/06/2023 20:28

My DD didn't see her dad for 4 years. There were plenty of kids in the class with separated parents but she was the only one with 'no dad'. The teacher explained it to me on that particular Father's Day. I felt shit and she probably did too. My own dad was dead by this point and she had/ has a wonderful stepfather but we didn't want to direct her to him as 'dad' explicitly, and wanted to just go with the flow. Maybe we should have, dunno. It's so hard to navigate.

EarringsandLipstick · 02/06/2023 20:31

I hear you OP. My DC have only spent very limited time with my ex, handful of overnights, rarely at the same time & now no contact at all. He has been abusive & had made all our lives very difficult.

To be honest, I don't know any different. He wasn't much involved when we were together & marriage ended when they were very small.

I have no help, manage mostly but it's hard.

However, my ex is such hell, that the lack of contact feels like a blessing. I don't have a social life or any relationships - I just don't think of it tbh

Henowner · 02/06/2023 20:34

Widowed parent here. Bloody hard work, I feel exactly like you, but it gets easier when they get older x

Whattodo112222 · 02/06/2023 20:40

You're their mum and their dad. That's how I class myself.

Chispazo · 02/06/2023 20:44

I used to feel like this op. I never seemed to envy married mothers! That was just too far out of my imagination! It does go away. As the kids get older you have more freedom. Hang in there.

Shergill15 · 02/06/2023 20:48

Similar here. Whilst DD's dad would claim to co parent her he moved abroad and makes very limited effort to maintain a relationship with her -has seen her maybe 3 times in the last 4 years and very rarely calls her, sends nothing at Christmas or birthdays etc.

No family help either. I use paid wraparound care when I'm working but would struggle to afford baby sitters for nights out etc so have also resigned myself to not dating or having much of a social life til DD is considerably older. It can be hard and lonely, I feel for you x

Itslookinggood · 02/06/2023 21:16

It’s hard and lonely when they are little, wonderful and joyous when they are older.

you’re in the hard years now op, but it’s about the long game. You are their everything, and will reap the rewards in time.

hang in there. Honestly, thr best is yet to come (mine are 17 and 15 now).

Dillydollydingdong · 02/06/2023 21:20

My DS's father disappeared when ds was about 18 months old and never came back. I was glad to get rid of him, and just took it for granted that there was no social life. That comes later.

siucra · 02/06/2023 21:22

I am meant to be co-parenting but my DD is with me 99% of the time. My ex is an alcoholic, useless and has married again, and when he does see my DD, he is often drunk or in a bad mood. I also have zero family support. She is 15 now, and it has meant that I have had little social life, have not been able to go away, am exhausted etc. I have two dogs as well, and all I do is walk them, work, and keep the house going. But I love her so much, and the last 15 years I have spent with her have been the best of my life. Watching her grow up, being there for her, helping her and supporting her has been incredibly rewarding. I don't drink alcohol or let my hair down, and any social occasion is quite anxiety-making as I have to try and balance everything, but she makes me so happy. It does get easier - after 15 years, though! And I've only got one.

Hadenough62 · 02/06/2023 21:24

How old are they? It does get easier,

Do you have any local friends you could exchange babysitting duties with?

Me and my friend are both single mums, neither dads in contact with children ( we both moved up here fleeing DV a few years ago ) we babysit for each other when needs be

One of my friends also has a teenager who babysits for me occasionally too.

Mine are 6 and 8, not seen their dad since my youngest was 8 months old. It does get easier the older they get and the more you get to know other people

Hobby wise, is there any hobbies you like that you could take the children too? Both the dance class and the martial arts class round my way have adult and child classes running alongside each other

mrsblueskyeye · 02/06/2023 21:29

Absolutely nothing from my ex - and looking back I am glad. No drama, no manipulation. Sure it was hard, my family lived over the other side of the country so little support apart from a neighbour occasionally babysitting. If doesn't last for long and I am proud that I raised my son alone ( until I met my DH)

megletthesecond · 02/06/2023 21:45

I've lone (double) parented for 14yrs. No nights off. It's really hard.
I'm the only lone parent I know who also works. Everyone else either doesn't work or has family or an ex on the scene. When I realised this I decided to cut myself some slack.

JimnJoyce · 02/06/2023 21:47

Hi Op Lone parent here, DD hasnt seen her dad in years now. She is 14 and autistic so It's not the easiest. I do get a few hours off every couple of months as she will go to my sisters. I treasure that time

Original poster

PeaceLilyCactus · 02/06/2023 21:47

Mine are 10 and 12. Even before I left him, he had very little involvement with them so they’re used to being with me all the time. I honestly don’t think they’d care very much if they never saw him again.

My closest friends and relatives don’t have children. I have hobbies I fit around my kids but I still wish there was someone else co-parenting. I don’t want to make every single decision. I don’t want to cook every meal. I don’t want to be the only person driving them around to their hobbies. I don’t want to be their sole source of fun/entertainment.

I want to have more adult time. I want a day where I’m not ticking off a ‘to-do’ list of endless servitude. I want to have time to form a romantic relationship.

I don’t want to be waiting until my kids are grown up to enjoy certain things and then end up too old/sick/set in my ways to enjoy those things.

OP posts:

CandyLeBonBon · 02/06/2023 21:47

It's hard op. But it's not forever. Not much comfort I know but hang on in there

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