I feel very jealous of other single parents

[PeaceLilyCactus]

I feel very jealous of sole/single parents whose ex-partners co-parent their children. I’m the only person I personally know whose ex has next to no involvement with their children.

The other single parents I know have at least a night or two a week to themselves and shared responsibilities, which is how it should be. It’s yet another weekend where I’ve been invited places and can’t go because I don’t have childcare. I’m tired of being solely responsible for our children.

I’m not looking for anyone to provide a solution, it’d just be nice to hear from other parents in the same boat. My mum helps when she can but has bad health.

I feel like parts of my life (romantic relationships / certain hobbies) are on hold until my children are older. I love them to bits, wouldn’t be without them and I know we have a nice life, but I’m feeling it tonight. 🙁

Thank you for your lovely comments. I’ve been single for over 5 years now and being in a relationship feels alien to me now. I know I have to focus on being patient, and I’ll never settle for someone so unworthy again. Good luck in your new career.

Thank you for your kind words. There’s days where I feel strong and others where I break down and question my life choices like you.

And thanks to all who replied. Their dad cancelled on them today again but it’s a beautiful sunny day so I’m going to take them to the beach and pretend we’re on holiday.

Being a single parent with sole responsibility for your children is so hard but definitely worth it. I wish you all the best for the future. X

I'm a completely lone parent. It is getting easier as my child gets older (coming into later primary school years this Autumn). I have accepted that I won't date while they are young and I do feel lonely in the evenings. Financially things have been quite hard but it is getting easier and things will continue to improve over the next years (finally paying off debt accrued in paying for full time nursery for years, career progression etc). I try and take the opportunity to go out when my child is at organised activities ( go for a run, meet a friend for a coffee etc) and I book about three / four days a year of annual leave for me to have a nice day to myself. It isn't much and absolutely not comparable to the life my ex leads but I think we have about another 2/3 years before there is a significant change in how much support is required. I don't know if this helps but hope you are okay.

You will get through it, OP. I was widowed with a baby and a toddler, and raised them alone to adulthood, while working as a hospital doctor. Nearest relative 240 miles away, no local support. In addition, DD1 has autism and depression, and made two suicide attempts by hanging, while in her teens.
My stress levels were stratospheric for years, but one just keeps going, a day at a time. I am now out the other side, enjoying retirement, DD1 stable on medication, both DDs have good partners, homes and careers. Keep on buggering on, as Churchill said!

I have no co-parent for my DD. Im also severely disabled and I struggle massively. I too feel that jealousy you describe. It's also jealousy of married families and those with supportive grandparents etc :(

Doesn’t always get easier! My teenager was a nightmare for 5 years till he left home, very very stressful. A good example of why sharing can be helpful but comparisons often don’t stack up. Some single parents have a fine time of it (family support, easy children) and for others it’s much, much more of a struggle. At the end of the day all we can do is try to live the best lives we can in our own particular circumstances.

@AlfietheSchnauzer I hear you. I had chronic health problems too. It can be very tough.

Absolutely agree. For some of us it will not get easier my daughter is severely autistic she will never move out or live independently she is actually getting harder as she gets older and it’s harder managing her alone now she’s older she’s stronger and I’m struggling with her on my own. Everyone said it would get easier but it hasn’t but for the majority it will get easier

Also the single mums I know when their teens were playing up or going through difficult stages they would send them to the dads house it’s very hard not having that option I am not looking forward to the teenage years.

I'm also a widow and to be honest, I just call myself a widowed parent as whenever I say solo parent, I get looked at as though I'm just being pretentious 🙄 I'm so, so, SO sick of being treated like I've chosen to be a single mum! As though I'm a 'young mummy' who picked the wrong man (no disrespect towards single parents who did choose the wrong man btw! I'm just interpreting how others make assumptions & how they are towards me)
I'm 38! Yet the two more social, chatty (married) couples on our cul de sac (who look to be the same age as me), chat to every other married couple on the street & blatantly ignore me! If they do interact with me at all, I'm spoken to as though I'm 20 years younger than them!

• "Make sure you put your bins out tomorrow!"
• "Don't forget to mow your lawn!"
• "Those little trees will need watering every day" (I've been gardening for 35 years!!!)
• "Make sure the sun isn't hot when you water your plants or they'll die" (See above. Also, this was at 9:30pm!!!!)
• "Remember to remove the dead flower heads from them plants" (FFS! I've been dead-heading since I first started walking! Plus, I'm THIRTY FUCKING EIGHT!!!!)

Do you see what I mean?! I guarantee none of this would've been said if my DH was still here....

Apologies for the tangent. Perhaps I need to start my own thread....

Hang in there. I have teens now and benefiting from their growing independence. I’ve had a blissful half term with both teens away at different camps. Only other single parents understand the joy!

Lone parent here too. When I start to feel the resentment bubble, I always take a minute and remember all the times I hear people in relationships or have co-parenting moaning about the other person. When my ex was having some involvement, it was absolutely awful and stressful. I feel grateful I no longer have that drama in my life.

Your children are almost at the age where you can leave them for periods of time and have a social life again, you're almost there. Keep pushing through, you can do this x

I totally get this.
My two have stayed at their dads house just once in 7 years. He said when we split up, he's refusing more than 6 hours per week contact because I don't deserve a life or to meet anyone else.
Well I showed the absolute waste of oxygen how to live and have given his children everything with just the minimal support through CMS.
My two are now old enough to be left at home alone for short periods and walk to school and back themselves.
It gets easier. I promise.

My ex saw our son twice between ages 2-19. It is hard but, remember you are seeing the co-parenting thing through rose tinted glasses...loads of people have a nightmare co-parenting with exes, as you can regularly read on here. I looked for the benefits of being in control and not having to deal with the arsehole. I was also fortunate to find a new partner who helped raise my DS, not in a massive way, but enough to make a difference. I'm not saying another man is the solution...
Finally, hold on to the thought that this phase (10 years?) its actually over really quickly and relatively short chunk of your life.

My daughter's "father" may as well be dead, but due to the circumstances I can't rely on any help from his parents either. I live far from any family who can help day to day, I don't know how the fuck I'm going to keep my job.

Currently trying not to cry about the financial situation I'm in that I can do fuck all about because of stupid abusive bastard ex and a complete lack of childcare. I basically have a year to sort some sort of stability out or I'll have to move in with family, which is at least an option, but 200 miles away.

I'm just hoping things will get better.

My ds is now 18 and. I have been a single parent since he was five months. His dad helped every 3 weekends or so his early years then slowly by age ten or so he stopped 'helping' as he got busy with his new three year old. D's only sees his dad a week twice a year at the moment and before the pandemic he saw him three weeks a year. He lives 100 miles away too.

In addition I have no family support whatsoever as an an only child and my parents were deceased by the time ds was born.s

I think of you have a very supportive family support system you are highly fortunate as you get nice help from family nearby. Plenty where I live have family babysitters on tap the whole way through plus even f ree di y and car maintenance. Totally spoilt.

It is true though that from secondary school age things get considerably easier and you can meet up with friends from say age 15 if you want an evening out. I am self employed so I tend to socialise daytime hours when friends are free but that is just me.

if any single parents have no free babysitting help then please look up sitters.co.uk if you can afford it. I could not but childminders seeking to increase their in come are willing to babysit. I could never afford it but hear it is good.

Would it not be better if you bluntly put them straight and explained to them that you have been gardening for 30 years et c you know full well when bin day is etc.

I hate people being sexist like that.lol.

@AlfietheSchnauzer wow seriously, you need people to know that you're better than a single parent. Geez. Most of us single parents didn't choose it either, and any bad decisions were probably borne out of our own parents' bad parenting and we only figured that out when it was too late. Plenty of women who made ''good choices'' single parents end up single when their ''good choice'' has an affair. I guess if you're widowed young your good choice is never challenged.

@Zippedydoo123 I agree, just be assertive. The problem is the couple-centric society that respects a woman for being one half of a couple, and excludes a woman for not having a man. I too have endure this tedium. When my DC were small i volunteered on the pta and was doing a lot, blagging prizes for a raffle. A married woman who has a personality disorder I suspect told a lot of people that I was hardly coping and then the principal said to me that I could step away from duties if I liked. At that point, I'd done a lot for the PTA and I thought, ''ok''. I only found out later from a woman who spoke honestly to me that there had been gossip about me not coping She doubted it at the time. It was just gossip because I was different.

I have these issues with my neigbours too. One new ndn gave me a note to give to my landlord. I opened it and it said that they were going to get their attic converted. I wrote a letter back and said that's ok and asked her to ''give it to her landlord''. I think she twigged then I owned my house too. There have been other displays of 1950s style nonsense. Years ago, I was v honest about why i'd left my x but then when my children did well at school and were smart, I could see that that surprised a few people. Chums of the gossipy married woman with the personality disorder (I am not kidding, the lies she's made up about her OWN life) were asking me whether he owned his own house, what he did - like, what difference does it make when we have nothing to do with him!?