My Mum's strange behaviour/lack of awareness.

[LetsGoDoDoDo]

My Mum (67) has always been a bit of an odd character. She has never been particularly concerned with how she comes across outwardly and does seem to lack self-awareness. She can also be rather self-centred and so I don't know if these behaviours I'm noticing are a development of her character now that she's retired or something to be concerned about. (For example, she'll walk into a room and immediately talking, constantly brings the conversation around to herself, it can be draining but she means no harm.)

The main examples are that she can't stand still. If we're standing up having a conversation she will rock herself from side to side, in a slow rhythmic motion. Its quite exaggerated and can be distracting for thera in the room. When sitting down she rubs her toes together rhythmically and also rubs her fingers over her hands. She also hums as she potters around but never a tune. She doesn't appear to have a tune in her head, it's just noises.

She is constantly engaged in at least one of these behaviours. At all times.

I have to be honest, and I know this sounds awful, but I find it excruciatingly irritating. But more seriously, I am concerned that this is symptomatic of a health problem. It's becoming more noticeable and I'm concerned for her that other people outside of the family will be picking up on it.

Has anyone else have any experience of this? Is this a cause for concern or are they just more of her quirks?

'If we're standing up having a conversation she will rock herself from side to side, in a slow rhythmic motion. Its quite exaggerated and can be distracting for thera in the room. When sitting down she rubs her toes together rhythmically and also rubs her fingers over her hands. She also hums as she potters around but never a tune. She doesn't appear to have a tune in her head, it's just noises.'

My mother does all this. I think it's a way of self soothing. She's very self centred and emotionally disregulated, has no awareness that shes doing it but has always done it as far as I'm aware.

My FIL used to burst into song if there was any silence in a conversation - again, no runs, just the same few notes all the time. I think in his case it was anxiety and needing to dominate the space

And yes, all the above is very irritating!

Yes that would irritate me too!

I think that once you have noticed those quirks, it's hard to ignore!

Is she filling in awkward silences with the humming? My husband does that and I hum louder so he gets the message!

Is she nervy? That might explain the quirks?

Can you have a chat along the lines of I notice you do this, Is there something you are worried about? Can I help?

Older people get more like kids as they get older so you sort of have to manage them in my experience.

Good communication helps and shorter visits but more of them to check in that they're ok.

Good luck 😁

My mum also does things like that she will pace or fidget, she is quite a nervous person and I think its self soothing
she doesn't know how to relax or direct her energy
. I've no real advice but just wanted to relate. My mum is early 70s but has always been like that but became more noticeable when she retired.

A surprising amount of people will enter a room and immediately start talking, completely oblivious to the existing conversation between the room's occupants. I agree with pp that the rest sounds self soothing. Do you think she's a bit socially anxious? It does sound irritating, but she's more likely to have dropped her guard with you, and is perhaps a bit more self aware with others outside the family?

Thank you for sharing. Its interesting to learn that others display similar behaviour.

I think what's bothering me is that I'm worried that we're losing her. She's only 67, so not old! The dynamics of our relationship have changed in recent years, it's almost as though she's totally changed her mindset on everything and made a sudden switch from working professional into old age. She retired just before covid so perhaps that hasnt helped.

As I mentioned before though, she has always been rather odd and especially at home, around family. It's difficult to explain without writing an essay!

This just seems bizarrely self-indulgent and totally lacking in awareness. I do realise I am being harsh.

I suspect she may be autistic. Would that fit?

Rang a few bells with me too (I'm autistic) and it's interesting it's more noticeable since your DM retired OP as I've definitely noticed an increase in similar behaviours in myself since I've been at home full time. A lifetime of masking and now she doesn't have to anymore? Think that's what's happened with me tbh.

@Geneticsbunny she's always been different but she does have strong social skills so im not sure. She's a story teller and comes across as confident in social situations. For a while I suspected she was rather narcissist but now I think she is just self-centred. She does care about others.

Thank you for the insight @CatastrophicCat Is there anything I should do to support her ot just leave her to it?

By the way, my stating that she cares about others was in reference to her level of self-centredness. I'm not sure if that was clear.

DH does this. He's 58 and definately becoming more eccentric. He mindlessly makes loud noises and tells me he's singing but it's not a tune and drives me absolutely bonkers as I've got very sensitive hearing. He is also getting a bit obsessive at picking the skin round his fingernails when he's talking, and does it when we've got guests which I think is very rude.

He was diagnosed with ADHD as a child, but I only found that out about 10 years ago when we made contact with his DF.

Sounds like sensory seeking behaviour. Common in ASD.

Although it does come across that you think autistic people don't care about others and can't be confident in social situations in your last post.

Autism presents differently in girls.

Sounds like she could be autistic OP. It looks different in everyone, my mum is autistic and copes absolutely fine in social situations too. Autistic females in particular are excellent at masking. It's worth looking at from everything you've described.

No. She sounds neurotypical.

Signed

An autistic person who is fed up to the back teeth of autism being raised every single time there is a question of behaviour.

@gamerchick I am deeply sorry to have caused offence. That isn't how I meant it to come across at all. Please disregard what I said, I should have taken more care when writing.

Whether there are neurodiversities at play here or not (and from the perspective of someone with autism and ADHD, it may be worth looking at these to see if anything else about either seems to fit), it does sound like something she can’t help.

Could she be directed to doing something active but less irritating? Fiddle toy or something?

If she has just retired is it that now you are spending more time with her?
Also she will be adjusting to a new life so give her time.
can you tell her to stop swaying? What happens?

I'm not offended don't worry.

I'm 68 and when I read your initial post I felt very uncomfortable and I feel sorry for your mum who might be very hurt to know what you think about the person who raised and loved you to be called self centred.
My family say I am eccentric. I do not think I am but I know I make noise when I come in as I suffer from feeling inadequate socially. Perhaps I am annoying, I am sure I am. I know I love my children and would fight for them to the death. If any of them ever wrote down my faults and I was to read them I would want to run away and never come back mentally.

Look up Stimming @LetsGoDoDoDo

My mother is 72 and was diagnosed with mixed dementia about 3 years ago. She's always had anxiety but her self-soothing behaviors have exacerbated greatly as her condition has worsened. The nail picking and cuticle pushing drives me to distraction but she can't help it.
Her anxiety is through the roof and she has lost all ability to make decisions.
She, too, can appear fine socially and make appropriate, sensible conversation. Although my sisters and I know a lot of what she says is absolute nonsense, she sounds knowledgeable and presents BS as fact in a highly convincing way.
She does totally dominate conversation, does the whole walk in the room and start talking thing (as do my kids!) and seems to make every single thing about her. I'm questioning whether she has always been so self-centered and dementia is highlighting it, or whether it's new. It's making me reflect on my childhood and see a lot of things differently.

So, in summary, perhaps be aware of other behavioral changes that could be indicators of early onset dementia/alzheimers.

To add, mum was diagnosed 3 years ago but signs had been there for maybe 2 years or so beforehand and she only retired from teaching 6 or 7 years ago. It's been a very rapid decline sadly.

Why do you find this example annoying? Genuine question. Her behaviours do sound like common neurodivergent behaviours. I have ADHD and recognise some of them in myself, especially the 'tune in her head' thing and the rubbing fingers / toes. Also the entering a room talking excitedly, a behaviour I had to consciously train myself out of. She may have autism/ ADHD and as a retired woman she would most likely never have been diagnosed.

I get that it's frustrating seeing 'bad behaviour' labelled autism but in this case she does actually sound ND rather than NT so I'm not sure it's the example of all to get annoyed about!

My Mum does all you've said apart from rocking side to side. She's self-centred, talks all the time, has to fill silences. Theres just no peace and its bloody irritating but what can you do? She's 81 now and strong as a horse so I just think for people like this, its part of their character. She seems happy enough. When you're young you dont necessarily notice your parents' quirks, too busy getting on with your own life. Its different when you're older.

@Lamelie thank you, I shall.

@ThisIsntMyUsualUsername I'm so sorry about your own mother 💐 This is my concern but I hope I am wrong. Sending you strength.

Oh gosh, she sounds like me! I have always been socially anxious, and I know I have some self-soothing/stimming behaviours which have got worse since I retired. I live alone, so only annoy myself most of the time, but my children do comment when I do it in company. I think I probably have ADD, possibly connected. I doubt she’s aware she’s doing it most of the time