My Mum's strange behaviour/lack of awareness.

[LetsGoDoDoDo]

My Mum (67) has always been a bit of an odd character. She has never been particularly concerned with how she comes across outwardly and does seem to lack self-awareness. She can also be rather self-centred and so I don't know if these behaviours I'm noticing are a development of her character now that she's retired or something to be concerned about. (For example, she'll walk into a room and immediately talking, constantly brings the conversation around to herself, it can be draining but she means no harm.)

The main examples are that she can't stand still. If we're standing up having a conversation she will rock herself from side to side, in a slow rhythmic motion. Its quite exaggerated and can be distracting for thera in the room. When sitting down she rubs her toes together rhythmically and also rubs her fingers over her hands. She also hums as she potters around but never a tune. She doesn't appear to have a tune in her head, it's just noises.

She is constantly engaged in at least one of these behaviours. At all times.

I have to be honest, and I know this sounds awful, but I find it excruciatingly irritating. But more seriously, I am concerned that this is symptomatic of a health problem. It's becoming more noticeable and I'm concerned for her that other people outside of the family will be picking up on it.

Has anyone else have any experience of this? Is this a cause for concern or are they just more of her quirks?

@BenjiBungee interesting question! The rocking makes me feel unwell, almost sea sick. The tuneless/senseless humming invades my head space. The rubbing of toes and fingers... I don't know... I find it distracting and also unnerving. Its like she's given up on herself and no longer cares how she presents. It's unusual behaviour for an adult. I'm unsure if I'm articulating this very well...

To be honest, I find any self-indulgent behaviour makes me feel uncomfortable. I assumed everyone was the same. Isn't that why we teach children to adopt good manners? It creates a calm environment for everybody involved? No one person takes up all of the energy/attention of the others, or makes the others feel uncomfortable.

Perhaps I am uptight!

Buy her a fidget toy , and use it as an opener to a conversation about her "movements".

"I notice you're quite restless MUm, and wondered if this would help you".

I don't think its quite as straightforward.
There's a cut-off or threshold for diagnosis and if you exhibit enough traits you'll be diagnosed with autism. And if you don't, you won't.
But it's a bit subjective isn't it? It's not like there are blood tests or other medical tests. And, depending on who you see, you might be more or less likely to be diagnosed if you're borderline.

They also change the diagnostic criteria from time to time. Many people are diagnosed with autism now when previously they would have been told they had Aspergers. So they wouldn't have (offically) been autistic and now suddenly they are. Who's to say the diagnostic criteria won't change again?

When people say they're a little bit autistic they just mean they have some of the commonly associated traits (though you're right to say not ⁵ has these, of course). And some people don't know too much about autism and get it wrong anyway, but others know more and might recognise some traits in themselves once a child has been diagnosed for example.
One of my DC is autistic. Another is NT but has more sensory issues than his sibling. There's an overlap imho.

not everone has these

I'm not sure that a fidget toy is what's needed... she likes to knit so that could help? As I say, her movements are slow, rhythmic and often exaggerated.

I'm going to have a chat with her about it. She used to be incredibly shy as a child and would often go mute when someone spoke to her... you wouldn't know it now though! Perhaps she has been masking all this time 💔 There's other stuff going on so it could also be anxiety. I can't find much on stimming related to dementia so hopefully that's not what going on.

Thank you to PP for all of the insight and suggestions.

So he has untreated ADHD and does things that are consistent with ADHD, including the picking at his fingers in stressful situations?

Is it still rude if it's a known thing to occur in people with ADHD, particularly when they're under stress?

This sounds like me 😁 I was diagnosed with ADHD 3 weeks ago at 49. My symptoms got worse at menopause and again when I had to stop work for another reason.
on another note, I was a live in carer working with clients with dementia and I don’t think you have anything to worry about concerning your mum.
Do a bit of research into ADHD symptoms in women after menopause and approach her with your findings if you can. There’s possibly things she thought were normal and likely me has been masking it all her life.

Wow! What a sad attitude indeed.

TBH I do the stimming thing (grammar?) but discretely so no one would ever know. Sometimes I catch myself doing it unawares and firce myself to stop.

@Stickytoastandhoney I think it's unlikely to be dementia as she is mentally sharp, it's definitely more behavioural. Has life improved now that you have a diagnoses?

Thanks. I didn't know that. I have only seen it in autistic adults and children.

Sorry that was in response to @PopcorningPancakingWheeking

Sounds like ADHD to me (hyperactivity type). My MIL is just like this and drives us all mad.

It’s early days but I feel sort of validated 😊 I still can’t mask anymore but I don’t need to 😃