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Original poster

Feeling foolish about wedding

80 replies

CatMattress · 01/06/2023 10:32

Background:
Been with DP for nearly 4 years. Adore the bones of him. Properly the love of my life and an all round good bloke.

I'm divorced. Got married youngish, had two kids, stuck it out through all kinds of crap because I genuinely thought I loved him and that marriage was forever and we could overcome. This did not include the colleague he had an intense emotional affair with and to whom he was engaged before she'd even left her husband (yeah. pick the bones out of that). So. End of 15 year relationship.

Anyyyywayyyyy...
Recently engaged. Absolutely want to marry DP, despite my previous experience. My kids adore him, kept asking when we'd get married, we're a family as much as we can be when they still have a good relationship with their dad etc.

DP is keen to do a 'big' wedding. It's not huge, sub 100 people, but in order to do that we'd still have to hire a venue (the cheapest option is a hotel nearby) have a ceremony, get dressed up. I feel foolish. Stupid. Like everyone will be looking at me making this huge fuss, like I didn't already do it once and expect it to be the one and only time that time.

I think I'd feel different about something a little more relaxed and 'us' (barn, village hall etc) but the problem is that those options either cost way more money in total than the hotel and/or require the kind of time that neither of us can spend on prepping the damn thing, co-ordinating suppliers etc.

I just feel so uncomfortable about the more formal hotel wedding. It feels like wearing somebody else's clothes and putting myself up for mockery.

Would appreciate some good old fashioned Mumsnet talking-to. But be a little bit nice - I have epic PMT and am rather tearful!

OP posts:

GiveupHQ · 01/06/2023 10:34

I much prefer yours suggestion

have you spoken with him about this? You don’t mention that at all.

it’s his first wedding?

How long ago did you divorce ex?

GiveupHQ · 01/06/2023 10:35

Anyone you think might think this… should not be invited

lionsleepstonight · 01/06/2023 10:37

I think you can still make the hotel wedding less formal to match the fact it's your 2nd, and you're older (ahem).

Look at Charles and Camilla on how to do a second marriage in style.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Weddings

AnOKYearForTheRoses · 01/06/2023 10:38

I’m with you, OP.

My friend had two big weddings with white meringue dresses. Lots of snide comments were overheard about what the third wedding would be like, and plenty of people asked her to her face.

Booklover40 · 01/06/2023 10:39

Don't most wedding barn places have wedding coordinators now to do everything? Or how about getting married in church/registry and then a party in a marquee organised by a wedding company? Do you know anyone with a big garden?

You should have the wedding you want though and not worry about what others are thinking - no one bats an eyelid at a second marriage these days!

BigglyBee · 01/06/2023 10:47

I see your point and I would probably feel the same. If I was to marry again then I would have a very small wedding and maybe just go out for dinner afterwards. The whole massive wedding thing wasn't something I enjoyed and was more because my husband wanted it.

You could separate the two halves, though. Maybe get married with just a few very close friends and family, then on another day have a party if that's what you want. It might feel more manageable that way.

Whataretheodds · 01/06/2023 10:49

You can get dressed up without wearing a pouffy white dress.

SleepingStandingUp · 01/06/2023 10:51

I'm not sure a hotel wedding has to feel all white meringue and extravagant. Go for a gorgeous dress that's more you. Don't have bridesmaids etc. Don't get given away but get the kids to walk up the aisle with you. No formal speeches, just short ones each for you and DH. Look at a more relaxed seating plan / dining option.

The other option is registry office with a few then big party after

TokyoSushi · 01/06/2023 10:51

I don't think that people would think this, but I can see your point, if I were to have a wedding now I'd want something much lower key.

caringcarer · 01/06/2023 10:55

OP my first marriage was quite small with only 40 guests. My ex had a very small family and my Dad had a big argument at the time with his brother so I was not allowed to invite my cousins. My parents paid for absolutely everything. My Mum took over a bit and my sister had got married the year before and Mum ordered the same cake from the same bakers, the same photographer, the same florist although I had a different bouquet, the same venue even, not that there was really anywhere better in the small town we lived in. The reception was in the local hotel. The marriage broke down after 20 years due to exh cheating. I remarried 17 years ago now and DH and I got married in a castle, had a horse drawn carriage and had our reception at a medieval banqueting hall. We had about 100 guests 3 bridesmaids (1 was my dd) and a pageboy (my youngest DS). I wore a stunning dress and really had the wedding of my dreams. It was DH first wedding and his family are a bit posh so sort of expected it. I asked my MiL to help me choose my wedding dress which went down very well with my in-laws. I felt like a princess for the day.

Mariposista · 01/06/2023 10:56

My MIL had a similar experience (her now husband is my DH step-dad). Her first husband left her when my DH was a baby, after smacking her about a fair bit, terrifying her and being pretty humiliating. She has a lovely man now and they're a right pair of slashes (we usually say that they are like the newlyweds and me and DH are the boring middle agers). He hadn't been married before, and they got married when my DH was about 17. She felt really torn as her new man had not had the 'big wedding' experience, his family were excited, and felt a lot of pressure to give him 'the big day'. Like you it made her sad and panicky, but they spoke about it and he understood 100%. They compromised, made the day really personal, she did have a white dress but it was very simple, just close family and friends, and my DH gave her away (how sweet). She is actually a C of E vicar and her friend from training college did the ceremony and then they had a very small reception. I wasn't on the scene then but from what I hear it was really lovely. Be open with your partner, if he is a keeper he will understand. It's about the marriage anyway, not the wedding.

ChumleyMcGnee · 01/06/2023 10:56

Personally I would think it was lovely that you had found someone you wanted to get married to. This is also about your fiance as well as you. My Aunt was married to a man who turned into a wife beating alcoholic. My family were overjoyed when they got divorced despite her being a devout Catholic and still married in the eyes of God. She later met and married a wonderful man and everyone was just happy for her.

Marriage is about hope for the future. I think it is a shame that people view a second marriage as something to be made fun of. If they do they shouldn't be invited. No one goes into a marriage thinking it will end in divorce. Congratulations on your engagement. Don't let your wedding to your ex mar this wedding.

Soverymuchfruit · 01/06/2023 10:59

At my friend's second wedding, her new husband, her daughter and herself made vows together about how they would love each other as a family. It was incredibly moving and one of the the highlights of the day. Point being that you can openly acknowledge and embrace that this is your 2nd wedding, and this might make you feel more comfortable. Whatever you go for with the venue.

Also, my sister thought she would feel the same way about her 2nd wedding, but eventually got on with it and had a glorious happy time. Hope same holds for you.

Peonyfun · 01/06/2023 11:00

I’m not really seeing the issue, the venue is just a venue, folks won’t judge and your choice of wedding dress is yours. You don’t need to go over the top, you can wear a gorgeous slim line one.

whatsmynameaga1n · 01/06/2023 11:01

AnOKYearForTheRoses · 01/06/2023 10:38

I’m with you, OP.

My friend had two big weddings with white meringue dresses. Lots of snide comments were overheard about what the third wedding would be like, and plenty of people asked her to her face.

That is so rude of those people!

honestly OP I think most people are just happy to be invited and want to celebrate with you and have a good party, not judging you.

However you should do what you’re comfortable with and what you would most look forward to for your own sake, not to please other people.

Muhwanda · 01/06/2023 11:01

I’ve been to a couple of weddings now where I’d been to the first also, and honestly, I just felt happy that the new partner was lovely and they were clearly a much better match and was pleased my friend was happy!

as others have said you can still make it less weddingy if you want to, maybe have the ceremony later, or go black tie dress code or just have a big party? Honestly, your loved ones will just be happy for you.

Original poster

CatMattress · 01/06/2023 11:01

Yes, I've spoken to him about all of this. He told me to talk to Mumsnet 😂
We have a very no holds barred approach to communication.

He would also prefer a more informal wedding, but seriously, the barn options are like 6-10k more expensive, and don't include accommodation, or a license. He, too, said we can have an informal approach to the whole thing, but a lot of the event is proscribed by the venue (eg - 3 course sit down meal rather than street food vans or BBQ).

And yes. His first wedding. Divorce...um, not sure when it came through, a few years back? It was a big non-event when it happened.

I think some of this I've done to myself. I was going to go for a coloured dress, but the only ones I liked were about £300 and velvet, and we were going for a summer wedding. So I found a white lace knee-length one on Vinted which I adore, but looked much less formal in the photos than it looks in person. It's also longer in person because I'm short! So at least some of this is me freaking myself out!!

However we're now looking at an Autumn wedding, so maybe I could go back to that velvet dress option and let my outfit lead the feel of the day? I suppose I could order it and see how I feel in it? Would a coloured velvet dress and cream silk jacket be wedding-y enough without feeling like a caricature of a bride? I don't want to hurt DP's feelings by appearing to be less serious about this.

The thing is I want to do the ceremony in front of people we care about, he wants a big party to celebrate with people we love.

I know these are all big first world problems. I know how silly I sound, but I just don't want to feel uncomfortable about my wedding to the man I love.

OP posts:

Mariposista · 01/06/2023 11:02

Mariposista · 01/06/2023 10:56

I meant slushies, not slashes haha I am obviously so boring and middle aged that I can't read

Original poster

CatMattress · 01/06/2023 11:02

Peonyfun · 01/06/2023 11:00

Hah! Not with my tummy! Nobody needs to see that

OP posts:

GiveupHQ · 01/06/2023 11:04

Op you don’t confirm If you have talked to your partner about this?

not a good sign if you don’t feel you can

Original poster

CatMattress · 01/06/2023 11:06

GiveupHQ · 01/06/2023 11:04

Op you don’t confirm If you have talked to your partner about this?

not a good sign if you don’t feel you can

See post of 3 minutes ago - it took me a while to write it! 😊

OP posts:

Outdamnspot23 · 01/06/2023 11:09

How about doing something like a small registry office ceremony and then a PARTY rather than a “wedding”, either at the hotel or somewhere that feels more fun for you. Eg beach bar, church hall etc.

honestly you don’t need that many suppliers for a wedding - a caterer and a load of drinks from somewhere! Maybe a cake.

Aposterhasnoname · 01/06/2023 11:09

AnOKYearForTheRoses · 01/06/2023 10:38

I’m with you, OP.

My friend had two big weddings with white meringue dresses. Lots of snide comments were overheard about what the third wedding would be like, and plenty of people asked her to her face.

Well those people are cunts!

When I see people getting married for a second time I think that it’s clear that marriage vows mean a lot to them, and that the first marriage must have broken down for reasons outside their control. That may not always be true, but it’s my go to assumption.

Outdamnspot23 · 01/06/2023 11:10

Because my feeling is you want to be more celebratory than formal.

I forgot music. But you’ll have to organise that even if you’re at the hotel.

gogohmm · 01/06/2023 11:11

How about marrying in church and renting a upstairs room in a pub, village hall etc? Our local town hall for instance is a great wedding venue and use a local caterer, local band/singer for entertainment

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