Feeling foolish about wedding

[CatMattress]

Background:
Been with DP for nearly 4 years. Adore the bones of him. Properly the love of my life and an all round good bloke.

I'm divorced. Got married youngish, had two kids, stuck it out through all kinds of crap because I genuinely thought I loved him and that marriage was forever and we could overcome. This did not include the colleague he had an intense emotional affair with and to whom he was engaged before she'd even left her husband (yeah. pick the bones out of that). So. End of 15 year relationship.

Anyyyywayyyyy...
Recently engaged. Absolutely want to marry DP, despite my previous experience. My kids adore him, kept asking when we'd get married, we're a family as much as we can be when they still have a good relationship with their dad etc.

DP is keen to do a 'big' wedding. It's not huge, sub 100 people, but in order to do that we'd still have to hire a venue (the cheapest option is a hotel nearby) have a ceremony, get dressed up. I feel foolish. Stupid. Like everyone will be looking at me making this huge fuss, like I didn't already do it once and expect it to be the one and only time that time.

I think I'd feel different about something a little more relaxed and 'us' (barn, village hall etc) but the problem is that those options either cost way more money in total than the hotel and/or require the kind of time that neither of us can spend on prepping the damn thing, co-ordinating suppliers etc.

I just feel so uncomfortable about the more formal hotel wedding. It feels like wearing somebody else's clothes and putting myself up for mockery.

Would appreciate some good old fashioned Mumsnet talking-to. But be a little bit nice - I have epic PMT and am rather tearful!

You love this man and it sounds like it’s his first (and hopefully) only wedding. His idea is also cheaper - no brainier from me. Why not give him the wedding he wants - if someone is critical I would uninvited them.

I also think you are being too oversensitive about your first wedding - I was shocked when your issue was you had the big wedding before and felt a fraud doing it again. It would not cross my mind to even think about your first wedding - for all people know this is your first wedding as in maybe you had never married the kids dad - who cares! You have found your soul mate now how lovely

OP, have the wedding YOU and your DP want - fuck what anyone else thinks. If you don't want a huge dress and a big recepetion, do. But if you do, don't be put off by the fact that it is you second wedding. Weddings are about love and hope. Everyone who gets married is hoping for a long and happy marriage. Sometimes, it doesn't work out. So when people go hopefully and joyfully into the next one, that should be celebrated, any way you choose. People who make snide comments are vile and should not be invited!

This ☝

If you want a smaller wedding because it's important to you, then do that.

If you want a smaller wedding because of the options of others, then you need to squash that. People who judge don't matter and people who matter don't judge.

Personally, anyone I know who married a second time was so much happier in their second marraige & it was definitely worth a oodles celebration.

What about a fancy pub with lovely beer garden/playground? Or weird places like nature reserves/wildfowl places often do weddings.

Be honest with yourself - would you hate the hotel wedding if it it were your first?

@CatMattress does it have to be a barn? Im chair of a lovely village community centre. We dress the rooms, tables, chairs etc with bunting and accessories in the couples theme. The wedding package includes a day and a half of the whole venue for dressing the night before and coming the day after to collect the left behind bits and bobs the couple may have brought.

We don’t have room for an outside marquee but I know some community centres do.

our price is £400 ish.

We also have a bar that volunteers manage with reasonably priced good selection and full catering kitchen and know local caterers to recommend.

we can also have marriages done at our hall due to some hoops we jumped through.

We’ve had some lovely weddings here. Think we have room for 60 sat down at tables… but many more for an evening do.

we can’t be the only community centre like this. :)

If you want it, do it, and don’t let anyone’s thoughts hold you back! When my mum and stepdad got married it was her 3rd marriage and his 2nd. They eloped abroad and then threw a massive fancy hotel party . I don’t think anyone judged them or felt anything other than happiness at their happiness, they’ve been together 25 years now and I don’t think anyone ever really thinks about the fact they were once married to other people (except occasionally when my dad is relevant)

OP weddings are expensive not just to organise but also for guests. Outfit, travel, gifts. Especially as so many brides these days show zero consideration for guests.

That's why people are snide about second big weddings. It's a major imposition.

I see nothing wrong with a second wedding provided that you're considerate. Pick an easy venue rather than something pretty that's miles away, in the middle of nowhere. Feed your guests properly. You'll be good to go.

Also plenty of people don't have a big white wedding even as their first anyway. As they're so expensive!

Correction - couples not brides

Do you have a cricket club near you? Ours has wedding marquees up after the season ends in September. Plenty of outdoor space, use their loos.

I am planning my second wedding and have similar feelings to you - neither of us wanted a 'stuffy' hotel, sit down dinner etc but also wanted a package because of the cost (and hassle) of hiring caterers etc. We have found a venue near us that fits the bill - much more relaxed than a hotel (it's on a farm) but still has a lot of the convenience - food, place to stay etc. If you get Bridebook app you can filter different types of places (that's how we found our venue).

Whereabouts are you OP, maybe we can help!

@CatMattress why not a tiny registry office wedding with a handful of your best people then do a village hall party in the evening, with a hog roast and mobile bar?

We got married in a hotel and it wasn't overly formal. We got married late in the day, so didn't have a sit down meal, just had some drinks and nibbles after the ceremony and then straight in to the evening do. No formal speeches (my Dad said a few informal words after we cut the cake, because he wanted to).

I married for the second time after my DH died very young. DH not married before.

I was being very low key but DH felt that when I though of my wedding he wanted it to not just be my first I thought of IYSWIM

We had an outdoor wedding and lots of ppl and ended up being amazing and I am glad I did it. But we completely changed from original vision-think outside the box a bit!

Agree with PP-where are you-can the hive brain help?

Hey - so thank you all for such supportive comments. I spoke to DP at lunch and said I just felt massively uncomfortable with the hotel and he instantly said the feel of the day was just as important as the cost and we would keep looking, so I've found two more farm/barn type venues that also do ceremonies and after some serious digging, discovered a local Inn that might fit the bill.

The Inn is seriously, far and away the cheapest, room hire for this year is £300, plus £25 per head for a buffet, so we could feed and water people until it leaked out of their ears and come in under £5k! Going to pop along tomorrow and have a look at it, as it's not one I've been to before but is only one village over. Can pop some links in if you lot want to be nosy? 😆

I have to say, DP's reaction to my freak out has just made me want to marry him even more. What a gem.

If we do the local pub option we'll have to do the ceremony in Aylesbury, which might have the silver lining of a fabulous car to take us between venues. This is something DP muttered about, but wasn't necessary with the hotel, so that would be nice for him <3

Also, I love the idea of a village hall type venue, but all the ones round here fall down on one of the following!

• No outdoor space
• Not enough indoor space
• Butt ugly

Location is North Bucks/MK/West Beds/East Ox kind of area...
We can do the do in Bicester, MK or Aylesbury or probably some other places too but those are the registry offices I'm aware of

(And FYI, voluntary contributions to one of three chosen charities is the only gift we're asking)

I just wanted to say that this made me tear up. You absolutely deserved your special day that YOU wanted and I am SO happy you got it the second time around!

Bit left field but I see Leighton Buzzard Friends Meeting House has a garden which is part of the “quiet garden” movement. Despite the name I actually hired one of these gardens for my wedding (we didn’t have to be quiet) and it was delightful.

The Inn sounds great though!! And very low stress.

Have you had a look at this map of licensed venues in Buckinghamshire? (Just realised exactly where Buckinghamshire is so thanks for that!)

Woops https://weddings.buckscc.gov.uk/find-my-venue/

You don't need to feel foolish about it being a second wedding at all. If you want a big do you should have one. However, if you want something a bit more low key, I get that too and would think the same if you were 23 and it was your first wedding too. I actually think low key weddings are a bit cooler and more modern anyway (sorry to your dp)!