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Original poster

Feeling foolish about wedding

80 replies

CatMattress · 01/06/2023 10:32

Background:
Been with DP for nearly 4 years. Adore the bones of him. Properly the love of my life and an all round good bloke.

I'm divorced. Got married youngish, had two kids, stuck it out through all kinds of crap because I genuinely thought I loved him and that marriage was forever and we could overcome. This did not include the colleague he had an intense emotional affair with and to whom he was engaged before she'd even left her husband (yeah. pick the bones out of that). So. End of 15 year relationship.

Anyyyywayyyyy...
Recently engaged. Absolutely want to marry DP, despite my previous experience. My kids adore him, kept asking when we'd get married, we're a family as much as we can be when they still have a good relationship with their dad etc.

DP is keen to do a 'big' wedding. It's not huge, sub 100 people, but in order to do that we'd still have to hire a venue (the cheapest option is a hotel nearby) have a ceremony, get dressed up. I feel foolish. Stupid. Like everyone will be looking at me making this huge fuss, like I didn't already do it once and expect it to be the one and only time that time.

I think I'd feel different about something a little more relaxed and 'us' (barn, village hall etc) but the problem is that those options either cost way more money in total than the hotel and/or require the kind of time that neither of us can spend on prepping the damn thing, co-ordinating suppliers etc.

I just feel so uncomfortable about the more formal hotel wedding. It feels like wearing somebody else's clothes and putting myself up for mockery.

Would appreciate some good old fashioned Mumsnet talking-to. But be a little bit nice - I have epic PMT and am rather tearful!

OP posts:

bert3400 · 01/06/2023 11:12

I'm on my 2nd marriage... similar situation. DH first marriage. We went abroad. Hired a house, all our important people stayed in the house, friends hired villas near location, had a holiday as it was half term . Had an amazing week and then got married at the end. Was the best day ever. I think in total was about 15k but I imagine would of spent that on a UK wedding easily and we got a holiday too .

Trickedbyadoughnut · 01/06/2023 11:12

I would say if any of the people you are going to invite would actually be sneery, then strike them immediately from the guest list. Do not invite that kind of negativity to your day!

Then go ahead and have a fabulous celebration with your DF ❤

gogohmm · 01/06/2023 11:14

I've been thinking about this a lot, and for me it's church and a party approach, not too many guests

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Weddings

Smartiepants79 · 01/06/2023 11:17

Are there really no other venue options within a reasonable distance? It’s unusual nowadays for venues to not offer more flexibility on food options. I’ve been to hotel weddings in the last 5 years that had curry buffet, hog roast and bbq as the main meal?
I think definitely wear what you want. It can be less formal with the way you do speech’s and any entertainment you choose.
I would also expect everyone there to be people who loved you and therefore nothing but happy for you and ready to celebrate.

LosingMyPancakes · 01/06/2023 11:19

I felt very uncomfortable about the big, prescribed wedding (my first and only!) as I hate the whole circus that comes with it. So we did a ceremony for family only at our town hall (8 people) and a weekend getaway with friends and family to celebrate after (14 people in a rented cottage with private catering).

ToBeOrNotToBee · 01/06/2023 11:21

I completely feel you.

I'm not even on wedding no 1 and I'm dreading a big do.

I came across this venue which seems perfect for me, and also for you guys.

Have a look

g.co/kgs/AhkatF

Emptyandsad · 01/06/2023 11:23

For my second wedding, we got married in the local registry office with 2 dog walkers as witnesses and that evening had dinner at home with a few close friends and family. Then, a couple of days later we had a big lunch (60 people) in a hotel. Just had a brilliant time. Felt intimate and personal at the wedding, lovely dinner with loved ones to celebrate and then a joyful lunch

Original poster

CatMattress · 01/06/2023 11:24

We're both determined atheists, so church is out, but I think maybe we need to have another think about how we do this.

The hotel we're using does offer a 'dry hire' option where we can have outside caterers, but it costs almost the same as the fully catered option! Marquees cost a fortune and nobody has big gardens these days. There will be dozens of kids so outdoor space is important to us (hopefully the weather behaves!) and all the more informal options round here have no outdoor space and limited parking.

Just very aware that if we want the hotel, we'll need to book it soon, but DP is having a 'mare at work so I don't want to Bridezilla him when he doesn't have the headspace (hence why he directed me to you lot I think!)

OP posts:

Whichwhatnow · 01/06/2023 11:25

There are definitely ways you can have a lovely wedding on the cheap if that's what you want. For mine I wore a black satin dress I already owned, my mum did the flowers, it was a registry office in the smallest room and then a big after party at the local working men's club which my mum and siblings catered for (and no fee because it was a paid bar 😬). But if you really deep down want the big white wedding then nobody is going to judge you for it! I know loads of people on their second wedding who have done the whole white dress, formal dinner etc thing and absolutely nobody has been anything other than delighted to be invited and celebrate their friend/family members love ❤️

queenMab99 · 01/06/2023 11:27

I was in my late 40s with 2 adult sons, for my second marriage, and never considered a traditional wedding dress, it would have felt undignified somehow. I had a dark dress and jacket, with a cream wedding type hat. Ceremony was in the local registry office/ town hall, held in the wood panelled council chamber, and the reception at a hotel across the road. Didn't cost an arm and a leg.

Whichwhatnow · 01/06/2023 11:28

Emptyandsad · 01/06/2023 11:23

This is very similar to me, we only had both sets of parents at the actual wedding (partly because I hate being centre of attention!) then a big party after. It was perfect!

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 01/06/2023 11:32

My second marriage was in large country pub, we had about 40 day guests and an evening do for those who attended the day do and other friends and family. The whole thing done in the same place so didn't feel 'formal'

jamdonut · 01/06/2023 11:32

I’ve recently remarried. Husband was a widower, me divorced. We got married in a church, but had a lovely ‘reception’… more of a party … in a lovely pub who did a spectacular buffet for 40 people, and their Alexa for music! It was very laid back… no formalities apart from cutting a wedding cake, and everybody said how much they enjoyed it! We have some lovely memories!
we

Nicecow · 01/06/2023 11:33

Is eloping an option? Have you talked to him about how you feel? If not, just enjoy the wedding. Honestly, your friends and family will be thrilled for you, no one will be thinking what you think. Be happy amd enjoy it 😊

FlamingoQueen · 01/06/2023 11:33

What about a village hall? They are normally much cheaper and you can rope in some friends to help decorate etc. Have a pizza van (or whatever!) and just have fun!

MumblesParty · 01/06/2023 11:33

If your DH wants lots of guests, could you not make it more of a “celebration party” with less emphasis on the wedding stuff. Leave out some of the traditions, like white dress, top table and speeches and all that. It could be more of a “we’re getting married, come along and then come to the party”, rather than “come to our wedding”. I would also not ask for gifts at all. You can’t ask friends to kit our your marital home more than once in a lifetime!

You can still have a big celebration without making the event classically wedding-like.

MumblesParty · 01/06/2023 11:34

Nicecow · 01/06/2023 11:33

I think OP said her husband wants lots of friends there

theemmadilemma · 01/06/2023 11:35

Keep looking for venues. Try country pub/resturants. Often they have large function rooms, that might have the kind of feel you want and allow you that more relaxe vibe.

Do not, I repeat, do not, do something you don't feel is right.

I loved my 2nd wedding. Far better than the first. A fraction of the cost, relaxed vibe, and completely us. I wouldn't change that for the world.

ElephantGrey101 · 01/06/2023 11:36

Does the hotel do other food options like a hot buffet or anything like that. Have a chat with their wedding coordinator. What could you do to make it less formal and more you?

A lot of informal wedding cost the earth. Very expensive to be hiring marquees and food trucks etc.

How much of the worry is you not wanting a fussy wedding and how much is a fear of being judged? I have been to a couple of second weddings that were bigger than the first one. Everton’s said how lovely they were.

Clymene · 01/06/2023 11:38

Have a registry office wedding, hire a room upstairs in a pub.

milveycrohn · 01/06/2023 11:44

Worse wedding I ever went to was my DS first wedding. All the usual stuff, etc, but I think we knew it would end in divorce, etc
Best wedding I ever went to was same DS second wedding.
They married in church and informal reception in a nearby restaurant. I would say about 20 to 30 people. Lots of friends as well as family. With hindsight, this must have been expensive, as it was a London Restaurant (with home made cake).
I will admit that this excluded young children, and I had to have my DC - then aged 3yr and 9mth - looked after, but as it was not all day, this worked well.

spudulike1 · 01/06/2023 11:46

My DB got married for the second time last year. 1st wedding was a small occasion much more suited to him but the second one was huge. It was his wife's first wedding. No one commented on it being a big do and he may have moaned a little about all the staged photos but was dancing the night away soon enough. It was amazing and to see him so happy after a few tough years (I am really understating that). He had his children as his grooms women and they adore his new wife. I cant begin to think there would have been any negativity about how big it was. It was joyous

Onelifeonly · 01/06/2023 11:47

I don't think a hotel necessarily makes it a grand affair though the surroundings are usually smarter than many other venues. I've been to second weddings held in hotels, also many landmarks birthdays, anniversaries etc. To be honest, I've been to hotels for these things more often than not. (And I hate the village hall vibe - I attended many teen parties back in the day in those kinds of places and they don't seem appropriate to an important celebration to me.)

You can make it whatever you want it to be. Wear whatever you feel comfortable with - one of my friends wore a skirt suit (years ago). Another a short smart cream dress. My cousin wore a coloured party dress. It's fine to celebrate in style - just don't feel obliged to invite anyone who will make you uncomfortable - though even that is likely to be in your head only.

Doggymummar · 01/06/2023 11:56

I have been married and divorced three times so from experience sod other people and do what you and partner want. I had two overseas weddings and a registry office one about the same number of people came to each. I was married at 19 33 and 36 and wore a massive Princess Diana dress the first time, a red silk dress second time and a cream tea length dress the third time. It's important to please yourselves.

Aw273 · 01/06/2023 11:57

Have you thought about a pub instead of the more formal hotel? A nice countryside, old fashioned one, that will let you take over the whole place and do a set menu for you? Some will have a license to do the wedding on site, or you can just use a registry office for that bit

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