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Original poster

If you/ your DP went to boarding school, have you made the same choice for your own children?

56 replies

SpanielsByTheSea · 29/05/2023 16:43

We have many friends who went to boarding school (especially the men). DH attended an 'elite' all boy's boarding school, followed by his three brothers. It occurred to me earlier that none of our friends who themselves attended boarding school have made that choice for their own children, although most are in a financial position to do so. We haven't even really considered this as an option. To us, sending kids to live away felt very outdated, and a long way away from our values as parents. Ours' have attended a mixture of village primary school, prep and independent day schools.

Is this other people's experience, or do we just know an unusual cohort? If there is no longer a tradition of 'boarding school' families sending their children to boarding school, who on earth is? Maybe there's a whole new group of people making this choice (overseas families perhaps), or will these schools eventually become day schools, or fizzle out?

OP posts:
DramaAlpaca · 29/05/2023 16:50

DH went to boarding school, I went to a girls' grammar. Absolutely no way would we have sent our three sons to boarding school, in fact we decided not to go down the private school route at all and they were all state educated. None of DH's siblings sent their children to boarding school either.

GingerPigz · 29/05/2023 16:56

I went to boarding school purely because my parents lived/worked overseas. I loved it and feel the experience really helped make me a well rounded young adult. Had we been in a financial position to do so, I would definitely have considered it for our own DCs but DH (who didn't go to boarding school) has always been against the idea.

Hardbackwriter · 29/05/2023 16:59

Neither DH or I went to boarding school but we know between us quite a few men who did (thinking about it I don't know any women who did) and while the children are mostly too young for a definitive decision yet so far they all say their own children won't go to boarding school. One of them is my university friend who at 21 was absolutely adamant that boarding was the best way and that he would absolutely be sending his own children to the same school that his family men had been going to for generations. He changed his mind as soon as his eldest was born. He is a very different father to his own father in many, many ways.

I do still know two men who insist that boarding was amazing and their school days were the best of their lives, etc. Perhaps not coincidentally, neither of them have had to decide whether to send their own children because neither of them can conduct a functional romantic relationship.

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General education Private schooling
Simonjt · 29/05/2023 17:00

My husband attended a well known boarding school, he wouldn’t support any of our children going to boarding school. Residential school however due to additional needs would be a different matter.

palygold · 29/05/2023 17:08

I was a boarder, but not from a very young age, and I've been a day pupil. I did consider it for my DC but it wasn't a given.

TonTonMacoute · 29/05/2023 17:08

DH boarded and had quite a mixed experience.

Our DS asked to board at his prep school from age 12, and it was planned to board him after that as we live in quite a remote spot, but obviously if he had hated it we would not have made him continue. Many of his prep school friends also boarded quite happily.

I'm not saying he was never homesick, and he liked coming home (which was every two or three weeks) but on the whole he was very happy at school and still has close friends from then (he's 24). As an only child I think it was good for him to be living with other young people for part of the year,

DonnaHadDee · 29/05/2023 17:10

I went to boarding school, as did my two older brothers. Growing up it was the default, and I never thought anything of it. Never really knew there an another option! Our youngest boy also went to boarding school, it was his choice (as we we moving to a different area at the time, and he wanted to do that). Our older boy did not.

Original poster
SpanielsByTheSea · 29/05/2023 17:11

Interesting that some people have considered it, but no-one on the thread so far has gone for boarding school for their own children. That suggests it's pretty usual for children of boarders not to board themselves.

Does that mean there are now far fewer children in boarding school, or is the cohort coming from elsewhere?

OP posts:
Neolara · 29/05/2023 17:15

My DH and I both boarded. Both of us were adamant that out kids wouldn't board. We sent them to the local state school. Them being part of our local community is something that is important to both of us as we didn't have this ourselves growing up.

SaltyGod · 29/05/2023 17:16

My DH went to a well known boarding school, loved it, and would happily send our DC there if they wanted to go. It would be entirely up to them. He boarded from 8, but would rather they went from 13 at the earliest.

Many of our friends also boarded, male and female. All except one would send their children boarding from 13, some from younger. There is only one (female) who isn’t tbh at keen to board her children but would if they were desperately keen to. She went to a very strict catholic school run by nuns, and wasn’t in the UK, and thought it was a bit joyless but ok.

I suspect it depends strongly on if the parents enjoyed it. They all seemed to.

Delphigirl · 29/05/2023 17:17

We both went to well known boarding schools. 4 kids, sent them to private day school EXCEPT at 16 my elders tasked to board so she went to her fathers old school for sixth form.

we wanted them at home.

Delphigirl · 29/05/2023 17:18

My eldest asked to board, that should say

Simianwalk · 29/05/2023 17:18

My dad very much decided never to send us as he hated it so much. I am very pleased he didn't as I would have hated it. He had a very functional relationship with his parents, but not close at all.

JustanothermagicMonday1 · 29/05/2023 17:25

I have loads of friends who boarded and have sent their DC to board from Year 9 onwards provided the child wanted to board. For a confident child who wants to hang out with friends, do lots of co-curricular activities available round the clock, it is a good choice. For a shy, introverted child maybe less so.

There is no one size fits all.

What seems to have changed these days is that many weekly board so termly boarding is more unusual, except for overseas students.

14 year olds hanging out together, playing sports, doing 2 hours of homework a night is still more productive than messing around streets, being on screens permanently or exhausted from a long commute etc.

Obviously for people who live close to great schools with great cocurricular offerings and friends close by, boarding would be less attractive.

Lots of my nieces and nephews have boarded and loved it and claim the friends they make are of a different calibre, more like siblings/cousins than friends. I suppose they grow up together in a boarding environment through those very defining years -13-18 - so they forge each other’s identities.

BagLadyHere · 29/05/2023 17:26

My parents boarded but it seemed absurd to send ours. My sibling sent theirs and they seem pretty messed up though I acknowledge this could be because their mother is batshit.

User48321 · 29/05/2023 17:27

I went to boarding school for a few years, and so did DC1. I was a lot happier at boarding school than at my previous private day school. DC1 really enjoyed boarding school - which gave them loads of extracurricular opportunities. DC's school was so much better than mine was - there was absolutely nothing to do at my boarding school, other than homework.

Clymene · 29/05/2023 17:29

I don't know anyone who boarded who has boarded their children. The ones who were sent at 7 are particularly against it.

SoTedious · 29/05/2023 17:29

I'm one of four siblings, we all went to boarding school but none of us have sent our children. Three of us chose state education and one a private day school.

Cherryblossoms85 · 29/05/2023 17:29

I would send them if I could, but I doubt we can afford it.

teezletangler · 29/05/2023 17:34

Most people who went to boarding school would not be able to afford it for their own children now. It's vastly more expensive than a generation ago (the facilities are also a lot fancier on the whole). It's also overall a dying model, I think. Social norms have changed.

We do have quite a lot of "legacy families" at the boarding school where DH teaches, but it is not in the UK and there is financial aid available for these families as they see this group as very important.

GeraltsBathtub · 29/05/2023 17:35

I know people who boarded because they lived fairly remotely and there weren’t other schools in easy reach or not ones who offered what they wanted (particularly for A-levels), I presume that cohort still exists.

Slon · 29/05/2023 17:38

Yes, we have.
I boarded (full boarder) for sixth form and DD is doing the same.

Original poster
SpanielsByTheSea · 29/05/2023 17:44

We always said that DH’s middle brother would be the one whose children would most likely follow in their father’s boarding school footsteps, as he’s the one who is perhaps the most influenced by his school experience. (And he’s very rich.) As it turns out, his three teens are all cool and urban, all perfectly happy with their lives in central London, very much part of their community and about the least likely kids I could imagine shipping out for a life on the rural public school hockey pitch. His wife is Swedish (and fabulous) and I imagine an English boarding school is very much not her sort of thing at all.

OP posts:
TiredOfCleaning · 29/05/2023 17:47

No no and no.

DH had parents in the diplomatic service and so boarding school was stabilising. He also went to school in the early 60s.

I am from a different country without a culture of boarding school so the concept is alien to me.

Our oldest is quite severely disabled so not a candidate. And our younger is happy at the local school,

Tyntesfield · 29/05/2023 17:58

I went to boarding school and was miserable for years. My parents acted as though this was just part of life's general shittiness and I simply had to deal with it, nothing anybody could do to change things.

No chance that I'd send my own children.

A couple of my old school friends have now got children who are boarders, but I think they're people who quite enjoyed their school days. And have extraordinary amounts of spare money.