Are you also the only person in your family who understands that food is a regular, daily occurance?

[WhereMyRosemaryGoes]

I do 100% of the food thinking and food shopping, and 90% of the cooking (10% is me giving explicit instructions about how to cook a particular meal while I'm out doing football runs and Scouts pick-ups).

Everyone in the family is very busy Monday - Friday and I am the only one who also works a full day on Saturday (not for fun, obvs - I have a second job so we can scrape by). I should not have to cook on Saturdays. I should not have to think about food on Saturdays. I have explicitly told my family this. I have explained in words of very few syllables that between the 4 of them (aged from 10 - 50) they should make there be food one evening a week. And what's more they should do it with enthusiasm and thought and grace.

Every single week this comes as a big surprise to them. So, I either have to keep reminding them (which is NOT THE SAME as not thinking about food on Saturday) and then they ask me what they should do, and it's impossible to say "I'm not telling you" without coming off as an arse.

And I don't think it's fair if Saturday is takeaway night - why should I cook 6 nights out of 7 only for them to order a curry on their one night (SHARED BETWEEN 4 OF THEM)?

I am steadfastly resolute. I will not break. They will bloody well make there be food one night a week even if it kills me and breaks up this family.

I do wish they would just cheerfully do it though. Like I do. Every single other night. Once again DH is stood in the kitchen looking hard done by and asking if I'm going to be hungry or if they should just do something for the four of them.

How have you not blown your top by now. You must have the patience of a saint.

Have you made it super clear that each Saturday they don't bother equals a week following of you not bothering? Your DH needs to take the lead on this x

Stay strong! You've become Default Keeper of All Things Food, and you must throw that title off your shoulders like a heavy winter coat as the sun comes out

And if you want to not be an arse saying 'I'm not telling you', you could try 'It's not my job today. It's your job. We talked about this.' and leave them all to it.

Well for a start I wouldn't be happy about ordering a take out when it's coming from extra money you are earning from a second job to support you all.

You're basically working for that takeout that way.

What I would suggest is meal planning each week as a family.

Plan what's to be had each day and what ingredients are needed. Do an online shop.

Then split the cooking between each person dependent on evening plans.

Even if it's a pasta bake or something shoved in a slow cooker in the morning cooking needs to be split between you all throughout the week - remove the idea you're abandoning them on a Saturday to fend for themselves and introduce the idea that you each cook to spread the load as part of everyday life.

Then casually throughout the week if others don't take their turn mention how you're very sorry you can't run them to football (or whatever) this evening but you need to cook dinner because it wasn't done. (If they don't do it!)

I don't understand why you're cooking the remaining six days a week and letting them get away with doing nothing?

All the cooking should be split between you - the majority being done by the parents and then the children maybe doing one night a week (each or together depending on their ages and abilities).

How bloody dare he!!! You go to work all day and he's trying to get out of making your your tea when you get home?? LTB.

Can they cook?
Do you let them cook? (You say that they do with explicit instructions - maybe you need to step back?

(Do you have an airfryer? My DC12 can make chips ect in the airfryer and use an ocean for freezer pizza.)

🤣 it's oven not ocean!

Lol - I feel better having ranted all that and got some friendly replies. As soon as I hit 'post' I worried that I'd get a load of "why on earth do you allow it? Couldn't be me!" replies which would have made my eye twitch because I know it's idiotic.

I know it's silly being the Default Keeper of All Things Food. It just always seems easier for me to make something delicious in 20 minutes than for any of them to labour glumly over something bland and grey for an hour. I'm a good cook and I don't usually find it a chore.

This only applies to food. Every other household task is shared fairly.

They're getting better @Ylvamoon

We have a lot of restrictions and allergies, so I do concede that cooking for the family is not straightforward.

17yo loathes cooking but volunteers to be sous chef or do clean up if she can avoid the actual cooking. She's got the best ideas about flavour and designing a meal from ingredients. She doesn't mind making salsa or guac sort of things.

15yo makes a mean curry. He can also do a pasta sauce or a stir-fry without guidance. He's the best one really.

11yo plays on being the baby of the family and gets away with murder. Lazy little toad.

DH will never be Gordon Ramsey at this point. He absolutely refuses to use salt in his cooking, and never cooks anything for long enouch.

This is me except no days off. I make sure there’s freezer pizza. If not he’d do crisps on toast or some shite.

I recently went back to work FT and found I was still doing all the meals/planning/shopping. In the Christmas break that year when we were at home I sat everyone down and explained it’s not fair when I’m the person working the most and they begrudgingly agreed to split the days we cooked.
what happens now is DH wanders around the house on his days complaining there’s no food in the house, what shall we have for tea etc etc half hoping I’ll solve it for him.
I have to steadfastly refuse to engage in this performance otherwise it’ll be me sorting this shit out and me having to expend brain power solving his (tiny) problem.
I suggest you do something similar and give your DH half of the week to deal with but my tip to you in don’t engage on those days. Create the space for them to step up.

I do a Rough meal plan each week and buy the ingredients, but on Saturday and Sunday I don’t cook unless absolutely necessary. Although it would be nice if they would think of the meal as well, it’s not that hard to just write down “spag Bol” then if they ask you just say “look at the meal plan, google recipe, if necessary”.

I feel your pain. Years ago, in similar circumstances I went on cooking strike for a fortnight. I told them in advance, left some cash available for the teenagers, absented myself most days at mealtimes and just ignored the problem.

Sitting in a lovely park eating a takeaway while they floundered around in the kitchen was very therapeutic.

They did all apologise and things markedly improved after that.

Would you consider meal boxes for a while - gousto type thing? Or would you still feel like that's you doing the thinking? It's been a game changer for us. The recipe is there, the stuff is there to make it, first one in can get on with doing it (even the 17yo who hates cooking will do one occasionally in our house - tho he's more a chicken in the airfryer person!

I was the default food person for a long time and it pretty much destroyed my previous love of cooking so I feel your pain.

I don't have a partner, so what I'm saying worked for me, worked with my teens. I suppose you could use it on your partner too (but I'd be especially pissed off with a grown man treating me like your dp does).

I menu plan. I ask them all when I do that, what their one meal is for that week. They all think of their meal and I do the shop (online). I write a list of the meals and who is cooking them on a board in the kitchen.

They know that is their day and their meal and they cheerfully cook it with no cajoling at all oh no

We all clear up after the meal.

This did actually work for me. Slightly less so now as my 2 dds are both at university and my next dd is using her a levels as a reason not to do anything around the house. My 14 yo son is resolutely being terrible at cooking, but when I have the energy I'll train him.

I hear you.
Dh likes to think he's a good cook but when it's his turn we get some random combinations and usually a couple of hours later than I'd like.
It's hard to let go.
I'd be happy with beans or egg on toast some nights and it's the expectation for actual meals that annoys me.

I sit down once a week and plan meals with the family and buy the ingredients. If anyone asks me what’s for dinner, I tell them to look at the plan (I’d be asked up to five times a day and I got sick of them not listening to the answer)

on days I don’t feel like cooking, they already know what’s on the board so they can do it.

This is really good advice and we did it for a while and it was GREAT because it removed the mental load. We stopped because the meals get samey after a while and we were all getting a bit bored - but I did love not having to think about it. Maybe we should start up again or try a different company.

YES @Theimpossiblegirl . If I lived alone I'd cook once or twice a week.

I think you over estimate everyone’s skill/inclination to cook, but I do get the pattern you’ve fallen in to.

It would be nice if you could have the takeaway on a night you’re home so you benefit from a night off. If they get something out of the freezer and cook for themselves on the night you’re out they can’t go wrong, surely? It’s literally oven on, in, timing, out, eat.

Standing shoulder to shoulder with you @WhereMyRosemaryGoes
It's fucking endless
They have no concept of if you finish the milk/juice/coffee/teabags you either
A. Go and buy more
B.Write it on the shopping list
I'm not their house keeper and will not go round checking

Totally understand. I work Sundays, but am very lucky DH cooks 90% of the time after I come home from wok - admittedly it's usually something with rice (chilli, risotto or with rice on the side) so I have to drop a big hint for something different sometimes, but he does it. Only times he doesn't is if he's on call and had something going on in the afternoon or he's finishing off diy/met up with friends and back a bit late.

I'd tell your DH you need a break from being Keeper of the Food. And he is now Keeper of the Food for the next 12 months.

Let him think, plan, shop and cook every meal for the next 12 months.

Then see if he wants to split it after that.

We find it becomes samey too Rosemary and youngest DC is a bit fussy so it's not perfect! Like you say though it just takes out a bit of that mental load. When we've done it for a few weeks we take a break and the break week meal plan is all the basics as I feel like we've had some variety in the meal box weeks! So a week of pizza, spag bol, jacket potato etc feels like a change rather than boring.