Are you also the only person in your family who understands that food is a regular, daily occurance?

[WhereMyRosemaryGoes]

I do 100% of the food thinking and food shopping, and 90% of the cooking (10% is me giving explicit instructions about how to cook a particular meal while I'm out doing football runs and Scouts pick-ups).

Everyone in the family is very busy Monday - Friday and I am the only one who also works a full day on Saturday (not for fun, obvs - I have a second job so we can scrape by). I should not have to cook on Saturdays. I should not have to think about food on Saturdays. I have explicitly told my family this. I have explained in words of very few syllables that between the 4 of them (aged from 10 - 50) they should make there be food one evening a week. And what's more they should do it with enthusiasm and thought and grace.

Every single week this comes as a big surprise to them. So, I either have to keep reminding them (which is NOT THE SAME as not thinking about food on Saturday) and then they ask me what they should do, and it's impossible to say "I'm not telling you" without coming off as an arse.

And I don't think it's fair if Saturday is takeaway night - why should I cook 6 nights out of 7 only for them to order a curry on their one night (SHARED BETWEEN 4 OF THEM)?

I am steadfastly resolute. I will not break. They will bloody well make there be food one night a week even if it kills me and breaks up this family.

I do wish they would just cheerfully do it though. Like I do. Every single other night. Once again DH is stood in the kitchen looking hard done by and asking if I'm going to be hungry or if they should just do something for the four of them.

Does it have to be a 'proper meal' every day?
It genuinely surprises me that people put so much thought into food (I don't mean that in a critical way at all, I just can't imagine it!)
We chuck a couple of spuds in the oven, whoever is home first.. jacket potatoes with whatever is around.. salad, beans, left over spag bol, a quick pasta with loads of veg another night, (and make too much..freeze some) a super fast home made curry... beans on toast!
Meals don't have to be planned affairs. You can eat a good healthy diet without effort if you don't want to cook.

I am the Keeper of All Things Food in my family. This consists of

• Chairperson of weekly family meeting to decide weekly dinner menu
• Assigning Chef for each night
• Assigning top up shoppers for any fresh veg meat needed during the week
• Doing the online order, being there for it & putting it away
• I cook 50% of the time if I’m being generous
• Takeaways are limited to once every two weeks and when ALL can enjoy them them
• A list & pen is on the counter and everyone is told if you finish x, add x to the list for the weekly order because I’m not hunting through all the cupboards to determine yes we have run out of peanut butter or your favourite crackers.

This system works for us, perhaps elements may work for you? What your family has is clearly making everyone unhappy and you are doing too much of the work.

Oh, I forgot my most important duty. Sticking the weekly menu to the fridge! So that everyone knows what’s for dinner and who is cooking for the entire week. We run on a Thursday to Wednesday cycle. (Cheaper online delivery than weekend).

I don't understand this 'them' talk. Makes it so easy for 'them' to wriggle out of it. You're lumping your husband in with the children. He should have stepped up a very long time ago. Him first. When he does, you can give the others a named day each. But why would they step up when Dad doesn't?

Yanbu. Saturday DH gets something on the table for you or else. Designate one or two of the other days as DIY/help yourself or leftover nights. Take no interest in what they have or attempts to engage you while they stare at the freezer. Takeaway once a month on a Friday. Help the 11 year old develop skills.

I have only this year successfully extricated myself from being keeper of all things food. I do a meal once or twice a week for DH or DD only when I am in or I feel like it. More at the moment as she has exams. Less in a few weeks when she will be on holidays. DH takes initiative to do same, although to be fair I am fussy. DH has realised how bad his diet is when he is responsible for it. He's thinking in advance more. He doesn't assume it's my responsibility to think any more. DD often eats lateish but cooks well from fresh ingredients. I ask what they want adding to the shopping, they don't think, so they can use what's there or go to the shop themselves. Hard on a budget when meal planning really helps. I tend to buy basic fresh ingredients we can make a variety of things from. It's bliss, sometimes I just have a protein shake for tea.

You should stop being a martyr, no one appreciates it and you're being taken for granted.

Don't plan it all, have easier meals. When you're out of the house don't keep giving instructions over the phone. Let your husband/family work it out themselves. Just remember not to criticise if it doesn't turn out exactly how you want it to.

Our girls have grown up and left home now but I don't remember this angst over meal prep. No one starved, we had family meals, some meals were v simple, others more elaborate. We didn't have many takeaways but enjoyed eating out once or twice a week. The girls often cooked for themselves if they were with friends or activities when we ate.

@StillMedusa
We can’t do meals ad hoc.
We are on a tight budget and have food allergies so we have to preplan meals and the online shop is best because I can check ingredients without clogging up the aisles of Tescos leaning on my trolley and probably getting a parking fine for exceeding the 3hr limit.
Also lots of autism in the house and the autistic family members like to know well in advance exactly what they will be eating for dinner. They cannot handle just eating whatever.

I get it, it's not the cooking I mind it's having to ensure that's there's all the food for other meals (it's self service breakfast and lunch here, they are adults!) and the planning for evening meals including sourcing ingredients which isn't always straightforward in our town if its vaguely exotic

It's unclear if you eat with them on Saturday or not?

If so I'd leave them to their own devices on Saturday (pasta / omelettes / beans on toast) but insist they cook for the family on the Sunday. So then you get two days off cooking.

They obviously cook of you do eat with them on Saturday.

If I was working a second job aa we needed the money, I'd say absolutely no to take aways.

Yes, I am also this person. Apparently I am the only person who understands that food is something that is required three times a day by all humans in the house. No-one seems to have an issue with remembering that the dog needs two meals a day- I think I may need to become the dog 😀

As an aside, I am the only person who realises that everyone having clean pants on Monday does not equate to everyone having clean pants by Thursday.

DS will have a steep learning curve ahead of him if he hopes to survive Uni in September (far too far away to bring his laundry home!).

Give them a detailed step-by-step instruction on how to make something such as spaghetti Bolognese, pasta, Bake, roast chicken thighs , something easy that they can enjoy making and remember how to do next time
I bet half of it is because they don’t know what to make or how to make it

My co-cook is not much of a planner and there's been too much "rabbit in the headlights" on their agreed night to cook. Now I write up the menu for the week on the chalk door in the kitchen, I ask them for their ingredients a few days before so I can decide what's in the freezer and what I need to buy and that's eliminated the last minute panic. We've got past the step of them choosing recipes that use every pan in the kitchen, twice, and ingredients that are not obtainable in a 20 mile radius. Ordering a takeaway to get out of cooking is not happening here - it would have been delivery pizza every week if I let them get away with that.

In the early stages it was more work getting them to cook than doing it myself but I'm glad that I stuck to my guns. I did initially buy frozen ready chopped onions and peppers to make preparation easier for them but the training wheels are off now and I've stopped that.

The problem is you are saying them, and that absolves them all of responsibility. It's your DH who should be cooking for the family on Saturday/several other days.

Personally I think it's a lot to expect a 10yo or a 15yo to cook a meal for 5 with no direction. I would expect a 17yo to be able to cook, but I would expect the food to be there for them if they are cooking for 5.

If your happy with beans on toast leave it with them. If no food is there just eat your beans on toast at 7pm and be done. Not your issue if their hungry. Pick a day for the 15/17yo to do together and Saturday plus another day for your Dh.

I also have two family members with autism (and one with ARFID).. it still works.. they (particularly ARFID person) has a very limited number of safe foods..so they are always available if , as often happens, they are physically unable to face anything different. It's a case of having something in they CAN eat, and if they do not want a simple meal with everyone else, then they have/do that. One of mine has significant disabilities and while an adult ,is incapable of cooking, so that's when frozen left overs that they will eat come in handy.
I spent years doing lots of different meals for people until it became unsustainable. Then I stopped.

It took a while, but unless they are completely unable due to LD it is doable, honestly!

I do most of the cooking. However, I do zero of the laundry or ironing so fair's fair.

If I don't want to cook, I don't and dh picks up the slack.

I don't remind or micro manage though.

I will say this - because I do zero of the laundry/ironing, I don't think about it. Ever.

Yeah. Stamp it out OP. It's not OK.

I've had 30 years of this, much more like100% though... but long periods when DH worked away meant I just had to do it all. Trouble is now, it's 'my job'. He's away again atm, but with no kids left at home I'm looking at what's left of my life and feeling, quite strongly, I might be better off on my own.

Yep I am the keeper of the food and the laundry in our house. All of the planning, shopping, cooking. The DCs are little but DH is a fully grown adult and all he can 'cook' is noodle soup for himself. I know things will have to change.

I do refuse to salt my cooking though (I know, I know a MN crime) so I'm with him on that

To “them” you are “Mum” = the person who thinks of everything and plans everything.

Don’t allow this sexism in your own house!

Can they have one dinner they all like and that's Saturday dinner every week. Dh makes it with help from dc. No discussion. No input from you.
Or just do nothing..no conversation..head off to work and l am sure they won't starve.
Maybe Saturday could be a grazing day with no particular dinner time as long as there is no mess when you get home. I would care more about having a tidy house when l got home if l worked Saturday.

I think with 17 and 15 year old you need to think about them getting used to thinking about food - planning and cooking - so boxes or quick meals - beans on toast - tins - sausages/pasta with pesto,pancakes or meal plan so have ingredients in and tell them to look recepies up - as they are not long to having to do this completely by themselves.

My DMum would complain about having to do all cooking - but usually vocally hated it when we as tend or Dad cooked. I was lucky Dad stepped in and battered her away when I was 17 else I'd have really struggled at university. She hated it but like washing - we weren't allowed to touch her washing machine - gate kept the task which didn't help us kids long term.

So stick to your guns and see it as long term training for them.

You have too much patience. A year ago when I hit the bottom limit of my peri frustration, I declared to my family that I am 'resigning' from my post of default cook/food keeper/'what's for dinner person. I have no choice, either step up or starve. The only exception would be for my 8 year old who I wouldn't leave hungry. DH stepped up - he shops/cooks/makes decisions now. He's not a great cook and the kids sometimes get frustrated, but I keep my head down and let it all flow around me. It's amazing to be a passenger sometimes and and sometimes the driver in this area we call the kitchen.

Don't back down, in fact elect 3 nights when it's not your job.

I agree that it's not right to put all the family together as a group when looking at whose responsibility it is to cook.

It's your DH's responsibility to make sure everyone is fed when you aren't there although obviously he could delegate jobs to the children but that needs to be done fairly taking into account their abilities.

It's not right that they should order expensive takeout when you are out, having to work hard to make ends meet, however I also don't think he should have to cook a delicious homemade meal from scratch.

He should take his turn with cooking and within reason the children can help out, but he should be allowed to cook simple meals using some ready prepared ingredients without getting criticism.

I agree that it's not right to put all the family together as a group when looking at whose responsibility it is to cook.

It's your DH's responsibility to make sure everyone is fed when you aren't there although obviously he could delegate jobs to the children but that needs to be done fairly taking into account their abilities.

It's not right that they should order expensive takeout when you are out, having to work hard to make ends meet, however I also don't think he should have to cook a delicious homemade meal from scratch.

He should take his turn with cooking and within reason the children can help out, but he should be allowed to cook simple meals using some ready prepared ingredients without getting criticism.

Agree I don't get all this planned 3 meals a day thing.. also have a couple of nights oven food to make it easier.
Breakfast is cereal or toast
Lunch is sandwich or wraps or school meal
Tea is easy stuff
No angst. No stress.

I do think people make a rod for their own backs with things like this, also cleaning etc.