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Original poster

Good finances vs family size

63 replies

lollylew · 26/05/2023 21:05

Not putting a 2nd DC through nursery would save us probably 15-20k. We could use that money on holidays, future support for DC when they reach the point of buying a house, learning to drive and going to university if that’s what they choose to do. We have a very small family though - only one sibling between me and DH and we are very low contact. That’s just how it is. Because of this firsthand experience we know siblings are no guarantee, but in the same way not having one means they will never have relatives of close age to them nor nieces, nephews or in laws. Unsure if this reason alone means it’s better to have two…?

OP posts:
mindutopia · 26/05/2023 21:22

Do you want 2 children? Honestly, unless you are super strict about saving, you likely won’t save all that nursery money, just end up spending it on other things (and given inflation, it may not go far anyway). Circumstances can change a lot in 18-25 years. As a household, Dh and I make about 5x what we did when we put our first dc through nursery. We haven’t saved significantly (except for a house deposit), but we won’t have trouble paying for driving lessons or contributing to uni costs or eventually helping our dc buy a house. Because life is very different now than when we were having babies. Obviously you can never know what the future will hold, but we wanted 2 children and I would have been sad not to have them just to save a bit of money. You can always find a way and your dc can work and earn and save for lots of those things themselves too. I’d focus much more on if you want a 2nd child.

thewonderfulthingabouttigger · 26/05/2023 21:26

I think siblings are overrated. I'm one of three and I have an only. I get on with my siblings as adults but none of us got on for most of our childhoods or adolescence. On one hand I think it would be nice for my DC to have a sibling, but it isn't going to happen for various reasons and I think there are a lot of positives to it. I've got friends who are one and done because they feel they can offer a much more stable and diverse life to one than two. In terms of financial commitments and time available to dedicate to hobbies etc. They like going to places like Disneyland as well and would struggle to do all that with two.

riotlady · 26/05/2023 21:35

Depends how much you want a second really? If you really want one, then I don’t think the extra savings will make up for that lack. If you’re not that bothered then you might as well stick with an easier life (both financially and logistically)

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Original poster
lollylew · 27/05/2023 14:02

mindutopia · 26/05/2023 21:22

Do you want 2 children? Honestly, unless you are super strict about saving, you likely won’t save all that nursery money, just end up spending it on other things (and given inflation, it may not go far anyway). Circumstances can change a lot in 18-25 years. As a household, Dh and I make about 5x what we did when we put our first dc through nursery. We haven’t saved significantly (except for a house deposit), but we won’t have trouble paying for driving lessons or contributing to uni costs or eventually helping our dc buy a house. Because life is very different now than when we were having babies. Obviously you can never know what the future will hold, but we wanted 2 children and I would have been sad not to have them just to save a bit of money. You can always find a way and your dc can work and earn and save for lots of those things themselves too. I’d focus much more on if you want a 2nd child.

That’s true

OP posts:
Creasedover382 · 27/05/2023 15:41

We stuck with one due to financial reasons and I'm so glad we did. He's 14 now and the time has just flown by. We've managed to save enough for his driving lessons, first car, 2 years of uni fees. We'll hopefully be able to save enough for a house deposit by the time he needs it too and we've had some lovely holidays abroad along the way. I dont think he's suffered for being an only, he's got lots of friends. We just couldn't have done all of the above for 2 DC and giving him some financial support is really important to me. Everyone's priorities are different though.

Original poster
lollylew · 27/05/2023 16:59

Creasedover382 · 27/05/2023 15:41

We stuck with one due to financial reasons and I'm so glad we did. He's 14 now and the time has just flown by. We've managed to save enough for his driving lessons, first car, 2 years of uni fees. We'll hopefully be able to save enough for a house deposit by the time he needs it too and we've had some lovely holidays abroad along the way. I dont think he's suffered for being an only, he's got lots of friends. We just couldn't have done all of the above for 2 DC and giving him some financial support is really important to me. Everyone's priorities are different though.

This is what I’m thinking. I love babies but they’re only babies and children for such a short time, and this world is crazy expensive.

OP posts:
Original poster
lollylew · 27/05/2023 17:40

thewonderfulthingabouttigger · 26/05/2023 21:26

I think siblings are overrated. I'm one of three and I have an only. I get on with my siblings as adults but none of us got on for most of our childhoods or adolescence. On one hand I think it would be nice for my DC to have a sibling, but it isn't going to happen for various reasons and I think there are a lot of positives to it. I've got friends who are one and done because they feel they can offer a much more stable and diverse life to one than two. In terms of financial commitments and time available to dedicate to hobbies etc. They like going to places like Disneyland as well and would struggle to do all that with two.

This is such a good point

OP posts:
Creasedover382 · 27/05/2023 17:41

lollylew · 27/05/2023 16:59

This is what I’m thinking. I love babies but they’re only babies and children for such a short time, and this world is crazy expensive.

Show quote history

In an ideal world we would have been able to afford to do all of the above for 2 DC but we knew that we couldn't. I just think life's a bloody slog when you get no help to get started. I hope DS isn't disappointed that he doesn't have a sibling as he gets older. He's only said he wanted one twice-once when he started school and wished he had a big brother to look out for him on the playground and once when none of his mates could go mountain biking so he was stuck with DH.

There's no right or wrong though, I don't think you'd ever regret having 2 but at the same time I don't think you'd regret giving your only DC some financial support either.

Creasedover382 · 27/05/2023 17:44

thewonderfulthingabouttigger · 26/05/2023 21:26

I think siblings are overrated. I'm one of three and I have an only. I get on with my siblings as adults but none of us got on for most of our childhoods or adolescence. On one hand I think it would be nice for my DC to have a sibling, but it isn't going to happen for various reasons and I think there are a lot of positives to it. I've got friends who are one and done because they feel they can offer a much more stable and diverse life to one than two. In terms of financial commitments and time available to dedicate to hobbies etc. They like going to places like Disneyland as well and would struggle to do all that with two.

I also think siblings are over rated. My brother has been a pain in my arse my whole life although I do absolutely adore my niece and nephew. DH has no relationship with his siblings. He's tried really hard with them over the years but it's never been reciprocated so he's given up and they just don't bother.

SmurfHaribos · 27/05/2023 17:47

Aren’t there changes coming soon on childcare costs for babies? Support from the government? Personally I think having siblings makes a child well rounded and caring. I can tell which children are only children when they are in school and that’s not for good reasons.

Creasedover382 · 27/05/2023 17:58

SmurfHaribos · 27/05/2023 17:47

Aren’t there changes coming soon on childcare costs for babies? Support from the government? Personally I think having siblings makes a child well rounded and caring. I can tell which children are only children when they are in school and that’s not for good reasons.

If you're going to make a statement like that you need to explain it to the OP. What exactly do these only children do in school that make them standout because my DS has always been kind, caring, sensitive, thoughtful and generous. He's never had a negative comment from a teacher for his behaviour and as a teenager I've been told many times by neighbours, shop assistants, friends and family members what a lovely lad he is, how polite he is and how proud I should be of him.

Muddygreenfingers · 27/05/2023 18:04

SmurfHaribos · 27/05/2023 17:47

Aren’t there changes coming soon on childcare costs for babies? Support from the government? Personally I think having siblings makes a child well rounded and caring. I can tell which children are only children when they are in school and that’s not for good reasons.

Here we go 🙄

ssd · 27/05/2023 19:04

It really only depends on how much you want another child. I remember being pregnant with ds2 and someone at work asking me how on earth we could afford another baby. But we managed and now ds is grown up and absolutely brilliant, they both are. We've gone without so much stuff and compromised over everything except loving them 100%.

Mary46 · 27/05/2023 19:16

I have two op. I agree families complex no guarantee siblings will get on. I found two plenty gets costly after 2 kids..

toomuchlaundry · 27/05/2023 19:20

The Government have talked about additional childcare help but it isn’t happening yet and there is likely to be an election before it is implemented, so don’t make any plans on the basis of this help

BluebellBlueballs · 27/05/2023 19:21

For me, I wanted a second child so much that I didn't even consider the financials. For others, it's more of a weighing up the pros and cons.

So agree with PP, how much do you want another child.

YerAWizardHarry · 27/05/2023 19:21

£15-20k seems short… mine was £45,000 and my son is 10 now

AbreathofFrenchair · 27/05/2023 19:22

lollylew · 26/05/2023 21:05

Not putting a 2nd DC through nursery would save us probably 15-20k. We could use that money on holidays, future support for DC when they reach the point of buying a house, learning to drive and going to university if that’s what they choose to do. We have a very small family though - only one sibling between me and DH and we are very low contact. That’s just how it is. Because of this firsthand experience we know siblings are no guarantee, but in the same way not having one means they will never have relatives of close age to them nor nieces, nephews or in laws. Unsure if this reason alone means it’s better to have two…?

But what if you have a second sibling and they have the same relationship you have with yours, no/low contact?

You should have a second child because you want one and not to keep the other one company into adulthood.

To me it sounds like you would be happy to stick at one and are trying to find ways to justify it by using cost. Of course finances should be considered but if you really wanted a second child, you would plan and make it work, same as with a first.

AbreathofFrenchair · 27/05/2023 19:26

toomuchlaundry · 27/05/2023 19:20

The Government have talked about additional childcare help but it isn’t happening yet and there is likely to be an election before it is implemented, so don’t make any plans on the basis of this help

Absolutely this. I work in early years and I'm convinced it's either been used as a way to get votes and if Tories get in again, it will get shelved or if they don't and someone else does, they will either go through with it when it's not affordable and they will be chastised for spending money thats not there or they wont carry it on and be vilified for that too.

blimmyblam · 27/05/2023 19:52

I have one for financial reasons. I'd love to have had more but I'm very glad I stuck with one now and dc is 10yo.

I'm really enjoying all the extra things we can do as a family. Dc loves us being a family of three. We have no other family so no cousins etc to fill 'sibling' gaps either. I can't imagine how life would be with more dc now tbh.

Thongthrush · 27/05/2023 20:06

However they get on (or not) when they're adults, I wouldn't have wanted an only child. Only children can of course be absolutely lovely, but all the problems that my children experienced (either first or second hand) at school involved only children. One problem that only children often have is that their parents never really get to see how foul they can be, as children are always at their foulest to their siblings. This can create problems in that the parents refuse to believe that Perfect Peter could possibly ever have been bullying anyone...

I read on here some years ago that if you have one child, you're a couple with a child (or a parent with a child). If you have more than one, you're a family.

LudicrouslyCapaciousBag · 27/05/2023 20:19

£15-20k doesn’t go anywhere near as far as you seem to think it does, even with the savviest possible investment. If you don’t want a second child then don’t have one 🤷🏻‍♀️

LudicrouslyCapaciousBag · 27/05/2023 20:20

Thongthrush · 27/05/2023 20:06

However they get on (or not) when they're adults, I wouldn't have wanted an only child. Only children can of course be absolutely lovely, but all the problems that my children experienced (either first or second hand) at school involved only children. One problem that only children often have is that their parents never really get to see how foul they can be, as children are always at their foulest to their siblings. This can create problems in that the parents refuse to believe that Perfect Peter could possibly ever have been bullying anyone...

I read on here some years ago that if you have one child, you're a couple with a child (or a parent with a child). If you have more than one, you're a family.

That is an appallingly offensive comment. You’ve just told every parent dealing with secondary infertility that they aren’t a family.

BretonBlue · 27/05/2023 20:25

I read on here some years ago that if you have one child, you're a couple with a child (or a parent with a child). If you have more than one, you're a family.

What the actual fuck.

Do tell me how you categorise families where a child dies. Are they demoted from ‘family’ to ‘couple with child’? Do they get an official letter from the government to confirm this status?

Have a word with yourself.

SpringNotSprung · 27/05/2023 20:33

@mindutopia I am an only child if two only children. I have no cousins, aunts or uncles. It made me.determined to have more than one child although it was a struggle. They are grown up now and happily get on.

DH is one of three. His sisters are on different continents and didn't give more than a flying fuck about their parents. Don't remember birthdays, one doesn't contact her mother at Christmas - her dc are feral and I didn't want them near mine. Thankfully they were in the Antipodes.

You can't tell how things will work out but I didn't want DS to grow up and old alone like me, had I not met DH. If I hadn't met DH I'd have had nobody in old age. Nobody at all.