Good finances vs family size

[lollylew]

Not putting a 2nd DC through nursery would save us probably 15-20k. We could use that money on holidays, future support for DC when they reach the point of buying a house, learning to drive and going to university if that’s what they choose to do. We have a very small family though - only one sibling between me and DH and we are very low contact. That’s just how it is. Because of this firsthand experience we know siblings are no guarantee, but in the same way not having one means they will never have relatives of close age to them nor nieces, nephews or in laws. Unsure if this reason alone means it’s better to have two…?

@Nicecow So money isn't a factor but at the same time you shouldn't have children unless you can afford 'a huge house' so they can live there comfortably as a young adult and then help them with a deposit to buy their own place. OK then.

I am one of 2 and have a brilliant relationship with my sister; always did apart from about 2 years age 10/12 ish when we got on each others nerves

DH is one of 3 and has a great relationship with one db and and ok one with the other

We always wanted more than one, ended up with 2 (after a couple of losses) and really glad we did. Dd & ds get on really well the vast majority of the time and always have each other's back. We always brought them up to do that, but have plenty of other friends & interests

They have good relationships with some cousins too

In our experience days out and holidays have been better with 2 - they do stuff with us and entertain each other

Moneywise - yes we cut back on a few things whilst they were in nursery (they are 3 school years apart) but after that it was fine.

We earn much more now than when they were babies and have been able to save enough to cover driving lessons, car and house deposit (dc are 17 & 14)

For us, the pros far, far outweigh any cons; but everyone is different and you should do what you & DH really want to

In many ways my daughter was like an only child as her brother was significantly autistic.Her early friends with whom she was very close were only children. My experience was that they were and remain lovely kids who showed great compassion to my autistic son. It’s a complete nonsense to say that an only child will have some character flaw. One particular only child will be co trustee with daughter for our son. She remains very much part of our family. Family is not just blood and water. It is what you make it.

deciding factor, but if you're on the fence then worth serious consideration. I only say this as things have changed so much from when I was growing up, it's hard for young adults to get ahead unless their parents help them, that's just a reality now 🤷🏻‍♀️ my child won't have it as 'easy' as I did unfortunately

I’ve got an only, DD is 9 now. I was perfectly set up to have 2 or 3. Always worked part-time, financially very comfortable, great hands on husband. I have a house with a couple of spare bedrooms and lots of family help.

However, as much as I enjoyed having a baby and pregnancy, I hated the lack of sleep and relentlessness of it. It’s hard work and I wanted to move past that stage. Just couldn’t face doing it again as I wanted to enjoy life. I don’t feel any guilt about this. DD has a great life, she’s got no close cousins, but lots of friends, days out all the time, with a Mum and Dad who are always there for pick up/drop off with our full attention and 3 holidays a year. She’ll be sorted for uni, help when she’s older too.

I’m not saying she wouldn’t have benefitted from siblings, I love my sister but you have to do right for your family and this is right for us. That’s all anyone can do.

Oh and we are a family, even with just 3!

£15-20k doesn’t go anywhere near as far as you seem to think it does, even with the savviest possible investment. If you don’t want a second child then don’t have one

This. You don’t need to have 2 children if you only want one. You’d have LOADS more money if you had remained child free but you justified that expense because you wanted a child. Not having a child on the basis of £15-20k saving for a dual income, financially aware couple, who are already parents does rather suggest that you are happy with one.
I have 4. It’s really hard financially to give them things I would like. I was a sahp for 8 years which has an enormous financial impact. They are at/approaching university age and we can’t afford to give them anywhere near as much financial support as we would if we had one (we top up to max loan but it’s hard). Driving lessons are a struggle, the drivers share a 15yo cheap car. We’ve had 2 “big” holidays in the last 20 years and half a dozen 4 night haven type breaks and a few one night city breaks staying in cheap hostels etc.. An only child would have had multiple trips abroad. We intend to dramatically downsize in about 10 years to gift our equity to our young adults - an only child could get this help while we stay in our current home. I wouldn’t change it for a second. I love the bones of them and my own sister is the most important person in my life bar my dc. She is the longest relationship I’ll ever have, my best friend, my biggest supporter, my absolute rock and the only person who really “gets” it with care of elderly mum. . Not having her on the basis of a few more 10 day breaks in the sun as a kid is wild to me but a line must be drawn somewhere. I could have had 6 - I didn’t - I had the number I thought I could give the standard of lifestyle that I thought was enough - and then one more for luck. Many of my friends have onlies and their experiences are different. Different highs, different lows, but every families lives are different anyway. Having a second child will change you, change your dc and change your family dynamic - whether it will be better or worse or just different nobody can tell.

It's so personal isn't it?

I have two brothers, neither of which I'm close to. To be honest, they both annoyed me as kids, and they still annoy me now.
I remember thinking it'd have been nice to have had a sister instead, but honestly I'd have been happy as an only child.

It usually depends on your own experiences.

@Winglet I feel very similar. Just can't be bothered with it all again. My DD is almost 4 now and I feel like I'm getting my life back. I don't want to go backwards!

@Muddygreenfingers I think someone said upthread about the debate of having one or more about being able to ‘hack’ having more.

I don’t want to have to hack life. I want to enjoy it. Last month DH and I went to a Spain for a long weekend the two of us. We go abroad on a city break somewhere new every year together. Talking at the bus stop about it, one of the other Dad’s said it sounded great and he would love to do something like that but hadn’t in years. My husband said, well you’ve got 4 kids.

Back to OP’s question, I don’t know how I can help, except say follow your heart. I did and it’s working so far.

It depends on the standard of living you aspire to and your capacity to cope with stress. I am from a huge family and most of us have one child though some have two, just one has 3 and that 3rd was an accident.

Plus having 4 sisters, honestly I only actually like 3 of them. I would have only ever have chosen 1 as a friend. The other 2 are nice enough but we have nothing in common apart from DNA. Our hobbies, political views, attitude to money and men, absolutely nothing matches. The one I don’t like is very manipulative, had multiple affairs with married men and has adult children that are drug addicts, the entire family cut them off some years ago. I had been low contact for some time before that after we had words because I told her I disapproved of her sleeping with married men. She is utter low life as are her children.

My 2 brothers are okay but they live in America so I don’t see them that often.

There was never enough money with that many children or time from my parents. I did have 2 children but DD sadly died . I think 2 is ideal really but it doesn’t mean they make a friend for life. So DS has ended up in a household as an accidental only.

DH is one of 2 and his sister lives overseas and never married or had children. Again they are so different as people they would never have been friends in real life.

My children’s personalities were very different, they got on fine would they have stayed friends as adults? Sadly we will never know.

Imagine being an only child with ageing parents, in a society where this is increasingly common.

Genuine question: What do people think that will be like for their only child?

I’m getting a glimpse of this in my own life and I’m not sure the material benefits for the younger couple with one child (or single parent with one child) will compensate for the later realities.

It’s irrelevant whether or not individuals adore their own siblings and share care for ageing parents fairly, because this is about the balance of younger, economically active adults to older economically inactive adults collectively.

Unless something changes fast, this problem is well and truly baked in.

Lots of young adults emigrate these days, Australia, NZ, Canada, US... Just because someone has 1,2,3,4 children, it doesn't mean that ANY of them will be around to help their parents in later years.

That’s undoubtedly true. But raising your own family without family support brings its own problems. FaceTime grandparenting doesn’t offer a small child much, really, no matter how much we pretend.