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Original poster

Good finances vs family size

63 replies

lollylew · 26/05/2023 21:05

Not putting a 2nd DC through nursery would save us probably 15-20k. We could use that money on holidays, future support for DC when they reach the point of buying a house, learning to drive and going to university if that’s what they choose to do. We have a very small family though - only one sibling between me and DH and we are very low contact. That’s just how it is. Because of this firsthand experience we know siblings are no guarantee, but in the same way not having one means they will never have relatives of close age to them nor nieces, nephews or in laws. Unsure if this reason alone means it’s better to have two…?

OP posts:
SpringNotSprung · 27/05/2023 20:36

@thongthrush as an only child, I really hope your thong is making you itch.

The nastiest bullies I have ever come across come from big families. One of DH's sisters is vile.

ThanksItHasPockets · 27/05/2023 20:41

Thongthrush · 27/05/2023 20:06

However they get on (or not) when they're adults, I wouldn't have wanted an only child. Only children can of course be absolutely lovely, but all the problems that my children experienced (either first or second hand) at school involved only children. One problem that only children often have is that their parents never really get to see how foul they can be, as children are always at their foulest to their siblings. This can create problems in that the parents refuse to believe that Perfect Peter could possibly ever have been bullying anyone...

I read on here some years ago that if you have one child, you're a couple with a child (or a parent with a child). If you have more than one, you're a family.

I am agape at the nastiness of that second paragraph.

Original poster
lollylew · 27/05/2023 21:33

blimmyblam · 27/05/2023 19:52

I have one for financial reasons. I'd love to have had more but I'm very glad I stuck with one now and dc is 10yo.

I'm really enjoying all the extra things we can do as a family. Dc loves us being a family of three. We have no other family so no cousins etc to fill 'sibling' gaps either. I can't imagine how life would be with more dc now tbh.

Thank you!

OP posts:

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arlequin · 27/05/2023 21:55

@Thongthrush that is just horrible

Thongthrush · 27/05/2023 22:03

I think the original author of that phrase was talking specifically about people who choose, not people who find themselves in a situation in which they have no say.

And it's perfectly possible to be unpleasant if you're one of ten. However it is - in my experience, and that is all I have to go on - more common in only children.

Whatames · 27/05/2023 22:12

I would go with your heart rather then your head on this one. Do you want a second? Not for your child but for you. If you do then you would prefer to spend the money on a second child. If your not bothered then you’d prefer to spend the money on a better life for child one.

gemloving · 27/05/2023 22:21

I personally don't think siblings are overrated. DH and I both have the best relationships with our siblings, we're best friends. You don't love anyone the way you love your sibling, it's so unique but you don't miss what you've never known, however I wouldn't have a second child for that reason. Having 2 is so much harder than having one, not just financially.

OdeToBarney · 27/05/2023 22:24

Thongthrush · 27/05/2023 20:06

However they get on (or not) when they're adults, I wouldn't have wanted an only child. Only children can of course be absolutely lovely, but all the problems that my children experienced (either first or second hand) at school involved only children. One problem that only children often have is that their parents never really get to see how foul they can be, as children are always at their foulest to their siblings. This can create problems in that the parents refuse to believe that Perfect Peter could possibly ever have been bullying anyone...

I read on here some years ago that if you have one child, you're a couple with a child (or a parent with a child). If you have more than one, you're a family.

Bloody hell.

VladimirVsVolodymyr · 27/05/2023 22:46

@Thongthrush your second paragraph is very harsh. Families come in different sizes and there is no one size fits all.

BBNoM · 27/05/2023 22:57

I actually think there might be something wrong with you @Thongthrush

LudicrouslyCapaciousBag · 27/05/2023 22:57

Thongthrush · 27/05/2023 22:03

I think the original author of that phrase was talking specifically about people who choose, not people who find themselves in a situation in which they have no say.

And it's perfectly possible to be unpleasant if you're one of ten. However it is - in my experience, and that is all I have to go on - more common in only children.

Oh well that’s alright then Hmm

Assignedtoworryyourmother · 27/05/2023 23:08

@Thongthrush
So as a divorced woman with an only child, we aren't a family?
You spiteful creature.

Muddygreenfingers · 27/05/2023 23:14

Thongthrush · 27/05/2023 20:06

However they get on (or not) when they're adults, I wouldn't have wanted an only child. Only children can of course be absolutely lovely, but all the problems that my children experienced (either first or second hand) at school involved only children. One problem that only children often have is that their parents never really get to see how foul they can be, as children are always at their foulest to their siblings. This can create problems in that the parents refuse to believe that Perfect Peter could possibly ever have been bullying anyone...

I read on here some years ago that if you have one child, you're a couple with a child (or a parent with a child). If you have more than one, you're a family.

What a load of nonsense.

Vintagecreamandcottagepie · 27/05/2023 23:18

Having more than one is worth a financial struggle to us. We had three close together and they get on great.

We're all different though, you have to work out what your priorities are.

Godlovesall26 · 27/05/2023 23:28

It should really be a personal choice for you I think, given you don’t mention absolute financial limitations that can force limiting to one. If in your heart your want two - that it sounds like you can afford, but not without the regular finance impact all families make with several children - you’ll probably make it work fine and be happy. If in your heart you wish to stick with one, just do so.
There’s absolute immediate financial limitations (it doesn’t sound like you’re in that category of strong worries about how you could keep afloat, so you’ve done the responsible rational thinking part it seems), and then there’s trying to predict the long term future, which is imo pointless.

I say this as someone who with no prior respiratory etc issues very much almost departed in ICU due to a pneumonia complication last year, at 31. So it has changed my outlook on life a little. As you’ve done the necessary responsibility of being a parent, ie analyzing your finances, go with your heart, life is way too short and unpredictable.

A second perspective : I do have a sibling 7 yr younger, practically no contact but irrelevant to you I think, as I was taken into care at 10 by my grandparents (who were absolutely lovely, despite not having much funds, still saved and took me to Paris Disneyland!). I really didn’t mind siblings or not (was still in contact with mine and have been since recent years) or money or not, it’s the love and care that matters. You could consider at that age I was a sort of only child (2 different continents, sibling young), and they made efforts to foster friendships, which luckily I didn’t struggle with, sleepovers etc, so I didn’t feel lonely.

Sorry that was a bit long, it’s very cliché but the future is unpredictable, as long as there’s health above all, and love, and an element of rationality because bills need to be paid… only my perspective though☺️. My grandparents are both departed now, and I so cherish those years, the overwhelming memory isn’t outings, it’s love and safety.

Best wishes in your choice.

Muddygreenfingers · 27/05/2023 23:28

We're one and done by choice. We can easily afford another, we just choose not to.
DH and I have strong interests/hobbies we want to get on with again and I never really enjoyed pregnancy/baby stage.

Our DD goes to lots of clubs, she's got friends for playdates.
She'll probably ask for a sibling but selfishly DH and I aren't prepared to go through it all again to 'gift' our child a sibling. She'll be fine.

It's our choice, and we are happy with it.
As it is yours.
Don't be blindsided by the whole 'you need to give them a sibling so they're not lonely' nonsense.
They won't know any different. Invest in their future, encourage lots of interests/hobbies so they can make plenty of friends.

Bottom line is if you don't actually want a 2nd child, don't feel pressured to for the sake of a playmate.

Godlovesall26 · 27/05/2023 23:30

Godlovesall26 · 27/05/2023 23:28

It should really be a personal choice for you I think, given you don’t mention absolute financial limitations that can force limiting to one. If in your heart your want two - that it sounds like you can afford, but not without the regular finance impact all families make with several children - you’ll probably make it work fine and be happy. If in your heart you wish to stick with one, just do so.
There’s absolute immediate financial limitations (it doesn’t sound like you’re in that category of strong worries about how you could keep afloat, so you’ve done the responsible rational thinking part it seems), and then there’s trying to predict the long term future, which is imo pointless.

I say this as someone who with no prior respiratory etc issues very much almost departed in ICU due to a pneumonia complication last year, at 31. So it has changed my outlook on life a little. As you’ve done the necessary responsibility of being a parent, ie analyzing your finances, go with your heart, life is way too short and unpredictable.

A second perspective : I do have a sibling 7 yr younger, practically no contact but irrelevant to you I think, as I was taken into care at 10 by my grandparents (who were absolutely lovely, despite not having much funds, still saved and took me to Paris Disneyland!). I really didn’t mind siblings or not (was still in contact with mine and have been since recent years) or money or not, it’s the love and care that matters. You could consider at that age I was a sort of only child (2 different continents, sibling young), and they made efforts to foster friendships, which luckily I didn’t struggle with, sleepovers etc, so I didn’t feel lonely.

Sorry that was a bit long, it’s very cliché but the future is unpredictable, as long as there’s health above all, and love, and an element of rationality because bills need to be paid… only my perspective though☺️. My grandparents are both departed now, and I so cherish those years, the overwhelming memory isn’t outings, it’s love and safety.

Best wishes in your choice.

For more clarity, my parents basically were given a chance to improve with sibling, and seemingly did, hence only me moving.

Truestorypeeps · 27/05/2023 23:46

If you have two and can afford to save all the child benefit, that's comes to £37k over 18 years. £18.5k each. For each, £5k into a first car, £10k into a first home. £3.5k for a couple of dig outs in their 20's. Of course you'd want to put the money somewhere low risk with a little bit of interest to (try) and combat inflation. Plus you may like us be able to save some more.

We had 2 because we wanted a second child. In the 6 years since the first was born, I'm earning 50% more and my wages will go up significantly again over the next 6 (public service, I get yearly increments). We have plenty of money for holidays, food out, day trips. The 2 year old is the same sex so so far toys and clothes have just been handed down (not Birthdays and Christmases admittedly). He was breastfed so only cost has really been nappies, wipes and small amounts of food!.. Less than the child benefit anyway. Wife is a SAHP so childcare wasn't a factor.

No, not all siblings get on and ours might not forever, but for now, seeing the bond and love between them, and the laughs they share, is something else. I nearly feel sorry for the first one to have not had an elder brother when he was the young ones age, as he really does enrich his life.

SomethingOnce · 28/05/2023 00:24

@Thongthrush is getting a hard time, but as an OC I think there’s truth in that.

SomethingOnce · 28/05/2023 00:29

About family size/shape.

Nsky62 · 28/05/2023 00:41

I have two sons, one who seems to ignore me, high functioning Asperger’s, they don’t get on.
three brothers wouldn’t be without them, three different countries too, we meet up every year

Fooksticks · 28/05/2023 00:42

These threads always go 🍐shaped.

If you stuck at one DC you're going on about all the lovely things you could give your DC that you wouldn't be able to with more DC.

If you have multiple DC you mostly think it's the best set up and secretly judge those who couldn't hack parenting more than one DC.

I was one and done for a long time. Then I had the overwhelming urge for a second DC, and one of my reasons was a sibling for dc1, but of course it wasn't the only reason.

There's a 5 year gap between my 2 and splitting it up like this has been beneficial to us in many ways.

If you don't have an overwhelming urge for more DC, then don't have another one.

Confusedandpoor · 28/05/2023 00:43

I think the two main important things to ask are these.

  1. Do you want another child? Not, do you want to give your current child a sibling but do you and your partner want another child.
  2. Will having another child put so much strain on your finances that it will cause you significant stress for most or all of their childhoods?

Of course things will be financially easier if you stick with one but there's a whole world of perfectly comfortable inbetween being able to afford several family holidays a year and eating beans on toast 5 days a week and washing your clothes in the local river. If you want another child because you want another child and you can tighten your belt and make it work without any of you being forced into poverty, then by all means, have another child. In my personal opinion, a child you love and want is far more valuable than life's extra added luxuries as long as you're not condemning yourselves and both children into a life of constant stress and worry about how the water bill is going to be paid.

Goldencup · 28/05/2023 05:16

I have the most wonderful relationship with my sister, she is my best friend and we talk everyday.

I know full well not all siblings get on and my DC are somewhere in the middle of best friends and not bothered.

I did have a fairly overwhelming desire for a second child, if I had had the choice I would have wanted to give DS a crack at that magic sibling relationship. Sometimes I am bit sad we stopped at 2 that was a pragmatic financial decision.

Nicecow · 28/05/2023 05:42

I don't think money should be the deciding factor. I will be buying a huge house so my DC can live there as an adult and have his own space to save money and then get a place of his own (which I plan to help him with). I do think its a bit selfish of people to have children and not think about their futures given how crazy house prices are