Telling friend I can no longer do “favour”

[Lastqueenofscotland2]

I’ve a good long standing friend who when she goes away (not often, it’s usually 1 week a year and a long weekend) I do a favour, which being deliberately vague here, is essentially helping look after an elderly relative.
Nothing overly personal but does require daily/twice daily drop ins. Relative has been very reluctant (understatement) to take on a carer or look into other options and essentially insists they are looked after by family (I think this is potentially cultural) hence why they ask family friends to help when away, especially people who know the relative already.

Friend is always incredibly grateful and sends me a generous amount of money to cover the costs of a few nice meals out to treat myself as thanks every time. I’ve never asked for this. Just for context that I don’t think they are tight or CFs - not the point of the thread!

Honestly it doesn’t work anymore for a number of reasons but the two main ones are I need to be in the office more than I used to, and due to a limited train timetable (I live semi rurally) I really only have one train I can get which makes being organised enough for this a real stress.

The elderly relative in question is also not as “with it” as they were even a year ago, which makes them increasingly difficult to be around. I think the relative needs more formal care and is not far off probably needing residential care but in this family this would never happen and I know they have encouraged them to move in with a family member with room and time, but they won’t leave their home.

This with a few other less key bits… fundamentally I just don’t want to. I used to not mind at all, and actually really enjoyed going round and their company, I never felt guilt tripped into it!
But they were away last week and I helped out, relative is increasingly difficult and I actively dreaded it every day and was counting down the days till they were back and was so annoyed/upset when their flight was delayed and I had to do essentially another day.

I’m also very worried given their declining state they’ll get very sick while the family are away (they go away as a whole family every time) and I’ll be stuck talking to doctors etc.

There have been times when I haven’t been able to do it due to also being away/other commitments and friend has never had an issue but I think has struggled to find other people to help.

I don’t know if the best course of action is to say now, I’m not willing to do it again. Or just make up a white lie that I can’t when she asks (usually about 3 months notice). I think she’d be very upset if I said the former as they might take it a bit personally but do I just need to rip the plaster off?

I would blame trains / work and make a point of mentioning you noticed deterioration

Yes thanks all. I am actually seeing them this long weekend so will have a polite chat then, I’ll just say that fond as I am of “granny” their care needs are more involved than they were in the past and combined with being in the office more I simply can’t.
I’ll leave them to decide on what the alternative is, suggesting a home will go down like a sack of lead. As mentioned there is some cultural factors at play where you simply do not put old people in home

When I worked from home and they were a bit better it was usually just a case of taking some milk and bread round once or twice over the course of the week and popping in on my lunch break for a cuppa, as friend would arrange for all the “jobs” to be done around when they were back the most involved thing I’d ever do was maybe run the hoover round.
They struggle with a lot more so I was having to get a whole days worth of things things ready for them this time which with a time constraint and a slightly irate/confused person in the background was not enjoyable.

OP, you sound really sensitive to your friend's needs and background - you've clearly been a very good friend to them and I suspect you're right that if you say granny needs a home or professional care it would be taken very badly, and potentially come across as a slight on the family care they provide.

It sounds as if you've got your head around how to approach it but I just wanted to suggest splitting the issues. Your work situation and the train timetable are perfectly acceptable and sufficient reasons on their own as to why you can't be available in future - maybe start with that. Then, later in the conversation, as an observation, not an opinion or a reason, you can talk about objectively how much tricker it was to care for granny this time and how much you noticed her decline compared to last time.

I used to work as a carer, and saw so many families enabling loved ones to stay at home when they simply weren't safe to do so. I also cared for my own Dad over 5 months before he died, and remember DH's shock at seeing him again when he hadn't done so for a few weeks.

Your friend too probably doesn't see the decline if they're in regular attendance, so I'd go with the "gosh, she has deteriorated now hasn't she" line, and say you can't just commit to the level of help she needs in future.

The practical reasons of your work schedule and the train times are more than enough excuse to step back from this favour.

If the opportunity arises to say that you are worried about the extra responsibility and time taken out of your day caused by the relative’s decline, then I would mention that too.

Other than that you need to leave them to tackle the problem of their relative themselves.

I feel very sorry for them, it’s a complete nightmare trying to care for an old who refuses to co operate, been there. All you can realistically do is lend a sympathetic ear in future as I think they will be in for a very hard time.

It sounds like you have a good relationship with your friend an honesty would be appreciated. Just mention how you found a big change in their relative in the 9 months and more care is now needed than you are able to provide with your work hours. I'd be concerned if you didn't say that, then they might think someone else 'dropping in' would be enough.

My Dad ended up in a nursing home for his last 2 years. My mam was very reluctant to put him in and we were always trying to give her a break by looking after him at the weekends or evenings etc.

She got an offer to go away mid-week with friends. We managed to convince her to go and to put Dad in for respite care for the week. Because this worked out so well and he appeared to enjoy other peoples company (carers and other patients) this convinced her to look for one permanently. She still went into see him every day but she could enjoy those couple of hours rather than worrying about cleaning, feeding, toilets and all the stuff that was stressing her out every day. We could even see a difference in my mam - her stress lines disappeared.

I know you say that your friend's culture doesn't encourage this but it may well be the making of him and them.

I'd give both excuses, firstly that the trains/your work schedule make it difficult, and secondly your concerns about the relative's condition. Your perspective as someone who sees the relative infrequently can come in handy here, as you can say you have really noticed a difference since you last saw them, rather than someone who sees them regular.

And tell her now. Before she asks about next time. With more time to consider her options and factor into planning trips.

Be honest ... say that because your work commitments have changed and the relatives health has deteriorated, you are no longer able to help in future.

Don't give them a way that they can get out of it, ie if you say it's because of transport they may offer a taxi.

It might be that they have to pay for a live in carer or put their relative into a home for a week.

My friends family have decided to keep grandad at home and they are really struggling. I completely understand the values/cultural aspects behind this decision but in reality she's exhausted from doing nightshifts with him up 5x a night trying to get up to the toilet. She's not dated in a year and has had to cut her hours down and barely managing to show up to the shifts she has because she's so burnt out. If someone has cognitive impairment and is not bed bound it often becomes unsafe for them to stay at home without carers.

You need to say what you feel, don't blame trains. It will be a hard conversation to have but they need to face the reality of the situation. If you don't put a stop to it you will get to a situation where you feel the lady isn't safe enough to leave and you won't be able to get to work. If they have no carers and they are away that's on you.

Don't rely on the train excuse, they can counter that so easily with the offer of a taxi fare.

You can reasonably point out that it is increasingly likely that the relative could need medical care, which would cause major problems as you are not in a position to give consent on her behalf. Really the holidays with all the family going away together are going to have to stop if they don't want to opt for a home or paid carers, and one at least of them will have to stay behind with Granny.

You've been a star and gone above and beyond. I'd just say you have extra work responsibilities now and want to give them as much notice as possible that you won't be able to help out in the future. I'd completely stay out of any discussions re the elderly persons decline and how best to manage that.
They know she needs care and they are probably well aware of, and put off by, the cost implications of this.

This

I’d advise doing it now, they need to get the ball rolling now to get carers in

Tell her the truth. That you think that the relative needs more care than you able to give, that the train timetable makes things difficult, and that you worry about what might happen if there were an emergency while they were away. Things change.

doesnt sound like they should beleft alone and someone just popping in anymore

try and point this out its too big a job for you

This is a huge concern of mine. Half the dread I felt was I’d walk in and find they’d had a fall or something and I’d not be able to get to work and the entire family is a 5 hour flight away.
Thanks all I’d already decided I wasn’t willing to do it again but would likely have wimped out and made excuses each time. This has given me the nudge to do not that!

Definitely this.

My elderly mother was very good at ‘hosting’ when I was visiting. She appeared to be coping in the few hours I was there and it wasn’t until a neighbour rang me and filled me in on a few potentially hazardous incidents that I hadn’t been aware of, did I realise just how far down the dementia path she had actually gone. One fact was that she was no longer recognising people outside of the family, even those neighbours who knew her for years, which of course, I would never have picked up on and I really appreciated having my eyes opened (very kindly) by others.

It’ll need to be handled sensitively but it already sounds like you are hugely empathetic and I suspect your friend will ultimately really appreciate your caring and concern about their family member.

With regards to the deterioration in their health you don't need to mention a home just along the lines of that you don't think they are able to spend so much time on their own anymore so perhaps they should look at having regular carers to spend time getting to know them and providing extra support on top of the care family provide.

You are a wonderful friend. But it's time to step back.

I agree with PP - maybe your friend needs to hear from an outsider that their relative has really taken a turn. They may be 'too close' to see a decline that potentially needs care home / carers / assisted living etc

I would say that professional care is needed when family are away as you are worried about granny falling or similar on your watch.

You sound like a wonderful friend. I would do anything for my friends but really.... this is a big big ask whatever the circumstances.
When my oldest friend was away on a holiday of a lifetime, I took her 86yo DM to the supermarket once a week. She likes to have a potter about up and down the aisles spending £9.60 (!) when I could do it for her, but that's fine, she's agile, with it and I had no worries about that and friend has a brother too, I just live much closer. If there was an emergency I could've contacted him.

But what you have been doing is far far more than that, and the responsibility is huge. I would worry about her elderly relative and that isn't fair. You were the only 'carer' whilst they were 5 hours away. Do pull away from this arrangement because it's not going to get easier is it?

I think you're right to discuss it directly now, it gives them time to think about a solution before next time they go away. And yes, you don't need to suggest a solution, particularly given the cultural issues, the route forward is for them to choose as a family.