None of MIL’s partner’s children speak to him.. why?

[GL123]

Until recently I didn’t even realise MIL’s partner had any children. I have known him for quite a few years and not once has him having a child ever been mentioned. I assumed maybe he didn’t want kids or couldn’t have kids. I’ve always found him very creepy but can’t put my finger on what it is about him that’s off. I’ve found out this week, when I casually asked my husband if he thought he just didn’t want kids, that he actually has 4 kids and some grandkids too. My husband doesn’t know their names or anything but just knows none of them speak to him. I’m sure there are cases where there could be an innocent explanation for this but I just get such a bad vibe and think what would someone have to do for NONE of his 4 children or any of his grandchildren to want anything to do with him?! It’s only came up since we had a baby last year and my MIL insists on referring to her partner as her grandpa, which I’m really not comfortable with 🤦🏻‍♀️ Why would none of them want anything to do with him?

My siblings and I went NC with our "father" after years of childhood abuse of the female children, physical abuse of the males and mental & physical abuse of my mother. (It took til we were all adults and made disclosures to each other)

I have no idea if he's with someone else now or how he explains to people that none of his children have contact with him, or if he even mentions us. Who knows.

I hope yours isn't for the same reasons.

Yes it’s obviously a red flag. I mean it could be that he simply drifted away after he broke up from their mother and then made no effort to maintain a relationship. On the other hand it could be something more sinister. you don’t know for sure it it enough to make you question….especially alongside your feeling of unease about it. Trust your gut I always say.

I can't imagine most people stop talking to their parent without good reason (I'm one of them). The fact that none of them talk to him is telling.

Herpes

My FIL has 2 adult children who don't talk to him. He walked out when they were small children and unsurprisingly when he decided to contact them 20 years later they told him to get lost.
Your FILs kids wanting nothing to do with him isn't necessarily sinister. He could just be a shitty dad that they've realised they are better off without. I would definitely want to know if I were you though.

I have been no contact with my father for 18 years, I did this because he was abusive in every way. People don't cut their parents out of their lives for no reason, no matter what that parent will tell you.

Can happen after a relationship breakdown, maybe if he had an affair, then paid no maintenance. Or an alcohol or drugs or gambling issue.

My mum’s husband has 2 children that are no contact with him. He is a vile alcoholic. I admire his children for cutting him out of their lives and resent my mum for dragging him into mine. She worships him.

Have you Googled him op? Surprising what you can find... Scrowl right to the very bottom of the pages. Older stuff can still be out there far far down..

Or even you could do a Sarah’s law and/or Claire’s law request if your worried he might have a history of abuse or
aomerhint. Obviously that wild only show up known issues.

Is your husband not concerned? As a father has he not thought that this is deeply unsettling?

I went nc with my bio father because he was manipulative and emotionally abusive, my other sisters have a different relationship which they maintain.

The fact that all four of his children went NC and that he has grandchildren he never mentions is a red flag for me and I’d be asking my MIL what the deal was- you absolutely must do this in order to protect your own daughter.

Without further information, I would keep my DC from ever having unsupervised contact without you or DH present and say a firm no to calling him grandpa.

He's not their grandpa regardless. If your MIL is insistent tell her you need more info on what happened with his kids.

I knew someone who was estranged from his dc and never saw his grandchildren. I used to feel sorry for him, and assumed it was because they'd sided with his ex-wife, their mother.
Then I found out why. No prizes for guessing. He's currently serving a jail term for child sex abuse, and it turned out he'd been accused before, years ago, but got away with it that time. The family about it, which was why they went no contact, and wouldn't allow his grandkids anywhere near him.

Yes and I’ve tried Facebook searches of his second name to see if I could find his kids but I’m getting nowhere. Not sure what I was going to do if I did find them, message them and ask 🤷🏻‍♀️🙈 It just seems even more of a red flag that I didn’t even know he had any

All four sounds like it's him that's the problem, not his kids. So yes, I'd consider it a red flag. Not as much as finding him creepy though - that's worth taking seriously.

This is my ultimate fear 😔 I haven’t let them babysit for this reason and I don’t think I ever will be able to when he could very easily be one of these people and I have no way of knowing

Listen to your gut op it's there for a reason. Previous posters have all given good advice. Don't risk it with your precious baby.

@VikingLady yes I’d say so.. the finding him creepy thing I feel like I can’t do much about though as I have no actual concrete evidence to go on but I’m desperately searching for some to almost prove myself right

I haven’t spoken to my dad for two decades. Nothing alarming, he just couldn’t ever really be arsed, so I decided I couldn’t either. He’s selfish, and a crap dad, but not a terrible person.

You can apply to the Police for a disclosure under Sarah's Law - they will be able to inform you if he has previous convictions involving children

@scoopoftheday thats my fear that it could be exactly that and that was like his past life that I have no way of knowing anything about. He sees my child when we go to visit and even find that creepy if he says anything to her because in my head I’m just telling myself he’s one of these people 😩

My friend and her sister have nothing to do with there mum
never got the full story but stems from parents divorce and the way she treated there dad

I could be sinister or not the few people I know who have no to do with there dad is down to not being there when they were kids

I would go with your instinct op. I'm not going to go into details but a family member of mine was estranged from his four children also due to abuse, both physical and sexual. One of his daughters by pure coincidence got talking to someone who had known him through his new partner who said what a wonderful man he was 😏And they knew he had four estranged children but hadn't wondered too much about the reasons for this, assumed it was because they sided with their mother.... In my opinion there's normally a very good reason if all four children are estranged from a parent.

Just don't leave them unsupervised with him.
I never left mine in the same room as him and when I knew they'd be visiting I made sure my kids had trousers on and neber sat near him or on his knee- and I'm not sorry.
My mother left him when it was nearly too late, we'd all grown up and suffered, her included.

I have no contact with my father and neither does my brother. He walked out of the marriage. Then simply forgot he had two children. He then reappeared when I was 34. Only 32 years after walking away and wanted to be a parent. He was extremely unkind towards my stepdad and to me and my brother because we called our stepdad’Dad’ we were all told how disgusting and disrespectful it was that we were calling another man Dad. How my Dad was not our Dad. My stepdad stood back and said it is upto us and in no way were we ever told to call him that. We informed him that we always knew we had a real dad and a proper dad
After hearing that whole conversation and aggressively talking to our proper dad, other people may say we were wrong by referring to him then and now as proper dad it was because up until we were 15 and 13 he was there for every thing for us, in ways he never had to be. He took me at 9 years old to buy sanitary products and explained periods to me. He stopped his career after my mum decided being a parent was too difficult for her. After being told again that my brother and I had been left alone in the house and we had to be rescued by the fire brigade and my mum’s comments were that we always wanted attention. I wasn’t even in nursery at the time.
I do clearly remember the fire and our discussion of it. Nothing about attention but curiosity and fear of our mother as we did not know we were home alone.
we were scared of being violently beaten in my mother’s anger. So we decided to put my bed against the door and take my huge collection of plastic dolls collected and passed down from family, as we saw some where plastic burned.
We put stuff in front of the windows in case my mom found out and placed all those dolls in the middle of the room and set them on fire
i can still remember that feeling of not knowing what I was more scared of- the fact we had a fire and didn’t expect or our mum
obv we were rescued after both trying to hide from our mum
my proper dad then looked after us. I remember he didn’t go back into his field until I was in secondary school. Then a couple of years later she made him leave because he had no prospects and hadn’t done anything with his life.
when my dad came back on the scene we were fiercely protective of my proper dad
my actual father lives not far away and I still can’t have contact with him
He left us and forgot us
He doesn’t deserve us to speak to him.
so nothing untoward about him
but a few decades ago the separation of marriages and separation of children is not like today

so them not speaking to him could be the children choose not to have a man who forgets he has them doesn’t warrant involvement in their lives