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Original poster

None of MIL’s partner’s children speak to him.. why?

100 replies

GL123 · 23/05/2023 21:04

Until recently I didn’t even realise MIL’s partner had any children. I have known him for quite a few years and not once has him having a child ever been mentioned. I assumed maybe he didn’t want kids or couldn’t have kids. I’ve always found him very creepy but can’t put my finger on what it is about him that’s off. I’ve found out this week, when I casually asked my husband if he thought he just didn’t want kids, that he actually has 4 kids and some grandkids too. My husband doesn’t know their names or anything but just knows none of them speak to him. I’m sure there are cases where there could be an innocent explanation for this but I just get such a bad vibe and think what would someone have to do for NONE of his 4 children or any of his grandchildren to want anything to do with him?! It’s only came up since we had a baby last year and my MIL insists on referring to her partner as her grandpa, which I’m really not comfortable with 🤦🏻‍♀️ Why would none of them want anything to do with him?

OP posts:
Original poster
GL123 · 23/05/2023 21:55

@hellswelshy yes that’s what I thought.. usually you’d even have one you might speak to on and off or even when our child was born you’d maybe have mentioned the fact you’ve had 4 when talking about baby things but he sat acting like he had never had any 🤔 my husband finds it easier just to keep them at arms length but as my MIL becomes more pushy to babysit I’m finding that I’m having to make up reasons why not when really it’s him!

OP posts:
Betterbear · 23/05/2023 21:55

My dp's father is a womaniser, has been his whole life. He even had an affair with his wife's sister. This broke his marriage up, but he had 5 young children. He continued to womanise throughout the children's childhood, and is still at it today, although he is nearly 70.
My dp's mother lay dying in hospital and he brought one of his conquests with him to say his final goodbyes and then he brought another to the funeral. Dp's poor mother could not escape her husband's womanising even in death.

Yet all 5 children want to have a relationship with their Dad and are all fighting for his attention even as adults. But he is too busy womanising to care.

I have often mentioned to dp that a lot of children would of chosen nc given the same set of circumstances and his dp was lucky all his children still talk to him.

Withnailandeye · 23/05/2023 21:57

GL123 · 23/05/2023 21:55

@hellswelshy yes that’s what I thought.. usually you’d even have one you might speak to on and off or even when our child was born you’d maybe have mentioned the fact you’ve had 4 when talking about baby things but he sat acting like he had never had any 🤔 my husband finds it easier just to keep them at arms length but as my MIL becomes more pushy to babysit I’m finding that I’m having to make up reasons why not when really it’s him!

Your first problem here is your DP. If he’s trying to have an easy life to please his mother you need to highlight that this may be at the detriment to your daughters safety which should be his priority.
do look into Sarah’s law, please.

Interested in this thread?

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Families
Original poster
GL123 · 23/05/2023 21:57

@scoopoftheday did you ever say that’s why you were doing it to your mother or did you just never give a reason?

OP posts:
Betterbear · 23/05/2023 21:57
  • sorry ment df
Premiumbondbaby · 23/05/2023 22:00

Weallgottachangesometime · 23/05/2023 21:34

Or even you could do a Sarah’s law and/or Claire’s law request if your worried he might have a history of abuse or
aomerhint. Obviously that wild only show up known issues.

@GL123 i would be doing this pdq. Trust your instincts.

scoopoftheday · 23/05/2023 22:18

GL123 · 23/05/2023 21:57

@scoopoftheday did you ever say that’s why you were doing it to your mother or did you just never give a reason?

Sadly by this stage my mother's dementia had taken over and she wasn't aware of much.

She had left him (but it was messy and complicated) before she was diagnosed and he was cruel to her during that time, it made it easier to cut all ties when she needed round the clock care and we had to find a care home for her. It was during this time that as siblings we made disclosures.

If anyone ever asks after him or asks how he is, it depends who it is, I either say he's fine or that I haven't seen him in a while.

He told people initially that we abandoned him, we used him and he had no idea why we don't visit him. When his sister rang me to ask our reason I was open with her, I informed her that she's bound to have been aware seeing as she was a regular visitor in our house - she replied "it was none of my business" 😔

Thesunwillcomeoutverysoon · 23/05/2023 22:20

Just tell her you aren't ready to leave dc yet. No further explanation necessary.. Get dh to back you up.

Peland · 23/05/2023 22:23

You can use Sarah's law to ask the police if he has a conviction for anything to do with children.

Minimalme · 23/05/2023 22:39

Never allow your child to be around anyone you find 'creepy'.

I had a creepy Uncle and even with my parents, siblings, Aunt and cousins in the room he still found a way to touch me up.

People don't see things they aren't looking for.

Original poster
GL123 · 23/05/2023 23:10

Peland · 23/05/2023 22:23

You can use Sarah's law to ask the police if he has a conviction for anything to do with children.

I looked into this a while ago, before I even knew about the fact he had children, but because this would have all happened so long ago I don’t think it would be recent enough to show anything up. It would have been 25 years ago at least that they’ve all disowned him

OP posts:
SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 23/05/2023 23:24

Peland · 23/05/2023 22:23

You can use Sarah's law to ask the police if he has a conviction for anything to do with children.

Does Sarah's Law work if they've changed names?

Genuine question as I know a lot of Paedophiles are fans of changing their names via Deed Poll.

SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 23/05/2023 23:26

Thesunwillcomeoutverysoon · 23/05/2023 22:20

Just tell her you aren't ready to leave dc yet. No further explanation necessary.. Get dh to back you up.

Totally agree with this too.

Don't give any other excuse. Just keep saying that neither of you are ready yet.

And repeat every time. Don't get drawn into discussion about it either, just distract if you can.

Maddy70 · 23/05/2023 23:28

Because he had an affair and hurt their mum

Or a whole host of other reasons ask him!

Gilead · 23/05/2023 23:43

My ex tells people I have brainwashed our (adult) children not to speak to him and that I buy them.
If you ask them they’ll tell you it’s because he’s a lying, manipulative, narcissistic git.
(And yes he has a dx).

Aquamarine1029 · 23/05/2023 23:47

My husband doesn’t know their names or anything but just knows none of them speak to him. I’m sure there are cases where there could be an innocent explanation for this

Nope. No there's not. There is always a BIG reason a man's children want nothing to do with him.

Do not be foolish enough to ever leave your child alone with your MIL and this man. He should never be allowed to be near your child without you being right there.

PurpleParrots · 24/05/2023 00:00

My DD’s friend (now in her 30’s) won’t speak to her mother because she divorced her father. That’s it.

Her siblings have a good relationship with both parents. DD’s friend will never forgive her mother. Yet her mother left because her then DH had numerous affairs which were common knowledge within our villlage.

Why don’t you just ask MIL or her partner why he has no contact with his DC?

NotMeSecretFormular · 24/05/2023 00:02

I'm one of three kids who are NC with our "father". He has four grandkids he never sees as a result. All due to abuse that lasted decades, starting from early childhood. He has had a string of girlfriends after the divorce (we were all adults by then), I've never understood how a woman could have a relationship with a man who has several kids and grandkids he has no contact with.
We're all female and have all changed our surnames to completely sever the link, that might be why you can't find his kids on social media. Who knows what stories they tell to their partners. Sickening.

HerMammy · 24/05/2023 00:05

If it was 25 yrs ago, were they young children? could be as simple as divorced and he chose to walk away from them, mother refused access, everything doesn't always have to be sinister.
My friend had a child in his teens and the mothers family attacked him and threatened him to stay away, he never met his DD until she was 20, you just never know what's happened. Could your DP ask his mum?

mochachocaa · 24/05/2023 01:01

Im in a very, very similar situation to you. However, it's my mum and her DP.
I won't let my mum look after my kids
unsupervised, because she doesn't see the problem with this - and that's a problem, you know? 😕
When it's your kids, you can't take risks they're just too precious.
And if/when something happens, it's too late and you'll feel at fault because you didn’t trust your gut.
it might be innocent, but I don’t like it either. I'm totally with you OP

Pyjamasleeveprincess · 24/05/2023 07:44

OP,

I have been n/c with my 'father', X (I hate the word father because he isn't) for close to 30 years now. My siblings are the same. We've all changed our surnames by deed poll as well.

If you listen to X he will tell you that after the divorce, my mother poisoned our minds regarding him and made him out to be the enemy. He's nothing but a kind family man who would love to get to know his grandchildren e.t.c e.t.c

The real story is somewhat different. X had and almost certainly still has a gambling addiction. Our lives when we were with him wasn't a childhood as such. It was a series of actions based around feeding his addiction. We were there only as 'accessories' to fuel his addiction. His speciality was fleecing people (including an elderly lady with dementia and several churches iirc). When you have other people feeding and clothing your kids, you've got more cash for the fruit machines and gee gees then. Nowadays his actions would be emotionally abusive and almost certainly neglectful.

There is probably a very good reason why his adult children are n/c with him. He won't tell you why though, because just like X still thinks, he has done nothing wrong.

Original poster
GL123 · 24/05/2023 08:01

PurpleParrots · 24/05/2023 00:00

My DD’s friend (now in her 30’s) won’t speak to her mother because she divorced her father. That’s it.

Her siblings have a good relationship with both parents. DD’s friend will never forgive her mother. Yet her mother left because her then DH had numerous affairs which were common knowledge within our villlage.

Why don’t you just ask MIL or her partner why he has no contact with his DC?

I was considering acting dumb and saying a comment like ‘did he never want to have kids?’ or something, they don’t know I even know about the kids so I would like to see her tell me then I’d ask why none of them speak to him and act really puzzled by it

OP posts:
Original poster
GL123 · 24/05/2023 08:07

mochachocaa · 24/05/2023 01:01

Im in a very, very similar situation to you. However, it's my mum and her DP.
I won't let my mum look after my kids
unsupervised, because she doesn't see the problem with this - and that's a problem, you know? 😕
When it's your kids, you can't take risks they're just too precious.
And if/when something happens, it's too late and you'll feel at fault because you didn’t trust your gut.
it might be innocent, but I don’t like it either. I'm totally with you OP

Sorry you’re in the same boat. I feel it can’t even be brought up because she’d just fall out with me and obviously doesn’t see it at all. He’s the biggest waste of space ever 🤦🏻‍♀️ I think all you can do is innocently try to draw their attention to it and never leave kids alone with him. Even that makes me feel weird though because if I knew someone was a registered sex offender I wouldn’t allow them to have any contact with my child, I certainly wouldn’t sit there and let them chat to them 😩

OP posts:
Original poster
GL123 · 24/05/2023 08:09

@Pyjamasleeveprincess sorry you’ve gone through all of that, he sounds awful 😔 That’s the thing, if I was to innocently ask it would be out of interest just to see what they’d say, not to get an answer that’s actually right. My MIL seems completely blinkered by him so she’ll know some false story and believe it

OP posts:
Rubychews · 24/05/2023 08:09

Could be he just was a absent father after he split with their mother.