None of MIL’s partner’s children speak to him.. why?

[GL123]

Until recently I didn’t even realise MIL’s partner had any children. I have known him for quite a few years and not once has him having a child ever been mentioned. I assumed maybe he didn’t want kids or couldn’t have kids. I’ve always found him very creepy but can’t put my finger on what it is about him that’s off. I’ve found out this week, when I casually asked my husband if he thought he just didn’t want kids, that he actually has 4 kids and some grandkids too. My husband doesn’t know their names or anything but just knows none of them speak to him. I’m sure there are cases where there could be an innocent explanation for this but I just get such a bad vibe and think what would someone have to do for NONE of his 4 children or any of his grandchildren to want anything to do with him?! It’s only came up since we had a baby last year and my MIL insists on referring to her partner as her grandpa, which I’m really not comfortable with 🤦🏻‍♀️ Why would none of them want anything to do with him?

What does your husband think OP?

He gives you the creeps and the NC with his four children is a whole row of red flag bunting. Trust your instincts.

Ignore the "feelings"-they are usually wrong. Don't ignore the none of his children being in contact with him, though. Be hyper alert

Massive massive alarm bells would be ringing for me here. I don't think there is any way that four children would sever contact if he hadn't been abusive, and the fact that he doesn't even acknowledge that he has them backs this up.

I would do a Sarah's law request and see what comes up asap.

With one child, possibly. With four?

I think the most likely explanation is either that the relationship with their mother broke up acrimoniously and he couldn't be arsed to push for contact, or that he simply walked away.

But the more sinister explanations are also a possibility so it's an amber flag.

Clare’s law?

Proof for a mother’s feelings being “usually wrong”?

As others have said, listen to your gut and see what info you can find via Sarah’s law / Claire’s law? Sorry not sure how but know you can.

I think a lot of dads drift away and are just generally shit when the relationship with their partner breaks down.

I would try Sarah's law though, criminal record is a criminal record.

He mostly agrees with me that he’s definitely a wrong-un! I have concerns about how controlling he is over MIL too and my husband agrees with that but doesn’t think he’s a danger to children as he lived with them from age 10-14 but I think there are far too many red flags to say he’s safe because he’s lived with a child once and not abused him

Why not ask? I'd at least ask MIL. Surely she has thought to ask herself!

@Outwiththenorm Proof for a mother’s feelings being “usually wrong”?"

All the perfectly innocent people who have been labelled a "wrong 'un." because of "feelings."
Anyway in this case there's no need for the paranormal-there's proper, worrying evidence.

It’d make me wary of him.

Best case scenario would be that he’s just an absent father who took no interest in his children after his relationship with their mother broke down, but even that’s something that would put me off.
And obviously there’s more sinister worst case scenarios.

DH has a relative in the absent father category. He divorced his wife, and went complete no contact with his children as well as his wife after the divorce. The children were under 5 at the time, they’re adults now.
Now that his children are adults he’s trying to turn it all round so the lack of contact is their fault. Whenever the subject of children and grandchildren comes up, he says that he’d like to see his children again, he’s so sad that he doesn’t see them, but it’s up to his children to initiate contact because they’re adults now 🙄

I honestly can’t blame his children for not reaching out. I wouldn’t either if I was in their position.

OP don't worry about upsetting anyone just listen to your instinct.

Don't worry about
" being unkind shit " protect your precious child.

Of course you could just ask if he has children or you could let them know that DP told you that he has 4 DC that he is NC with. (It’s no secret if your DP knows).

Just say “DP (sorry I can’t remember if he’s your DH and I can’t go back to check without losing my post) and I were talking, generally, about the family and DP mentioned that your DP has 4 DC that don’t visit him. That’s sooo sad 😢 Why don’t they keep in contact. What happened?”

At least if they know you know they can’t deny it. They may come up with some BS excuse but you have more chance of checking out his story if you give him the chance to tell his version. Fish a bit about his D.C. “Oh, do they live near, how old are they, any D.C.” etc

You are right not to leave your D.C. with them until you know they will, at least, be safe from intentional harm.

But honestly I would just ask them to begin with and gauge their response before I go searching for his D.C. If you’re not convinced by the response then follow up - and keep digging, for the safety of your D.C.

It could be out of his control over something that happened with his ex. Equally it could turn out that he is not to be trusted around children. It’s strange your DP lived with him for so long, knows he has D.C. but doesn’t have any idea of his story 🤔

I would just ask. I think you're entitled to ask questions about people who want to be involved with your children. Don't be confrontational, but don't beat around the bush either. Frankly, I don't think there's ever a good reason for someone to lose contact completely with their children, but some reasons are worse than others. And some will be your business and some won't. So ask.

What innocent scenario do you imagine whereby 4 adults each decide to go no contact with their parent?

@MaterDei "What innocent scenario do you imagine whereby 4 adults each decide to go no contact with their parent?"

I have no idea, if that was to me. But I can imagine non innocent reasons that don't affect the OP or her children. I know a family that had a bitter, life-long fall out over a will.

Don't bother asking MIL why. She will tell you what he told her, which will not be the truth.

I can't think of one good reason that four adult children are no contact for two decades with a father, that would make him a good babysitter for my child.

It doesn't matter why. MIL can push, you can say no thankyou. Repeat. The less involved you are with it the better, hold your line. It's a no. You have good reason enough, and that is because you do not want to.

" can't think of one good reason that four adult children are no contact for two decades with a father, that would make him a good babysitter for my child."
I can. And this is something that needs to be sorted out or it's going to gradually poison everything. Personally I'd ask him, not her.

I was going to suggest this to.

@CurlewKate Similarly, if you ask him instead of MIL, what's he going to tell OP?

I don't share your optimism, if the four people that know more about him than OP will ever be able to don't feel he's a good babysitter, I'd be taking their lead.

OP I cannot state this strongly enough. Trust your gut. But more than that .
Do NOT take your kids into that home & do not allow him into your home until you get to speak to his adult kids or find out exactly (to your satisfaction ) what went on.

A neighbour of mine a long long time ago was in a semi similar situation, trusted her gut - wouldn't allow babysitting etc.

At age 7 he picked up their little boy 'early' from a play date that the mil had known about without permission and no one knew.
The little boy knew grans partner well so went willingly.
It went as wrong as it could go wrong.

TRUST your gut & do not let your kids get to know or trust this man without snooping/protections etc etc

Let's hope he's just an arse but you just can't know for sure and your kids are too important

@beachcitygirl oh my goodness how terrifying 😔 that’s how I feel, I will never have my child calling him grandpa when he’s biologically not her grandpa for a start but the fact he has his own grandkids that probably don’t even know he exists is reason enough for him not to claim my child as his grandchild 🤦🏻‍♀️ I’m going to start off by asking then ask their names and ask loads of questions about them

Yip I’d say for at least 4 adults (my husband said there might even be more) to decide he’s not worth knowing never mind visiting or allowing to babysit then there’s got to be a pretty major reason for that