Why does my friend not seem to want me to lose weight?

[WillowtreeHouse]

I have lost a bit of weight recently. About 24lbs so far and have another stone to lose. I feel so much better, my knees don't ache, my hips don't ache and I just generally feel much more healthy and positive all round. All great.

Except my work friend is constantly making digs at me. Constantly leaving biscuits and cakes on my desk at work and generally being a bit bitchy behind my back (so I've heard). She's told me I've lost too much. I absolutely haven't and I'm still overweight and if I do lose another stone I'll probably still be slightly overweight then, so I'm hardly fading away. I don't talk about trying to lose weight, I never bring it up because it always pisses me off when people go on about it, so I don't.

She's not jealous, I'm sure of that because she's tall, very slim and really quite glamorous so why would she not want to support me? I've no idea why she seems to be sabotaging my weight loss.

Everyone here is right, she's a false friend who takes some sort of weird pride in being the more (conventionally) "attractive" one and doesn't want anyone else to be her rival so to speak. Could also be jealousy as she knows she doesn't have any willpower and is slim by nature, and couldn't do what you're doing. (And well done by the way!)

I don't think you need to have a big conversation. I think next time she makes some comment in public, whether about losing too much or falling off the wagon or whatever, just pause, look at her with confusion and say gently "are you ok?" If she asks why just say "well, don't take this the wrong way but you have made quite a few comments about food and my weight loss and I just wanted to check in with you really because you seem even more focused on it than me!" and laugh kindly. That should shut her up. Might even give her food for thought, so to speak.

Rooting through your bin is just weird. Does she eat normally? It’s bizarre to be this obsessed with your diet.

I had this when I lost quite a bit of weight. It changes the friend dynamic, you are no longer the 'overweight friend'.

Because she wants you to remain the "fat friend " who she can stand next to thus highlighting how thin and pretty she is.
Honestly people feel really threatened by others' weight loss although usually it's fellow overweight people who try to sabotage as they don't want to be the only fat one.
Weight loss is a complex issue for many.

Use it as motivation! well done on what you've achieved so far

She rooted through your bin! What a crazy.

I wouldn't bother with a conversation I would just make sarcastic remarks " you won't find any wrappers because I eat them as well yum yum yum"

Because she is not your friend.

She does not want you to thrive and upstage her.

Accept that she does not have your best interests at heart and ignore her.

She's really weird. I'm not sure I could be bothered giving headspace to someone who thinks it's reasonable to root through bins to "prove" I've eaten a biscuit. Yikes.

I have realised that people do this because it makes them feel threatened.

In their mind friendly, plump coworker is harmless and they are queen bee (regardless of whether they are or not) so when coworker turns up thinner more more glamorous they feel their position is threatened.

Similarly boyfriends feel if their gf gets thin she will leave them for someone better looking.

It’s a them thing OP not a you thing. Gently place the biscuits back in the kitchen and take it as a sign your diet is working.

I’ve had times where I’ve felt absolutely distraught about the extra weight and it’s been quite hurtful that people are sabotaging. Never said anything but I do understand why this behaviour from a coworker would be upsetting.

She sounds about 6. Why are you friends with her?

She enjoys the dynamic where she’s the skinny glamorous one, and you’re the fat friend. She doesn’t want that to change so she’s sabotaging you.

I get a sinking feeling when one particular friend loses weight as usually with her its a sign of disordered eating and that her mental health has relapsed - my feelings are purely of concern for her, which doesn't seem to be the dynamic here. Your colleague just sounds like a twat.

Is she overweight OP? Could be jealousy in some weird way.

Because she wants you to remain the "fat friend " who she can stand next to thus highlighting how thin and pretty she is.
Honestly people feel really threatened by others' weight loss although usually it's fellow overweight people who try to sabotage as they don't want to be the only fat one.
Weight loss is a complex issue for many
Agree with this.

Weight, especially being overweight or obese, is a very touchy subject. Just look at threads on here about population level trends and within the first two pages it's usually full of "but me me me and this is why I'm different, but what about rugby players they're technically obese".

Someone losing weight and taking ownership of their own health stirs up other people's feelings about themselves. If someone is slim like in the OP's situation and has got used to using the overweight friend/colleague as a benchmark to feel good about themselves, then the friend/colleague losing weight shifts the benchmark, forcing the person using them as the benchmark for their self esteem off balance.

Someone losing weight when their friends are all overweight stirs up feelings about themselves as well. When everyone is in the same boat there's a common thread, or it's easy to look around and say "none of us are slim and we're all healthy, that's just how we are built etc etc" So when one person loses weight it unsettled the group because t turns out it was possible to lose the weight.

It's an interesting and complex topic.

It is interesting. Because what I’m also seeing on this thread is almost total acceptance of the idea that fat person = lesser, particularly if they aren’t trying to lose weight. Many people don’t want to unpick that because it raises uncomfortable feelings about how they value themselves, how they compare themselves to others, how they need thinness generally to be more valued, how actually it works for them for there to be fat (or fatter) people to look down on, and so on. So they veer into a whole “we are normalising/celebrating obesity” argument which I find is often deflection.

if the OP’s “friend” weren’t immersed in a world where her thinness makes her a more valuable person, and therefore boost her self esteem by comparing herself to fat people, then this wouldn’t arise

Well done on losing your weight. I think part of your colleague's problem is summed up in your opening paragraph...

I just generally feel much more healthy and positive all round. All great.

It's not just about you visibly looking different, you are different. You're moving better, you're happier because you're feeling healthier. You've upset her dynamic and she wants you back in your box feeling sore and less positive about yourself.

Personally I'd use her negative energy and built on it for yourself. Knowing that every snack she leaves on your desk is a sign of your control and her lack of control. Every day is proof that you're in charge of you.

By all means have a frank chat with her if that's what you want, but I wouldn't be giving her the satisfaction personally because she will twist this as you thinking you're something special now and rejecting kind gestures...or some other bullshit.

Well done. You're doing amazingly well, keep going. I'm on a weight loss journey myself. I have a lot to lose. Please Ignore her, she's jealous because she wants you to stay as the "fat" friend. When I dieted in the past, I had a colleague like that. She never ever bought me food, but suddenly toast appeared on my desk alongside slices of cake?! She wanted to sabotage me. At first I ate it, thinking she was being kind. Until a colleague explained what she was doing. Then I moved all of her food, onto a communal desk and said it was up for grabs. Don't let her sabotage you. You go girl ♥

Fat people aren't lesser. They are generally unhealthier though. Especially as you get older.

I don't think losing weight makes me a more valuable person. It does make my knees and back hurt less though. It's really odd that this issue has got so muddled.

I lost 5 stone and Lord the comments that come out of people….

old friends often have you categorised in “fat friend” box. The one they can always mentally compare themselves to, or in some cases physically stand next to in pictures etc to make themselves feel better. They enjoy the attention that comes with being slim and don’t want to upset that balance by having to accept that people have qualities outside of physical appearance.

she’s shallow and doesn’t like change, particularly if it highlights someone else. I realised my real friends this way as they were all happy for me.

I know women like this. They don't like women to be slimmer than them because they get their self-worth from the way they look, and now they your slim too it's one less thing for them to feel special about.

I know someone who's like this with men as well. She's married, but if a man shows another woman attention she'll make a disparaging remark about them, like 'oh he's so gross anyway, ew, who would want that'. Spoiler, the man will be totally gorgeous. Again though, it comes down to getting your worth from being wanted by a man.

So they get defensive when you're the 'fat' friend or the 'single' friend. You're really around to make them feel better about themselves.

Putting it bluntly (and not my opinion but suspect hers) she won’t look so good when she goes out with you anymore.

Well done.

When she leaves the cakes on your desk, loudly offer them to others.

Because she sees you as her yardstick. Probably thinks she's better than you . She's a frenemy. Keep losing weight and maintain it . And get better friends.

I’ve a friend who does this. She’s very slim, I think she likes feeling superior about it. So when I loose she looses that ability .I suspect that’s what is behind it.

I'd collect a load of chocolate wrappers from elsewhere and put them in my bin.