Have you ever lost a long term friend?

[RedRobyn2021]

My friendship of 12 years seems to be coming to an end and I am feeling a lot of pain. Just questioning everything about myself and feeling really sad.

Have you ever lost a long term friend?

It’s natural to feel sad. Losing a friendship is very painful and can really hurt.

I think losing long term friends is a fairly common experience. Look through the threads on Mumsnet and you will see it.

Yes but I think it was mostly my doing i chose to let it go. I sometimes miss the friendship but not really regretting it. It was the right decision

Yes - twice

one was not a genuine friend as when I settled down and had kids she didn’t want to know and when I looked back she was only interested in going out and I was a sidekick (someone to share a taxi with)

the other I ended it due to her constant criticism of me. I suffer with low self esteem and have a difficult relationship with my mother and I just couldn’t take it. Eg when I went to university to retrain and did well she used to say I had nothing else going on in my life (spiteful) or moan and snooped. When I broke up with a long term partner she found his number and asked him why, then proceeded to call my mother !! I said I needed space and she left notes through the door and when that didn’t work parked outside my house. It was literally awful.

so I have been on both sides and neither is oleasant

Yes I have. A friend that I'd had since school. We had a disagreement about something minor (she was hosting an event, I couldn't attend and that upset her.) She gave me the silent treatment and I said as we're good friends I'd expect to be able to discuss it with her and if she had an issue that she'd have told me rather than give me the cold shoulder.

She sent me a long WhatsApp tirade that got very personal and was very insulting so I said not to contact me again and we haven't spoken since. That was about 3 years ago now and it's such a shame.

I'm not angry that she was upset, I can understand that but I can't forgive what she then said (basically that she'd always thought I was a selfish cow and that my DH would probably end up leaving me.) So that was that, end of a long friendship. It was a great source of sadness to me for a long time but I'm ok now. Some friendships come and go and you can't control anyone else's actions or feelings.

I hope you and your friend can work it out OP, if it's a friendship worth saving.

Yes, I've lost a few long term friendships. Various reasons, all ended by them. It hurts of course, and can be a huge shock. I think it's a very common experience

Don't put pressure on yourself to 'get over it' quickly. You will, but it takes time. It's a loss, and even if it's for the best, it's natural to grieve the relationship and to question things.

Yes, childhood best friend. We started dating friends and her boyfriend ended things with her after a couple of months. My relationship continued (together 24 years now and married 16). As soon as she was dumped she started hanging out with a new group. Didn't call, text, didn't invite me to a significant birthday, barely turned up for my Dad's funeral. Lots of really hurtful things. Was so hurt for many years as I was also going through a lot of trauma with my own mother.

Haven't seen her or spoken to her in about 22 years, can't believe it's that long. She's a very successful hair stylist and travels the world doing celebrities hair. Very superficial looking world she lives in, people have shown me various social media posts over the years. Not a life that would be of any interest to me, she probably thinks the same about my life 🙃

Takes a while but you will get over it.

Yes. I ended it. It was painful but it was the right thing for my mental health. They weren’t honest or straightforward.

Lost one because I couldn't stand her DP and she wouldn't socialise without him. Her choice, and to be fair they are still together 20+ years later so maybe it was just me. But I imagine some of you have a similar story…

Yes, I ended a 40 year friendship because I was sick of her sporadic support. She was upset by this so after a while, I messaged her to say that perhaps I'd been foolish and let's stay in contact. EIGHTEEN months later she got back to me to say 'great idea'

I've never contacted her again 🤣

It depends why your losing them I guess. My ‘long term friend’ gets annoyed with me because I can’t meet up when she wants. She manages to arrange weekends away, nights out (ticketed things) etc with other friends and she’ll text me the day beotrr or on the day if she’s free usually because her plans have fallen through or she’s bored I have guessed now and is getting annoyed because my kids and I are doing something or I’ve other plans. I’ve had 2 quiet weekends previously and I’m busy this weekend and she’s been away down south and else where with another friend. Fine but I hear nothing until today and she’s angry because I can never meet up - beggars belief really I have a child with additional needs, I work a nurse, single parent etc child was in hospital at start of the week, she’s not even asked about me.

so no I’m not sad, I’m relieved to be honest!!
She is selfish and thinks only about herself, I’m the back up friend when she’s nothing better to do so I’m glad albeit sad for the friend she was years ago. She’s not that person anymore and I’m much better at sticking up for myself, I should’ve been stronger but sometimes it’s just nice to get out and socialise when it’s full on at home. But no one needs to feel bad for spending time with family so she’s blocked and I’m moving on. Sorry your hurt op, but some relationships just do run their course, make an effort with other friends or hobbies and live life and try to move past it.

Yep. I ended the friendship.

After many years I finally realised she was a controlling, manipulative bitch.

This is outing if said ex friend is on here! But here goes! I had a friend and we would message daily, numerous times a day.

Something happened to me that I reported to the police. I also told her about it via message. The police asked had I told anyone and I said yes her, and they asked about seeing her phone. A couple of days prior I had messaged her something I didn't want the police to see. Nothing bad (or illegal), it didn't affect what happened to me at all. But I just asked her to delete that one message. She refused then told me she'd deleted all the msgs she sent over the past few days slagging off her partner as she didn't want that coming out! That was the end of it for me. I told her there and then "fine, but you've now lost a friend". Never spoke again.

I've had other more minor Fallings out with people and friendships that have drifted. But that one did hurt.

I lost a long term friend after she slept with my first husband. I suppose it would be more accurate to say I gave her up. She said 'Can't we still be friends?' and I laughed in her face. She's a Tory councillor now.

Yes, friend of 23 years used to stop talking to me whenever I first found out I was pregnant and then when I had newborns, she would distance herself. We've maintained contact but have slowly drifted over the years. I realise there is some sort of issue related to me having kids and her not, but I still feel sad about it as I have done nothing wrong to intentionally hurt her.

Yes , it’s sad
but I feel more like myself after a few months - it didn’t bring the happiness I thought it did at the time

I could have written exactly the same about the two friends I've lost. The main difference being that the friend who dumped me when I settled down (had a baby) was male. Various mutual friends have various theories about unrequited love.

The arched friend unkindest me to feel better about herself. Her ds is a similar age to mine - it was only when she started undermining him too that I realised what she was doing. She fell out with me very dramatically and publicly about 10 years ago. It took me a couple of years to realise how much better off I was without her!

Mine showed me who she really was when she was not there for me after I lost two close family members. She also kept telling me I had never grieved for my father. She was unpleasant about people behind their backs but all love bomby to their faces. She was an expert at backhanded compliments and creating drama. I realised I didn’t even like her very much towards the end!

@RedRobyn2021

yea as I dropped all friends that voted for Brexit. Only two but I saw that after voting for that utter lies I didn't want to spend any time with them atall.

i just spent time with better people

It is two years since I last spoke to a friend I had genuinely considered one of the loves of my life. Thought of her as a sister. I ended it after a many many occasions of selfishness, and thoughtlessness, which slowly crept up. By the end she had begun to be openly cruel to me and one of my daughters, mocking my mental health issues and saying my daughter was unlikeable. I left after that occasion and have not spoken to her since. My life is happier, and certainly calmer. But she was fun, intelligent and interesting, and she knew me so well, we'd been through so much together so I'm still occasionally sad about it.

Yes, friend of about 15 years. It was just getting too difficult to be her friend. We both had.young families at that time but she just wanted so much of my time and she became so emotionally draining. Always a different problem that I was expected to solve and I just couldn't do it anymore.

I had a friend who claimed we were so close and she loved me and all that sentimental stuff. Suddenly I was ghosted. It actually sent me into a depressive spiral as I couldn't work out what I had done to be ghosted so obviously I must be a horrible person who is clueless about how horrible they are.

Then she zombied me by appearing by letter three years later. I politely replied aaaaaand..........she ghosted me again.

A few years later I was talking about it to a mutual friend and it turned out she ghosted everyone eventually.

What a weirdo.

I don't know about your situation OP, but it might not be anything to do with you at all, it might just be all about your friend.

Yup, a suppposed best friend of 20 years. I ended a business arrangement we had, moved my ponies to a different stables closer to where we lived, with much better facilities I really needed. Explained carefully it wasn't personal, just my life and needs had changed. She never spoke to me again! Made snidey social media comments, slagged me off to my family and was very, very bitter.

Realise now I was only a friend when useful to her and actually she was never there when I needed help unless it involved loads of drama for her to insert herself into. My life is significantly better without her.

Yes, A 45 year friendship with a childhood friend.

A friend whom I supported when she left an abusive partner, many moons ago, and I was thrilled that she managed to turn her life around and be happy. I always, obviously wrongly thought we were extremely close.

A few years ago we had a minor disagreement, and she just texted me "ffs can't do this" and then I never heard from her again! Just never responded to any contact.

A year ago or so ago I accidentally forwarded her some photos of injuries my violent husband had inflicted on me (clicked her name on WhatsApp instead of someone else) and I then I realised a few days later that they had been seen so texted apologies, but never got anything back.

I always had the feeling that I was more invested in the friendship than she was, but still very painful to think about it, I did truly love her.

'I realise there is some sort of issue related to me having kids and her not, but I still feel sad about it as I have done nothing wrong to intentionally hurt her.'

I've been the childless friend in this situation. It's totally shit, because of course you've done nothing wrong by having a baby, but my god it was so painful. There was a lot more to it in my situation, but her having kids was definitely the beginning of the end for our friendship. I'm sorry, I'm sure it really hurts and there's no easy answer

'I lost a long term friend after she slept with my first husband. I suppose it would be more accurate to say I gave her up. She said 'Can't we still be friends?' and I laughed in her face'

OMG, I'm speechless! The arrogance of it. So glad she's out of your life

I recently dropped 2 people I considered friends. Close friends, even.

But I realised I was the only one putting in any effort. And thats ok... Until it isnt.

One has basically become a covid recluse, and still refuses to meet up in 2023... I mean, good for you, my dude. But since you have made no effort to keep in touch, and wont meet up, I decided I will do the same.

Another friend, we ve been diverging for a while now. Her path is one I do not really agree with, but kept on making the effort, because we ve been friends for so long! It just felt wrong to "dump" her.

However, I had a big birthday, recently. She was invited, but got ill and wasnt able to make it. This is fine, obviously! She was supposed to make dessert and even offered to uber eats something for the party. I declined, as there was no need for it.
But this was 5 months ago and she hasnt been in touch since. Shes very active on social media, so I see shes doing well for herself, but she hasnt spoken to me since my birthday and I decided that I also did not want to make the effort, and would take this opportunity to disengage from out friendship.