Have you ever lost a long term friend?

[RedRobyn2021]

My friendship of 12 years seems to be coming to an end and I am feeling a lot of pain. Just questioning everything about myself and feeling really sad.

Have you ever lost a long term friend?

Yes. I distanced myself from a good friend of 15 years because he just became flakier and flakier. Constantly asking me to meet up, then cancelling at the last minute with the same excuses (sick, then the next time work, then the next time sick, then work- these excuses rotated about 12 times etc). I didnt mind so much when I was single but after I had kids, a few times I had arranged childcare and then he cancelled after swearing blind it wouldnt happen again. One time I cooked him a meal and he cancelled just as we were putting it in the oven. Finally, I just snapped (and no, he didnt have depression or anxiety before anyone comments) ironically, he was a psychologist.

Its a shame as we used to be really close, he was like a brother to me but I just couldnt take being constantly messed about, no matter how much fun we had together when we did manage to meet up. I have since found out that he's done it to multiple other people and now has no friends left which is really sad but actions have consequences unfortunately. I still feel sad about it sometimes but it was the right thing to do- sometimes you have to prioritise your own feelings/self esteem.

OP, I'm sorry that you are hurting over the loss of this friendship. It does happen that friends grow apart.

In my case I was part of a small group of 'best' friends at uni. We were close like sisters, but I had one friend where it felt slightly more strained than the others. We had been drawn to other members of the group but not especially to each other. Nonetheless we spoke all the time, were super close. I loved her.

In our early 30s, after over a decade of very close friendship, with all life's ups and downs, she behaved very badly to me - told very hurtful lies behind my back to our other friends. I called her out on it and she defended herself, claimed it was 'a version of the truth', didn't apologise. I just knew in that moment that she wasn't my friend any more.

It's been a decade and although I've had moments where I've thought about reaching out, on the whole I think we'd just grown apart and weren't compatible as friends as adults like we had been when we were much younger.

I think like any relationship, with time you do get to the point where you can remember the good times without it causing any pain that they're not in your life any more. Hope you find your way to feeling peace about it.

Yes with a friend who ive had for over 20 years. It just felt like she was very argumentative all the time about everything. We couldn't go for food without a complaint about something. Our views on things are very different and we haven't spoken for months. It does make me sad but this has been a long time coming. I sometimes think about contacting her but I just don't have the energy.

Yes, one because I found out some things she had done as a parent that I couldn't get past.

Yes.
My university best friend who lost interest when I moved out of London and had children. She only really wanted me to go down to London to go shopping and drinking with her and I couldn't do that any more. I also, to be honest, wasn't supportive enough when she had some health problems and lost her mum, because I was in the fug of small children and had moved away.
I'd love to see her again but don't think it will ever happen.

I have. What has precipitated the breakdown of your friendship?

Yep. We were both pregnant at the same time and then I lost mine. We both made such an effort but I was so depressed and she was so happy we were just in totally different places. We still see each there and its lovely when are together but the closeness has gone and WhatsApp are very stale.

Yes a university friend of 16 years. I was having problems at work (a new boss who was bullying me and only me) while my friend was in an abusive relationship and was pregnant. Her partner threw her down the stairs while pregnant and many other incidents when the police were called. She lived 2 hours from me. I was getting phone calls up to 10 times a day including when I was teaching (she was a teacher too). It began to affect my mental health as it was too much with my own problems then her partner started ringing me and shouting abuse down the phone. She refused to leave him and I was at rock bottom myself so I had to remove myself from the situation. I wish I hadn't had to take such drastic action but I had to protect myself. I got a new job and things improved for me. I know that she has a son and isn't with her partner anymore but I wish we were still friends. I have a son about 2 years younger and I know they would have been good friends too.

Yes, I had a close friend who I got on with incredibly well. We worked closely in the same Dept for many years and the friendship ended when I decided to move for a promotion elsewhere. She said all the right things when I was applying for the job- 'yes, you've got the skills,' 'you need to do what's right for you,' etc etc but once I'd left for the new job, the bitchy and passive aggressive comments started, about how she felt abandoned and how my replacement was difficult to work with etc etc

I realised then that no matter how brilliantly we'd got on, she was basically selfish and didn't want what was best for me. I walked away from the friendship. I missed her for a while but it's her loss really- I was a better friend to her than she was to me

I'm still very sad about losing a friend I valued immensely. I made the effort to stay in touch when she lived abroad, on three separate occasions and she ditched me because I moveď across the city.
Also I didn't attend her kid free babyshower, because I had no childcare (was also broke). She took that as a personal judgment apparently because I didn't have a baby shower. Utterly daft what people will throw away 10 years of friendship for.

Yes. My best friend since school, so over 40 years. It hurts but I gave up. She made no effort. She was never interested in my life and when good things happened for me and my family, her jealousy got in the way. I tried really hard to save it but it wasn't to be. I still feel so sad and I do miss her. I don't think she misses me. She texts me at Christmas and birthday, tells me she loves me but is still absolutely unavailable.

Yes. Faults on both sides and I'm truly sad to have lost the friendship.

But I'm better for the loss.

A few times. It's always painful. Some of mine warrant their own threads. I detest drama and walk away rather than engage but it still tends to happen to me due partly to my job and also as I just know a lot of people.

One ditched me (and the rest of our group) because she found veganism and we wouldn't immediately convert or join her on protest marches.

One of two decades came to work at my organisation- never ever do this ever. It was horrendous. She turned out to have a really nasty side to her I had never anticipated and did her best to cause trouble for me and others in quite a spectacular way before eventually leaving in a big storm of drama of her own making. Haven't spoken to her since. I don't feel I'll ever understand what it was about.

The other is lovely and great fun but a total flaker. I think we got to about 10 consecutive flakes before I gave up agreeing any arrangements with her and we now occasionally text but that's it.
She then moved hours away without saying goodbye. And then texted last week asking to come stay.

All of this has been the past 3 years. I'd managed to get through decades before that.

Yes, best friend of over 25 years, someone I considered family. I’d posted a picture on my social media of me & my husband, she screen shot it & along with a nasty mocking message sent it to a mutual friend but sent it to me by mistake.
Once called out on it , I didn’t get an apology or explanation I received a disgusting abusive message, it was somehow my fault lol.
Funny how you think you know someone inside out & then they can be outstandingly cruel to you.

Wow @Perdita40 that must have blindsided you. Where does the nastiness hide?

With my former friend and colleague I was so shocked at her behaviour I actually felt unsafe. We got home security as her attack on me was so vicious and out of the blue I thought she must have lost it.

It took me several weeks of a close friend stopping me from contacting her to see if she was ok - that was always my instinct. She could have lost me my job though if people had believed her - she was no friend and I'm sorry if she was struggling but was not in a position to offer comfort.

She even tried to use that against me on her way out. So twisted and unnecessary.

@Perdita40 that's shocking but good that she sent it it to you in error, outing herself as the awful person she is. I bet it was down to jealousy, it usually is.

Yes, one this week. 10+ years. Has made me very sad indeed.

Yea and it is sad. It's your way of grieving the friendship. I've lost all my friends bar one friend of 10 years. They've all drifted away, died or they ghosted me. No arguments per say.
I was friends with someone from 18-45. When I had my second baby I think she was angry with me as she didn't have any children. I think she thought I couldn't be a proper friend to her with children. She just stopped texting etc. Took me a couple years to realise my life was much better without her in it.

Yes and I'm all the happier for it. She was a narcissistic toxic influence and I don't miss her at all.

Most of my long standing friendships have ended in disappointment.

One friend was addicted to making new friends and I was only there if plans fell through with others. "The backup" she picked new friends when she got married to be bridesmaids. When she had her children baptised she picked new friends again that were not part of any church or religious to be godparents. I began to realise that 30+ years of friendship was nothing for her. I had other friends turn strange when I had babies.

yes I lost my closest friend and years later I still miss her. We drifted apart because I realised she was a user, never there for me and a bit of a drama queen, but she was wonderful company and brought out the best in me when we were together. She contacted me in Covid and we had a couple of chats over zoom but then she didn’t return my messages. Six months later she emailed to ask if I would like a chat but I ignored her.

Sympathy OP, it is a very painful experience and can take a long time to heal from.

Yes. I was part of a small group -friends since school. It had become increasingly toxic as we got older, particularly with one friend. She would consistently treat me like shit, but underhand -for example she would have a party at her house and everyone else was handed a nice wine glass while I had to fish a mug out of the cupboard myself. Doesn't sound much, but I absolutely know it was done on purpose. Anyway, I put up with it for far too long, feeling miserable and dreading meeting up. We even went on a holiday as a group which was fucking awful and I felt isolated and miserable. I got home and it was like the mist had cleared and I thought why on earth was I putting up with this shit? I wasn't happy, didn't want to see the friend at all, was such a waste of life. I slowly drifted and stopped joining the nights out, answering messaging etc. There was no big fall out at all, and I'm so much happier now. I haven't got one regret about ending things. I look back fondly on the good times we did have growing up and have no bad feelings at all towards her now, but some friendships are definitely supposed to be for certain periods of your life and not forever.

Yes. I absolutely adored her and thought we were really close. I think I know what was behind it, and I must have put my foot in it when she was going through a hard time, but whatever her thinking was, she ghosted me. Honestly, it feels like grief.

Yes I have. It's very natural to feel sad, for me it felt like a breakup with a boyfriend. Still even think about them occasionally, I'm glad we didn't remain friends as there were valid reasons but it's still sad as we were very good friends. Sorry you are feeling sad, grieving is part of the process