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Sons boy friend does not want to go home.

99 replies

Kids23 · 20/05/2023 09:04

My son is 16. He's starting dating a boy who's just turned 17. I don't know him that well.

All the following is what the 17 year old has told me. Apprently his mum went on holiday for 10 days . He was meant to be staying at home on his own. But he ended up staying here . He did show me a couple of messages where he had asked his mum and she said OK he could stay.

When she got back he went back home over night a couple of times but staying here till late ie 11pm . And college during the day .

Then a couple of days ago . My son told me that there has been some sort of fight between the 17 year old and his 21 year old sibling . I don't know what caused it or how far it went. But apparently it was reported to police and 17 year old is now on bail. To his sisters address. And not allowed to his mums house where the 21 year old is. Although mum has Been asking him to go there. He has a few times hence him staying there now and then.

I think there's been another type of argument I think more verble. And he's ended up back here again.

As far as I know he's not spoken to his mum for a few days. I don't know her ad all she does not know me either.

Apprently since the 17 year old has Been on bail he has had a social worker. Who's not been in contact as far as I know.

Please bare in mind this has all been told to me by teenagers.

Where does this leave me. I mean I want the 17 year old to be safe. But am I doing wrong letting him stay here could I be in Any sort of trouble.

Also I'm a bit concerned if his mum truly knows he's here or is she worried sick.

As I said i don't know the mum I dont even know her name

On the money side of it does not have a bank account and no access to money.

Also by me giving him a place to stay am I actually stopping him and his mum from sorting something out.

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tailinthejam · 20/05/2023 09:39

"I'm hoping he will give me his mums contact details as well"

Hoping? You should insist on that really. You need to talk to his mother or other family member, so you can find out what's really going on, and so they know where he is.

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Kids23 · 20/05/2023 09:46

tailinthejam · 20/05/2023 09:39

"I'm hoping he will give me his mums contact details as well"

Hoping? You should insist on that really. You need to talk to his mother or other family member, so you can find out what's really going on, and so they know where he is.

Well yes . But im still hoping he will give it to me. And it will just be straight forward. I can insist all I want does not mean I will get it and obviously I'm not going to cause a madness . If he does not give it I may need to contact police or social services.

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00100001 · 20/05/2023 09:49

Don't even bother getting her details.

Speak to your son and tell him BF has to move out and why. Get him to understand and agree to"terms".

Then tell the BF it's time to go to his mother's/dusters and he can come back once during week and no more overnight stays etc.

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Daffodilsandtuplips · 20/05/2023 09:56

If what you’ve been told is true he should be staying at his sisters, if staying there is a condition of his bail then he’s breaking them. Send him back to his sister, no overnight stays at yours and take everything you’re being told with a pinch of salt.

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DelphiniumBlue · 20/05/2023 09:59

Once you get in contact with the mum this will start becoming your responsibility, she will try to offload this troubled teen on you.

Do you really want your son hanging out with someone who has already come to the notice of the police? Do you know why social services are involved? This boy sounds like trouble. I very much doubt that the police were involved after one fight, there will be a lot more to it, a history.

If you let this boy stay with you, it will be much harder for your son to split with him if and when he wants to, and will give the bf much more opportunity to manipulate him.
Time to put your foot down.

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SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 20/05/2023 10:03

My DF had very similar circumstances where her DD's BF suddenly couldn't be at home and my DF let him come and live with them. We all advised her against it. No 16 yo should have to start living with their BF when they have had it thrust upon them.

Anyway things seemed to go along but then suddenly she broke up with him after a few years and said she'd been suffering from physical & sexual abuse and coercion.

Like others have said. It's not your circus and it's not your monkeys.

If his bail conditions state he has to live at his sisters house, then back he goes

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kingtamponthefurred · 20/05/2023 10:05

No way would I be letting a near stranger who was on bail for a violent offence sleep over at my home.

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user1492757084 · 20/05/2023 10:15

Even once you do have the mother's details, it is not in your son's best interest to have a live in boyfriend at his time of life.
Teenage romances often are short lived and he needs to be free to move on.
You are enabling the boyfriend to not face up to his own problems and find solutions. Do not allow him to stay.
Coming over for dinner once a week is normal.
The two going out a couple of times a week to have fun is normal.

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Blueblell · 20/05/2023 10:42

If he is on bail he is required to stay at the bail address. I would let him visit but not stay over. Explain to your son that legally he has to sleep at his sisters.

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Blueblell · 20/05/2023 10:44

Also it sounds like if he has been charged that this is not a first time event.

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SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 20/05/2023 10:49

Have just read the title again.

His "wants" do not trump your wants or what's best for your DS although he may not realise...

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TeaParty4Me · 20/05/2023 10:49

But apparently it was reported to police and 17 year old is now on bail. To his sisters address. And not allowed to his mums house where the 21 year old is.

If he’s been bailed to his sisters address then I wouldn’t get too involved.

You could possibly get into trouble if he’s staying at yours when he’s meant to be at his sisters.

I would also be mindful that your home is your sons safe space.
We all act like idiots sometimes but he is possibly quite violent/aggressive and so I wouldn’t be encouraging a relationship that your son can’t get out of.

I remember reading a thread years ago where the boyfriend moved in due to apparent family issues but was quite controlling/abusive to the gf but she felt she couldn’t end the relationship because else he’d be homeless.

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SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 20/05/2023 10:51

I remember reading a thread years ago where the boyfriend moved in due to apparent family issues but was quite controlling/abusive to the gf but she felt she couldn’t end the relationship because else he’d be homeless

That's exactly what happened to my DF's DD. Took years for her to extricate herself from the abuser.

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Kids23 · 20/05/2023 10:52

Ok I have managed to get the mums number it was on a screen shot they sent to my daughter and she's given the number to me . Now I'm not sure if I should contact the mum check that she knows what he is etc.

Or if I just contact social services as I'm quite sure they have a duty to him to make sure he has a place to stay. And then they could sort out the family problem from there.

OP posts:

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knobheeeeed · 20/05/2023 10:55

Phone the mum and if you can't get a sensible answer out of her, phone social services.
He's on bail so he needs to be at his sister's address, not at yours.
Sounds like he's hiding out at yours to be honest so they can't find him.

You need to protect your 16 year old. He shouldn't be forced into living with a boyfriend at that age, and especially not one who has been violent and already in trouble with the police.
If they want to see each other they can go out on dates and perhaps once a week the boyfriend stays over, but no more than that.

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maranella · 20/05/2023 10:56

Why are you being such a doormat about this OP? This boy and his troubles are not your problem and I honestly wouldn't be getting involved, other than to tell him that he can't move in with you. You barely know him, you've never spoken to his mother, you don't even know what sort of trouble he's in, other than he's out on bail.

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SheilaFentiman · 20/05/2023 10:56

Phone the mum. She may be able to give you the sister’s address and you can drive him there.

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maranella · 20/05/2023 10:56

And everything @knobheeeeed said.

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starrynight21 · 20/05/2023 11:14

WeAreTheHeroes · 20/05/2023 09:11

He's breaking his bail conditions if he's at yours. Honestly it all sounds like nonsense so he can be with your son all the time. Far too intense, especially when your son is 16 and needs to be concentrating on school. He doesn't need to be, and shouldn't be, drawn into this drama.

You're being played. Send him home. To his sister's or wherever.

I agree. He is playing you and you need to get him out. Your son needs to have relaxed relationships at this age, not being entangled with a kid who is looking for an alternative home.

I got sucked into a very similar situation when my son was a teenager - he was so charming and his story sounded so believable ! Before I knew it, I had this kid living at our place and taking advantage . I went to see his mother, and found out that everything I'd been told was a pack of lies. By that time, he was comfortably living at mine , and it was quite a job to get him to go back to his mother. Good luck with your situation - find out the truth !

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pontipinemum · 20/05/2023 11:19

I'd call the mum and see what she says.

I'd also be very concerned as to what he had done to get himself in trouble with the police.

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Frogger8395 · 20/05/2023 13:22

Why would you phone the mum? You’re opening yourself up to all sorts of drama and potential manipulation by doing this. What are you going to do if she asks if he can move into yours? Stay out of it.

This really is quite ridiculous op.A pp is right, they are not a unit so don’t speak to them, speak to your son.

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RachelGreensHair · 20/05/2023 13:43

OP I think people are being harsh to you. I'd contact social services rather than his mum cos if there are issues at home esp with him and his brother, who knows what she might say and what the truth ka. It isn't about being a doormat but helping a teenager and in what sounds like a toxic environment. He needs safeguarding at his age too.
Hope your DS is OK.

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KateTheEighth · 20/05/2023 13:54

I don't think I'd even phone the mum. You don't want to be dragged further into this by some billy bullshit from the mother or else accused of enabling him to breach his bail conditions

He needs to go to his sister's and leave your son alone. Your son should be enjoying his relationship and not dealing with all this drama.

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uncomfortablydumb53 · 20/05/2023 14:17

This might sound harsh, but I'd disengage from this situation and concentrate on your own DS
You need to tell the BF to leave for his sisters address
If he is bailed to her address, he must stay there
Don't involve yourself other to support your son

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gamerchick · 20/05/2023 14:20

They felt you out first and then made their move OP. What teenagers don't take advantage of an empty house for a start?

Send him home. You don't know if anything you've been told is for real

Or tell him you want to speak to his mother

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