Did you consider the age of your parents when deciding to start a family?

[neeor]

Curious really if anyone gave it much thought?

I know none of us know what the future holds but I’d really like to hope my parents will see our DC to adulthood and beyond. They had me older, as did DHs parents, which has led to us choosing to start a family in our mid 20s so that we have plenty of time together as a big family unit like at Christmases and suchlike. I only had one grandparent alive by the time I was born and she was in her 70s so I never had the same memories growing up with her around, she always seemed ‘old’.

My dad had recovered from cancer a few years before I got married and I think that definitely focussed my mind. He died when my youngest was a year old. My mum passed away 2 years after that (both in their early 60’s). I’m glad they knew their grandchildren. We had some lovely, big family Christmases and holidays before they died but it is sad that they didn’t get to see their dgc grow up (the dgc are all late teens/early 20s now). And it was hard for me and us as a family to have lost them while our children were so young. So
I'm glad they came along when they did and knew their maternal grandparents albeit for a short time.

My parents had me young, my siblings and cousins had DCs young and they were constantly out wanting to enjoy their youth leaving kids with babysitters feeling they were missing out, putting their need and lives first. I had my youth, good times lived my life and then started my family.

As for childcare I very much doubt I’d have got help any way, my parents didn’t give up their nights out to look after me as a child they certainly weren’t giving up their nights out to watch my kids. My brother yes, but they decided looking after one child’s, (their favourite child) was the extent of their grand parenting. Actually they did help with my older sibling too who had a child at 20, but I think that was more if a control abuse thing for my mother to belittle my SIL.

I’m very happy I had my life first, I’m happy to miss nights out and take care of my own children. Although we don’t have much money we are far better off than we were when we younger and far more sensible on what is and isn’t a necessity.

I would love to see my grandchildren, watch them grow, but I’d rather my children lived a full life and started a family when the time was right for them not just so I got to meet their children. Yes grandparent relationships are important, my grandmother was the most important person in my life until I had my children but for me my grandmother was my saviour from an abusive home, had I had a happy, loving and fulfilling home life I don’t think she’d have impacted my life as much. That seems sad to say but true.

No point, they were already dead!

No , because I didn’t meet DH until I was 35 , we decided to have a family pretty much straight away because we wanted too , nothing to do with anyone else

No. My parents age when they had me had no bearing on when I met my husband and subsequently started a family. As it happens they had me late 30s, and I didn't get married til I was 40. I certainly didn't wake up one day in my 20s and think 'jeez I better get a family going soon'. It happened when it happened.

No. My ds' last grandparent died five months before he was born.

Mine had not been the kind of parents I wanted to emulate, and were far too old by then to have any involvement even if they had lived longer, so it wasn't something to take into account.

No as they’re both useless alcoholics anyway, and wouldn’t do anything to help whether they were 50 or 70

Not so much my parents but MIL and FILs’ ages definitely factored in DH and I’s decision to start TTC when we did. They were very late 30’s/early forties when DH was born, so were in their seventies by the time we ticked off the pre-TTC list- buy a house, get married and go on an amazing honeymoon/holiday. There was a discussion in the car about when we should actually actively start- immediately after the holiday or wait a while longer? When deciding DH pointed out that his parents weren’t getting any younger and, having no real reason or inclination to delay, we got cracking whilst on honeymoon. DD arrived 11mos later, and lovely FIL died when she was 13mos old. It brought DH so much comfort that he got to meet her.

Not really, my mum was one of the youngest when I was at school, she had me at 20, I fell pregnant with DS 15 at 19, he wasn’t planned, but I did see it as having them younger so I’ll have more free time by the time I’m 40.. but when you put it like that, i guess we are likely to enjoy more christmases etc.

No. Didn’t cross my mind.

My children have never had a grandfather. DH’s dad died from cancer when DH was a child. My dad died from cancer in his 60s, before DH and I were married. I had my kids later, because that’s when I met DH.

My kids had a very close relationship with my mum when they were little and it’s only very recently that she has been in declining health in her late 80s. She thinks having multiple young grandchildren kept her young! Unexpectedly my older brother had a second marriage and family so my kids have cousins the same age that they are really close with. This could never have been planned, it’s just serendipity.

No but we don’t live especially near
our parents and grandparents didn’t play a massive role in either of our lives (grew up far from them) so it’s not something it would occur to me to put importance on. For me it’s more important to have spent my 20s building my career and travelling. DP is only finishing his PhD now aged 27 (I’m 28) so starting a family mid 20s seems incredibly early to me. None of my friends have kids either so I guess either they aren’t fussed about having kids young either or they’re not having much success.

Yes it really really is.

Age 25 I was no where near ready to have kids. Not least because I hadn't met someone and I'd a string of really dumb relationship choices behind me.
Why would I centre my parents in that decision making process.
Especially when there is no guarentees about whether they might die the next day anyway. Or whether I might go live on the other side of the world (I went to Australia age 25)

The idea of centring your life around your parents is the height of madness to me. YOU have to raise your kids. Not with your parents. YOU. Pick the wrong person to have kids with, just so you can have them at the right age for your parents? How fucking INSANE is that?

It really is that much of an insane illogical dumb ass priority to me. I do not remotely understand why it should come into your mindset. Its how you make bad choices. It should be because you are ready and its the right person. Nothing more. Nothing less. Otherwise you are on a hiding to nothing.

Slightly, but it was related to fertility.

My Mum conceived easily and had me at 38, but didn’t conceive again. They tried, but it just didn’t happen. They’d deliberately delayed having a family u til then and as this was before effective IVF, they only got one child.

So, I was very aware of how quickly fertility can decline in your late 30’s and chose to have my children in my early-mid 30’s.

As it turned out, my Mum died in my 20’s so they missed out on a wonderful grandma anyway. ☹️ My Dad’s somewhat difficult and expects to be looked after, rather than vice versa. 😂

@RedToothBrush Only based on the specific scenario where you are not ready and could not afford it. It's possible to be ready now or ready in ten years, and allow it to be a part of the decision making process in that scenario.

No, fortunately we had DC soon after we got married though.
MIL became a grandmother for the first time at 79.8 years old. Fil was about 10 years dead at that time.

Both our DC were very much loved by my wonderful MIL. She played with them, spoilt them rotten and just adored being a grandmother. She died aged 90.

My own parents were much younger and in their late 50s when DC1 was born. They have been wonderful and supportive too although they live further away.

I've had great role models for being an older grandma and a younger grandma so hopefully I will get a chance to be one some day!

The majority of people don't marry until much later than previous generations. They can't afford property until they are older. They are more likely to live further from their parents than previous generations.

The idea that you would consider children on the basis of your parents age doesn't reflect lifestyles today.

And it's a piss poor motivation anyway.

@RedToothBrush its not THE ONLY idea that shaped when we had children, but one of the things we considered once we decided we did want them and were thinking about when. As I said previously, I wanted my children and my parents to be able to enjoy each other, know each other, create memories together. They are my mam and dad, of course I would like them to see my children growing up. Absolutely nothing to do with childcare or helping out tbh. Of course we looked at other factors too but it was one of a list of things we discussed.

You have this entirely backwards. I didn't centre my parents, I don't owe them grandchildren. I centred my kids by allowing them to know and love their grandparents, most likely for decades to come. They love all of their grandparents dearly and it's such a joy to see and enable. Other benefits include (statistically) likelihood of being in my kids' lives for longer, having low risk pregnancies and easy births, having more energy and better health. All factored into the equation for me, the grandparent thing was one additional consideration. You seem very angry about other people's life choices!

No it never crossed my mind! My mum is only 59 but lives a couple of hours drive away. I had my son at 35 and due my second at 39. Both sets of parents are young but that never factored into my choices. My FIL is 64. Lovely bloke but terrible health issues due to alcoholism so unfortunately I don't think he'll see 70. He lives 200 miles away anyway. Nothing is guaranteed. We've always managed ok between my husband and I.

Not re grandparents but I did consider that I did not want to be an older parent or have large gaps between my DCs.

No but my mum was talking to me about it as she was concerned about me leaving it late and then finding out there are fertility issues etc like a couple of her friends children. I think she also desperately wanted to be a grandma.

If I had wonderful parents who had me late and I was in the position of being able to decide between having children at 28 or 38, it would likely be a factor.

As it is, I didn’t meet DH until almost 33, had DC1 at 35 and DC2 at 36, so gave it my best shot (not for the grandparents reason). Despite my parents being on the younger side, my dad died when I was pregnant with DC1, my dsis was also pregnant with her first. If I’d been in a position to have DC earlier and chose not to, I think I would have been sad at that point that I had made that decision.

I'm very glad that my DC have a great relationship with my mum, who is still young enough to have fun with them,

No, GM1 was in her 50s when DCs were born, GM2 was in her 80s. Infact the DC's GM was older than their two GGMs. Aside from distance, one was always going to be too old to be involved and the other too young and working.

My family has much more condensed generations than DH's. We also have an age gap so our timing was around me having had life experience before marriage and children, and him not being too old for active engagement so we were stradling both ends of the 30s.

I'm in my early 40s so not out of the fertility game yet, but it's parental age that matters more than grandparents. I'd be an old mother, DH retired before they're out of school, yet their surviving grandparents are still working at present!

No sweet spot for us!

I didn't have children until my nid-30s. I very much wanted to start a family earlier but life didn't work out that way. As a result my children are now 10 and 12 with grandparents in their late 70s and 80s (not all in the best of health). I had grandparents until my mid-20s and I have friends in their late 40s who STILL have grandparents. It make me sad that my children and my parents will have limited time with each other. Also the grandparents are now too frail to really do much with their grandchildren.