The dream versus the reality - add your own

[FlamingoCroquet]

Mine is gardening
The dream: watering the roses in shorts and t-shirt, camomile growing in a sunny corner of my lawn, the bees buzzing round the honeysuckle
The reality: it's still freezing cold in May, I'm disposing of 25 snails who decimate even the honeysuckle, and cleaning up cat shit.

The dream lovely different types of mint happily contained in my border the reality? They got eaten every single fucking mint plant the unkillable plant has been killed 😒

A day on the beach on holiday

The dream: Relaxing on a sunlounger reading a book as a gentle breeze cools me

The Reality: Sand everywhere, I look like a sugared doughnut . No time to read as continually moving the sunbed as the sun moves to get under the shade of the tiny sun umbrella we have hired so I am not baked to a crisp

The dream - being able to breastfeed my baby, put him down for a lovely nap, then admire my lovely clean house with a book and a cup of tea. Batch cooked home made food in the fridge defrosting for tea.

The reality - cluster feeding newborn who screams when you put him down, has vomited on my breast twice today but because I absolutely stink already, it's barely even noticeable. Absolutely ravenous and stuffing my face with custard creams and digestives, with my cold cuppa 🤣

BBQ's

The dream, a lovely get together in the garden on a sunny day with beautifully cooked food

The reality, infinite food prep, much faffing to light the blooming thing, by the time it's cooked no one is hungry, flies everywhere, too hot to sit outside for too long, piles of greasy washing up

The dream: To have kids and be a yummy mummy.

The reality: My body is fucked and I’d need surgery to fix it. I have an apron of loose skin that hurts all the time. C section has led to a patch of permanent stomach numbness as big as my hand because the surgeon cut the nerves. Breastfeeding has left me with boobs that aren’t the same size. I live in baggy clothes and I won’t even let my own husband see me naked.

I really feel for you Bananah.

Yes to this!

I thought OLD would be full of older, wiser blokes who’d learned from their mistakes, and would be great in bed because of all the years of experience. I’d be going on dates to nice restaurants and nice places because we all have more income now we’re over 40.

depressingly full of shit shags, blokes with emotional baggage, and unimaginative dates 🤦‍♀️

Wafting about in grey/pale pink marl lounge wear with white Egyptian cotton bedding as per the White Company adverts.

Reality: corpse on autopsy sheets with paw prints

The dream: early retirement spent volunteering, going out to lunch with friends and taking up new hobbies like crochet and flamenco dancing.

The reality: working full time, after 16 years spent child raising, in a job I hate but pays the bills.

Living my best life

Dream: To be happily with my husband (who's obviously the love of my life) and father of my children who adores me, financially secure, my own transport, mentally sound, wonderful family and support system, good job, healthy family, fit, looking good for my age, lovely holidays, just having a wonderful life.

Reality: 100% the opposite to ^

Day at the beach with kids

The dream: dc splashing in the surf, shrieks of laughter, I take turns with dp relaxing/ splashing with them. Ice creams, sunshine #making memories.

The reality: freezing cold or too hot, either way huddled in a tent to stop wind/ sunburn, sand in everything including clothes and sandwiches, no relaxation as dp wanders off, struggling across beach with loads of stuff only for dc to complain they're bored/ too hot/ too cold/ the sea is 'too wet', humiliation of a wetsuit and the British sea is still freezing

Owning a dog.

The dream: a loving companion, guards the house in between healthy walks in nature, before settling down to snooze next to you on the sofa

Reality: constantly tripping you up as they follow you from room to room demanding food, barking at pigeons & washing on the line (but delighted to meet a complete stranger on the doorstep, even a burglar) Being forced to walk out of your way (in the pissing rain) because your dog embarrassingly insists on humping everything in sight; evenings are spent with them jumping up every 10 minutes or looking confused because hes lost you (dementia: ☹️)

The night shift sounds like the better gig

@Pencilsaremylife

This is the truest truth I have ever read.

One day our old clothes will all have died and all we will have is nylon, see through crop tops and culottes to wear 😬

I feel your pain. Barry Chuckle is a perfect description 😂
you would think I’d have learnt the first time, why I had another attempt a decade later is beyond me.

Having a bold new hair colour and look and thinking no-one will recognise me as I look so drastically different.

Being greeted in the office as usual 'Hi Cheesenpickle, good weekend?' and no-one even mentioning my new look.

Twins.

The dream: two children who grow up together, who sleep in the same bed holding hands, have their own psychic language and just adore being around one another.

The reality: two boys who couldn't be more different, who fight ALL the goddamn time and who manage to wind each other up from separate rooms with the doors closed.

They're identical I always expected them to be more similar!

The dream: married to love of my life, a couple of sweet kind kids, average semi detached house with lots of friendly neighbours.
Reality: Infertile, divorced the cheat, living in a pokey one bedroom flat.

Mornings
The dream - sun shining through the window, sipping a coffee contemplating the rich rewarding work ahead of me, while the dog dozes at my feet, waiting for a long yomp around the park. My teenagers get themselves organised with chirpy 'Good Morning's', chattering excitedly about school and what they'll learn today.

The reality - pissing with rain, coffee sitting cold on the counter while I fill in some glitching work application with data that is needed by COB in a different time zone, the dog sits in front of the door blocking everyone's entrance because it's raining so she doesn't want to go outside, not even to pee. Teenagers lurch from monosyllabic grunts to full-on screaming about lost swim hats, mouth guards, calculators, or whatever small but vital item they can't find. And if I'm really lucky, the wifi will cut out just as I press enter... so did it send, or did it not...should I resend, or should I not... Oh, and did I mention my coffee got cold

The dream: Large garden with pretty flowers.

The reality: Weekends spent mowing and pulling weeds which grow by the second.

😂😂😂😂😂

This one made me laugh as my DP came in the other week saying “I’ve just had my hair cut”. This is a two weekly occurrence and he has barely any hair left so he must’ve had 2 mm cut off at the most.

The same day, I’d just had 4 inches cut off my hair and he hadn’t noticed or uttered a word.

The dream: living in a cottage in Cornwall/the Med/Northumberland/Scotland, writing historical romances for a living

The reality: when I'm not too knackered, churning out occasional short non fiction as a side hustle alongside an incredibly draining day job in one of the maddest and worst run public sector organisations in Britain

English teacher...

The Dream: Dead Poet Society-esque students who revere me as their 'Captain', hanging on my every word as we explore Romantic poets and the subtle meanings of existence.

Reality: Truculent teens who revile me as their captor, ignoring my every word as we battle through practice exam papers and the enigmatic meanings of the mark scheme.

Family holiday on the Almafi coast.

The dream: wafting around in summer dresses, lazily exploring gorgeous places like Capri and Positano, maybe go for a swim wherever we find ourselves, eating gelato and pizza together whilst out and about, lots of relaxed fun and laughing.

The reality: three kids and husband extremely grumpy from the heat, sweat rolling down everyone’s backs, restaurants all jam packed so end up eating sandwiches from a corner shop, accommodation not as nice as the pictures, wading through the sea of tourists all working to get their insta shots everywhere we go.