DS14 found porn downloaded by DH - what to say?

[loveyal]

So DS14 stumbled upon the temporary download folder on home computer and found porn downloaded by DH before it was removed. He didn't open it but the file name gave it away.

DS14 is enraged and wanted to talk about it. What should we say?

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I would say that this is unacceptable.
As a parent (either parent) your job is to protect children from harm, whether that's exposure to indecent material or protection from violence or neglect.
It is all safeguarding.
Your poor DS is dealing with a lot of emotions already at this age.
I expect from his reaction that he has seen what the file contains, despite what he saying.
Your DH needs to stop being so careless.
He needs to address any questions or concerns your Son now has, maybe find a helpline or website that may help your DS if he doesn't feel comfortable talking to you with regards to what he's seen.
Ultimately, Your DH needs to take responsibility for this and make sure it never happens again.

You reinforce the nasty coercive sector that the porn industry largely is, you apologise, or rather yourbDH does for exposing him to that, you explain how it can be addictive as shown by his fathers behaviour and promise you will both be better parents. Obviously your dh never ever looks at porn again, certainly not on a device a child has access to.

What is he generally like as a father/partner? Most parents who do look at porn are far more careful. Is this lack of care indicative of something deeper?

Erm, I'd leave this one to DH to sort out, in all honesty.

And that would be something along the lines of: 'this is embarrassing, but plenty of men look at porn, you shouldn't have seen that and sorry you did but masturbation is healthy.'

This.

Why would seeing porn titles in a folder enrage him? My kids would find it hysterical.

Tell him to keep out of places that don't concern him.

Yeah, cool story OP!🤣🤣🤣🤣

And your DS was "enraged" you say!

Aww, bless his innocent little cotton socks, have you told him about "special cuddles" and explained how babies are made?

WTF?! If you haven't got anything nice or supportive to say then don't comment at all.

Why were they enraged? Pretty unusual response from a teen! Also incredibly irresponsible to have porn on a shared computer, does he not own a phone?

He's a decent dad and husband, responsible and caring, working full-time and sharing household jobs.

I don't have a problem with grown ups watching porn. The problem is obviously how to explain to the kid.

Of course DH vows never to do it again on the family computer.

I think he's enraged because he found some very serious wrongdoing. I don't know how to explain.

Yes absolutely irresponsible and unacceptable.

I'm asking for advice to deal with the teen. The grown man has learnt his lesson.

What’s he enraged about? Let him discuss it. Tbh at 14 he will know about masturbation and it might well be good for your “d”h to consider the ethics of pornography through discussion with his son. If you’re prepared to do it you should be prepared to defend it and if you’re ashamed then perhaps you know you shouldn’t be doing it…

I honestly think it's OK to watch porn as a grown up, but absolutely wrong for a child as they don't yet have sexual experience.

Very difficult to explain to teenagers.

Now thinking about this, I think I may say we watch together, (which we sometimes do). There is nothing wrong about that. But must be gross to tell the teen?

I don't know how you can be so relaxed about the consumption of porn given it's damaging and exploitative nature towards women and girls. How do you expect your DS to respect women as equals when you are excusing using them as wank fodder?

Well if you are 'cool' about watching porn with your DH then I assume you'll just have to discuss that it is part of your sex life .... mortifying for your DS though, no child likes to think of their DPs having sex ... or the exact details. How are you going to act if your DS then decides he might want to watch porn ?

What do you mean by he found "Serious wrongdoing"? You said that your DS didn't open the folder, so unless the porn is of an illegal nature, then I don't really understand what you mean?

Strictly speaking, exposing your child to porn is sexual abuse. Your DH should be much more careful and you need to sit down and have a talk with your kid. He quite rightly could report it to the DSL at school.

glad you’re cool with watching women been treated that way though I hope you don’t explain it like that to him.

I don't have a problem with grown ups watching porn. The problem is obviously how to explain to the kid.
That’s because you know there is “a problem” with watching porn. How utterly revolting for your poor son.

This thread's gone all over the place...

Op, why do you have to deal with the teen? Your husband has done the wrong thing, why is he not dealing with his son's reaction?

Also, it sounds as if you need to work out what your own view is of porn - the litmus test is: if you think it's a healthy thing, you would suggest to your children it's a great career for them. If your reaction is no way, I'd want something better for them, then please don't present it as a good/healthy/normal thing to an impressionable teen. Once you know what you think about it, you'll be in a better position to discuss with your son.

'Enraged' sounds like your son was revolted by whatever your husband was looking at - do you know what the film was of, has your son told you or have you watched it? If not, what if it was teen boys your husband was looking at? Or schoolgirls and old men? Consider whether you'd still be keen to present porn as a healthy normal activity to your son.

Finally, please don't link masturbation and porn, as if they always go together. Masturbation doesn't require porn as most individuals have some imagination.

Seconding the pp who suggests the husband leaving this on the family computer needs more investigation.

I already said it's unacceptable for children to watch porn since they dont have sexual experience.

Yes I think we will have to face it together and how mortifying it is for DS sex is part of our life and how he was created in the first place.

What is there to explain @Paq ? I would assume that a 14 year old boy has had sexual experiences with himself. But I agree it's not good for kids to watch porn.

"DS14 is enraged and wanted to talk about it. What should we say?"

Well , "Porn is the theory, rape is the practice" is as good a place to start as any

I’d say “I agree with you, it’s horrible. You’d have to ask your dad why he has it”. No way would I make excuses for him.

So you're going to tell him porn is a normal part of a healthy adult sex life and it's how he was created so it must be ok.

Fuck me. Brilliant.

Ffs, how ridiculous. Troll alert